(Picks up invisible mic, turns towards invisible audience and pours out my shallow heart)
So I've been trying to figure out why I'm such a bitch fake person?
Like why don't I let ppl all the way in? Like why do I just give ppl the mainstream version of myself? See I'm the kind of person that ppl tell everything to. Like it has to be something unique about my ears that makes ppl not filter anything for it. I must say that I dont mind this at all, but I'm really starting to feel bad b/c I dont offer much of myself in return. I mean I don't share anything real or profound.
Of course I'll talk about
music, shows, or movies (I must admit that from my biased point of view, my taste in entertainment is absolutely delicious), or
job woes (You cant ever get me to shut up about my massive student loan from that nagging ho Sallie Mae, and a pointless degree that I should prob use as a wash rag or drink coaster),as well as
my typical family drama (I swear to you, all Jamaicans are nuts).
I'll also swap college stories, have rants about crazy Vegas shit, and engage in classless ATL convo (you heard so and so is gay? Is he rapping too? Damn everybody think they a celebrity huh?) However, I wont talk about the things that truly matter, even though ppl are literally begging me to share this part of myself with them. The crazy thing is that I want to, but I'm just amazingly stingy when it come to my feelings.
I know as a teen I felt like I never had anyone to talk to (lame excuse, i know). I mean anyone I could just lay the heavy shit on. I kinda felt like most ppl couldn't relate, completely understand, or gave a fuck. And its not that I had some horrible childhood or anything, but nonetheless in my 20+ yrs of living, I've been through some thangs--good, bad, and fucked up...and I just never share them with ppl or go too indepth.
As i get older, it just gets worse. I don't address things or let myself be vulnerable, or shit-- appear completely human. At least as a kid I'd write a poem, diary entry, blog, do something to vent about my experiences... but now I just shrug it all off. I know it isn't healthy, and now that I'm ready for substantial relationships (friendships, boyfriend, etc), I just have to "let my guard down"...So today on October 9th, 2011, I (insert my government name), will remove this tall concrete wall that guards my soul and open up, first to the ppl I care about, and if I'm not completely exhausted-- everyone else. I'm gonna avoid being passive aggressive, stand tall, and just say all the things I never damn say. This may seem real itsy bitsy to some ppl, but for me its harder than calculus (I'm like so dyslexic when it comes to math).
I HAVE to grow as a person; thus, I shall "woman up" by putting on my cute, sexy, pink cape and self-empowering panties, as well as consistently express my emotions, be as straight-forward as possible, and most importantly communicative with ppl I want to have long-lasting relationships with.
(thanks my invisible audience for listening, bows in their direction, puts invisible mic back on the stand, and engages in a self-motivated pep-talk as I walk away..."you can do this bitch"!)
