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The Chamber of Secrets: Obsessions Edition

Everyone has obsessions. You might have fallen in love with duelling or Quidditch, or indeed with a particular school subject, and your friends might have called you weird for it (on more than one occasion). However, some of Hogwarts' residents have the strangest of compulsions - for the strangest of reasons, too! Read on to find out more... UNVERIFIED RUMORS 1. You've noticed Vladimir Valentin's obsessive consumption of blood pops, right? Well, we at The Parselmouth have come to believe he's actually a bloodsucking vampire. Make sure you keep a healthy stock of garlic in your pockets to avoid becoming his next meal - you know, once the blood pops have lost their appeal... 2. If you've ever wondered why the third years seem to be obsessed with finding love, you'll be glad to know an anonymous contributor has graced us with an answer. It seems there might possibly be a secret dating contest going on, the details of which are presently unclear. We hope to verify this rumor by finding more information in the future. 3. Professor Gainsborough's obsession with performance is a source of irritation for many - especially those he teaches. However, his impromptu outbursts and multiple layers of make-up may serve an important purpose: to distract us from the face full of ugly spots and unfortunately-shaped freckles he possesses. Poor man. VERIFIED RUMORS 1. Sophie Downes' fondness for cookies has led us to an important conclusion. Have you ever pondered the identity of the infamous Cookie Monster? Look no further than the sixth year Hufflepuff. 2. Experimentation can be a dangerous obsession to have, especially without possessing the intelligence to prevent disaster. However, it's clear that Desmond Tonks knows exactly what he's doing with his interests. The latest school craze - devices to nurture small virtual pets known as Magimons - was created solely by him. Who knows what he'll invent next?! 3. Of course, we couldn't write about obsessions without featuring our two Arithmancy teachers - Professors Wollice and Owens - who have an unhealthy obsession with numbers. They've been known to take it as far as celebrating Pi Day, Mole Day and other assorted number-related Days with their classes, while Professor Wollice's prefect appointments are also heavily influenced by the candidates' life path numbers. So, to the school's avid sports fans and work-obsessed nerds: please know that you're totally, perfectly normal. You're welcome. written by Kayla Kedzierski and Zara Anguariz

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Sports in Slytherin: The Growth of Gobstones

This year, despite its obscurity in the past, the people of Hogwarts have renewed their enthusiasm for gobstones. Are we now looking at a sport to rival duelling and Quidditch in the castle? A suitable alternative for the people - like me - who are tired of the other two options, perhaps? We can only hope so. There's only so much duelling and Quidditch talk I can take, after all... Gobstones, for those unfamiliar with the game, has been around since the dawn of time (or close enough). The objective is simply to capture the stones of the other player... but watch out! The loser is continuously squirted in the face with a foul-smelling, nasty-coloured liquid. Sounds charming, doesn't it? Considering we're still in the early stages of the school year, there hasn't been much progress in the aptly named Hogwarts Gobstones League. However, I am incredibly pleased to report that our very own Baby Erquemboure is already ahead of the game, with what is most likely the league's first win of the year already safely in her pocket. That's it for now, but remember to stay tuned! We'll soon have more updates on the progress of the Hogwarts Gobstones League. written by Tian Cruz

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The Adventures of Salazar: Love at First Sight

illustrated by Lucius Cronus

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Slytherin Spotlight: Rosebud Kane

Slytherin Spotlight articles are dedicated to showing off some of our housemates' achievements to all of Slytherin house. This year's first article showcases Rosebud Kane, a talented and promising second year duelist, whose pursuit of dueling proficiency so far is an excellent demonstration of how perseverance can lead to success. ————————– Q: First of all, we all know you're great at dueling. What motivated you to dedicate so much time to the sport? A: What motivated me? Uh well there's... Oh no I can't say that. Oh! Because - wait no, sorry. Um... well, there's always been this rivalry between me and my br - best not. Let's just say there's some people I want to impress and some people I want to set on fire. Yeah, that works. Q: Violence then, hmm? Interesting. And do you have any thoughts about the lack of Slytherins in the chamber? Or any encouragement to get the lazy ones going, perhaps? A: There's a lack? It seems like every other person I duel is a Slytherin. True, I see Ravenclaws more, but I don't mind. I don't see why houses have to separate people, you know? Q: Fair enough. You spend more time in the dueling chamber than I do so you must be well informed. Are you going to enter the dueling tournament again? You made it pretty far last year. A: I don't see why not. It was fun last year so I don't mind doing it again. You think I made it pretty far? Ah! Thank you! Q: No problem. So, what else do you enjoy doing in your free time? A: I like to follow Kir - trends. And all the pretty clothes people wear. Yes. Or I guess... duel. I used to play guitar at home, but I didn't bring it. I accidentally set it on fire last year and I'd rather not risk it again this year. Q: What about Quidditch? I thought I saw you out on the pitch for tryouts. A: Are you following me? Yes, I did try out. I... enjoy some parts of Quidditch. Like the players. And flying! Flying is fun too! Q: Oh, I'm not following you. I just recently saw tryouts happening and thought I saw you there. Anyway, one last thing - can you give us an interesting fact about yourself that no one would know? A: You're not allowed to transfer into Ravenclaw. I know. I've asked. written by Bryony King and Kestrel Wayland, with Rosebud Kane

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Numerology Horoscopes: Halloween Edition

There's something spooky in the air tonight. That's right, snakes of the common room - it's almost Halloween! We hope you've been brushing up on those scary stories and working hard on your costumes, ready to make October 31st Hogwarts's most spooky Halloween yet. Of course, there's only one more thing you need to do before the big day. What better way to prepare for Halloween than to find out what will happen to you during our much-loved seasonal holiday? Just figure out your life path number and read on to discover your fate... (For those of you who don't know how to calculate your life path number: take the numerical form of your date of birth - 22/08/2023, for example - and add the digits together. This makes a total of 19. Then add the numbers: 1 + 9 = 10. Then add the digits again: 1 + 0 = 1. This will leave you with your life path number - in this case, it is a 1.) LIFE PATH NUMBER: 1 Let your creative side flow when asked to help your friends get ready for Halloween. With your artistic talents on board, you and your friends are bound to have the best costumes of all! Just make sure you allow a little time for yourself, and don't stress out in the process. LIFE PATH NUMBER: 2 You'll be in the best mood ever when you bump into Mr/Mrs Right in a corridor this Halloween. Falling in love always happens when you least expect it, doesn't it? And what better time for you to fall in love than during the best darn holiday of the year... LIFE PATH NUMBER: 3 Your friends know that with you involved in planning the Halloween party of the century, nothing could possibly go wrong. Create the spookiest decorations, the craziest costumes and the most poppin' playlist ever and get ready for the party of a lifetime! And remember to invite us, yeah? LIFE PATH NUMBER: 4 You've grown up with ghost stories, you've been paraded around in costume and you've eaten handfuls and handfuls of candy in the past. But it's time to seek out your friends and try something new this Halloween. After all, a new tradition between friends can last a lifetime. LIFE PATH NUMBER: 5 You, dear 5, have the attitude and skills to make the world a better place. Make sure you're around to take care of those who've been spooked a little too much this Halloween. They'll need your caring nature to survive the night. LIFE PATH NUMBER: 6 With a keen eye for organization, volunteering to help plan your house's Halloween events would be a great outlet for your talents, dear 6. Be careful to make sure that nobody is left out, though. LIFE PATH NUMBER: 7 You have the potential to be a great entrepreneur in the future, 7. With this in mind, see if you can start your first business venture selling costume items or fake blood over the holidays. It's worth a shot, right? LIFE PATH NUMBER: 8 You are very ambitious and goal-oriented. This is what makes you the perfect Slytherin. Use that ambition to seek out that person you've had your eye on recently - you could even plan a trick-or-treating session together! Halloween will be an evening of fun and laughter, getting to know each other and eating sweets with your new sweetheart. LIFE PATH NUMBER: 9 With a strong sense of compassion and energy, you'll get very far in life. Your family and friends will trust you to listen to them while they are in need. Listen carefully to others seeking advice this holiday season, but remember to take some time out and get some much deserved rest. written by Dove Lightwood and Zara Anguariz

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Dear Parselmouth...: Edition Seven

Caution: The Parselmouth claims no responsibility for any accidents, loss of friendships or otherwise unprecedented disasters that occur as a result of the advice issued below. Any questions, comments or complaints are best addressed to the editors. ————————– Dear Parselmouth, Now Galen's been released from Azkaban, how do we know we are safe? I don't want to die this young. - Scared Dear Scared, Look at Headmistress Flamel. She's far more competent than Headmaster Weasley ever was. Scarier, too. Her mere presence is enough to scare away any rabid werewolves. You're welcome. Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Dear Parselmouth, Halloween is coming up and I don't have a costume! Where can I get one? - Costumeless Dear Costumeless, I hear Professor Gawkrodger is good at transfiguring humans into werewolves... Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Dear Parselmouth, I've noticed around the dueling chamber that my wand is shorter than others. Will this have an impact on my casting ability? - Stumpy Dear Stumpy, It's not how big the wand is that counts, it's actually how you use it. See if you can find some dueling technique books in the library if you're concerned. Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Don’t forget to keep writing in with all those burning questions! written by Eden Beattie and Layla Howell

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Our House: Edition One

The purpose of Our House articles is to highlight important information for all students, including upcoming opportunities and lost and found items. For those of you with submissions, please leave them in the box labelled 'Our House' in the common room - we will sort and publish them accordingly. Names may be redacted or abbreviated as requested by the submitter. Please do not tamper with the box; it can and will bite. PUBLIC NOTICES By decree of Leela Toor, Slytherin Prefect, Thursdays are henceforth known as RAINBOW DAY. Dress accordingly. Notice is hereby given that all of John Lupin's chocolate frog cards will be sold at public auction, to satisfy Kirk Lawson, who is sick of finding them everywhere. The auction will take place next Monday at noon. Cards include Beaumont Marjoribanks, Gwenog Jones, Jenna James, three Queen Maeve, fifteen Oswald Beamish and twenty-four Merlins. To the owner of the striped briefs: stop leaving your undergarments in the common room. The house elves keep leaving complaints about the scorch marks left on the furniture when we burn them. The Environmental Assessment of Slytherin Dormitories is complete and the results are in! We live in a dungeon. This is unacceptable on so, so many levels. Petition to evict Ravenclaw from their tower to follow. Hey, whoever left their cat's poop in the common room, that wasn't cool, man. I had to do a scouring charm like five times on my shoes, bro. - Luke Cronus UPCOMING OPPORTUNITIES The Slytherin Quidditch team is hosting a bake sale to buy new equipment! Come by the Great Hall on Saturday morning after nine to support the team and buy cupcakes. We are also in need of volunteers to sell them as we have the pitch booked for then and are not giving it up to Gryffindor. NOW HIRING! The Hogwarts kitchens are in dire need of new baking assistants. Benefits include on-site housing and your very own tea-towel. Do you like making your opponents suffer? Are you quick on the draw? Do you think the bombardment curse builds character? Us too! Join the Dueling Club! Meetings held weekly in the chamber. Slytherins represent! FOR SALE Used essays and quills for sale! Contact Grover Penn for more details. LOST AND FOUND Lost: Quick-quotes quill, writes in purple, silver-tipped. Has a matching hard case with the initials IR on it. Please return to Irene Redgrave or else. LOST HERBOLOGY PROJECT. SMALL SENTIENT FLOWERING VINE. EMITS STRANGE WARBLING SOUND WHEN FRIGHTENED AND OCCASIONALLY LEAVES TRACES OF PURPLE, GELATINOUS GOO. DO NOT TOUCH THE GOO. IF FOUND, FLAP YOUR ARMS BEFORE APPROACHING, IT IS AFRAID OF BIRDS AND WILL WARBLE AND COWER. - A Found: Barn owl. I'm not giving it back, it's mine now. - L Did you lose your Hospital Wing assistant's badge? We found it for you! Just visit the Lost and Found room to the left of the portrait of Renaldo the Wicked on the fourth floor and we'd be happy to reunite you with your lost item! Sincerely, Hogwarts House Elves Lost and Found. compiled by Kirk Lawson

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Classwork 101: How to Succeed in Defence Against the Dark Arts

Struggling in a particular class? Don't want to ask your classmates for help and risk looking like an idiot? Don't want to ask your teachers for help for fear of looking worse? Fear no more! This is the fourth installment of The Parselmouth's 'How to Succeed in' series - a group of articles helping you to achieve that O grade in each and every one of your classes. This year's first class is the widely popular Defence Against the Dark Arts! TACKLING LESSONS 1. You think DADA is all about learning to fight bad guys, right? Wrong. There's so much more to this class than learning to emulate the achievements of the wizarding world's favourite hero, Harry Potter. Be prepared to tackle other topics too. 2. A lot of the spells you'll learn in class are commonly used in the chamber. Working hard on your duelling and learning as many spells as possible means you might pick up a decent amount of the syllabus on your own. TACKLING HOMEWORK 1. Do your homework as soon as you get it. You're dealing with Professors James and Trimble, after all. It's best not to forget you've got essays to do when they're your teachers... 2. There are plenty of books in the library you can look at if you're eager for extra information. Including some of it in your essays might boost your grades. TACKLING THE PROFESSORS 1. Don't try and ask Professor James why she's teaching Defence instead of Potions this year. We all know how much she liked the dungeons. It's probably a sore subject. 2. Then again, Professor James is very knowledgeable. So is Professor Trimble. So direct all your subject-related questions to them, if you have any, and not to Professor Gainsborough (see below). 3. Professor Gainsborough is an idiot. Ignore everything he says. Follow these simple tips and you, like me, will pass Defence Against the Dark Arts with flying colours! written by Eden Beattie