#valomilk

[anniebf]

Who wants some?! What's Valomilk have y'all tried it? 🤔🍫😋

[malomaximus]

My good luck continues, both the valomilk cups in my packet stayed intact!!

[kejoro]

valomilk replied to your post: in order to become a dad i must build ...

anyone can be a father but it takes a real dad to build a deck

I need to build a deck to become a real dad, promote my status from temporary dad. gonna get me a desk in the office with Dad on a name plate, making bad dad jokes, wear weird ties. 

[s-t-y-x]

Got a new book, barbecue, key lime pie, and my favourite old-timer-y candy, Valomilk. Today was a good day.

[lauralot89]

When it runs down your chin, you know it's a VALOMILK.

So, uh.  This happened.

I am currently in the midst of writing a Winter Soldier fan fic, and last night's chapter referenced a candy popular in the 1940s known as VALOMILK.  Imagine a peanut butter cup, but with runny marshmallow in place of the peanut butter.  Far and away most of the reviewers wanted to know if the candy was real (it is), where it can be found (mostly at the Cracker Barrel), and what it tastes like (let's find out).

I had to run a number of errands this morning anyway, so I thought, why not stop and pick up some innocently perverted chocolate.  I'd be imparting knowledge, after all.

Here is everything you need to know about VALOMILK, straight from its website:

We were making penny marshmallow in the ‘20s and ‘30s. Now in those days, real vanilla had a large alcohol content and candy makers were known to take a few snorts now and then. One day, a candy maker named Tommy got a little carried away with the vanilla while making marshmallow and ruined a batch. Instead of setting up after cooling, the marshmallow remained runny!

My grandfather, Harry Sifers, was always looking for new ideas for candy so they dipped scoops of the runny marshmallow into chocolate cups. It was messy but so delicious – a simple taste of heaven! We began making the new candy, calling it VALOMILK DIPS and selling them for 5 cents in 1931. So the Original Sifers VALOMILK Candy Cup was invented quite by accident.

And who could forget that old time-y, innocent, yet maddeningly perverse slogan?

When it runs down your chin, you know it's a VALOMILK!

Ugh.

So yeah, there are two types of people in the world who remember this candy: those with childhood nostalgia, and perverts who like to giggle about it.  Guess which category I'm in?

At this point, I should probably mention that I don't like milk chocolate and I'm not especially fond of marshmallow.  Yet I'm tasting it anyway.  For science.  Let's get this over with.

And I'm back.  I was pleasantly surprised upon opening the package to find that the VALOMILKS had remained intact during their shipping process to the store.  I've seen other reviewers open the packages to find marshmallow has already oozed out everywhere.

I was also pleasantly surprised to find that I liked the taste.  The chocolate is sweet but not overpoweringly so, and it has a bit of tartness to it as well.  If you've ever had a Three Musketeers bar, it tastes like the chocolate on the exterior of those.  The marshmallow, of course, was sweet and smooth and holy crap was it runny.

In the second after I snapped that photo, I ended up with marshmallow goo all over the bathroom sink.  And yes, it did run down my chin.  Not as much as I was anticipating, but there was leakage.

All in all, it turned out better than expected.  They may be revolting, but they're also really good.  I'd say if you're ever around a place selling them, I'd recommend giving them a try.  After all, they're only 99 cents.

And now, below the cut, I am including a photo of my mouth post-VALOMILK consumption.  This photograph is disgusting.  It is also highly suggestive and looks pornographic when taken out of context.  You have been warned.

I really have nothing to say after that.

[captainaforawesome]

Scifigrl47 wrote an avengers ficlet, here, where Steve was given old school candy from his heydays as a gift.  One of them that was used as an actual "plot point" for the ficlet was Valomilk. 

I'm sure you can see where that fic was going. **Wink, wink**

I finally was able to get a hold of this candy to try it, thanks to my local Cracker Barrel!!  I just wanted to prove her right in saying that this stuff is one of the messiest things to EVER be invented.

But it's delicious, that's for sure!

Also, that messiness literally all happened in a span of five seconds.

[violetmoonlight]

Credit to owner

[thingsiateingeneral]

Other things I did in Austin: spend close to $30 at a candy store.

In August I read the text version of a piece NPR did on Valomilks. The story was part of Weekend Edition Special Series called "Americandy: Sweet Land of Liberty" which profiles nostalgic regional candies from around the country. I had never heard of Valomilks, much less had one. When I ran across them at a candy store on South Congress Street four months later, I had to buy some. 

They are weird. I would describe them as hard chocolate cups filled with something resembling marshmallow cream, but somehow less good. The Valomilk is not a terrible candy, but not a great one either. It feels good to put my (admittedly rather minimal) curiosity to rest.