Aasim, when did you first notice your interest in fire? What is so appealing of it to you?
It’s not something he thinks much about anymore. At least, he tries his best not to. Old habits die hard, he supposes, though it wasn’t like any of it had mattered much in the end. His time in ‘rehabilitation’ for all that it’s worth, hadn’t really made a difference with the way the world is like now. Hell, he figures knowledge in fire-setting was more likely to be useful nowadays if anything, even if he no longer actively partakes in doing it. He shrugs, idly picking at a stray hole his tattered sleeve as he recalls the memories to the best of his ability.
“I was… six years old? Maybe seven. Mom left a lighter laying around, and well - I was always a curious kid. Still am, I guess. I picked it up, and just… started playing with it. I knew it was dangerous, I knew mom would absolutely kill me if she caught me with it - I mean, if she was actually ever around long enough TO catch me - but there was… something about it. It fascinated me, even if I never really knew why. Even now, I still don’t fully understand what had started that initial curiosity.
“And it just sorta… spiraled from there? I’d taken the lighter and hid it in my room, swore up and down that I hadn’t seen it when mom finally noticed it was missing. Whenever I was alone - or more specifically, whenever I’d feel angry or upset, I’d find myself just messing around with it. Flicking it on and off, over and over for who knows how long, watching how it flickered and crackled, hovering my hand above the flame just to feel the heat. Even as a child, I knew it wasn’t, y’know - ‘normal’. But, I didn’t care. It felt… good, somehow. Satisfying. I could literally FEEL all my emotions mellowing out whenever I played with that lighter. Which was… a pretty big deal for me…
“That lighter became a coping mechanism, the only thing I could turn to in dealing with any kind of stress or anxiety. I guess I could go into all the psychological shit that was thrown at me after I got sent here that’d explain it in more literal terms, but to me, it was just… comforting. An escape from everything bad in my life, so much that it wasn’t long before I was totally obsessed with anything to do with fire. The OCD probably didn’t help.
“But of course, what started as mostly harmless curiosity had turned to actual fire-setting pretty quick, and… that was SO much better than just watching the flame from the lighter. It was gratifying, in a way, to watch something burn and know that I was in control of it. That probably sounds kinda morbid, but… I couldn’t control anything else in my life, y’know? At least I had that. It was the greatest stress reliever in the world, and as home life got shittier, the more shit I burned. And I loved it.
“Not to mention that it felt, like - great to be rebelling against my mother - y’know, all things considered regarding her. Even if she didn’t actually know I was doing it for the longest time, I indulged in knowing I was misbehaving like that behind her back, and that while she was away, there was not a damn thing she could do about it. I think that might have been the best thing about it all. But overall, fire was just… my emotional crutch, I guess. Sure, there were definitely way better things to relieve stress and all that, but… that was MY thing.”
He breaks off from his rather lengthy ramble with a deep sigh, chewing the inside of his cheek as he mulls over everything in his head. The confession surprises even himself when it comes. “I… I think I miss it sometimes…”