Whenever I choose to change my routine, I overthink it and end up feeling really weird. Take me using headphones occasionally whenever I go upstairs. There's nothing wrong with that, right? Sure, I can use them for up to four or five hours on some days, but that's really the only problem I have. Yet I still guilt myself over using the headphones, because I view it as me somehow getting dependent on them. I figure that me using headphones to hear the music louder instead of just keeping the music at a very quiet volume without headphones shows my inability to regulate my emotions or handle things without some kind of dependence on the headphones. Or something. I don't know. It doesn't really make all that much sense, but I keep shaming myself over it anyways.
I feel like I get insecure because I keep feeling like I'm somehow doing something wrong by changing my routine. I think this might explain some of the reasons I get so upset and feel so sedentary online nowadays. It all seems to stem back to the time when I lost my old tablet in 2022 or so. It all goes back to then, which is also coincidentally around the time that I first got my social media account. So the social media thing might even be connected to this. It represented a change to my routine, and I react to change with a great deal of negativity at all times.
I feel like there's more I could be saying here, but I legitimately don't know what else I can write at this point. I keep spacing out, and I've now taken a whole hour to write this. But let me see if I can't fix this up by making one more paragraph to resolve all of this stuff. Let's see…
I still don't know why I hate when I use headphones so much, but I'm pretty sure that a lot of it comes back to me simply hating whenever I change a part of my routine, and I now know just how to make myself feel bad about it. So I persistently have a negative feeling associated with using headphones upstairs too often or for too long. Similarly, I have a negative feeling regarding how I post on my social media account something like five to ten times a day sometimes. I think it all stems from the same source in my mentality.
