#using my voice

[mochaout]

In spite of...

Writing is difficult for me again. Partly because I can’t get my mind to settle. I’ve now hit the period where my thoughts are everywhere which blocks out my creativity at times. I’ve tried to address my struggles through the words I write. Always looking for unique ways to spin a thought or capture an emotion. Then there are times where I can’t even quantify the depth of my feelings of despair, self-doubt, negativity, and uncertainty. These are my ‘when darkness falls’ moments. It’s harder to get clear. So I force myself to write words and phrases so I know I’m still here. I still have things to say.

Then there are the polar opposite times when I can’t stop words from pouring and pouring. Times when my thoughts are crystal clear in my mind. The times where I feel like I could conquer the world. Where I feel my gifts are magnificent and my head is so far up in the clouds that I’m sure I’m annoying and equally concerning to those around me. During these times I don’t think sleep or food are necessary. All I want to do is create. I get high off of the feeling. My hands and fingers tire from stroking keyboards and writing in journals. I feel at my best but there are so many challenges, hindrances, and awakenings that are detrimental to my well-being as well during these times. Sometimes people have no idea the effort it can take me to write a complete sentence.

I haven’t experienced middle ground in the last 2 1/2 years. Everyday is a precarious one, either deep debilitating despair and a sense of inadequacy take over or I’m on a euphoria train where everything in the universe is clear. Neither being the best place for me. But I keep pushing to use my voice. I keep pushing in spite of. Because my words belong to me and they are me. My words are how I survive. Theirs strength in my voice. I have to keep reminding myself that I have a purpose. I was born with one.

I appreciate everyone who has taken an interest in reading my thoughts. My writing is a collection of my truths, the experiences I have had, the worlds I’ve created in my mind, and how I have survived. My survival is not a badge I wear around my neck, no, it is a testament to my fighting spirit and desire to live and not only exist. So I am having a very difficult time right now but I am by no means throwing in the towel.

No, I am going to face this head on and conquer it because

That’s what Queens do.

-MochaOut

[jujuistrulyoutrageous]

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I’ve written, deleted, and rewritten this post about fifteen times because honestly? What else could I say that hasn’t already been said by thousands of people with much larger platforms than I? What perspective could I offer that would be unique or helpful to others? Who would care? My social media presence isn’t what it used to be back in the mid- to late-2000s, when Tumblr and message boards…

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[theamethystgoddess-tag]

Random Shit post

Who wants to hear me as a cat?

No, seriously I kinda sound like a Minecraft cat

[butyoucanmake-hil-adrink]

first time voting in California - California resident here, this is my home and I voted!

@taylorswift JUST VOTED 🗳

[pandrena2]

im gonna try to make a ust for calvin yes

[theimprovintrovert-blog]

Hating my voice, finding my voice, using my voice

Obviously I haven't posted in a while (that's a huge problem) but I'm trying to forgive myself. So here’s to more posting! I’m going to force myself (or bribe myself with Trader Joe’s chocolate covered almonds... yes, that’s what will happen). 

Anyway, I figured I would return with something substantial yet *maybe* funny. This post, like the obvious title implies, is about my 'voice', and I mean that both literally and figuratively. 

My literal voice:

I feel like everyone hates the way their voice sounds. But I also think I’m an exception (and not in a good way). I absolutely cannot stand my voice. I try to avoid being recorded as often as I can, which sometimes leads to problems, but now that I’m older I’ve really tried to get over it. 

This is painfully ironic since I’d like to do stand-up comedy. But I guess I could just not watch the recordings? Or edit my voice? Slow it down so I sound like a blurred out gang member on “America’s Most Wanted”? Eh?

I was bullied for having a “man-like” voice in 6th grade (ah, don’t you just love middle school?) but as I grew older and I’ve gotten more and more compliments, I’m starting to really not care. Also, it’s really not that deep. That kid was just a giant jerk and I can’t even believe I’m giving him space on this blog. Anyway. 

At this point, I’m the only one who occasionally puts myself down for the way my voice sounds, and I think that’s a pretty good improvement. Whenever the thoughts arise, I tell them to get lost because I have a great voice that’s gotten lots of compliments, dammit! Also, a radio DJ that’s on the air in NYC told me I have the perfect voice for radio, so that kind of proves my point when I’m yelling at my brain inside my brain. (hashtag solipsism.)

Now that I pretty much accept my literal voice, let’s move on to...

My figurative voice:

For pretty much my whole life, I’ve been called “quiet,” “super quiet,” “like, really really, like quiet,” and, best of all, “annoyingly quiet.” To all of those people, I want to say: thanks for being a jerk all those times that you tried to shame me for being a quiet person. 

Little did you know that I have a big voice that’s only made more powerful because of the fact that I’m so, like, quiet all the time. 

There’s been very, very few times that I’ve stood up for myself, but I’m getting better at it. One of the reasons is because I’d rather use my voice to stand up for someone else or something that I feel strongly about (including basically all of my life choices, Moooom). 

I’d rather use my voice for the good of others, and sometimes this comes at my own expense. I don’t often stick up for myself. There’s been very few times, few enough in fact, that they stand out as significant life events and are important enough to flash before my eyes as the frozen yogurt machine explodes and sends a wave of yogurt cascading over me and I think “yes, this is how I die”... wait, what? 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is yet another thing I am working on, and I’m happy with my success so far. I used to be such a pushover but I’m so much better now at simple things like speaking up when my order is wrong or late at a restaurant. No, madam, I like, soooooo did not want whole milk in my decaf-soy-low-cal-caramel-vanilla-frappa-cappuccino! (This is pure disdain. I drink black coffee.)

Ok, I think I’m done with this long rambling post. Let’s think of another boring thing to blog about...

[volatilecherry]

Jamie Woon - Shoulda

[nearlyhuman]

This is SO easy, all you have to do is fill in a form and click send. And this website has had significant success gaining responses from really big companies. Everyone should participate!