"How do I know I am a vampire?"
Originally posted on the 1st of January 2023:
I get to ask about the personal journey as a Vampyre very frequently in the course of welcoming newcomers to this community.
For me, in the beginning there was blood. I based my identity as a Vampyre solely on my practice of blood drinking which was - looking back - motivated by seeking a kind of fulfilment, or Vervollständigung. Part spiritual, part emotional, part sensual. I was and still am a seeker of experience, that way. Need only applies to my practice in the abstract.
When I found my way to the Vampyre community I saw many things that aligned with my ideas, but I also saw many things that I didn’t align with. Still, the draw of a community where I saw a potential of feeling understood was too good to pass up. This hasn’t exactly always manifested as I initially wanted to believe, but eventually I invested too much into making a home for me in the community to disengage totally. Maybe the real vampirism is the friends we made along the way? Not at all untrue from where I stand.
Now, I am fond of saying that I grew up within Vampyre Culture. It is true, being a Vampyre is such an integral part of my personal identity that there is no room for even a sliver of doubt. Who but me would be more deserving of the most questionable mantle of Vampyre? What matters weighed against that level of conviction? Nothing at all.
However, looking beyond myself there is little assurance I can give a seeker who comes our way. It used to be simple. In the past, I naturally felt that what makes a Vampyre is the lived practice of drinking human blood, as that was my own experience. Even then I was not interested in being any more inquisitive regarding the exact reasons and sub-reasons of an individual’s desire for blood. One narrative seemed as unfounded and as convenient as any other. As long as the individuals conducted themselves accordingly, I felt all deserved a seat at the table. Simple.
It is no longer this simple. The more we learned and the more we discovered about the history of vampire communities and their precursors, the more I felt that my own elegant ideas about the nature of Vampyrism were practical only for a very select group of individuals. We had to conclude that Vampyrism has always been far too fluid to pin down or contain, and that this is perhaps the most interesting thing about it. In our search for the meaning we discovered a plurality of meanings.
Following all this I am in the unsatisfying position of only being able to respond to a seeker in so many variances of: 'I don't know. What do you believe? What is your story?'
I worry about not being able to provide the sense of structure an individual completely new to the Vampyre community needs. Black Rose Society is a great place and a strong community but it is also rather challenging for the total neophyte I must imagine.
'Here are a couple of paragraphs for you to read about how nothing is true and how you need to find your own truth. Any questions? No? Good, see you at the next gathering. Oh, and we wear black, haha.' -M.
