#void.rambles

[voidhymnal]

i've been watching hannibal with a friend who's seeing it for the first time (and cannot hear ANY details about the show) and we are TWO episodes away from Mizumono. i have been restrained from infodumping about one of my fav medias at a pivotal hour and i'm starting to lose it lmao

[voidhymnal]

the number of cars almost hitting me as a pedestrian in a car filled city has exponentially increased since I started using a rollator but so has my god complex as I remain thriving

[voidhymnal]

having your butch call you her femme when she knows you're struggling with your gender and it reminds you whose opinions really matter to you. it's so easy to get swept up in every little perception that crosses your mind, but do any of them truly know you? or do they only see what they want to in you? it's impossible to know until your loved ones do the opposite, until you learn how it truly feels to be seen by someone. having your butch call you her femme not because you're super feminine or always looking pretty and dressed up, but because your nature has been assembled from the building blocks of femme love and solidarity, the passionate struggle of feminism and womanhood and transgender joy, of the archetype of the empress and the gentle, rounded masculinity of someone who sees themself as both. so often we treat masculinity as if its parameters are the exclusivity of femininity, and we define manhood on the antithesis of what we decide it means to be a "woman". we choke healthy masculinity, loving masculinity, and multigendered masculinity before it ever has the chances to prosper. having your butch call you her femme not because you're feminine gendered but because being genderqueer emboldens you to embrace all aspects of yourself, and she loves you enough to nurture the one that is often forgotten. you may be bold and brave, always mending your fences, proving your resilience and loving others in spite of your hurts.. but the caring femme also needs their own appreciation and support. having someones who remind you that it's safe to lay down your protections and let them love you in your vulnerability as well as your fierceness, because these are all the pieces that make you YOU.

[voidhymnal]

the idea of being called a bleeding heart transmasc absolutely sounds like it would be used in a derogatory fashion, but it's capturing the gender feelings for me today. had a conversation with my butch today about how firmly I've always strived to build my masculinity off the foundations of gentleness and care, and how much anger I feel to watch others (especially other trans people) flatten queer masculinity (and its mascs) into a generalization of imitating cisgender toxic masculinity. it honors me that the genderfucked freaks I love have felt empowered by my presence.. it affirms me and reminds me why I want to dedicate myself to being this way. I get stronger in my resolve each time to carve the mold that suits me and empowers me to love others. I firmly believe I wouldn't feel the committment I do to shaping that experience without all the hurt I've experienced trying to claim it, but I don't feel inhibited by recognizing my hurt and letting it fuel me. having heavy feelings on gender today

[voidhymnal]

someone needs to invent an umbrella that can be attached to assistive devices, like wheelchairs and walkers, for folks who need the full use of their hands. I try to avoid going out in the rain because I'm guaranteed to hurt myself at this point if I don't use my rollator. put the bravest minds on the case please

[voidhymnal]

today i had a nurse practitioner tell me to type my untreated health issue symptoms into chatgpt. to pinpoint an illness that doctors ignore in my body. and i don't think i'm gonna recover from that one

[voidhymnal]

i love being butch and transmasc because whenever people wanna be reductive about gender i'm just a fuckin guy, but if you're willing to get freaky and queer about it i could be the weirdest dyke you'll ever meet

[voidhymnal]

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