#vent post;

[lesenbyan]

I think one of my biggest peeves/struggles is that. Like. It's been acceptable for cis girls to wear boy's clothes for a while (still get picked on and shitty comments from some but it's Acceptable) and some cis girls just have flat chests. So me, over here, being trans-masc is really hard bc I will just. Always read as female. No matter what I do. Square glasses? Check. Men's clothes? Check. Binder? Check. Walk like a cis dude? Check. Still get called ma'am more than anything. Only get called sir from behind on a good day and is quickly "corrected"

I'm real tired y'all. Can I be perceived as androgynous yet? I'm tired of over performing masculinity in the hopes of not being thought of as a lady.

[lesenbyan]

Man I am both aro and acespec and some aspec posts that I see really fucking annoy me

[lesenbyan]

Me: takes lunch and breaks outside in a shaded corner around the store bc vaping but don't want bothered

This dude: standing nearby and takes a phone call. That's whatever

Dude: comes back later and then apologizes for being in my space earlier

Me, internally: huh. I appreciate that

Dude: continues going on and venting to me when I'm not even on the clock to get paid for this

Me, still internally: I retract my earlier thought

[lesenbyan]

it has been 11hrs and I'm still mad about "hey i literally didn't read a word of your post (that was partially race) before rbing it (to a blog for a completely different race) but it's unfair for you to make a personal and unreblogable post about how it bothers you on your personal blog with less than 80 followers where you don't even mention my url without first asking me to remove the rb nice and politely"

like. I am singlehandedly much more pissed off about the ask this morning than I was about the incident happening. The post staying on their blog was w/e bc it did say in the post what his race was so I didn't care. the thing that bothered me was that it happened at all bc that's proof they didn't care enough to properly look at my character the way I designed him in ways I did specifically for myself that are part of why I relate to him. Would you be telling me to chill out if I was upset that you misgendered a trans character? if it s about skin tone as opposed to actual fucking race? if so you need to get your head out of your ass and if not you need to think about why the fuck this one is okay.

I'm a whole ass person of color. I make whole ass OCs that very frequently represent my experiences about that. and to be told I'm overreacting to make One Post about how it makes me feel gross is racist at best, esp given that this was explicitly about race. Like. the point of games with CCs is so that players invest themselves into the characters. There is a little bit of me in all of my developed characters.

And then you tell me I'm not allowed to be upset until I've played the good black person and put on my nicest face and send you an ask requesting you undo something you shouldn't have done in the first place

Edit: that's not to mention that their excuse for not reading the post is CFS which i also have. Why do I and my lack of energy not matter when I have to pen up a letter to you to remove a post but yours does when you have to read it? like damn man.

[lesenbyan]

Sometimes I really do feel like I've lost most if not all of my ability to communicate with people bc I'm so frequently misunderstood by everyone into being this rude and/or uncaring bitch despite it being clear to me when I do and don't care and I do my best to signal in the societal Correct ways and it just doesn't work. I spend so much time these days agonizing over words and wording and second guessing myself and asking if things make sense to a degree that feels disproportionate to anyone's efforts to understand or meet me halfway. To the point where I keep looking up the communication issues common with psychosis bc I know it runs in the family, but every time I just decide that I'm stupid or Suddenly Bad At Talking and it's making me so tired.

It'd be one thing if it was a consistent issue with One Person. But it's an issue with everyone I talk to on any kind of regular basis from friends to coworkers to customers and all it's doing is causing Conflicts and making me feel miserable for talking when I also literally physically can not not talk all the god damn time. It's frustrating and demoralizing to be trying so hard and for it to just. Never work. Like clearly it's a me issue! Otherwise it wouldn't be so universal. Which makes it mine to fix. But it's so frustrating, why do I have to keep trying harder and harder in order to exist correctly as I get older and everything gets more and more fucked up in my head and body? Can't I just stop trying sometime? I'm already so fucking exhausted. I thought I'd feel better after sleeping and I just feel worse.

I just miss the days when I could say things to people and not have to second guess my wording or mannerisms while talking. Or maybe I've always been like this and just no one told me before, I don't know. But I'm tired and I miss being able to just be casual when talking.

[thats-a-lotl]

i feel like an outcast even on this web site some times so i guess even when i’m surrounded by friends i’m destined to feel lonely!

[thats-a-lotl]

i have never been more ashamed in my life.