Where Wolf?
( "Werewolf" by San Diego Shooter is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0. )
You don't think this should be that difficult, but apparently it is. All you want—you tell people as you travel the globe—is to find a werewolf, capture it, prove its existence and amaze the world. You don't know why people find this so confusing. It shouldn't be that difficult to understand. You're looking for a person who, every full moon, turns into a giant wolf beast that tears across the countryside, causing mayhem and generally wrecking up the place. You don't even need a specific werewolf. Any werewolf, really, would be enough. But no. Every time—EVERY EVERY.SINGLE.TIME—you think maybe this is it, you've finally found a werewolf, you find, no, it's not, and whoever gave you whatever lead you followed, once again, didn't understand you.
The first time you think, okay, maybe you weren't being clear enough. That was the time you were in northern England, Durham County to be precise, tracking the werewolf by the river bank, right where the villagers had said it would be. In the light of the full moon, you set a snare and place inside it a big, juicy steak. Before long, you hear it spring and your heart soars. But what you find is not some nine foot tall shag carpet of death, but a regular wolf, struggling in your trap. The villagers cheer and say you did it, you caught the werewolf! You say you didn't, that's just a regular wolf, but the villagers point out it was right by the banks of the River Were. Therefore: Were Wolf. Later on, biologists are amazed that wolves are still around northern England, as everyone thought they'd been extinct since about the 18th century. The discovery of these wild wolves, after all this time, well it's practically a miracle. But you don't care. It's not the werewolf you were thinking of.
The second time you decide to be much more specific in what it was you were seeking. This time you're in a mall, one of the last in America, and you tell passersby that you've heard there's a giant wolf man in this area—not a regular wolf, you continually stress—and ask whether they've seen anything like that here. For the first few hours, you find nothing, no one having seen anything unusual save the presence of a thriving mall in an area with very little population density. This is likely because it is daytime. But eventually night falls and the moon rises. Now you ask and people say, yes, it's at the other end of the mall and you need to hurry! You run, pushing through the inexplicably dense crowds and even knocking over a few senior citizens, to find there is indeed a giant wolf man. It's no costume or robot, it's the real deal. The beast stands nine feet tall, with glowing red eyes and razor sharp teeth and it has all sorts of deals and discounts for YOU! Only the Warewolf, you find out, offers quality appliances and home goods for affordable prices but only on a full moon. Otherwise, you find, he is a mild mannered insurance adjuster. Despite going home with a new microwave, which cost only half what it does at other stores, you are not impressed. You were not looking for a wolf creature hawking wares. You were looking for a werewolf. How hard is this to understand?
( "WOLF MAN, THE - Promo - 1195-29AD - Lon Chaney - (Monster) - 1941 - Cropped for eyes" by monstersforsale is marked with Public Domain Mark 1.0. ) The third time you think, okay, you're going to be VERY clear. You hold a picture of celebrated 1940s actor Lon Chaney Jr. in perhaps his most famous role The Wolf Man, then ask: have you seen a werewolf? People's eyes flash with recognition and say they have indeed seen someone like that before: in Paris! So, to the City of Lights you go, where you get closer and closer to your target. A woman leaning against a doorframe smoking a cigarette says yes, yes, she has seen this, how you say, wolf person. She gestures in the air with her Gauloise and says it can be found at the Avenue Montaigne. You ride there on a small scooter, your black and white striped scarf fluttering behind you. By the time you reach your destination, there is already quite a scene. You push your way through the dense crowd of onlookers to see what everyone is gawking at. It's a wolf person who highly resembles Lon Chaney Jr. except much bigger. And they are wearing an an over-the-shoulder Lanvin piece with Louis Vuitton shoes, a Givenchy bag, and a Hermes leather jacket. The wolf wears it all with style so intense it intimidates you immediately. You find yourself unable to appreciate the outfit fully.
Similar sets of circumstances lead to the wolf who doubles as a low-headed dam that can regulate river flow and elevation (the weir wolf); the wolf who is, in actuality, ten wolves linked together in a psychic hive mind (the we're wolf); the wolf that makes quite a bit of pocket money selling Tupperware (the 'Ware wolf, though this one you feel is kind of a stretch), and the wolf that exists in the form of software specifically related to wolves (wolfware).
The world is, quite frankly, amazed at all your discoveries. But you're not. You never found what you were looking for. The werewolf, the real actual true werewolf, continues to elude you. You feel more and more lost by the day.
And then, during a full moon, you find yourself transformed. Your hair grows, your flesh stretches and warps, and your teeth grow into sharp knife-like fangs. But you're still completely lost. With growing horror you realize that so many days of asking where is this wolf, where do I find this wolf, where do I capture this wolf has turned you into something else. Something inhuman. Something that's still not a werewolf. No. You realize, as you wander around, no idea where you're going, you are now... The Wherewolf.
( "Wolf's Moon" by Anindo Ghosh is licensed under CC BY 2.0. )
