How does Wars react if and when Time starts growing visible old man ear hair?
Step One: Abject horror. Thank Farore above that Time wasn't looking when Warriors discovered them. He cannot hide the look on his face. Warriors can't possibly say something to him about it, lest Time do something rash. Wars can't be banished from using any manner of hair removal products in the third floor bathroom. This is the only sink in the house not covered in Twilight's shaven whiskers and stained with Legend's discount hair dye! So Warriors sloooowly closes his sudoku book and scuttles out of the bed to hide in the bathroom and mentally regroup.
Step Two: Planning. Guard training, don't fail him now.
Alright, he's got his tweezers, but those might take far too long. Troublingly, it's more than just one or two hairs he discovered. And this method will hurt. Although the man can take a bullet, Wars knows he will bitch to the heavens if they're plucking individual hairs.
There's a tiny head for the electric razor in Time's drawer. What does he use this for, his nose hairs? Does he ever clean this thing?? Well, it'll be too noisy anyway, and if Time struggles Warriors might accidentally lop off a chunk of his hair.
We've got Sakon's Smoothing Serum, a depilatory cream Warriors was connived into buying from some a social media ad. It hardly worked on his legs, it's not going to stand up to the stalks on Time's ears. Into the garbage.
Then there's the pot of wax. Ohhh what Warriors wouldn't give to tie that man up with the promise of 'wax play' just to use this to tear out those abhorrent little curly ear hairs. It's not technically a lie! Warriors spends and inordinate amount of time fantasizing about the screams.
Step Three: Despair. Because there's no way Time isn't going to notice what Warriors is up to. There's also no way he would willingly submit to the necessary pains of maintaining beauty. But what is Warriors to do, then? Can he really let this stand? Will he just look the other way as those hairs get longer, coarser, curlier??? As they start to sprout leaves and photosynthesize????? Oh, he'd better stop, he is gonna have some weird dreams tonight.
Step Four: ...Okay. Okay. There's a tiny pair of cuticle scissors in one of his manicure sets. They're discreet, they're quiet, and they're the only option he has. He's good. He's in business. Warriors pockets these and makes his way as casually as he can back into the bed.
"Did you get lost in all your belongings in there?"
"I was worried I'd need to send a search party."
"Oh please, you'd be relieved to be rid of me."
Step Five: Wait. Once Time is in a deep sleep, it will be simple to just lean over and snip a few hairs (1). Start with the big ones. Will Wars be able to use his phone flashlight to see, though? Would that wake Time up? Well, it shouldn't matter. It's going to take more than a few nights to snip a couple at a time, and then to get both sides of Time's head. Warriors can wait. He exudes patient self-control, after all (2). He's got this in the bag.
(1): Time never falls asleep first.
Step Six: It's been almost an hour now. Warriors should have been asleep beneath his eye mask a while ago. But Time's nearly at the end of his book, so he's probably going to stay up a little longer. Pressing his hand against the tiny scissors in his pocket, Warriors summons his resolve. He's just going to rest his eyes while he waits. Just for a moment.
Step Seven: It's 9:15am. Warriors should have been up two hours ago. But the covers had been tucked snug around his shoulders, and the bed was so nice and warm, so he just kind of dozed off again. During the night, he dreamed about pumpkins growing out of his ears.
On the nightstand, his phone is fully charged. Next to it sits a tiny pair of cuticle scissors atop a piece of Time's stationary.
Whatever you are planning: No.
- T.
