Sometimes I really do feel like I've lost most if not all of my ability to communicate with people bc I'm so frequently misunderstood by everyone into being this rude and/or uncaring bitch despite it being clear to me when I do and don't care and I do my best to signal in the societal Correct ways and it just doesn't work. I spend so much time these days agonizing over words and wording and second guessing myself and asking if things make sense to a degree that feels disproportionate to anyone's efforts to understand or meet me halfway. To the point where I keep looking up the communication issues common with psychosis bc I know it runs in the family, but every time I just decide that I'm stupid or Suddenly Bad At Talking and it's making me so tired.
It'd be one thing if it was a consistent issue with One Person. But it's an issue with everyone I talk to on any kind of regular basis from friends to coworkers to customers and all it's doing is causing Conflicts and making me feel miserable for talking when I also literally physically can not not talk all the god damn time. It's frustrating and demoralizing to be trying so hard and for it to just. Never work. Like clearly it's a me issue! Otherwise it wouldn't be so universal. Which makes it mine to fix. But it's so frustrating, why do I have to keep trying harder and harder in order to exist correctly as I get older and everything gets more and more fucked up in my head and body? Can't I just stop trying sometime? I'm already so fucking exhausted. I thought I'd feel better after sleeping and I just feel worse.
I just miss the days when I could say things to people and not have to second guess my wording or mannerisms while talking. Or maybe I've always been like this and just no one told me before, I don't know. But I'm tired and I miss being able to just be casual when talking.
