#vanpoems

[vanyel-or-just-van]

123 PM

Random poetry written before today's nap ----- 123 pm Stumbling in the door, forgot if I locked the car even after double checking Pull out the keys again Watch the back lights flash, bleary, yellow in red making something not quite orange The heat haze around my head glows like fallout It's cooler here, under the blinding fog, than back at work A soda calls, as does a bed I take grapefruit juice as a compromise Watching the cup change colors The light dancing through it as it fills I can't sit down, trudging my way upstairs, or my back will hate me in the morning of 4 pm Glance in the mirror, run a hand through the dusting fluff It's washing out, day by day, faster Deep purple to electric, to silvered Caramel making a valiant return at the bottom Careful steps over an unempty floor, mind drifting to the one I came from The men in suits, with proper practiced smiles and the lady in blinding pink, they set me at unease The man in black making fun of his own bald spot set me at ease We grumble together in the maze of brownsand browner The stains on his teeth seemed blacker yesterday, now browngrey As I hit the bed, I watch the dance of light against closed eyelids Ghosts of half the world that was In shades far too bold, and gone too quick as I wait for a certain kind of blackness Nothing is just a single color anymore Is that what getting older is?

[vanyel-or-just-van]

To Love You

A little bit of poetry, a gift for the Dream Daddy Crowd! This is what happens when I take a walk in the woods with a notebook.

No spoilers for those who don’t know the game :)

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I loved her I think I still do, even now Her laugh was like a slap in the face; her smile, fire I loved what she thought she could turn me into And now I know I loved what of you I saw in her

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They always said love, even at its hardest, lasts forever It just takes a little more tending sometimes And I tried to give her everything, all the love I had Was the ring the end? Did I giver her too much at once? Maybe we both thought we could change each other And grew blind to what our love was supposed to be But we tried, even though we failed I failed

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I didn't have to tend to what you lit in me Tried to smother it, but my hands caught on the blaze So bright and warm I couldn't even see her then You were everything I loved in her and more

-- Waking up next to you was the last good moment of my life I loved you too much to love you So I locked everything away, and lost it all And that wasn't fair to her Wasn't fair to you But if I let myself remember all of that feeling I knew I would fall apart And lose what little I had The illusion was all I had

--

They never teach you to say goodbye to someone you loved So there we sat, here we sit Three souls cast adrift by one mistake

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Neither of you asked for what I did to you And I can never be forgiven But I loved her And I loved you I still do, even now Too much to dare to love you

[vanyel-or-just-van]

Fire and Life

Homework: Write a poem as a public dead figure (I took this loosely)

I was born to die, as we all are, in fire Skin as white as ash Eyes as black as ash I was weak, and not alone in myself In a world of glory and burning deaths I was destined to fade To even feel the gaze of an eye was a gift I was born to die for him, for them, for you And then I met you Hair as red as the fires over which we rode As the fires burning in your eyes As the fires shouted from your lips Could you have known, then, who you were What vision to my eyes A spark of a true, full life Still, you were then but a jewel to be returned Belonging to him And I would die for him I was given the gift for glory, for death And watched it slip through my fingers Glory turned to ash and shame I left myself to die as I was meant to die Weak, abandoned, and burned Away from the light And then you found me under the seat Who even knows why you came back there You found me And you changed everything in just a few words You showed fire could be warm and gentle Instead of pain The faintest touch of your fingers It gave a new life Where once was only half I only knew how to give my entire self So I gave it all to you To live, for once, to live You saved me from your own sisters Who had right to wish me dead You saved me a seat Even when what you searched for was gone When we turned around It felt like hope They came again for you and yours But this time They didn’t have me I couldn’t watch as the wheels turned red Even though he had taken so much From both of us I went to drive them off, to give you freedom I meant to come back So I didn’t say goodbye But the fire clung to me, scorched my way back And had I reached out my hand They would have burned you too So now I said goodbye, in their way, my way But meant for a memory And you promised I’m waiting for you now, but don’t come fast I still have my old company They’re quieter now When you come to live again, I’ll be there outside Smiling at the fire in your eyes And the fire in your hair You’ll look like you always did And maybe I will, or I won’t Maybe my ash will have turned to life There is so much you’ll have to tell me If you stayed as long as you should If you’ve turned a world of fire and ash to life I’ll show you the garden I’ve tried to grow Outside my place in the hall of glory And hopefully, it will be green

[vanyel-or-just-van]

Deep in Red Water

2/1, 5-minute write, prompt: "Deep in red water". Taken as a title, rather than a first line.

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The world glows orange, and it’s beautiful. It’s hazy and slow as it moves, or you move, or both. You can’t tell which. But it’s beautiful.

The lights are hazy in the sky, behind the curtain, shining somehow all the way to your eyes from a handful of yards away. Their edges flicker and glimmer and wobble as they search and sweep.

The voices are hazy in the air that’s not air, rippling around you, through you, past you. Someone lets out a low scream, rough and smoothened, and it’s the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard.

The lights are a little less hazy now, a little clearer around you. The world glows orange.

Clamping down on the back of your neck, something yanks, and yanks. It’s funny to you that a yank could last this long, and you let the laugh slip from your lips as the world rolls around you.

Suddenly it is sharp. What is?

Everything.

You hang in the air, watching the people sob as they see you and the six burned holes eaten through a shirt that might have once been white, dripping water and something more.

[vanyel-or-just-van]

Rite

2/3, 5-Minute Free Write, prompt: “He gave himself a flower”

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Standing over the stones, feeling the wind on his face for the first time in a year

Every year, the first time. The only time. The rest was cold metal

It was a few days late, but that was on purpose - the real date was for everyone else, and he couldn’t be there

He stood over the stones, and let the heavy gun sink into the grass. His heavy boots creaked as he knelt

Fingers steadily trembling in their thick gloves, brushing polished moss

Tracing the image, the date, the name

Feeling the empty earth underneath himself, under the dewy grass at dark noon

A soft huff, like a laugh, like a sob

He gave himself a flower

A single flower, a weed, a dandelion like those that had lined the corn

And then again he stands, with a grunt

The scars are tucked away to the cold once more, the rifle in his hands

Every year growing heavier, his eyes lowered

And he walks away from his own grave

He still has a job to do

[vanyel-or-just-van]

Vigil

1/22, homework, prompt: Where are you going?/And where have you been? Where are you going? I’m fighting my way to the top of the bottom, covered in my own blood. I’m hiding in the windblown sand with a six-shooter for a conscience. I’m snapping at the hand that said it would feed me, because the last one said that too. And where have you been? I’ve been curled in the corner hay watching a baby learn it’s too dry to cry. I’ve been ground into the dust by every gold tooth and silver spoon around. I’ve been howling back at the world that laughs at me, because I’m still here.

Where are you going? I’m sneaking back into the kitchen in case I wake up tomorrow. I’m sleeping til ten on the floor of the gym in my boss’ coat. I’m standing in the moment between moments with fire in my hand. And where have you been? I’ve been thrown in a window, for once, instead of out. I’ve been dangling on the edge of a cliff, laughing my ass off. I’ve been learning to hold my tongue, now, but I still can’t time it right.

Where are you going? I’m sifting through the rubble for the ashes of a good man gone bad. I’m hitching a ride on the top of the next train out of town with no ticket. I’m spending my time keeping people safe by passing out far away. And where have you been? I’ve been laying flowers for a man handed a reputation no one could live up to. I’ve been wearing red round my neck to remind myself where I came from. I’ve been letting the wind blow me wherever my old friend Death is waiting.

Where are you going? Nowhere. And where have you been? Everywhere.

[vanyel-or-just-van]

Mud Season

2/16/17, Prompt: Mud Season

Mud season hits just about in the middle of February. The rain usually comes at the bookends of the day, just enough to make the grass squelch under boots and sandals alike. That’s one of the cool things about mud. Mud don’t car. It’ll eat a $5, 000 Louis Vitton bag as fast as a $2 Target one. But it’s not like it’s mud’s fault. Mud just wants to be there. I used to not like the mud. Not a fan of dirt, either. I made my own messes well enough without help from either of them. But now...it’s nice. A little soft comfort on the ground, keeps you alert on your shortcut. If your shoes are thin enough, you can kinda feel the squish. Mud doesn’t hate you. It wants to hug you and not let go. There’s a certain kind of comfort in that, isn’t there. Thick and sticky, clinging to whatever hold it’s given. Right there at semi-solid. Everyone wants to be clean, to wash it off But I think I mightt just want to wallow in it for a bit. After all, it’s what the pigs do, And since when have you ever seen an unhappy pig?

[vanyel-or-just-van]

Learn Alone

2/16/17, Prompt: I have to learn alone

I have to learn alone, because I do not know who to ask I’m sure if I asked, there is someone who would take my hand and show me the way But there is no halo to show me No guiding light in the sky And so I must learn alone Stumbling forward, reaching out, taking a chance, asking Letting someone else hold the essence in their hands and hoping Beyond hope That they will find it just to their taste, and I will find theirs the same Too many times it has been too saccharine, too subtle As of late, too bitter and slow to release Each loss leaves behind a bit of themselves, shifts the flavor Now I am a stone soup of those who ate and wanted no more But still I warm the pot For I must learn alone how to love And keep trying until I am someone’s comfort dish