#edenbeattie

[theparselmouthvh]

Classwork 101: How to Succeed in Muggle Studies

Struggling in a particular class? Don't want to ask your classmates for help and risk looking like an idiot? Don't want to ask your teachers for help for fear of looking worse? Fear no more! This is the sixth installment of The Parselmouth's 'How to Succeed in' series - a group of articles helping you to achieve that O grade in each and every one of your classes. Today we're looking at Muggle Studies. Ew. TACKLING LESSONS 1. Muggles are gross. Why would you even want to turn up? Don't turn up. 2. If you do turn up, try not to take anything Professor Gawkrodger says too seriously. Although it might be nice to think of muggles as pointed stick-wielding savages, they just aren't. We're the superior species here. TACKLING HOMEWORK 1. Throw yourself wholeheartedly into every task. If Professor Gawkrodger asks you to stab someone with a pencil, go for it! Those Hufflepuffs could use a lesson or two. 2. Your essays won't require much thought. Like Divination - the wackier it is, the higher your mark will be. TACKLING THE PROFESSOR 1. Take everything he says with a pinch of salt. 2. I've heard he likes to be bribed with 'adult' beverages. 3. Don't try and contact him on any muggle devices. We've all heard of an older student who tried to do that once; I don't think it ended very well for her... Follow these simple tips and you, like me, will pass Muggle Studies with flying colours! written by Eden Beattie

[theparselmouthvh]

Dear Parselmouth...: Edition Eight

Caution: The Parselmouth claims no responsibility for any accidents, loss of friendships or otherwise unprecedented disasters that occur as a result of the advice issued below. Any questions, comments or complaints are best addressed to the editors. ————————– Dear Parselmouth, All my friends have started revising for OWLs already. Should I have started too? - Not Studious Dear Not Studious, Your friends have probably started early because they're dumb. If you're smart, revising the night before will work perfectly. Good luck with your exams! Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Dear Parselmouth, Trying to keep up with duelling, gobstones, Quidditch, Arithmancy Club, choir and homework is really, really hard. How can I fit everything in? - Overachiever Dear Overachiever, Short answer: You can't. Long answer: You'll need to make a few cuts to make everything else more manageable. I'd suggest dropping out of Arithmancy Club (you shouldn't need it if you actually know what you're doing) and quitting the gobstones league (ew, gross). You're welcome. Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Dear Parselmouth, How do I ask out the girl I like? - Inexperienced Dear Inexperienced, Just ask her. The worst she can do is say no! (Well, the worst she can do is hex you all the way to the Hospital Wing but they'll heal you up there in no time, so it's all good.) Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Don’t forget to keep writing in with all those burning questions! written by Eden Beattie

[theparselmouthvh]

Classwork 101: How to Succeed in Divination

Struggling in a particular class? Don't want to ask your classmates for help and risk looking like an idiot? Don't want to ask your teachers for help for fear of looking worse? Fear no more! This is the fifth installment of The Parselmouth's 'How to Succeed in' series - a group of articles helping you to achieve that O grade in each and every one of your classes. Today we're looking at the achilles heel of many students at Hogwarts: Divination! TACKLING LESSONS 1. Practice! (Whether you take that to mean practising the various forms of divination you've been taught or practising the creation of made up predictions, though, I don't care. Either would work fine if I'm honest). 2. Predict as many deaths as possible. You'll score major plus points, I promise. TACKLING HOMEWORK 1. Just make it up! The wackier it is, the higher your mark will be. TACKLING THE PROFESSORS 1. Bring earmuffs and a change of clothes to every lesson, just in case one of Professor Bond's pranks goes a tad too far. 2. That being said, ignore everything Professor Bond says; his idiocy is rivalled only by Professor Gainsborough's. 3. If you're too nervous to make up your predictions, speaking to Professor Rhodes is probably your only hope of passing this class. So try not to irritate her or fall asleep in her classes. Follow these simple tips and you, like me, will pass Divination with flying colours! written by Eden Beattie

[theparselmouthvh]

Dear Parselmouth...: Edition Seven

Caution: The Parselmouth claims no responsibility for any accidents, loss of friendships or otherwise unprecedented disasters that occur as a result of the advice issued below. Any questions, comments or complaints are best addressed to the editors. ————————– Dear Parselmouth, Now Galen's been released from Azkaban, how do we know we are safe? I don't want to die this young. - Scared Dear Scared, Look at Headmistress Flamel. She's far more competent than Headmaster Weasley ever was. Scarier, too. Her mere presence is enough to scare away any rabid werewolves. You're welcome. Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Dear Parselmouth, Halloween is coming up and I don't have a costume! Where can I get one? - Costumeless Dear Costumeless, I hear Professor Gawkrodger is good at transfiguring humans into werewolves... Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Dear Parselmouth, I've noticed around the dueling chamber that my wand is shorter than others. Will this have an impact on my casting ability? - Stumpy Dear Stumpy, It's not how big the wand is that counts, it's actually how you use it. See if you can find some dueling technique books in the library if you're concerned. Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Don’t forget to keep writing in with all those burning questions! written by Eden Beattie and Layla Howell

[theparselmouthvh]

Classwork 101: How to Succeed in Defence Against the Dark Arts

Struggling in a particular class? Don't want to ask your classmates for help and risk looking like an idiot? Don't want to ask your teachers for help for fear of looking worse? Fear no more! This is the fourth installment of The Parselmouth's 'How to Succeed in' series - a group of articles helping you to achieve that O grade in each and every one of your classes. This year's first class is the widely popular Defence Against the Dark Arts! TACKLING LESSONS 1. You think DADA is all about learning to fight bad guys, right? Wrong. There's so much more to this class than learning to emulate the achievements of the wizarding world's favourite hero, Harry Potter. Be prepared to tackle other topics too. 2. A lot of the spells you'll learn in class are commonly used in the chamber. Working hard on your duelling and learning as many spells as possible means you might pick up a decent amount of the syllabus on your own. TACKLING HOMEWORK 1. Do your homework as soon as you get it. You're dealing with Professors James and Trimble, after all. It's best not to forget you've got essays to do when they're your teachers... 2. There are plenty of books in the library you can look at if you're eager for extra information. Including some of it in your essays might boost your grades. TACKLING THE PROFESSORS 1. Don't try and ask Professor James why she's teaching Defence instead of Potions this year. We all know how much she liked the dungeons. It's probably a sore subject. 2. Then again, Professor James is very knowledgeable. So is Professor Trimble. So direct all your subject-related questions to them, if you have any, and not to Professor Gainsborough (see below). 3. Professor Gainsborough is an idiot. Ignore everything he says. Follow these simple tips and you, like me, will pass Defence Against the Dark Arts with flying colours! written by Eden Beattie

[theparselmouthvh]

Cheers to a New Year!

To new Slytherins, welcome! And to old friends, welcome back. Another school year has finally begun! Last year was a particularly triumphant one for Slytherin house. Not only were our Quidditch team successful in acquiring the Quidditch Cup for the first time in seven years, the House Cup was finally returned to its rightful owners. We also observed a considerable increase in the amount and ability of Slytherin duellists, ran a successful mentoring program and said goodbye to a brilliant group of seventh years. However, last year was last year. It's going to take just as much - no, maybe even more effort for Slytherin to maintain the success we experienced last year. So duellists and Quidditch players, be prepared to train harder and for longer. And the rest of you, keep finding ways to earn us house points. No way are we going to let last year's work go to waste. As for us, The Parselmouth's team is already looking pretty good. Returners Bryony King, Kayla Kedzierski, Kestrel Wayland and Zara Anguariz will be joined by our eager new recruits: Dorcas Duval, Dove Lightwood, Kirk Lawson, Layla Howell and Lucius Cronus. Our returning Editor-in-Chief, Asia Chadwick, is also accompanied by a brilliant editing team for the year: senior and layout editor Eden Beattie, senior editor Viola Wayland and junior editor Tian Cruz. We'll all be working together to provide you with even more articles this year, from pieces of gossip and advice to updates on some of our wonderful graduates. We're even introducing a comic strip - The Adventures of Salazar - so make sure you look out for that! That's it from us at The Parselmouth for now, but don't worry! More articles will be on their way to you soon... written by Eden Beattie and Tian Cruz

[theparselmouthvh]

A Great Year for Slytherin

Most of you should be aware that The Parselmouth's end of year article is often filled with nothing but negativity, for we are almost always forced to report on an entire year's worth of failed pursuits of glory. However, this year it seems that success has not evaded us. Slytherin house has experienced numerous successes this year. Our younger duellists have been seeking to create a name for themselves in the chamber - a feat in which many proved to be successful by placing well in this year's tournament. Our older duellists have also been at work, achieving high placements in the tournament while acting as admirable role models for many of our younger students. On the Quidditch field, this year's team were successful in bringing home the Quidditch Cup for the very first time in seven years. And although we are yet to hear the results of this year's house points competition, Slytherin are in first place at the time of writing this article. Perhaps our common room will be playing host to both cups this year? We at The Parselmouth certainly hope so. The Parselmouth itself has also had a successful year. Editors Asia and Hank have worked hard to increase the efficiency of the programme, each of our writers have made a valuable contribution to the circulation of news in Slytherin and article output has increased dramatically in comparison to previous terms. Ensuring that The Parselmouth will continue to thrive next year will be our new editing team: returning Editor-in-Chief Asia Chadwick, returning layout editor Eden Beattie (who’ll also be taking on a new senior editor role next year), new senior editor Viola Wayland and new junior editor Tian Cruz. Congratulations to the new group! Finally, before signing out for the year, The Parselmouth would like to wish our graduating seventh years well. Congratulations and good luck to Audria Madison, Chesna Kaiser, Henry Chamberlain, Leliana Flynn, Phaedra Wayland, Rory Sawyer, Sabine Huntington and Vaughn Knightly. Each of you have made a special contribution to Slytherin house throughout the years and you will all be sorely missed. Well - that's it from us! We hope you all have a wonderful summer holiday and remember to look out for applications to write for us when you get back to school. written by Eden Beattie

[theparselmouthvh]

Classwork 101: How to Succeed in Herbology

Struggling in a particular class? Don't want to ask your classmates for help and risk looking like an idiot? Don't want to ask your teachers for help for fear of looking worse? Fear no more! This is the third installment of The Parselmouth's 'How to Succeed in' series - a group of articles helping you to achieve that O grade in each and every one of your classes. In this year's final installment - don't worry, we'll be back next year! - I'll be giving you some handy hints on how to deal with Herbology! TACKLING LESSONS 1. Don't bother having a shower before you go. You'll get soil all over you and the greenhouses smell terrible. Seriously. Your friends will appreciate it if you shower after class instead of before. 2. Don't be afraid to touch gross things. Maybe work your way up to what you'll be expected to touch in Herbology by touching your friend's horribly greasy hair when they haven't washed it. Or a Hufflepuff. Both are equally gross and equally effective. TACKLING HOMEWORK 1. The advice given for both Potions and History of Magic essays also applies to Herbology. 2. For those special assignments - you know, the ones where you're given a plant to look after for the week or term - the best approach is a very simple one: to make friends with someone who enjoys Herbology. If you don't want to spend all your time talking to a plant, ask someone who likes plants to do it. Problem solved! 3. If your plant dies (which it shouldn't), steal someone else's. Preferably a Hufflepuff's because they're the most likely to fail. TACKLING THE PROFESSORS 1. Try not to spend most of your class time staring at that certain male Herbology teacher. Not listening to what he's actually saying will not help you in your exams. 2. Likewise, don't complain about the lack of said teacher's presence when being taught by the other one. That definitely won't help your grade. Follow these simple tips and you, like me, will pass Herbology with flying colours! written by Eden Beattie