#feeling sedentary

[wanderingmind867]

I feel like I'm often quite repetitive online. Even here in my notes app, I can be quite repetitive. I feel like I have so many different things to talk about, but it's hard to work up the energy to deal with all of them. And even when I can work up the energy to talk about them, I feel as though I've already written 50 thousand notes about all of it.

I feel like there is a certain amount of repetition to some of my writings recently, and that's really kind of bothersome to me. I can't even think of a good way to continue this note, because I've already discussed everything so, so many times. I just kind of feel tired of it right now. My occasional back pains, my stomach issues, my feelings of not doing enough online sometimes, my fears of having to talk to my Nana, my stress about aging, etc. There's just a lot of stuff stressing me out, and I don't really know how many new ways there are of explaining that.

I have so many new notes to write, too. I should write about feeling sedentary online again. I should write about my struggles with aging. I should definitely write about my fears of things like making life work if I don't go back to College in the fall of 2026. Because I still can't imagine a life without school, but College being so stressful means I may have to start imagining that. It's awful. Really, really awful.

So yeah, I have stuff to say. But I don't currently feel any energy with which to write it. So maybe I'll just have to start a few notes later and see if they go anywhere. But for right this second, I'm just feeling far too tired to work on any of this. sigh…

[wanderingmind867]

I don't know if I personally know of any blogs online that post as much as I do, honestly. I feel like I post all the time, while other people only post occasionally. But my brain is always running and I always feel like I don't know what else to do, so practically half my day is dedicated to me just writing notes and posting them on here. Do I overshare? Yeah, I imagine I do without meaning to. Do I post too much? Probably. Do I know how to fix that? No. No, I really don't know how to fix that.

I suppose I should know how to fix that, but I don't. I don't have anything else to do that's as easy for me as writing is nowadays. Maybe that's also how I get so depressing sometimes, I don't know. I try not to worry about it, because at least posting 25 times a day is better than some things I could be doing. I guess. I don't know. I still probably should work on this stuff, I suppose.

It's nice to get thoughts off my chest, but I really should have more to my life than just writing notes. But how do you start over and pick up the pieces of something? I don't know. Maybe I'm being dramatic and over exaggerated, but I know that I'm still speaking from the sentimental side of myself. Since my mom died and my old tablet died and I left High School, things have been weird for me. The past four to five years have been really something else.

It's only been four or five years, six at maximum. But it feels like a full ten. A decade of change in my life, or something. Although I don't know. I had it rough years prior to this, too. Way back when, I had to deal with transitioning from elementary school to high school, then from in person school to online learning. And I also had to deal with being bullied in grade 4, and that was so bad that I remember never wanting to go to school. But somehow I got through all that, and my brain now looks at it fondly.

I don't mean I look at bullying fondly, I just mean that elementary school and high school feel like safe spaces in spite of everything I went through. It's fascinating. I don't understand how my brain can do this, but it does indeed do it.

I think HIgh School and Elementary School were rough in spots, but even my year of being bullied felt different from how I feel now. It's really hard to describe all this, but I know I'm onto something. This current dilemma feels different, but I think that's because of my age or something. Back then I don't know what I was thinking, because I don't exactly have notes from when I was nine to go back and rifle through. But I do have notes about this time, and I think my problems now might be even more complicated than the bullying problems were. I don't really know, but that's all I've got.

[wanderingmind867]

Why do I feel so sedentary online? I don't know, but I think it comes down to a couple of different things. Losing an old tablet in 2022 hit me pretty hard (because I'd had that tablet for years and it was the last piece of tech I didn't have my social media saved on). So that's one thing that's made it easier for me to feel sedentary.

Another thing that made it easy is that I already have a bias against social media from prior things. I don't know how it happened. I think I saw a video online as a kid that once called social media addictive, and then I internalized it and heard it in the news and sort of became obsessed with the concept. So that's another thing that makes me feel sedentary everytime I post online.

Finally, there's the simple fact that I think my method of hyperfixations has changed. Before I had tumblr, when I was younger, I had to really hunt for things to look up. I had to use google to hunt down blogs or wikis or tumblr accounts or whatever, all just to satisfy my brain's insatiable desire for information on a subject/for media like fanart or headcanons or lore you could only get on wikis. Now I'm older and I have a tumblr account, and I feel like I never do that stuff anymore. I mainly just post and linger on my dashboard, occasionally lingering in other places.

I'm probably not actually all that sedentary. I watch a lot of stuff with my dad. I read a good amount online (although I'm aware I could do more, and I definitely need to learn to read physical books in a place other than High School). I know I can't actually be all that sedentary, but I feel bad anyways. Either way, I think I might have a haircut tonight. So I'll post this and then try to put everything out of mind for now.

[wanderingmind867]

I sometimes get really introspective and feel like I post too much on here, or give away too much information about myself or something. These thoughts are a fairly new development, but they're also not really all that new. I've always gotten them, it's just that they're seeming to come in a slightly stronger frequency sometimes nowadays. They're not constant, because next to none of my thoughts are constant in their reoccurrence. But I just had the thoughts ambush me mentally a few minutes ago, and that's inspired me to write this post.

I got distracted by other stuff, and then I delayed coming back to write posts on here because I felt like I post too much already or something. I don't know. It's probably nothing too major. But I'm blaming my depression from being in a weird hyperfixation limbo that's really damaging my ability to do things sometimes. It's not always easy when you don't have something to focus on fully. I just remembered that I'm gonna have to send my therapist a note on my hobbies because I need to work on my ability to handle sharing stuff with others, and that just made me feel a bit nervous. I've lost my train of thought, so I'm gonna have to start over in one final paragraph.

I'm sometimes worried I don't do enough online beyond posting on here, as you can see in the amount of posts I've made where I call myself sedentary. That probably contributes to me feeling the way I did earlier, but I'm still gonna try to write and post the one post I still have in my drafts. Sadly, I could end up with more ideas leading to more posts in my drafts. But that's something I'll deal with later, anyways.

[wanderingmind867]

I could write ten posts every day. I often do, in fact. But for every post I make, I feel like there's 20 I don't make. My brain overthinks everything, and I just constantly feel like I could be writing more. No matter how much I write, I insatiably feel like there's more for me to say.

It's this feeling that probably leads me to feel sedentary, too. I write too much and feel an urge to write even more, but then I end up feeling guilty because of it. I feel like I do nothing else. So it's a complicated problem. I don't know how I'd even go about fixing this problem, but it's certainly an annoying one for me. I already have two or three more posts I think I should write. I should write more about exploring the Wayback Machine Lego archives. I should write more about thinking of telling my therapist my sexuality. I should write more about so many things. I constantly get hung up on it.

[wanderingmind867]

If not for my dad, I think I could just sit in silence and write 20 notes a day sometimes. I have so many thoughts, since I'm almost always thinking. And since I can now post online and write in my phone's notes app, I've kind of gotten addicted to writing notes and rambles about everything that's going on in my life. I honestly feel like it's an addiction sometimes. I don't know if I could go without doing it for a whole entire day. I mean… hypothetically, I could. But actually doing that sounds really, really hard to do. Still, I've got bigger problems than writing too much. I know that, yet I still guilt myself over writing too much regardless. It seems to be a repetitive behavior of mine. Since I began writing so much around the time my mom died and my old tablet without any social media accounts died, I always assume there's some weird psychological thing at play here.

Anyways, my dad says I could turn all of my writings into a book or something. I think he has a good point when he says that, but I also don't know what kind of person would seriously want to a book of this stuff. Who would want to read a book that's just 400+ notes? They're not stories, just notes. They're vents about my stress, they're ideas for stories that'll never go anywhere, they're my random thoughts on the media I watch or the things I read. Who would seriously want to read all that? I can't understand anyone really wanting to read it all. People on social media might be fine doing it, considering people do like my notes online. But would anyone seriously pay for a book like this? I have my doubts, and that's just my low self esteem talking.

I wish I could take these notes and make them all into books. It could help me with a form of income, cynically. More hopefully, it could make me feel like my ideas for stories are finally going somewhere. That's always been a big pain for me, because I have so many ideas. So many ideas for stories or characters or what have you. But I'm just not good enough at descriptive language or dialogue to ever have anything go anywhere. I can write a mean outline, but besides that? Well…besides my outlines and ideas, I'm not really big on anything. So I just worry my ideas will never go anywhere and I'll be stuck with a creative spark forever unfulfilled. But if other people can read about my ideas and then do stuff with them for me, that might actually provide me with some amount of fulfillment.

So maybe my dad has a point about me turning all these notes into a book. I guess it could be nice, and then I could delete all the notes off my phone. All the notes that get into the book could be removed from my phone, thereby clearing up space for more notes. I think it could be nice to one day have volume upon volume of my notes in books. Certainly could be said to help with remembering things years from now. But I don't know if anyone would even want to read this if it was actually a real published book series. Who would really want to know what one person thinks, especially when all I can offer are vents and ideas? It's like trying to sell journals. Who would really want my private musings? I'd hope someone would, but I have my doubts.

And on that note, I'm ending this note. My stomach is getting sore again, and I want to just have some more time to try and calm down. I swear my stomach gets worse when I'm stressed, but it's also just bad regularly now because of the eight months of stress and struggle I've had since leaving High School in June of last year. But I'm rambling again, so I'll just shut up.

[wanderingmind867]

There's still so much me and my dad need to do over the summer, but time is slowly dwindling. I need to try and find new glasses, since my old ones are getting too small for my face. But I can't find any glasses that feel as comfortable as my old ones (although I haven't been looking too hard). I need to try and find a new recliner with my dad, although I've been putting that off too. I need to keep trying to get used to the college, but it stresses me out to keep doing so.

There's a lot of things I need to do in real life with my dad. So much. That's how it feels, at least. It might not be necessarily true, but it sure feels that way. I'm also always feeling like I don't do enough on here, either. I feel I don't explore enough new blogs, I don't do enough outside of tumblr, and I don't feel like i follow enough new people. I know there's only a few hours left in the night before I try to go upstairs and sleep. But I can't necessarily always help myself from getting in my own head. sigh...

[wanderingmind867]

Tumblr is the only website I post regularly on. I make probably close to 5-10 posts a day if I have no other major things going on that day. I don't think that's necessarily a good thing, but I don't seem to have the impulse control necessary to stop it everytime. And the complicated situation only makes things even harder. Because, yeah, I feel sedentary due to me having no ability to go too long without coming back here. But I also know having this account has probably contributed to helping me talk to people. I still don't do it very well (especially in real life with anyone besides my dad), but at least it's offered me something.

That all being said, I do still kind of wish I could browse anonymously on tumblr. A simple first step to feeling less sedentary without constantly doing stuff in real life would probably be to find a way to browse tumblr while logged out of my account. I would need to keep track of my password here in my notes app, but still. It's the best option I think I have. Kind of hard to find time to work on all this when the summer seems to send me stomach pains and stress and constant other hard to manage dilemmas. It's really hard to change things when you find worse things to focus on. That's something I hate, but something I still find myself having to just deal with. sigh...