Scarlet Swan: The Hunt Is On, Where’s My Horn? (1.13)
Kai spent the early hours of Saturday morning watching and reading updates on the homicide of Tom Baker on every news outlet, trying to convince herself that she was wrong. She told herself that because he was a criminal, he was likely killed by another criminal later in the day. She told herself that there was no way that Caedmon could have done it, that he would never have killed someone, that she was just being paranoid, she was just letting her anxiety control her.
And she was almost successful. Around 5 am she had nearly done it, so she went to the gym to get a workout in to make up for the one she missed the night before. But as she got into her cardio, the sound of her heartbeat in her ears brought back every moment of anxiety she had felt around Caedmon, and the wrenching in her stomach was so painful that she had to stop. So she returned to her room and sat up on her laptop, satisfying her curiosity by researching Caedmon Hunter and his past. She spent the entire day delving into news archives for articles about his family, munching on Red Vines, baby carrots, and Spaghettio’s. Her phone had gone off a couple of times, and so she finally checked it at 8:30 pm when she realized what time it was.
Chantelle: Hey where are you?
I’ve just been doing homework. Sorry, Kai replied.
Sawyer: I haven’t seen you all day. Are you okay? I’d love to talk if you get a chance.
Kai knew she couldn’t tell him the truth, but she didn’t want to lie to him, even a little white lie. So she evaded the subject, texting back, Do you want to go to church tomorrow?
She was coldly collected now that she had information to work with and questions that she could find answers to, so she went back to the gym. In the two hours she was there, she pondered and processed her new information, deciding three things. First, Caedmon was not a danger to her. Second, if he killed Baker, Caedmon needed to find justice. Third, she might be able to ensure that if she continued working for him and behaving as if she didn’t suspect anything of him. For the first time in months, her fear wasn’t a factor. She was aware of the severity of the situation, but she didn’t care because she knew that she needed answers. She had developed a child-like fascination, a morbid curiosity about Caedmon. She knew that it was very unwise to continue down this path, which was why she also decided that she would not tell anyone about it.
When she returned to her room, she placed all of the information that she had gathered about Caedmon, his family, and Tom Baker’s murder on a flash-drive, which she planned to hide carefully. She developed a timeline of his life, beginning at age three when his mother was murdered in a home invasion that he was a witness to. Following that tragedy, Caedmon lost fifteen close family members, was placed under the custody of ten different legal guardians, and went through over fifty staff members before reaching the age of twenty-five. At that point, Caedmon began the lifestyle that he maintained now, at twenty-eight, in which he, for the most part, operated as a recluse, filtering his interactions through an estate manager and an iron-clad team of lawyers.
Her schooling had taught her that in the early ages, up until about seven, children have difficulty comprehending thoughts, feelings, and experiences outside of their own, thus struggling with empathy, and living in an entirely self-centered reality. If a person were to suffer a severe trauma during that time, they might find themselves suspended in that reality until they properly processed the traumatic event. When she thought of Caedmon’s interactions with people, his literary interests, and the way he conducted conversations with her, she realized that he likely suffered from this affect as a result of the multiple traumas he experienced during this developmental stage. She concluded that his isolation stemmed from his inability to connect to other people unless he could control the interactions, making it so that the only people he was comfortable with were those he paid to fulfill specific needs. That also explained the high rate of turnover in his staff, because it was likely that if an employee did not provide exactly what Caedmon wanted from them, he would replace them. She realized that his alleged violent behavior was then a response to having a need not fulfilled, or having the provision of that need threatened, much like a child throws temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want or when something that provides what they want is no longer available to them. This indicated to her that she needed to be extremely compliant with Caedmon, providing the companionship, care, and controlled connection to the outside world he had come to depend on her for, for her own safety until she could get all of her questions answered.
She began typing her questions out in a document in this sealed file: Why would Caedmon kill Tom Baker? Was Baker Caedmon’s first victim? How many others? Did he kill any of his family members? Does he have a MO? Did Baker’s death deviate from it? Will he kill again?
She stopped herself before going too far down the rabbit hole. It was almost midnight when she decided to go to bed, knowing that she needed to rest before attempting to behave normally the next day with Sawyer and the others. She slept for a few hours, but woke at 4:28 am, and laid there, alone with her thoughts and the sound of morning until she finally decided to take a shower and get ready.
She stopped again in front of the mirror on her way to breakfast, slipping a long necklace over her head. She observed herself, her long auburn curls, her muscular, freckled arms, her bluntly defined clavicle, her blushing cheekbones, her ambiguous green-grey irises. She thought of how she would soften her brow and maintain eye contact while observing her subject, how she would keep her lips relaxed and upturned at the edges as she omitted her true course, how she would open her palms and lay them gently across her forearms as she obeyed his wishes, how she would maintain the light, airy twang of her voice as she spoke softly, kindly, but carefully to him.
Then she jolted herself back into the present, into today, during which she only had to go to breakfast, church, complete a few assignments, and keep her conversations with Chantelle and Lydia focused on them in order to make it through. She rushed down to the cafeteria to meet Sawyer, hoping that he wouldn’t be upset about how distant she was the day before and that he wouldn’t pick up on what was wrong with her.
His bright smile ate away at her as she sat with him. “Good morning, gorgeous. I missed you yesterday,” he reached forward and brushed a strand of hair out of her face as he spoke, “what are you doing after church?” “Probably just some homework, and then I’ll hang out with Lydia and Chantelle when Lydia gets back this evening.” “Will I see you at the gym tonight, then?” “Definitely.” “Great.” They were interrupted by Cole and Gabriel, but Kai was grateful, because they spent the rest of the meal talking at length about the team and the upcoming season of basketball, freeing her from the impending darkness in her mind.
After church, she returned to her room and forced her brain to focus on homework, feeling twice as productive as usual. The whole week’s assignments were completed, as well as a few from the next week, before Chantelle and Lydia came tumbling and chattering into the room.
She listened intently to the rise and fall of their voices, watched their swirling hands, doing her best to empathize with their frustrations, worries, amusement. She laughed along with them, smiled in response to their shining teeth, traded jokes and observations. She packed away her suspicions and questions in a little box in the back of her mind, fighting to stay present in the moment.
Her phoned dinged with a text from Sawyer that read: I’m heading to the gym now. I’ll see you there?
“Hey, I’m going to go to the gym. Do either of you want to come with me?” They shook their heads. She began changing as Lydia asked, “So what is going on with Sawyer? What’s your status?” “Honestly, I don’t know. I’m trying not to push; you know?” “What do you want to be?” Kai blushed, shrugged, and laced up her running shoes. “Uh huh. Okay. Well, the boy obviously adores you, so you don’t have much to worry about.” Kai smiled, “I’ll see you in a bit,” she said as she left.
Sawyer was in the weight room when she walked in, so she waved on her way to the elliptical. After she completed her three miles, she worked her upper body for half an hour before growing tired. She used the restroom in the locker rooms, and found Sawyer waiting by the door when she returned. “Can I walk you to your building?” He asked. She nodded.
They had almost reached her dorm when he finally gathered the nerve and said, “So what I wanted to talk to you about yesterday was us.” She slowed down, asking, “What about us?” “Do you remember two weeks ago when I said that I wanted to take it slow and gain your trust?” “Yes.” “Well, I still want to do that, for multiple reasons, but I don’t want it to seem like I’m moving slowly because I’m playing the field, or because I can’t commit. So I wanted to tell you that you’re the only person I’m seeing or talking intentionally with, and it’s going to stay that way. But I’m not in a hurry in terms of our relationship. I am heavily committed to you as a person, and I truly care for you, but we both recently got out of very serious relationships, and I would like to avoid making the same mistakes with you that I have made with others. I hope that you can understand and accept that.” She stopped in front of her door, removing the hair band from her hair to keep her hands occupied. “Thank you for communicating that, but I wasn’t worried. And I agree, that seems like the wisest course to take.”
He chuckled as he rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re amazing, did you know that?” She smiled, “it’s nice to be told.” For just a minute, she felt light and happy again. She still couldn’t comprehend how so few words from someone she had known for so little time could shift her heart and mind so completely. “I’ll be honest, though, I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out. Especially with you looking at me like that.” “Like what?” “Like you do. With your eyes shining and your hair falling back, a little messy, but perfect, with your head tilted up and your little smile, like you’re both a million miles away and closer than my skin at the same time. You look right into me and right through me all at once. How do you even do that?” He ran a hand through her hair as he spoke. She looked down at her hands and then back up, doing her best to maintain a semblance of composure. “You’d better go upstairs, Kai Dinwiddie. My heart can’t take another second of this.” She stood on her toes and quickly kissed him before escaping up the stairs. “Good night, gorgeous,” he called after her.