How Not To Die: Death Eater Edition
Apparently, some scary stuff happened in the castle a few months ago. I really don’t remember because Gawkrodger turned me into a turtle, but he turned me into a turtle with a blowtorch strapped to her back, so that was fun.
Anyways, it seems all of you learned nothing last year and need a refresher of how not to die at Hogwarts, so here are my top ten tips to not die in a Death Eater attack.
Zig-zag. Don't run in a straight line when a Death Eater is chasing you. Keep it random and stay alive. (Don't pull a Rickon Stark)
Always carry a blowtorch. If there is one thing Death Eaters hate it's fire*, so when the death eaters come calling, set them on fire or at least weld those silly little masks into a unicorn or something.
Find someone you don't like and trip them. I mean you could really trip anyone, but see if you can locate someone you don't like first, like Dove Lightwood for instance.**
Find a really good hiding place and hide. This requires some legwork, but if you put in the effort, you too could hide in the Henry VII type suite of armor located on the fifth floor corridor two doors down from the Transfiguration classroom. Wait a minute
When in doubt slugs are you friends. Not only will turning a Death Eater into a slug factory be hilarious, but if they don't murder you. But also the slime will slow them down.
Hide behind Kimber. Well, I get to do this. Y'all have to find your own Kimber equivalent. NO STEALING MY KIMBER!! Just find someone with fancy spells and use them as a human shield.
I'll admit I didn't know this until the castle was being attacked, but find Professor Gawkrodger and have him transfigure you into a turtle. No one would ever suspect a poor, innocent turtle.
If you can't make it to your top secret hiding place, try a place that no one would ever go to even if their life depended on it, like the History of Magic classroom or Professor Knaggs' office. You'll be safe there for years.
I know this might sound like a contradiction since I wrote a whole article about killer trees last year, but go to that Whomping Willow thing and bob and weave while your attacker gets walloped.
This one takes a lot of preparation, but find a corner somewhere in the castle, commandeer it, fill it with super weird and scary stuff and you'll have an instant Death Eater repellent.
So, there you go, now stop making me right this article, just stay alive. AH AH AH STAYING ALIVEEEEEE!
*There is no evidence supporting this fact.
***Stealing Cordelia's Kimber could lead to being turning into a slug and/or being set on fire, accidentally of course.
Editors note: please don’t do this - R. R.
