d e v o n
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almost home
Product Placement
ojovivo
taylor price
KIROKAZE
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dirt enthusiast
roma★
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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sheepfilms
Monterey Bay Aquarium
hello vonnie
JVL
Peter Solarz
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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trying on a metaphor
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@theburrowtimes
The Newest Tonks' Merchandise is Now Available!
Interested? Pop by the 6th Years dorm (knock first please) or find Desmond Tonks at the Hufflepuff Table in the morning during breakfast. He'd be peddling his goods during the next few tasks as well! Desmond Tonks Advertisement Columnist | VH35
Professors Profess A Brief Goodbye to Their Golden Years
As the old saying goes, the early professor gets the potion. At least that's what students arriving to breakfast last week discovered when it appears a de-aging potion had been slipped into several of the professors goblets before sunrise and what can only be described as utter chaos broke loose. Yours truly was there to see it unfold in real time as several of the second year class had assembled for a, definitely not suspicious, early morning study session that day. In total, ten professors saw a return to their teenage years, complete with a return of uncontrollable emotions, clearly, as several students fell victim to personal attacks from a teenage version of Professor Carter. There were shrunken heads abound and students hung from chandeliers in the Great Hall by the time the potions effects had fully set into place. I myself also felt the wrath of Professor James (Before she was carted out of the great hall by a shrinking Hero Althaus) and Professor Carter with fire and worms respectively. That's what you get for going after the action I suppose - take note kids. It's dangerous in the field. But, attacking students at will wasn't the only thing on the moody professors to-do lists. They seemed to take advantage of their new found youth by running renegade around the castle. Breaking into offices, slinking off to the forest, and even hiding out in the staff lounge - granted would be a normal place for a professor if they weren't in the current mental state of a fifteen year old. As disturbing as it is to hear your favorite dance machine professor screeching "YOLO!" As he runs from breakfast with his fist in the air all signs point to the epic prank being a major success because this second year surely has no idea who could be to blame, but if I get any leads I will follow them to any lengths.
Until next time,
-Seeley Pichardo
P. S. Any students with any information regarding the this incident should report directly to Professor Foster in the Defense Offices on the Second floor.
((Special Thank You to Professors : Carter, Althaus, Narsinghani, Hambeldon, Foster, James, Mendelssohn, & Fjord; Headmaster Gawkrodger, Miss Huntington & Mr. Hextor for taking a sip and playing along))
A Recount of Epic Quidditch Failures
In Hogwarts, there is absolutely nothing that incites the tempers of students more than Quidditch. However, we also must not forget to immortalize the epic and hilarious failures of our very skilled and reliable quidditch players. In the Hufflepuff vs Ravenclaw team, we see several examples of this. No quidditch players were harmed in the writing of this article.
(1) Let’s start off strong. Mercutio Bates, prefect and quidditch captain, attempted to call a halt in a game that wasn’t his own. It’s a mystery as to what is going on in his head.
Slytherin quidder, Abigail Goodfellow, reacted to this in a most appropriate manner.
(2) Damien, whose inexperience on the pitch is probably to be blamed for this. Although the bludgers were already heading straight for Ravenclaw’s seekers, he continued to whack at thin air, leading his fellow beaters to think that the bludgers were still somewhere around.
(3) And then there’s Luca, resident Arithmancy genius.
88 - 26 ( Seeking ) = 6288 - 73 ( Seeking ) = 15
220 - 105 ( Seeking ) = 115a
(4) Here we have Damien again, who we can all see is trying to do something…but no one could figure out what.
226 - 1 (ollie) = 225
(5) Finally, we have Elaine, who attempted to pass the quaffle to herself. The poor thing was probably exhausted at the last stretch of the game.
(6) And then, as a bonus, we have the Ravenclaw Keeper having an identity crisis.
Hope you enjoyed!
Desmond Tonks Advertisement Columnist | VH34
Welcome to Hag-Warts
Ciao again my fellow Badgers, your youngest hufflepuff reporter signing in again to share with you some concerning news. I may not have been walking these school grounds long but it has come to my attention that some of our professors may be leading some truly disturbing double lives.
Tell me you haven’t noticed how often your supposed professors have been replaced with substitutes every other class. Or even swapping the very subject they teach from year to year! This reporter found it very suspicious to say the least. After hearing some very ghastly rumors about one ink-dropping Professor in particular, who shall remain nameless for my own protection, I set out with fellow first year, slytherin Ingrid Leighton to conduct a stakeout and what we discovered would horrify you to your very core.
Though it is true I spend more time in the dueling chamber then the library, I did manage to get my hands on a book describing the properties of many a magical beasts and beings and as we sat, hidden behind a statue near the Defense offices we learned many things about a certain being you should all do a little reading on. Hags!
Yes, hags. They are riddled with warts, do possess some magic and they have got to blend in for survival and so the use of potions is essential for one to integrate into society. Worse of all, and you might want to look away if you have a weak stomach, they are known to eat children! A funny little tidbit of information to take note of when you start to notice that each class of students gets smaller and smaller as the grade level rises. ( Thank you to Ingrid for her astute observation. )
Am I saying we have a hag - or perhaps half-hag - here at Hogwarts? No… I value my own life and liver far too much to make that accusation. However, rumor has it that we did recently lose a potions mistress to a more darker art. So watch yourself out there Hufflepuffs! We are awful close to the kitchens where brewing and cooking often take place.
Until next time,
Seeley Pichardo
Rate The Professor
Good Day Hufflepuffs! Once again I have rated another one of the professors that roam the halls of Hogwarts. This time I had asked for everyone to place a vote, and the winner was…. Drum roll….. Professor Mendelssohn. Many of you all know her as the Herbology Professor. She is one that will teach you all about the plants, the ones that are important, ones that can hurt you, or even ones that are plain boring. If one truly looks at Professor Mendelssohn with the eyes that are not of a student just wanting to learn about Herbology, you might see someone that is bitter and also maybe a little lonely. She might just need someone in her life to make her a little bit happier.
Just like last time, I went around asking other students what they thought of her. Almost everyone that I asked had someone positive to say about her, which was better than the last professor that I had rated. Here are a few quotes from some students around the castle.
Selena Watkins said, “She’s actually good as a professor, teaching useful things and still makes things fun for kids. Can be very sarcastic though.”
Rowan Allard said, “On the outside: an angry young woman. On the inside: a slightly less angry young woman just dying for some chocolate chip cookies.” Siobhan Arden said, “Professor Mendelssohn is strict but I think she has a heart of gold and she teaches, like, my fave subject so she obviously gets 10 stars.” Iseult Pryce said, ” She lets me play in dirt.” Desmond Tonks said, “I would rate Mendelssohn a 7 or 8 because, unlike SOME other professor I could mention, treats her job seriously. I did not give her a full 10 because she also seems to have a penchant for sending students into some sort of plant-related danger. It keeps things exciting but surely we can leave that to the evildoers of the wizarding world.”
It seems that many students like her as she does her job, which is something that a professor is supposed to be doing, and some like her because she allows them to play in the dirt. This could be fun for some people, unless you don’t like getting dirty. Overall, she gets a 8.5 from me. While she knows the information she is teaching, some things shouldn’t be in a classroom.
Keep a look out for the next issue of Rate my Professor. If you have a professor in mind, let me know.
E.Smith
Cookie Recipe
Hello Badgers!
Are you duelled out? Are you worrying about upcoming examinations? Or are you just in need of a tea time pick-me-up? Then I have just the perfect treat for you to devour. In dedication to our very own Sophie Downes – triple chocolate chip cookies with chocolate sprinkles.
It’s a pretty easy recipe once you take a look. To make a batch of 15 snacks you will need the following: -
200g softened butter 300g soft brown sugar 1 tsp vanilla extract 2 eggs 300g self raising flour 80g cocoa powder 1 tsp baking powder 300g chocolate chips a jar of chocolate sprinkles
All these ingredients can be located in the Hogwarts kitchens. If you can’t find what you need you can always ask the house elves. If you don’t know where the kitchens are located ask the nearest first year. Once you have all your ingredients we are going to preheat the oven to 180 c [various temperatures depending on the oven].
1. Cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
2. Beat in the vanilla extract and the eggs – no egg shells please [no one likes an egg crunchy cookie].
3. In a separate bowl sift flour, cocoa and baking powered together
4. Add the flour to the creamed mix in stages. Mix well, and fold in the chocolate chips.
5. Spoon a tablespoon of the mixture onto a baking tray and repeat until you have used up all the cookie mixture. [or the mixture you have left after eating it].
6. Bake for 12 minutes.
7. Once ready, place on a cooling rack. After taking out of the oven, use the chocolate sprinkles on top of the cookie, so they set in place whilst the cookie cools down.
8. EAT ALL THE COOKIES.
If there are any left, then send some in my direction.
Kermit Princeley Food Reporter
How Not To Die: Death Eater Edition
Apparently, some scary stuff happened in the castle a few months ago. I really don’t remember because Gawkrodger turned me into a turtle, but he turned me into a turtle with a blowtorch strapped to her back, so that was fun.
Anyways, it seems all of you learned nothing last year and need a refresher of how not to die at Hogwarts, so here are my top ten tips to not die in a Death Eater attack.
Zig-zag. Don't run in a straight line when a Death Eater is chasing you. Keep it random and stay alive. (Don't pull a Rickon Stark)
Always carry a blowtorch. If there is one thing Death Eaters hate it's fire*, so when the death eaters come calling, set them on fire or at least weld those silly little masks into a unicorn or something.
Find someone you don't like and trip them. I mean you could really trip anyone, but see if you can locate someone you don't like first, like Dove Lightwood for instance.**
Find a really good hiding place and hide. This requires some legwork, but if you put in the effort, you too could hide in the Henry VII type suite of armor located on the fifth floor corridor two doors down from the Transfiguration classroom. Wait a minute
When in doubt slugs are you friends. Not only will turning a Death Eater into a slug factory be hilarious, but if they don't murder you. But also the slime will slow them down.
Hide behind Kimber. Well, I get to do this. Y'all have to find your own Kimber equivalent. NO STEALING MY KIMBER!! Just find someone with fancy spells and use them as a human shield.
I'll admit I didn't know this until the castle was being attacked, but find Professor Gawkrodger and have him transfigure you into a turtle. No one would ever suspect a poor, innocent turtle.
If you can't make it to your top secret hiding place, try a place that no one would ever go to even if their life depended on it, like the History of Magic classroom or Professor Knaggs' office. You'll be safe there for years.
I know this might sound like a contradiction since I wrote a whole article about killer trees last year, but go to that Whomping Willow thing and bob and weave while your attacker gets walloped.
This one takes a lot of preparation, but find a corner somewhere in the castle, commandeer it, fill it with super weird and scary stuff and you'll have an instant Death Eater repellent.
So, there you go, now stop making me right this article, just stay alive. AH AH AH STAYING ALIVEEEEEE!
*There is no evidence supporting this fact.
**Yeah, don't do this.
***Stealing Cordelia's Kimber could lead to being turning into a slug and/or being set on fire, accidentally of course.
- Cordelia Waldegrave
Editors note: please don’t do this - R. R.
Just a little light reading...
Dear Hufflepuffs,
It has come to my attention that I have been hoarding collecting far too many books that I have now deemed obsolete. At least, they are for me. I now wish to relief myself of these tomes. Usually, I would hold a sale for them. But, in light of recent events and the fact that my money flow is now coming from elsewhere, I believe that tagging a price tag on these items is unnecessary. You may still pay for the books (1 galleon is the blanket price) if you wish to and they will be channeled into the next phase of magimon devices.
I will be setting up a stand in the area next to the Great Hall this Saturday. See you there if you are interested.
Some books that are available…
Little People, Big Plans by Ragnok the Pigeon-Toed Little People, Big Plans is a book written by Ragnok the Pigeon-Toed. It talks about the Goblin Rights and how they are ignored by Wizards. Status: Almost New
House-Elves & Self-Hatred Volumes 2,3 and 5 by ??? House-Elves & Self-Hatred were a series of books that presumably dealt with the habit house-elves have of punishing themselves when they fail to live up to their masters' expectations. Status: Almost New
Merpeople: A Comprehensive Guide to Their Language and Customs by Dylan Marwood Self – Explanatory Status: Almost New
Hairy Snout, Human Heart by Anonymous. It was known to be a "heartrending" account of one wizard's struggle against lycanthropy. It was published by Whizz Hard Books in 1975. Status: Well-worn
Blood Brothers: My Life Amongst the Vampires by Eldred Worple Self – Explanatory Status: The book’s rim is a little torn
The Handbook of Hippogriff Psychology by ???? Self – Explanatory Status: The back cover has a claw mark? Apparently it was ‘signed’ by Sableplume
Winogrand's Wondrous Water Plants by Selina Sapworthy An award-winning book that focused specifically on the water plants among Sir Winogrand's collection in the African Lakes. Status: Well-worn
The Dark Arts Outsmarted by ???? In Desmond’s opinion, the methods listed inside are outdated. Status: A few highlights on the first few pages. Otherwise, it looks brand new
Enchantment in Baking by ???? A magical cookery book. Status: Brand new. No idea how it ended up in Desmond’s possession.
An Appraisal of Magical Education in Europe by ???? Contains information of education in Durmstrang and Beauxbatons Status: Only been read once
Dominating Dementors: A True History of Azkaban by ???? Self – Explanatory Status: Well worn
Animal Ghosts of Britain by Mopsy Fleabert This book provides basic information on the animal ghosts and how to recognise and communicate with them. Status: Well worn
… and many many more.
- Desmond Tonks
(OOC: Many of these books are canon! If you wish to ‘purchase’ a book, please check out my thread in the castle corridors!)
Rate My Professor: Professor Bourdelle
Have you ever wondered what other students think about your professors? Well here is your chance to discover just that! At the start of the year I went around asking students what they thought of different professors, asking for a quote and a rating from 0-10. While some students kept it within the rating scales, a few went way below. Of course, we are all are allowed to have opinions and hopefully our professors will not take this too personally! Below are a few quotes from students about a certain History of Magic professor who likes to use dolls to teach her lessons.
Siobhan Arden - ‘I like professor Bourdelle, she does fun historical reenactments and has been nothing but kind to me. She’s also not super intimidating which always helps me.’
Rosie Roux - ‘Not Grimsby.’
Kimber Yates - ‘Who?’
Cordelia Waldegrave - ‘She’s the worst professor ever. She has zero facial hair, and forced me to write an essay about mustaches, because I kept complaining about missing Grimsby’s mustache.’
Alayna Weasley - ‘Well… she seems to have good intentions. I think? But her dolls are really scary and I really don’t like how she makes people go in front of the class. What if someone doesn’t have something special they want to share about themselves? That’s practically punishment and for good reason! I think… I really think she should stop that…’
Overall it seems she is not as popular as Professor Grimsby and her dolls are very hit and miss. I myself really didn’t like those dolls she had. They were scary and confusing. Taking all ratings into account, her overall her rating would be a 4 out of 10.
Do you agree with this rating? Should it be higher or lower? Let me know and make sure to pick up the next issue of The Burrow Times to discover what the student body thinks about our next professor!
Ethan Smith
Rate My Professor | VH34
The Not-So-Safe Zones
Though it has been weeks since the attacks on the castle a number of effects from the enchantments still linger in some of the established safe zones. Students should tread carefully when traveling near these areas. Reports of students being violently repelled or indescribably trapped for several hours are still occurring at random. This reporter herself was simply walking to the Great Hall last week and suddenly found herself flat on her back from an unknown cause, and it felt as though I'd been blasted by an exceptionally strong knockback jinx. I was nowhere near the dueling chamber. Oddly enough the greenhouses seem to be the least affected, if you remember it was the location where the majority of students were taken and held out of the castle. The library however, seems to have developed a tendency to, at random, choose to lock its doors and to trap several students inside for hours whenever someone's becomes exceptionally rough with it's door handle. A handful of students have reported complete hours where they think they may have been nearby the Runes corridor and later found themselves in a completely unrelated area of the castle and don't remember walking there. Some serious magic must surely be at work. if you fall victim to one of these leftover safe zone malfunctions, please alert the nearest prefect or professor at your earliest convenience. Let's hope it's all back to normal soon. Hogwarts normal anyway. Until next time,
Seeley Pichardo
Hogwarts Happenings | VH34
Gossip from the Burrow
WEREWOLVES ARE PEOPLE TOO
I have noticed a disturbing trend around the castle recently - a rise in anti werewolf rhetoric. Need I remind you all that these poor people (yes! People!) have no control over their status? You are hating on people for something they have no power over and this demonisation is disgusting. I understand that we as Hufflepuffs have closer ties to the Hogwarts attacks than most, but I also expect our house to show more sympathy than we have been doing.
There was another werewolf that day trying to stop the attack. Why do we not remember this heroism? Like all groups, you will always have good and bad, and you shouldn’t judge the majority by the minority. In the future, I ask for kindness. If you see someone being harassed don’t stand by and allow this to happen, defend your werewolf friends! In times when our headmistress allows professors to make a spectacle out of someone's private life, they need all the support we can provide.
HUFFLEPUFF NIGHT OF HORRORS
Recently, residents of Hufflepuff house decided it would be a fun idea to host a game of truth or dare, except no one chose ‘truth’ because we are all asking for trouble. This led to some interesting events. Desmond Tonks and Mercutio Bates made out for several sickening minutes and Ethan Smith got squashed by the Whomping Willow.
For all impressionable and reckless Hufflepuffs reading this and considering taking part in a dangerous game of Dare or Dare… do it!
FLAMEL CONTINUES TO TERRIBLE, IN OTHER NEWS WATER IS WET
The last dare, the dare to end all dares: break into the headmistresses office. I myself dared Addison Toft of Gryffindor shame to break into the headmistresses office, as I thought it would be quite fun. She was looking for bear portraits (???) and I went along to watch the fallout. At some point we were joined by Grace Foster, also of Gryffindor. I can’t reveal how we got in but we did, in the process, we assumed we were both invisible and inaudible. It turned out we were only the former.
I consider myself to be a voice of the people, demanding justice where I see injustice. My plan was simple: leave a letter explaining what needs to change around here on Flamel’s desk and then leave. I managed to leave the note behind, but had to stick it in a portrait, for the headmistress was in her office! Though we tried to remain silent, horrible accidents lead to our discovery and we were given detention.
If I deem myself guilty of a detention, I’ll endure it with little complaint. Should I have faced punishment for what I did? Yes. But the extent to which Flamel exerts her power is dangerous. All of us were forced into shackles, suspended above the Great Hall. These shackles burnt us if we moved too much. As I write, I still have the scars on my wrists. I am writing this article to warn you all about the headmistress. She is dangerous and regardless of what she says, doesn’t care about our wellbeing.
GAWKRODGER’S SECRET LOVER
In lighter news, my sources inform me that Professor Gawkrodger as been seen with a spring in his step that can only be attributed to finding a special someone to fill that empty hole in his life. Letters from a certain Penelope Proulx have been found amongst class notes. This mystery woman may just be the perfect partner for our head of house! Coincidentally, she shares the initials of Gawkrodger’s last love - Pollyana Pipkins. This is surely a sign that love will blossom! We at The Burrow Times wish you good luck, professor, in your quest for love.
WHAT TEAM? HUFFLEPUFF!
Congratulations to our house team for winning the Quidditch Cup recently! Led by Mercutio Bates and Anna Novak, our brave quidditch players flew their way into glory with a spectacular win over Slytherin. Orpheus Midnight got us off to a flying start with a brilliant goal in the opening seconds and we just kept improving from there. Hopefully we can recreate this success in both the house cup and a repeat of on pitch victory next season.
Rosie Roux
Co-Editor | Gossip Columnist
A Year of Reflection
Greetings Badgers!
The year is almost over. Exams are being marked. Homework has been issued. Friends are making plans. So which lessons were ranked the best and which ones were ranked the least?
I caught up with Hufflepuff’s very own Cordelia Waldegrave at Cordy’s Corner to find out what subject she loved the most. Her replay? “I loved History of Magic. I got to see Grim’s mustache!”
If you’ve been living under a rock for the past term and are unsure of what that is [lucky you] I would stay away from the common room. Period. Also, don’t leave anything alone for more than five seconds.
It was later in the same day I met with Seamus Cassidy. He seemed to be in a poor mood, so I made a promise to come back and cheer him up later. Instead, I found two more Hufflepuffs, Alice Reed and Ekaterina Valentin.
“Professor Knaggs is a great teacher.” The second year badger said, as Kat nodded beside her in agreement. “That’s why I loved Transfiguration.” Meanwhile, Kat focused more on the third year electives. “I enjoyed Arithmancy and Ancient Runes. They were really different but at the same time really interesting.”
As for this reporter? It should come as no surprise my favourite class of the year was Care of Magical Creatures.
The upcoming year is a chance to really focus. Whether that is on classes, making friends, dueling, quidditch or anything else that makes you happy. Until next time!
Kermit Princeley Co-Editor | Class Reporter
SUMMER INTERNSHIPS ABOUND!
Not sure what you want to do for the summer? Unsure about what you want to do after Hogwarts? Here’s your chance to get an idea of what certain magical fields might be like! Our professors are offering summer internships with their associates outside the school. These internships will last anywhere from a week to a month. Contact the Professor if you are interested!
Erumpent Conservation with Aduke Okoye
Aduke Okoye is a longtime friend of Professor Meryl Qin. She runs an Erumpent Conservation that not only seeks to increase the Erumpent population but also find a way to extract the liquid in the horn of the Erumpent safely. The internship is two weeks long and located in Africa. Since it is the mating season of Erumpents, Ms. Okoye is looking for some extra help. Learn how to manage these large beasts and perform a mating dance! Beware of explosions. Open to fourth years and above!
Understand the Stars with Ixion
Ixion is an old male centaur Professor Rhodes met when she was fairly young. Decades ago, as Professor Rhodes was keen on observing the stars in areas with lower light pollution, she ventured into a large grassy plain in rural Scotland. There, she met Ixion, who was observing the stars as well. They struck up a friendship and now, at Ixion’s request, Professor Rhodes is offering a week-long camping trip with this centaur. Under Ixion’s guidance, you will surely learn much about Divination and how to read the stars. Open to third years and above!
Artifact Maintenance with Jedidiah Daley (Grim affectionately refers to him as his personal jedi.)
Do you enjoy analyzing artefacts from a time long past? How about perusing through long historical texts? Then Professor Grimsby has the job for you! Jedidiah Daly is the curator of Museum of Magical History located in the underbelly of Edinburgh. Over a month during the summer, you will pick up the skills necessary to become a magical historian. There is always more to learn and discover in the history of wizards. Open to second years and above!
Speed Brewing with Artemis Reeds
Artemis Reeds is a famous American potioneer who was at the top of his class in Ilvermorny. He is staying in the United Kingdom for the summer to find out if the ingredients found here can help to speed up the creation of several iconic brews. An old friend of Professor Teague, he is known to be a nurturing teacher. The internship will last over a month and in that time, you can bet that you will learn plenty about how to make your potion brewing more efficient. Open to third years and above!
Desmond Tonks | VH33 Advertisement Columnist
OOC Note: These internships are mainly for the purpose for the burrow times. However, if you can actually interested in soloing a thread based on these blurbs during the summer, please PM Desmond Tonks! Thank you!
Hufflepuffs of the Moment
Today we bring you two of our most beloved Hufflepuffs! First off, Alice Reed.
ALICE REED
Alice Reed is a second year Hufflepuff who is known to be a friend to all creatures. She is also a frequent visitor to the chamber. If you see someone with a gorgeous grey tabby or reading a book in the common room, that’s probably Alice. The second year is also known to be a good friend to Ravenclaws Vladimir Valentin and London Yates. If someone find themselves being wronged, you can bet Alice Reed will come to their defense.
KERMIT PRINCELEY
The second Hufflepuff in question is my very own co-editor Kermit Princeley! Like Alice, he is a lover of animals. However, he is especially sweet on amphibians. Kermit is also a valued member on the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team. Kermit is also a hard worker. Despite meeting roadblocks in his studies, especially in potions, he would persevere. If you ever need a friend, you’ll definitely find one in Kermit!
Rosie Roux | VH33 Burrow Times Editor (OOCly, Desmond Tonks)
How Not to Die at Hogwarts: Trees??
If you're reading this guess what? We're all still alive, because you've been reading and I've been laying down my mad survival skills. Oustandings for everyone! But there is one Hufflepuff who clearly hasn't been paying attention to this column. Looking at you Ethan Smith. Looking. At. You. Ethan recently had a dangerous run in with a tree. A very naughty, dangerous tree. Thankfully he's alive, but this has brought to my attention the serious threat that is trees, and really plants in general. But mainly trees. Anyways, here are my top ten tips for how not to have your life come to a sudden arboreal stop: 1. If a tree has a name don't go near it. Only evil trees that are trying to kill you have names. So, stay away from them. 2. Always carry a small pouch of termites on you when interacting with nature. If you feel threatened by a tree, threaten him back. Oh yeah Mr. Tree? How do you like them termites? *mic drop* 3. Don't get on your mentor's bad-side, because you never know when you might need their fancy spells to save you behind from being whomped by a tree. (Thanks for saving my friend Desmond!) 4. Befriend a lumberjack or another profession that hates trees. You'll need all the friends you can get for this one. There are a lot of trees out there, so the more axes the better. 5. Find a friend with poor balance and/or slow. When all else fails, push your friend so they get attacked rather than you. There is no time for niceties only survival. Also, make sure you take any sweets they have on them before pushing them. You wouldn't want to waste sweets now would you? 6. Never go to Herbology. Sure you might get a T for the term, but let me ask you this. Is a bad mark really worse than dying? There is a reason the professor is never the same week to week. It's because they got attacked by a witch eating plant and are secretly recovering in the hospital wing, and that crazy Flamel lady doesn't want to tell you the truth. *puts away tinfoil hat* 7. If you do find yourself being attacked by a tree. Don't panic. Remember to stay calm and act like a tree. Tree's dont attack fellow trees because that's arborbalism? Woodibalism? Just act like a tree, okay? That's the important bit. 8. In addition to the termites, make sure you have your blowtorch with you at all times as well. Trees hate fire, so ignore Smokey the Bear and don't be afraid to unleash the beast. I recommend the Baffle 150-1 model. It will light up that piece of bark in no time. 9. Cardio. Run those extra laps at quidditch practice, because at the end of the day trees are slow, so RUN, FOREST, RUN you way out of trouble. 10. You only get nine this week, because it's a tree. Be smarter than it. Use your noggin' and don't die.
How Not to Die at Hogwarts: Surviving Quidditch
Hopefully, everyone is still in one piece. If not, you should be ashamed of yourself for not taking this column seriously! These are serious issues people, and I’m trying to keep you alive. So, listen up and learn how to make sure you make it to the end of the year with all ten fingers and toes.
Now most of you probably saw me zigging and zagging on the Quidditch Pitch last match, and even though I'm like the best seeker, like ever, Quidditch is no joke. It's like a flying death trap. Twigs were not meant to support that much weight. Also, you're supposed to do things with your hands too, which means you're flying on a twiglet and not holding on. DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE? I do, and it's called death.
So, here are my top ten tips to avoid dying while playing Quidditch.
Safety always comes first, so make sure you stuff as many pillows into your clothing as possible. IF you don't look like a marshmallow you are going to die.
Distractions equal death, so wear those horse blinders* to keep your eyes focused ahead of you and not on the shiny object in the stands.
Focus, focus, focus. Keep your mind on the task at hand. As much as you might want to add a taxidermy version of your captain to your special corner in the common room, it can wait until after the match. Corner him in the locker room or something instead.**
Limber up. Isn't there a saying about loose limbs sinking ships or something? Pretend that's here.
Seriously, stop trying to murder your captain. You will not succeed and will be kicked off the team.
Avoid the balls. Seriously, just avoid them. Sure some of them aren't murder balls, but it's hard to remember which is which, so just steer clear of them.
Equipment is also important, or so I'm told. Even though the purple wonder mop is pretty and purple, it will not fly. If you jump off a high platform, you will fall and break every bone in your arm.
The little gold ball is not a Ferrero Rocher. Sure Harry Potter tried to eat it one time, but he was an idiot. You will choke and DIE.
Fake an illness. Seriously, do anything you can to avoid having to fly around on a fancy branch. Just because some bloke in a shop gave it a fancy name doesn't mean it's nothing other than a branch. Branches are not made for flying. They are made for leaves and birds and stuff.
Don't fall off. This isn't a dream, you will not wake up before you hit the ground. There is not a bouncy castle in disguise under you. Or a pool. Or a giant bed. Or a net. Or a herd of llamas. Nothing will break you fall, besides you.
*May or may not lead to being sneak attack bludgered.
**Do not corner people in the locker room. It gives off the wrong vibe, and you will probably be expelled for being inappropriate.
Cordelia Waldegrave Hogwarts Survival Columnist | VH33
Quidditch Fashion
Hello Hogwarts Hoofles. This is Ansel Eddleston reporting from the latest Quidditch match: Hufflepuff versus Ravenclaw! And while you may think this article is about the match, you'd be wrong. There are many ways to show your team spirit without look a fool. Let me explain. First and foremost, it is not always about your clothes. Scrunchies, head bands, face paint, beads and streamers are all appropriate accessories to wear to a Quidditch match. Heed my advice though: I would not suggest wearing scrunchies anywhere else except a sporty event. It's more fashionably acceptable to go all out for a sports event rather than in an everyday look. The important thing to remember is moderation. Pick two or three accessories to wear on you. Any more than that and you look like you're trying too hard. Everyone knows that one person who goes a bit too far who is wearing twenty bead necklaces, has streamers sticking out of their hair which is colored yellow and has their face covered in paint. If you go all out with the face paint, perhaps skip the rest of the accessories for balance. Now let's talk about my personal favorite, clothes. The most horrendous fashion I see here today is people dressing in a disturbing amount of mix-matched colors of yellow. Please, the fashion world is begging you to stop. You look like a gross color blob in the stand that's confused on what color Hufflepuff yellow actually is. There is lemon, daffodil, cream, sandstorm, golden yellow, pastel yellow, corn, canary and many more shades of yellow that can be great colors, but they don't always look great together. If you insist on being all one color, make sure they match. I'm sure there's a spell for that. I suggest finding colors that compliment each other instead of going all out in one color. For example, Hufflepuffs can use yellow, black, silver and white with maybe a hint of gold. Still confused? That's alright. Fashion has a learning curve and if in doubt: ask a friend. I am always available for a quick yes or no answer to whether your Quidditch outfit matches the current fashion standards. Whatever you do, don't stress about it too much. Fashion is about feeling good in your skin, and sporting events are one of the few times you can go a little crazy with your clothes. So be supportive of our team! Wear your gear and look fabulous doing it!
Ansel Eddleston | Fashion and Beauty