#vain.posts

[vain-creature]

Listening to This Hurts by Mindless Self Indulgence going fuck yeah. This is sooo npd, this is sooo me.....

.........while I have never abused someone bc well it would make me not a good person and conflict with my kind loving soft victim persona

[vain-creature]

I should be allowed to do whatever I want, actually, with no consequences ever cuz I know better what is good for everyone

[vain-creature]

I never admitted to this but I am actually extremely competetive. (Like to the point that when I go on the bus/train I mentally compete with other people there and who has the furthest to ride is better. Winning makes me feel superior and losing makes me feel nothing, I suppose, when I lose I stop caring)

I have always told other people in my life I am not competetive because of one simple reason: I cannot bear someone knowing this and witnessing me fail. I am that type of person who, when losing, will shrug and go 'eh didn't care' (I do care, I am fuming that I didn't meet my subjective criteria for winning, so at least I have to make others think it doesn't move me and I could've won if I cared)

but! when winning I will flaunt it and go 'I am actually so fucking good I am the best!'.

I play games to win, but at the same time I will also be 'nice' in them so that my opponents think I am being suchhh a good sport and a nice person (letting ppl go in dbd for example). But! I will only let them go if I have assured I could've won, ya know?

It breaks me when I want to let the last person go but they escape before I can find them. It makes me go 'fuck! Now they think they are better than me shittt. Why couldn't I show that I am morally winning because I would let them go if I caught them???'

[vain-creature]

Made this sideblog because I heard abt npd, started looking into it and am very interested in learning more abt npd. Do I have it? Maybe. Idk. Maybe my traits are just from your typical autism tbh