@lediableblanc-amoureuxdechats
She swallowed down the nerves, fingers dancing over the handle to the coffee shop door. Her skirt tangled around her legs in the wind, reminding her of their bare, recently shaved, status. It felt strange, having smooth legs, wearing a skirt, being in public. All of it. This was all new to her and she couldn't help but be nervous, unsure if she was ready to do this.
This- all of it- was something that she'd never entertained before getting sober, before realizing that there was something going on, before she took the time to really get to know her mind. It wasn't something that she'd wanted to do- any of it, but getting sober had forced her to confront a lot of things about herself, and the way her skin felt wrong, the way her name and identity rubbed her the wrong way- those were just the tipping point.
She'd thought she was losing her mind. Nothing else made sense. The feeling of being in the wrong body, like she'd been born wrong, was something she'd tried to dismiss as a side effect of the Dilaudid. But it didn't go away when she got sober. Not even now, after six months, had it gone away. She'd researched for hours, trying to figure out what was wrong with her, what she was dealing with. Nothing had given her the answers she wanted, not until she'd stumbled upon an autobiography of a trans woman. She'd devoured the book, and every book she could find on the subject, finally feeling like she'd found an answer.
It wasn't easy to accept, the thought that she wasn't actually a man, that she was a woman. She'd been worried for a month that she was sick like her mom, before she'd mentioned it to her therapist. Being told that she wasn't sick, that this wasn't schizophrenia, had helped something in her relax, but it still wasn't easy.
No one at work knew. She was going to tell Hotch. Soon. But first she wanted- needed- to know that she was right. Thus the coffee shop.
She'd worn a skirt at home, a long floral skirt that she'd bought at the thrift store, fabric rough against her leg hair. But she hadn't dared wear one in public, not yet. Now, though, on the recommendation of her therapist, she was trying. She'd gone shopping for an outfit just for this, a skirt and blouse that were more comfortable on her skin, the blouse floral but the skirt a deep purple. It matched her Converse, which was fine with her. She wasn't ready for heels. If she ever would be. Her hair had been getting longer, long enough to pass for a short bob when she used some of the gel Garcia had bought her. She'd slipped a headband on to keep her bangs back and told herself that she looked okay, that she looked like a woman.
She'd driven further into DC than she normally would, to a coffee shop and bookstore combo that she'd never been to before. Somewhere no one would be looking for her. She wasn't ready to be somewhere she might be recognized as him. Not ready to confront that. Not yet.
Taking a deep breath, she opened the door, listening to the bell chime. There was a line in front of the counter and she slipped into it, standing behind a man a few inches taller than her, wearing a long brown trench coat and sunglasses indoors. She stared at his shoulder as she waited her turn.
Then the thoughts touched her mind, a fascinating mixture of French and English that she'd only heard in Will before, and she couldn't help it, she tuned in, paid more attention to those surface thoughts than the ones around her. He was barely awake, amusing, but determined to get coffee. There was something in there about a professor, a complaint, and a stray thought about craving a cigarette that almost made her open her mouth. She was so focused on her eavesdropping that she didn't realize there was someone behind her until she was stumbling forward, hand reaching out and tangling in the back of that coat as she caught herself on the man in front of her.
"Sorry," her voice was higher than she was used to, but she was experimenting with vocal training, trying to find something that felt right. "I- I was pushed."
Hazel eyes darted up, staring into those sunglasses. "I didn't- are you okay?"