How Not to Die at Hogwarts: Surviving Quidditch
Hopefully, everyone is still in one piece. If not, you should be ashamed of yourself for not taking this column seriously! These are serious issues people, and I’m trying to keep you alive. So, listen up and learn how to make sure you make it to the end of the year with all ten fingers and toes.
Now most of you probably saw me zigging and zagging on the Quidditch Pitch last match, and even though I'm like the best seeker, like ever, Quidditch is no joke. It's like a flying death trap. Twigs were not meant to support that much weight. Also, you're supposed to do things with your hands too, which means you're flying on a twiglet and not holding on. DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE? I do, and it's called death.
So, here are my top ten tips to avoid dying while playing Quidditch.
Safety always comes first, so make sure you stuff as many pillows into your clothing as possible. IF you don't look like a marshmallow you are going to die.
Distractions equal death, so wear those horse blinders* to keep your eyes focused ahead of you and not on the shiny object in the stands.
Focus, focus, focus. Keep your mind on the task at hand. As much as you might want to add a taxidermy version of your captain to your special corner in the common room, it can wait until after the match. Corner him in the locker room or something instead.**
Limber up. Isn't there a saying about loose limbs sinking ships or something? Pretend that's here.
Seriously, stop trying to murder your captain. You will not succeed and will be kicked off the team.
Avoid the balls. Seriously, just avoid them. Sure some of them aren't murder balls, but it's hard to remember which is which, so just steer clear of them.
Equipment is also important, or so I'm told. Even though the purple wonder mop is pretty and purple, it will not fly. If you jump off a high platform, you will fall and break every bone in your arm.
The little gold ball is not a Ferrero Rocher. Sure Harry Potter tried to eat it one time, but he was an idiot. You will choke and DIE.
Fake an illness. Seriously, do anything you can to avoid having to fly around on a fancy branch. Just because some bloke in a shop gave it a fancy name doesn't mean it's nothing other than a branch. Branches are not made for flying. They are made for leaves and birds and stuff.
Don't fall off. This isn't a dream, you will not wake up before you hit the ground. There is not a bouncy castle in disguise under you. Or a pool. Or a giant bed. Or a net. Or a herd of llamas. Nothing will break you fall, besides you.
*May or may not lead to being sneak attack bludgered.
**Do not corner people in the locker room. It gives off the wrong vibe, and you will probably be expelled for being inappropriate.
Cordelia Waldegrave
Hogwarts Survival Columnist | VH33