It’s nice to have a little room from a race before trying to pull some perspective. Been busy. Had I written this a day after, it would have been long, and it would have been covered in rattlesnakes and moonshine. This is different.
I was confident going into the race. I was even moving pretty well for a while, but there was definitely a spot in the bike where I knew the day would be a huge struggle. I fought really, really damn hard to come in with a 2:18, which was a bit below expectation. Run even felt slick for a few miles and then absolutely did not. I thought about a lot of things in the struggle - like how I was going to correct myself, and why it was happening. I thought about the past versions of myself that had raced and what was going on in their lives and minds for a bit. I thought about the idea of “Needing to hurt.” Like...when I was younger by 1-4 years, so not even that long ago, I needed to hurt in training because it was a requirement to my functionality as a human being. This year, when I’ve needed to hurt in training, it was to stand a chance at performing well. And...that’s never been the way I’ve done things. Less natural motives, I suppose. Less ingrained.
People change. Their situations change. Their makeup changes. I think mine has changed since Kona last year, and maybe even before. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. And it’s not necessarily something that should slow me down, even if it has lately. I’m certainly not the first to fall into a bit of a hole. But I’m also inspired to be an athlete who makes it back out.
I’m annoyed. I’m pissed. I’m embarrassed by the way I’ve been racing as a professional. But I’m okay with it because I’m not and have never been cutting any corners in the process. To put it briefly, I believe I am dealing with some second-deck psychological barriers that are standing in the way of performances I can see and believe I deserve to be having. Lately, all my body has been doing in a race is telling me I can’t. All my life, that’s never been a thing that lasts.