he hasn’t been here long, just shy of a month now. but it’s already better, right ?? he’s not sure, not sold on it. despite everything, the need to feel normal outweighed the discomfort he had felt at home. at least it was familiar, his house, his friends. he wonders what they thought of him now; probably forgot, moved on. he felt that. but it was still strange, thrust into this world where there was a NAME for what had been happening to him, what he had been feeling. telepathic, astral projection, shit that was in comic books, not REAL LIFE. only there were kids around him, that had things that were far more visible. perhaps it’d be easier if he had skin that turned to stone, or was able to control fire, or something. he thinks maybe the girl next to him feels the same. after all, they basically are in a lot of the same ‘classes’ together.
“ do y--you ever wish you had one of their abuh-----bb---abilities ?? imagine runnin’ around at the speed of luh---light, must be n--nice. ”
She couldn't describe what was going through her head. She had been distracted all day. Mixing up orders, putting mustard in the ketchup bottle (again). Normally Jenna would have blamed it on baby brain, but she had been putting mustard in the ketchup bottle for years now. Becky had stopped her multiple times to ask her what was wrong and she just brushed it over her shoulder claiming it was nothing.
They were right. She was panicking. More than panicking. She couldn't help what was running through her mind. It was the appointment that was on her mind. At this point, she was 5 months along. The next day they were going to see their child. To know if they were having a son or daughter. there were a million things running through her head like a freight train. Making her want to scream.
She was used to anxiety. She had dealt with it her whole life. It was different though. Instead of questioning the world around her, she was questioning herself. Questioning if she would be a good parent. Questioning her entire life leading up to now. Even questioning her marriage, the one thing she was sure was ok.
The day couldn't go by fast enough. She got home quickly changing out of her uniform (which was starting to get a bit tight) and getting into bed. Running her hand over her stomach and the bump that had recently started forming - another thing that worried her her bump didn't begin to form as soon as it should have and was still rather small. She remembered the things she saw during Jenna's pregnancy and she didn't see them with hers.
Then again she was smaller than Jenna. In both size and stature. She didn't think that would make anything change but maybe it could. She curled up into a ball. Everything she had researched said she would show sooner rather than later. Well, it's later and she barely shows at all. Ogie said it was probably just a little small in size and thats why she wasn't getting big but it still made her nervous.
She heard the front door open and knew he'd come home and that it wouldn't be long before he'd come looking for her. She sighed pulling the covers over her head. She heard the click of the door and felt the mattress dip beside her. "You Ok? Dawn?" She smiled hearing him and she nodded. "I'm just thinking. Thats all." He nodded and got up smiling at her and beginning to change out of his work clothes and getting into bed next to her.
"How was your day?" He asked pulling her close to him. "It was fine. Mixed up a few orders." She shrugged. He nodded. "Anything else?" "No." "Ok." "Can we order pizza? I don't feel like cooking." He nodded chuckling. "Sure." She scooted closer to him wrapping her arms around him. He smiled kissing the top of her head letting his hand trail down to rest on her bump. Causing her to flinch slightly but not enough for him to notice.
They ordered the pizza about an hour later. Moving to the living room Dawn turning on the history channel and curling up under a blanket Ogie sitting down next to her with a book. She rested her head on his shoulder letting her hands brush over her baby bump. She smiled slightly temporarily letting her worries slip from her mind. There was a knock on the door signaling the pizza was there and Ogie went to get it. She wanted to but he wouldn't let her. ("You need to stay off your feet as much as possible" "I'm a waitress Ogie thats literally all I do is walk around with food.")
She sighed in defeat and went back to watching her show. Him coming back a few minutes later with pizza and breadsticks from their favorite pizza place setting it down on the coffee table. She smiled sitting up and taking a slice him sitting back down next to her with a grin. "So you excited about tomorrow." She nodded looking at the ground so that he wouldn't see the worry in her eyes. He smiled putting his arm around her. "It'll be ok Dawn." She nodded again. "Ok." A few hours later she decided to take a shower. Hoping the water and some calming music would help her nerves. It really didn't.
That’s when it started. All of her fears coming into her mind at once attacking her. Suffocating her making it physically impossible to breathe. Tears began to stream down her face and she fell to her knees sobs wracking throughout her. Lucky enough for her the walls were thin and Ogie heard her. He came in quickly turning off the water and wrapping her in a towel. She clung to him still sobbing. He rocked her back and forth carefully in an attempt to calm her.
Once she calmed down a little he led her to the bedroom sitting her down on the bed handing her her sleep shirt and a pair of underwear. She put them on and proceeded to burrow under the blankets still shaking and breathing heavy. He climbed in next to her pulling her close causing her to squirm. He kissed the top of her head gently and she whimpered.
"Dawn whats the matter?" She whimpered again. "Dawn, please. Talk to me. Thats what I'm here for. Whats bothering you?" She stirred slightly. "What if there is something wrong? I've barely had symptoms. I just barely have a bump the only real symptoms I've had are a bad back a-" "Slow down Dawn. Everythings gonna be ok." She nodded looking up at him her eyes going wide. "What if it doesn't like me??" She whispered. He laughed. "Dawn it'll like you just fine. Lulu does!" "Lulu isn't our's Ogie..."
"It's all gonna be just fine Dawn. You'll see tomorrow. It'll be just fine." She nodded. "Part of me knows that. I just- I don't know. I'm scared." He nodded. "I know Dawn. But It'll all turn out fine. Just wait until tomorrow." She nodded. "Ok..." He pulled her close and she nestled her face in the crook of his shoulder. "I just hope everything's ok..." He nodded. "It will be you'll see."
She nodded starting doze off still clinging to him. He smiled holding on to her dozing as well. The next morning they both woke up early despite the fact that they wouldn't have to leave until an hour after they usually do. Dawn was pleased to see her bump had gotten just the slightest bit bigger. 16 weeks. 10 since she found out. She hurried and got dressed while Ogie made breakfast. That was their routine. He got ready quicker than she did so he made breakfast and they ate together. Today was full of conversation and anticipation as they waited for it to be time to leave. (Of course, Dawn set an alarm so they wouldn't have to set by the clock)
When the alarm finally went off they both practically ran out the door. Getting in Ogies car pulling out of the driveway and driving quickly to the hospital and going inside. Frantically trying to find the right place. When they finally found it Ogie signed them in practically forcing Dawn to sit down to her disappointment. The doctor came and got them shortly after.
The doctor led them to a dark room with some equipment a metal table and a monitor motioning for Dawn to sit on the table before going to get the technician. The technician came and motioned for Dawn to lie down. She did what she was told laying down and pulling up her shirt nervously, squirming when the technician squirted the gel onto her stomach.
Ogie grabbed her hand smiling at her. She shut her eyes tightly as the tech pressed the receiver to her stomach. Ogie squeezed her hand smiling wide as he stared at the monitor. "Open your eyes, Dawn." Though it was hesitantly she did what she was told. Slowly she looked up at the monitor gasping at what she saw. She smiled feeling her chest heat up and her eyes watered. The tech asked if they wanted to know the gender and they both nodded quickly. The technician nodded and proceeded to check it. "Meet your new baby boy."
Her eyes went wide and he grinned squeezing her hand even tighter pulling her close. They both stared at the screen smiling.
“C - Can I just get some water?” It’s a strange sight ------ such a little child alone at a diner!! But here they are nevertheless. ( mom and dad are fighting. they don’t want to be home --- they likely won’t turn their anger at frisk without given reason, but still. it’s loud. ) They don’t have money for food, but water’s usually free, right?
Oh. Isn’t it silly that her heart lurches, catches, stalls and seizes. Isn’t is silly that the words this woman sign to her make the ancient want to kneel at her feet and beg for — something. Forgiveness, maybe. Love, maybe.
it reminded me of you.
Her eyes water and she blinks, rapid, to keep the tears at bay. it reminded me of you. Bonnie thought of her. Bonnie remembered her when she was not there. Bonnie thought of her — as though she is more than a collection of ugly memories. Like she is living thing. Like she is a person with worth and value and ———
It is easy to forget how lonely she is until she isn’t any longer.
Her fingers go to her lips; she is glad they are speaking in sign, because she’s sure her voice would choke. Despite her best efforts, the tears flow down her cheeks. Her fingers press to her lips and then fall down, palm open as though in offering — thank you.
gaze is fixated on the one before her , brows knitted inwards and palms clasped together , resting atop of the table . there’s something daring in the depth of her eyes , determination etched into her as though a storm is awaiting to pass through , the inevitable slowly coming , keeping you on your toes each day . ❝ she was a very special girl . ❞ she pauses , gaze drifting down to the photograph the one before her is so fixated with . ( reflecting on a memory . ) she has to play this carefully , use her cards well if she wants to take this anywhere . ❝ most parents aren’t too thrilled when their child stands out from a crowd in a way that could reflect badly on them —— put them through humiliation . ❞
“It’s — it’s okay, this — this happens sometimes ———”
Normally something happens to trigger it; knives near her fingers or burning on fire or hands round her throat. But sometimes it’s like this: sitting in a quiet park and perfectly happy when suddenly your heart is seizing and your lungs won’t work and you taste bile like blood like burning to death and everything hurts and hurts and you want to die but you can’t.
Or. Maybe it’s just her.
“I just —— g - gotta ——”
She tastes salt and realizes that she’s crying, ashen and trembling and crying and wishing she could forget. She tries to smile, to laugh, to MINIMIZE, but it catches and chokes in her throat, goes airless.
“It’s just ------ gotta pass, I’m --- sorry ------”
