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Mixing Business & Friendships:

“Friendship is friendship, business is business.”

It’s been wisely said that, “friendship interferes with a business relationship by keeping people from making the right business choices for the sake of the friendship.” Kind of like closing the barn door after the cow escapes, but yeah, I definitely agree...NOW. There are plenty more witty quotes that warn against the pitfalls of mixing friendships with business. So, what does my dumbass do? - I mixed a friendship with my business. Two years ago I brought a friend to work with me as an apprentice, and it blew up back in March 2021 and bit me in the arse - BIG TIME!

So, why doesn’t it work? - I ask myself rhetorically, then elbow my intuition when it says, “Told you so.”

In my personal experience, mixing friendship with business blurred the professional boundaries, and led to multiple abuses on the part of my “friend,” i.e., calling out sick for “PMS,” or other reasons that would never be acceptable if that person were NOT a “friend.” They also may not respect your authority because the person disciplining them for, let’s say, unacceptable communication, or sub-standard work, is the same person they were drinking with at the pub last weekend, or chilling on the patio for a BBQ. In a word, friends (or family) can take advantage of the relationship and feel that the rules don’t apply to them, leaving you to choose between taking care of the friendship rather than taking care of your business! I could NOT have anticipated the horrific outcome at the end of that working relationship, and it’s left me gobsmacked.

The foundations of friendships (or with a family member) and that of subordinate and superior are inherently different. How does a child act as the superior to a parent they hire to work for them? And vise versa, how does a child work for a parent without dragging their interpersonal baggage into the workplace? The same is true of a friendship. In a friendship, the continued existence of that relationship depends on whether both parties can successfully maneuver the intricacies of a friend being placed in the position of a subordinate. But, in my opinion, I think it’s RARE to truly keep your business relationship and your interpersonal relationship separate. I would venture to say it’s close to impossible. One way or the other, your friendship will bleed into the working relationship and it can spell DRAMA and betrayal in the end. Mixing interpersonal relationships with business involves a lot of compromise on the part of both persons, and if one lacks in communication skills and does not respect boundaries, it’s doomed to blow up in your face, as it did for me. Not only does it bring hardship to the business when the relationship ends, but you lose that friendship.

No matter how close the friendship, when you mix business and friendships, the primary consideration should always be what is best for the business. In a perfect world, the business should be treated as an entity separate from the friendship and that distinction needs to be laid out plainly and diligently protected! – and respected by both parties. What happens when the work relationship becomes problematic because that person is not delivering what was expected? Well, I can tell you this much: When it get’s rough, and it will, you cannot rely on the “honor system” you expect from a friend (or a close relative). To save the business, it can involve losing your friend – More especially if that friend doesn’t respect the boundaries that are inherently different in a business setting than they would be whilst slamming wine-coolers at a BBQ.

I’m sure there are plenty of examples where friends and family members have successfully maneuvered the boundaries of business and interpersonal relationships. That said, not all relationships (or people) are evolved enough to handle being placed in a position as a subordinate to their friend, so it will take careful consideration when, or if, you choose to mix the two. The most important part when mixing business and interpersonal relationships, ESPECIALLY if you are the business owner and you extend a friend an opportunity in your business, is to make sure both of you have similar expectations and values - - AND that you write it out in a contract and have both parties sign it!

Where Did I Go Wrong?: Let me recount the ways.

When my business grew to the point that I could not singularly keep up with the demand for commission inquiries, I put the intention out there in the universe that I needed a very particular person to bring on as an unpaid apprentice (with the intention of them graduating to a sub-contractor). First of all, I don’t get paid by the hour, and therefore, cannot afford to pay an hourly wage. I get paid by the pattern piece, i.e., how many pieces in any respective garment that I physically sew together. Most of the time I take a 20% non-refundable deposit to hold a reservation on my schedule, but I don’t get paid until the commission is complete and ready to ship. So it can take 4 or 5 months before I am paid in full. That meant that any candidate for an apprentice would have to possess a deep passion for costuming rather than money being the motivation. It also meant I cannot afford to pay for “student” work, so any candidate I chose would have to approach an apprenticeship with an attitude of “I’m taking classes.” Unless you take out student loans and grants, students are not compensated for attending class. The compensation as an apprentice in my studio was the opportunity to work side-by-side with someone more knowledgeable, with the expectation that eventually, when said apprentice possess the requisite skills and knowledge, that they can eventually begin to take on work as a “monitored” sub-contractor and bill the client directly for their labor.

In my. . . well. . . let’s just call it for what it was…DESPERATION…I took on an apprentice after becoming acquainted through our local Renfaire. I’d been searching for about two years, so when the opportunity presented itself, I took it as a sign from the universe. Boy was I naïve. This person joined our renfaire as a cast member in the Queen’s household (of which I was an administrator). I noted her impulsivity and propensity to be overly enthusiastic and run with an idea without seeking permission through the established chain of command, but I didn’t question how that would come in to play in our working relationship, or in a relationship of superior and subordinate. Her pattern of impulsivity and disregard for procedure wasn’t interpreted by me as the red flag it should have been. Had I been listening to my instincts rather than the desire to be able to take on more work, this pattern would have served as the warning it turned out to be. I see now in the aftermath of the implosion that took place how it should have been.

Don’t Ignore Red Flags: NOW you tell me!

In the early stages of our working association, she appeared enthusiastic – overly so, resulting in me having to rein her in and reiterate the instructions to: “slow down,” and “ask questions.” I told her if she’d never made a certain item before she needed to stop and ask first rather than blunder through and construct it the way she “thought” it might need to be done, she needed to seek guidance about the way I had established it to be done. I would, unfortunately, end up repeating that same instruction ad nauseum throughout her tenure with me. The longer she worked with me, and more especially after about a year or more when she was allowed to begin to take on work as a subcontractor (which was to be done ONLY in my studio under my supervision), she began to ignore that directive more and more. I found myself in the unique and extremely uncomfortable situation of choosing whether or not to say, “It doesn’t meet the same standards as my work, please do it again,” and feeling hesitant to discourage her or coming off as bitchy or overly perfectionistic for fear of how it would affect the friendship. I walked a fine line between necessary criticism and her over sensitivity to that kind of feedback.

I cannot tell you how MANY times when I was learning to sew at the side of my grandmother she told me, “Pick it out, Chrissie.” It was frustrating, and I would moan in complaint, but I always did it because she was never harsh in her criticism but would explain where I had made the mistake and show me how to correct it. In consequence, THIS is how I teach. I always lead with positive affirmation. But there are some personalities who are overly sensitive to any criticism and no matter how you attempt to moderate your tone, or what medium you choose to communicate, they will take it harshly. It became exhausting maneuvering around her bruised psyche. Any other supervisor would not have made the effort. See where I’m going with this?

I also had deadlines constantly looming that placed me in a predicament of letting work go out that wasn’t “perfect” but was “passing.” I HATED being placed in that situation because I am a perfectionist, and the only way to learn is to learn by making mistakes. But I didn’t have TIME for her mistakes – nor could I afford for her to continue to waste fabrics and supplies! Because of this, a pattern began to develop that became increasingly more problematic. I purposefully took on EXTRA work with the intention of sub-contracting out the labor to her, so I “needed” her help. But by virtue of the friendship, an attitude of “I’ll get it done when I get it done,” began to emerge. Now, I don’t know if that was her actual intention, but it certainly began to appear as such. When I allowed her to take hand sewing home, such as working on the edging of a pair of stays, she began to hold on to the work at home but not actually finish it. I told her that after putting in 6 to 8 hours here in my studio I did not expect her to stay up all night and finish the handwork, but if she took work home there was an expectation on my part that she would return it within a few days. Now she was only in my studio 3 to 4 days a week (at least the last year of her affiliation). While I certainly appreciated when she worked in the evenings after her job as the manager of a Super Cuts, or on the weekend, I did not expect it. But, it became an issue when her turn-around times to complete the hand sewing began to take longer, and longer, and LONGER; spanning weeks at a time!

Now, I should mention just for the sake of reference that I can hand sew the edging on a full pair of stays in about 12 hours. She had worked with me over a year before she felt comfortable enough to tackle a pair of stays. While her hand sewing was NOT as neat as mine (even at the end of the relationship), I did make some allowances for the sake of not discouraging her by picking a part her work. I continually had to check in with myself by asking: is it unacceptable because it looks different than yours, or does she have the capability of doing better? She did make progress in her hand stitching with my instruction, but there were definitely times I asked her to fix it, OR I would pick out her work and redo it. There were times I didn’t tell her, which in hindsight was a mistake on my part. Re-doing her work was NOT an efficient use of my time, nor was it conducive to her instruction, but my clients’ satisfaction is my highest priority, so you can see the conundrum I found myself.

In the end, I was trying to avoid upsetting “her” and not cause more DRAMA because she was intent on a scorched earth scenario to punish me for daring to tell her “No.” Many times I was too hesitant to say anything “in the moment,” but would later ruminate on it after the fact, and THEN a day or so later after scolding myself for being too bloody kind, I would be forced to bring it up and say, “I changed my mind,” or just fix it when she left for the day. I should mention, that if she were not a friend I would have set much stricter boundaries about quality control. So why didn’t I do that with HER? I’m still trying to figure that one out!! It all boils down to two VERY different personality types, and the fact that my communication skills and knowledge about emotional IQ was far more advanced. Rather than avail herself of my knowledge in effective communication she was the type of person who did not respond to “touchy feely shit,” as she called it. More often than not, I feared poking the bear. What would I do if I was too critical and she walked out in a huff or quit? *HEAVY SIGH* So, the problem wasn’t that I didn’t know HOW to communicate, it was how that communication would be received on any given day, or “which side” of her personality showed up that day.

The breakdown of the relationship ultimately occurred when I allowed her to take on a client’s commission for two 18th century men’s court ensembles for an event at Versailles Palace in France. She was actually doing VERY well on lining up the embroidery, and construction of the outer portion of the jackets and waistcoat pieces, UNTIL she decided that she had the RIGHT to argue with my instructions and design aesthetics. I told her, for instance, “Make sure you add a layer of stabilizer to the lining.” She balked and said, “I wasn’t planning on adding stabilizer.” Now this wasn’t a statement with a silent question mark at the end, this was an “I’m not going to do it” kind of statement. This began happening more and more and I was at a loss “in the moment” how to deal with it. I was walking a tightrope between a friend and my business, and I wasn’t putting the business first. Rather than ASK me why I felt the interlining needed to be stabilized (since it was silk) she simply made the decision to ignore my instruction and ultimately bulldozed forward with the work at her home without seeking any instruction and using ad hoc techniques when she ran into a problem she didn’t know how to deal with.

But you see, by the time things began to actively boil, I had finally put my foot down on this project and told her I had the final say in ALL design and construction and If I say “do it” she needs to do it and not argue. I mean, who does that? Who tells the owner of the business “No?” Who thinks they have the right to argue? - A FRIEND. I had 40 years of experience under my belt, 20 in historical costume, she had TWO! But you see, her ego was writing checks her abilities and knowledge could not cash, and I was becoming more and more concerned about the work piling up. COVID did a number on my business. I stayed JUST as busy, but buying basic supplies was problematic, and it put me behind by about 4 or 5 months, which is unheard of for me! I always make my deadlines. ALWAYS.

Things kind of happened quickly, like dominos. One drops and knocks over the the other and pretty soon sets off a chain reaction. THE FINAL implosion came when we ran into a situation wherein we both needed to use my sewing machine. I had stated in the beginning that ALL work done on the machine needed to be done in my studio. This was not just because she did not have a good machine at home, it was so that I could continue to oversee the quality of her work. I have a semi-pro Juki straight stitch machine that will sew through leather. In the past she had talked about one day purchasing one. Also, in passing conversation last year I mentioned that I was thinking of moving out of Washington. My daughter wants to relocate to Vermont because the cost for horse property here in WA would cost us in excess of about 2 million dollars! I mentioned that there was no set plans and that it would be 4 or 5 years if we did make that decision. I mentioned that if by then she was trained enough that I was considering letting her subcontract work at home and use Skype or Zoom for any teaching or instruction. This was just a passing conversation mind you!

So when we found ourselves both in need of using my machine one day in March, without consulting with me she took it upon herself to go out and purchase a machine exactly like mine for about $1400 if I’m not mistaken – even though you can get them much cheaper from other sources. But here’s where her long-standing pattern of impulsivity, disrespect for proper chain of command, and her lack of boundaries came into play. She showed up one Saturday afternoon while I was working in my studio and announced, “Guess what I did?” She then proceeded to inform me that she had purchased a machine of her own. Now, we had discussed this possibility in the past two years but I had stated she would need to bring her machine into the studio. Remember, all her machine work needed to be monitored for quality control. Why? While she was making progress, her work was often inconsistent. My expectation was that she would bring her machine into the studio, but SHE had other plans. I honestly believe she felt because she was doing so well on the outer construction of these 18th century coats that she was READY to solo; and in fact, that was her exact expectation. She set up her new machine at home and in the days following the purchase of her machine (before she was scheduled to appear at my studio the following Wednesday), she began construction on the coat pockets at home without my knowledge and without my guidance.

Now, for those who’ve followed me for a while you might remember that I said I’m extremely intuitive? – which is why I’m so mad at myself for not honoring my intuition and setting hard boundaries much earlier. She’s run roughshod over me for two years now, and I wasn’t having it anymore. I sent her a Marco Polo (a video message app) and I set a hard boundary as I mentioned above. I thought that this mode of communication would make it easier to say what needed to be said because both of us were spared the discomfort that usually followed when I DID speak out. So, after I set CLEAR boundaries about who was in charge, I further explained that if it was her intention to start working predominately at home and only coming into the studio when there was embroidery to do or pick up supplies (YES! I was supplying her with ALL the notions and supplies for construction!) then she needed to know that I was not in agreement with that. I told her if coming to work in my studio wasn’t working for her any longer then we would finish the work on the books, and I would cut back and only take those commissions that I could physically handle. I told her to take a couple of days to talk it over with her boyfriend and we would talk on Wednesday about what she decided.

She came in that Wednesday visibly angry and became insubordinate when I attempted to discuss her assumption that I would agree to her working at home on MY client’s commissions without first seeking my approval. She defended herself by bringing up our conversation last year about her working from home “if” i moved out of state. I told her, “Yeah, four or five years down the road!” But she had just assumed that I would be fine with her moving up that time table. She refused to listen and then proceeded to gaslight me, stating that because I had sent her a message via Marco Polo, rather than waiting until she came in on Wednesday, that our working relationship was OVER. I looked at her in shock and said, “So NOW you’re gas lighting me, turning this around to blame ME rather than accept accountability for your actions?” She then proceeded to THREATEN that if I continued to try to discuss these issues with her she was walking out. She went so far as to gather up the coat pieces and started to pack them up! I was stunned! I said, “So let me get this straight. You’d rather QUIT than admit you were wrong for making assumptions about MY business?” Needless to say, she refused to answer and scowled and pouted like a five year old!

I have to say I was actually relieved that she quit. Her attitude and her attendance had become more and more problematic. I had set a boundary with her back in January when she, once again, texted me and said “Just woke up. I feel like crap.” Now she’d complained the day before that she was having PMS (i.e., premenstrual mood swings) and would call out ONCE A MONTH for that reason. Having had a craw full of her taking advantage of our friendship in such a manner (something that wouldn’t be acceptable in any other professional setting, nor was it behavior she would tolerate from her own employees as a manager at Super Cuts), I texted her back stating: “Me too. I woke up with a migraine. Took two Aleeve and two RedBulls. Soldier on.” That was actually the beginning of the end. She was PISSED that I told her to work through her PMS like I do the chronic pain I live with on a 24/7 basis. She even admitted it. That’s when her attitude began to shift, but it was when she was allowed to work on the 18th century ensembles that she became more increasingly uncooperative and argumentative. There’s a saying in the south that describes that behavior: She got too big for her britches.

She didn’t stay long that Wednesday, and no-showed for her scheduled workday the following day, and the day after, without so much as a courtesy text or a Marco Polo - which was also a long-standing issue! During those two days after she bought her machine and set up her sewing room at her home, she took it upon herself to sew the pocket bags into the coats without my permission and installed them incorrectly! She had one a full ½ inch off from the other. This was the SECOND time she’d made that same exact mistake! Rather than measure carefully and line them up exactly using a tape measure and a ruler, she eyeballed them and messed it up. We had to hide this mistake beneath the pocket flap! These ensembles were going to be worn and photographed at Versailles Palace! Half-assing construction like that horrified me! Now, she’d already installed the pocket bags, which meant the outer coat where the pocket “slit” was installed had been CUT. The only recourse to correcting her mistake would have been to buy more fabric and start over! But now there wasn’t time for that! It took four months for her to embroider those coats because she only comes in three days a week and our relationship had now melted down.

Not only did she mess up the pockets, because she was too busy behaving like a petulant, rebellious child and refused to seek my advice, she ran across a problem she didn’t know how to deal with and she “added” embroidery floss to the underside of the buttonholes because she had ignored my advice to stabilize the lining, and she said the fabric was too flimsy around the buttonholes! It was a spiderweb looking mess!!! Yes, it was in the inside, but had she LISTENED to me initially or asked me what to do I could have offered her a better alternative. Once again, I was placed in the position that I had to consider my deadlines and make a decision if the work was “passable” or if I needed to step in and fix it. Initially I said nothing because the tension between us was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I ruminated on it for a day, then ultimately decided I was FINISHED allowing her to bully me and told her I needed her to bring back the ensembles so that I could inspect them further, because I wasn’t happy with her workmanship. She REFUSED. She said, “you had plenty of time to inspect them previously,” and then proceeded to hold the client’s property hostage and tried to extort the client and me! She demanded she be given the client’s billing information before she would return the ensembles for me to “fix.” She knew more than likely she was going to be held liable for her shoddy work, in fact I told her that I would be deducting my labor from what was owed. I was angry but I tried to be reasonable.

The client agreed to release his billing info if she would agree to return his property to me immediately. I offered to write it on a piece of paper and make the exchange with a neutral third party. She refused all fair and reasonable offers, and stated, “I guess we’re at a standoff.” For two weeks I spent searching for an attorney, but ultimately was told that because there was no contract there wasn’t a great deal I could do. On the flip side, neither could she! Not real comforting when your client’s property is being held hostage and the clock is ticking. She was counting on that! She knew there was a short deadline and that their event in France was fast approaching.

After two weeks wherein she had made no effort whatsoever to cooperate and refused to respond to my texts, the client and I put our heads together and we decided that perhaps she might be more reasonable if HE texted her and in essence sent her a demand letter. She kept demanding his PayPal ID in order to bill him for the work, and we agreed. I wasn’t exactly thrilled with giving in to her extortion, but at the time we had no choice – which she was ultimately counting on. I pause in this telling to state how devastated I was by her vicious 180 degree reversal wherein she turned against me! I was stunned by the depths of her vitriol and the pettiness of her retaliation – simply for having set boundaries with her!

But you see, Karma has a way of sorting things out. Due to COVID my clients received word that their event was postponed, so she had lost her leverage. About the same time as the client received that notice from Versailles, I was made aware of a situation she had created with another client! At the end of 2019, she took on a commission for a mutual friend at our faire to make him a doublet, hat, and shirt. She begged me to allow her to take the lead on that project and I wanted to see what she was capable of producing. So, I stepped back and let her make design decisions and color combination of black with silver embroidery (which the client ultimately wasn’t happy with). She spent the next year or more doing multiple revisions, even starting over with four different sets of sleeves as well as the torso of the doublet, because she didn’t have the knowledge to do a proper fitting. Every time I tried to intervene, she would snap at me. Ultimately, I was in the dark about the client’s dissatisfaction. To put a finer point on it, she actually didn’t allow the client to try on the garment after each revision. He lived close to her so she would just drop it off on her way home, and when I would ask her if she took pictures so I could judge the fit, she lied and said she forgot to take them, and stated the client was happy! He was NOT happy.

In the meantime, after multiple revisions and the garment still didn’t fit, she lied to him and stated, “Christine says it’s as good as it’s going to get,” and essentially abandoned the client who had spent $1100 for a doublet, shirt and hat that DID NOT FIT! In what reality would I ever tell a client that? NONE! So, I offered to make it right for him, and stated I would remake the entire order at my expense. Look, I’ve spent enough time in customer service training to know that statistically speaking one unhappy client will tell TEN other people about their experience, and indeed, unbeknownst to me it was already being whispered about that I had authorized the crap she had produced, so I had to do some quick talking and negotiating because my reputation was on the line! I knew damn well at this stage I would never recover the damages, but I invoiced her anyway for the $1200 (I had to buy fabric @ $30 a yard and other notions).

So, after the “Versailles” client texted her and gave her his PayPal ID, rather than honor her agreement to return the ensembles to me, she raised her demands! She was now demanding that she be allowed for the payment to go through BEFORE she returned the client’s property to me! Regardless of how angry I was, I was still offering to allow her to at least bill for half of her labor, after informing her that the client’s event in France had been postponed for a year. I informed her about the damage I incurred in the interim from the client she had abandoned and told her I would be deducting the $1200 from any outstanding balances she was to bill the clients. Just like all the other fair and reasonable attempts to garner a response, she ignored me.

The client and I let another 24 hours pass, and when she failed to respond, I then wrote and informed her that we decided to cut our losses, that she had over played her hand, and that rather than try to negotiate any further with an extortionist, I would be remaking the client’s 18th Century ensembles and she could keep those she had made - and get NOTHING. I should have felt some kind of vindication over that turn of events, but now I had to set aside 6 months out of my schedule to clean up her mess rather than taking new clients who had contacted me. Let me be clear. I happily made the offer to remake these three commissions, it’s just damned frustrating that it is going to take me a FULL year to recover. Not only did I have to refund one client on my books and cancel the order, but I had to contact ALL 20 clients on my books and explain that I am having to spread out work meant for two people over the next several months, and now half my 2022 schedule is full! - Which means I will have to turn away work!

I’m frustrated yes, but I’m stunned by her callousness and the realization that she was never the person I esteemed her to be. No true friend would have turned on me the way she did and scorched the earth to try to hurt me and my business. And for what? Because she didn’t get her way? So in the end, I not only lost a friend, but I’ve also lost in excess of about $1652 in damages all because I mixed friendship with business.

Don’t be Afraid to Establish or Re-establish Boundaries and Expectations:

It’s not fair to you, nor is it ultimately fair to the friend you bring into your business, not to set strict boundaries up front and revisit them often. Now, I DID have a contract I had drawn up and she did review it, but I relied on my expectation of her trustworthiness rather than my intuition BECAUSE she was my friend. I feared offending her. Surely, she wouldn’t abuse my trust? – She’s my friend! If you can’t trust your friends, who CAN you trust? – Right? WRONG!

If I had it to do over again, I would have had her sign the contract EVEN if she were offended. If she had become offended that would have been a HUGE red flag! I also would have held evaluations a minimum of four times a year wherein I sat down and reviewed her performance with her and communicate where I saw she needed improvement, as well as where I saw she had made progress and I would have put it in WRITING. I would have also insisted she keep a journal of the techniques I taught her. Instead, I kept a running dialog with her with the expectation she would remember and follow them.

In the end I take responsibility for not setting hard and fast boundaries and establishing my position as “the buck stops with me.” Looking back I would make her accountable for every mistake she made.

So, take heed of this precautionary tale. Business and interpersonal relationships do NOT mix. What’s the lesson you might ask? Well, clearly I need to bone up on my self-assertion skills for women, but I will never, EVER take on another apprentice let alone someone who is a friend. This means that my availability will be less, and I will have to go back to being booked out a year in advance. But flying solo is the only way to ensure my clients commissions are of the highest quality.

In the end I think John D. Rockefeller has the right of it: “A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on a friendship.” I have made “friendships” from clients. They’ve become CLOSE friends as a matter of fact. All of these relationships have worked out with the exception of ONE. I wrote about it here on my blog over a year ago (”When it all goes South”). But bringing friends into your business from my experience is just a recipe for disappointment and will result in the death of that friendship.

Lesson learned universe.