Vandy Hall Sad Quotes
“Later—after the sirens and the pain and the tears—I’ll look back on this moment and remember how it all began”
“You’d never know from looking at me that I’m broken.”
“So yeah, on the outside—at least the visible parts—Vandy Hall is the kind of seventeen-year-old most girls want to be. At least, I am until I walk.”
“if people could see past my normal exterior, and even further, past the stilted way I walk, all the way deep into the heart of me? It’s ugliness, all the way down. ”
“Being stuck with back pain, a limp, and disfiguring scars the rest of my life was bad enough ”
“I limp as quickly from the office as I can before the hot prick in my eyes turn to fat, angry tears. I’d waited an hour to present my idea, sitting behind three other students who were also competing for the piece. Had he rejected theirs too? ”
“Damn, it hurts.
The more I think about it, the angrier I get. This is what I get for trying something new, for weaning off the meds. The sharp sting of disappointment isn’t something I’m used to feeling so acutely anymore. I run my hands up and down my legs, growing more and more agitated. The back of my teeth are clenched, grinding, and I’m distantly aware that part of this is the ever-present wane and ebb of withdrawal. I can’t tell where one ends and the other begins, and it was supposed to be easy by now. I was supposed to be okay.”
“Fuck, Van.” I can see the guilt in his eyes, even through my periphery. “I didn’t mean—I’m sorr—”
“Stop,” I say, shaking my head. “You know you don’t have to apologize for saying normal stuff. That’s...that’s bullshit, okay? It’s worse.” I meet his gaze, willing him to see that I’m fine. “It’s worse when you feel sorry for me.”
“Before he reopens the door, I ask, “Did you know?”
Emory sighs, gaze dropping to the keys in his hand. “Vandy, look—”
It’s enough. If he knew, odds are my parents knew, and if he’d been at the school, they knew, too. Reynolds McAllister, the boy who broke me, is finally back. And no one had the guts to tell me about it.”
“You were wrong.” The tears finally fall, leaving hot tracks down my face. “You should have given me the chance to prepare myself for—”
My mom walks up and rests her hand on my shoulder. I jerk away. “Tell me what you’re feeling? Are you only upset with us or are you worried about being back at school with Reyn? Do you need to talk to Dr. Cordell?”
My therapist. Jesus. “God, no. I’m just…” I’m holding in a sob. I press a hand into my chest, the thumping vibration of my heart so hard and fast that it feels like I’ve run a mile.
Dad coaxes, “What? Surprised? Annoyed? Freaked?”
“I’m sick!” I wail, grabbing the fabric covering my chest into a tight fist. “I’m sick of you not telling me stuff, I’m sick of being trapped here all the time, and I’m sick of you asking me how I feel and then never fucking listening!”
“Are you going to ground me? That’ll be rich. Maybe I won’t be able to leave the house, or have friends, or talk to boys, or go to parties, or wear make-up. Oh, my mistake. Can’t ground me from something you’ve never allowed me to have.”
“My ribs feel like they’re strangling my lungs, and I can’t even properly appreciate the irony in my parents wanting me to act like an adult when they treat me like a child. ”
“I’m just this mangled, nervous mess of wanting and not-having. I’m the shattered glass and the crushed metal. I’m the long expanse of asphalt and the pungent spatter of gasoline. I should have had time to become something more than the meager sum of that night’s parts”
“It doesn’t help the way my lungs feel like they’re being crushed. I just can’t breathe. I keep gulping in air, but it’s like everything is constricting me—my shirt, my skin, my bones”
“That’s where the Oxy made things a little easier. I know it’s wrong, and bad for me, and unhealthy, and is causing me more trouble now that I’d like to admit, but at least it’s mine. With the pills, I can create my own world—one that’s void of pain or sharp, harsh emotions. A world where I’m always okay and comfortable, and even if it can’t give me happiness or the thrill of late Friday nights and their regretful morning-afters, it can at least dull the deep, aching sense of disappointment. It’s just really hard to care about being left out when you’re high as a kite.”
“Vandy Hall is off-limits.”
Off-limits.
Story of my life.
“Why?” I blurt. “Because I’m so pathetic? So vulnerable? So—” Broken. The words won’t emerge from the tightness in my throat. It feels like the last three years crashing back down on me and I’m drowning in it, fighting against a current I can’t beat back. ”
“You’re not—” He looks away, that tight smile transforming into a stony frown. “You’re not pathetic.”
“Tell that to the rest of the school.” I snort, following his gaze to where a puddle is collecting nearby. “They treat me like I’m a delicate flower. One swift wind or a hard rain, and my petals fall right off.”
“Of course, Vandy is bored out of her mind, and why wouldn’t she be? She’s living in the land of gluttony at Preston. Everyone else is off partying, getting laid, spending mommy and daddy’s money, making memories, and leaving a mark in that long corridor of glass trophy cases. And here Vandy Hall just wants to write some dumb fucking article—that’s her pinnacle of significance here—and she can’t even do that.”
“I bury a groan into my hands. “You’re not hearing anything I’m saying. I couldn’t tell you, because you have this completely unrealistic view of me.” I look him in the eye when I say, “You want me to be this quiet, innocent girl who’s locked away, and I—” My voice cracks, and I shake my head. “I’m sick of being quiet for all of you, Em. I can’t always be innocent, and I don’t want to be locked away. I want to live my life, and that’s not always going to be sunshine and rainbows, sorry to break it to you.” I look down at my hands, feeling another wave of exhaustion. “None of you will even give me room to do anything right, let alone mess up every now and then. Are you really surprised?”
“I’m not going to let anyone judge me, least of all him. I was in pain for a long time. Sometimes, I still am.”
“I can’t keep not living my life just because my family is like this. I can’t.” My voice is full of an old, secret fear. “It’s like every day since the accident, I’ve faded, and I’ve just become this ghost of a person. Part of it was the pills, but I know that isn’t all of it. A bigger part is just not being allowed to grow into the person I’m supposed to be. It’s crushing me.”
“People are pressing closer now, and it’s louder. The whole crowd is charged with adrenaline, pushing and pressing closer to the ring. I don’t know if it’s some kind of blood lust, or something more feral, but it’s triggered my biggest fear; not being able to move quickly if I need to”
“I’ve learned a lot about Vandy over these last few weeks, and one of the subtler wisdoms I’ve gained is that she’s terrified of not being able to move. Of being unable to get away fast, if she needs to. Of being trapped. Of needing other people to save her. They have no idea what they’re taking away from her with that.”
“I spent the last three years alone, lost. Maybe I’ve always been alone and lost. Maybe these last few weeks have been some tepid anomaly, and now the universe is making sure I know my place. But now that I know what it’s like to be part of something—to love and feel loved—the loss is that much sharper.”