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“Project Love Yourself”

My story about body postivity. (The first in a series about self love)

A few years ago, as i was on my journey of self discovery, i realized that some things i discovered about myself weren't going to be things that the world around me appreciates. This went for both my beliefs, personality and even my body. This idea of parts of me being wrong or taboo disgusted me and i started a project that I currently refer to as "Project Love Yourself".

This is about my body positivity journey

I am a curvy girl, some would say fat. Fat, big, whatever you want to call it. For a good time of my life it really got to me, the word fat was an insult. I would obsess over my body in the mirror. People would tell me things like "Your body is perfect if only you lost a lil weight", "if only you toned up" if only if only. I was always almost perfect, I always had just one flaw i needed to work on.

In 2015, i did a semester abroad in Sweden. There I ate better, biked everywhere and had a relatively healthier lifestyle. I doubt i lost any weight (not that i checked) but my body toned up a bit (ever so slightly). But the changes to my body weren't what made the difference to me, it was the difference in the society around me. There was much less judgement and fear and i had a lot more freedom. This gave me courage to embrace myself as i am. The changes I made were ever so slight but made a world of a difference to me. I started wearing crop tops. One of my biggest problem areas was my stomach, having the safety of clothes hiding it was a crutch i never thought i could live without, with the pressure of modesty that is usually around in Egypt gone, i was able to slowly walk with no crutches. It was a slow change, a long process. First i could only wear them with high waisted pants, have them be ever so slightly cropped, but i kept pushing myself knowing i had the space to.

After i came back from Sweden, i gained quite a bit of weight. I wasn't moving as much, wasn't cooking my own food, naturally, my body reacted. People, also did, and with them my insecurities crept back up. Idiotically, i was made aware of my weight, and i KNEW how much i gained. I went into this phase were i convinced myself i was trying to live healthier. Everyone around me was dieting and going to the gym, i don't have the patience or the self discipline for either so i started eating salad at work, or taking the stairs (and then i was forced to take the stairs because the elevator at home broke down for a couple of months). then of course like i always do, i stopped.

I've been in a really tough mental space recently and i have been eating a lot. Food is my safe space, i enjoy it. I don't have to think of the stress or the problems or my mental health, i can be lost in the taste and the indulgence that food provides.

And yes, that is not healthy, but you know what’s also not healthy, having a relationship with food like it's the enemy. Or having a relationship with your body that causes you to see your every so-called flaw. That causes you to think your belly is ugly or your thick thighs aren't sexy. That makes you look at yourself in the mirror with disgust and shame. That is NOT healthy.

As part of my "Project Love Yourself" last Easter, before i went off on vacation i bought myself a bikini. I packed my one piece, just in case i wasn't able to muster up the courage to wear it in public. I had been meaning to do this since last summer, and i finally pushed myself to, and i'm really glad I did. It makes you realize that no one around you notices your insecurities more than you do, that the time you spend criticizing your own body is a waste of space in your head that can be spent thinking about puppies or babies instead.

I'm not there yet, not completely, but I've made it far. I still cover up my stomach in pictures where i'm sitting (Seen below) . I'm still hyper aware of my stomach rolls and my arm flap. But I'm getting there. Slowly but surely!