So this is a first for the Daily Texan, but we’ve received an essay from a student extolling the virtues of another. Apparently, safety Mike Chang has some very strong feelings for cheer squad’s favorite blond, Kitty Wilde. Read on and tell us what you think. Is there something going on here or did Mike just lose one whopper of a bet?
Katherine Wilde: Virtuous, Vexing, Victorious
As said in the classic novel The Importance of Being Earnest, “The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” Oscar Wilde, author of aforementioned book, was a brilliant man full of wise witticisms that still enthrall literature classes to this day. However, he was wrong on this account; a woman of the same last name who some of you on campus may know as Kitty has proven to me that the truth is both simple and pure. Three months ago, she and I made a bet on the accuracy of one of her statements. I, foolishly, thought that since the statement concerned me and my own will that I’d have the upper hand there. I was wrong. Therefore, I must write an essay about the following thesis that I was given: Kitty Wilde is not just always right, but she is also beautiful, amazing, and talented.
Her beauty is irrefutable. According to a CNN news article entitled What is beauty and who has it? by Alene Dawson, “ Several studies suggest that many equate beauty with symmetry, but even within that equation, ‘Each time has its own standard (of beauty),’ said photographer Melvin Sokolsky during his lecture at the Annenberg.” In this time, our standard of beauty is Kitty Wilde. With her impeccably styled blonde hair, her expertly applied face, her intense green eyes, and her fashionable wardrobe, Katherine is the epitome of our country’s standards of beauty. She represents youth and health and a non-intimidating glamour that is very rarely seen nowadays. If you’ve yet to look at her, you are doing yourself a disservice. Go, look. Behold.
Of course, beauty in and of itself isn’t anything too spectacular. Many people fit the mold of being aesthetically pleasing. Kitty Wilde also happens to be amazing. Urban Dictionary defines amazing as “Something that tops everything else, and always crosses your mind.” Certainly, Kitty Wilde believes that she always comes out on top. She bested me in this bet, which definitely continually crossed my mind, and so it’s safe to say she fits the definition. Moreover, it amazes me that she even guessed the future and then convinced me to agree to these humiliating stakes. If that isn’t amazing, I don’t know what is.
Talent is another subjective category. By her own admittance, Kitty is part of the UT cheer squad, which indicates that she has athletic skills. She’s also been known to help classmates with homework, so her mental capacities are above average at least. I don’t know of any of her other talents firsthand, but there’s no denying that she’s well rounded and skilled in the majority of what she does.
In summary, Katherine Wilde is not only practically psychic, but she’s also an all-around awesome person who succeeds in whatever she tries. She’s pretty, can amaze people, and has skills that others sorely wish they had. She’s also smart enough to come up with such an embarrassing term for the loser of our bet, but you know what? I’m actually kind of glad she won the bet. I would write a million essays extolling her virtues in return for what I got. So, Jester East and Jester West, if you’re reading this, this is the only part you need take heed of: never make a bet with Kitty Wilde. Ever.
