Scarlet Swan: Is This Moving On, Or Up? (1.12)
“I wish he would stop ‘surprising’ me, it makes it hard to pick clothes.” Kai said discontentedly as she sulked in front of her closet. “Are you really complaining right now?” Chantelle asked as Lydia threw a stuffed puppy at Kai. “Hey, you could be going on dates if you wanted.” Kai replied. Lydia nodded silently. “What? Do you mean Gabe? Guys, really, I don’t see him that way.” “But why?” Lydia asked. “Well, okay, I’m gonna be honest and it can’t leave this room, okay?” they both nodded, so Chantelle continued, “I know that he’s hot and everyone loves him, but he led a lifestyle that I’m not sure I can reconcile with. He’s done some things that I’m not sure I can deal with in a relationship. Does that make sense?” “It does, but that’s in the past, Chantelle.” “What if it’s not?” Lydia leaned in and asked, “Are you sure this doesn’t have more to do with Charlie?” “I don’t want to talk about him,” Chantelle said dismissively. “I don’t blame you, he’s been a real idiot. But do you still have feelings for him?”
Chantelle got up and closed the door to the room before saying, “I don’t know. My heart is afraid and confused, because sometimes he acts like he likes me, and other times he rejects me. Even if it’s because he’s confused and growing instead of that he’s being an asshole, that’s still a crappy position to put my heart in, because I need consistency.” “And if he started being consistent?” “I don’t know,” she said quietly as she sat down. Kai closed the closet door in frustration. “I’m just gonna go naked.” “I would strongly advise against that,” Lydia laughed, “why don’t you look in my closet?”
“So Lydia, are you finally going to update us on what’s going on in your little love triangle?” “It’s not a love triangle.” Kai flashed her a ‘bullshit’ look as she browsed Lydia’s closet. “Really? Let’s see, Lydia is friends with Nico and Luke, who are best friends, but who both like Lydia, which we know, because Nico has asked Lydia out like, six times, and Luke flirts relentlessly with Lydia and gets pouty every time Lydia goes anywhere with Nico. Totally. Totally not a love triangle.” Kai’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “Okay, no, Nico didn’t ask me out on any dates, just to go places as friends.” “Did he say as friends, or is that how it looked because there were other people around? Because, I’m sorry, three movie premiers with three different groups of people, and the two times he invited you to Dave and Busters to hang out with a group of friends, and the one time he asked to go to Disneyland with you and your siblings, those all sound like dates. Especially because the times you went to the movies and Dave and Busters, he was the only person there that you knew,” Chantelle edged in enthusiastically.
“And you can’t tell us that Luke doesn’t flirt with you, because he texts you every couple of days, always greets you as ‘sweetie,’ or ‘beautiful,’ and he is always finding excuses to touch you at work. And you can’t say that he doesn’t pout, because I’ve seen it with my own eyes. After you went to see Star Wars with Nico, Luke didn’t talk to you for three days. And when he finally did he was flirty as ever.” Kai said as she pulled a flowy burgundy dress out of Lydia’s closet. “If either of them really liked me, they would say something,” Lydia’s pitch rose. “Not necessarily, not if they thought that you didn’t like them. Also, if they both like you, then it could be a situation in which they’ve agreed not to make a move, or are trying to respect each other, and are waiting for you to choose.” Lydia shook her head, “that’s stupid.” Kai and Chantelle both laughed. “That’s relationships in general, babe.” Chantelle said, rubbing Lydia’s back.
“Maybe I should wear pants, though.” Kai blurted out. “Well, considering that the last surprise involved outdoor activities, you might consider it. Oh, you should wear your mint top, you know the one with the dark orchids on it, with your light wash Levis and your eggplant-colored pumps.” Kai’s face lit up, “Yes! Perfect. Okay, hair up or down?” “If you wear it down, you’ll just end up putting it up halfway through, be realistic.” “You’re right. Can you check the weather on my laptop? Just pull up the news livestream.” Lydia complied.
“Sunset will be at 7:23 today, and we can expect warm temperatures through the night in all inland locations, with increasing humidity as monsoons roll in from the south. Back to you, Greg, with the news.” Kai closed the laptop as she crossed to her desk in search of chap-stick. “Definitely putting my hair up if it’s going to be humid,” she turned around, leaning against the desk, “this feels a little strange, you know? Like, just eight months ago I was falling out of love with Tyler, just a year ago I thought I was going to marry Tyler, just two years ago I was falling in love with Tyler, and whatever this is with Sawyer feels completely different than any of that. It’s strange to me that someone I’ve only really been talking with for two weeks can stir up so much. Last semester, when I first started to notice him as more than just the annoying opinionated guy in class, I started seeing him everywhere. And I wasn’t sure if it was just because I was more aware of him because I was single, or if it was because he was actually around more. And it got to the point where I couldn’t call it a coincidence anymore that he was in the cafeteria at the same time as me at the table that I would have chosen every meal, or that he was at the gym at the same time as me, or that he hung around outside with his friends consistently during the time I would go out to study, or that he managed to go for walks late on Sunday nights at the same time on the same route as me, or that he frequented the same stores and restaurants as me.”
“I remember. It made you mad and you thought he was a creep at first.” Kai smiled, “and after a while, I just wanted to know him, on a real level, I just wanted him to be brave enough to talk to me, and to know definitively how he felt and if he was thinking about me too, if he noticed it too. And now, I have a hard time imagining not knowing him, not talking to him every day, but I wonder if it might be moving a little too fast. Maybe we aren’t giving our lives and our friends and our minds enough time to catch up with our hearts.”
“Kai, let’s get real for a minute. Your life is always gonna be crazy. You’re a more than full time student, you work two jobs, and you have a social life, some days. He’s a full time student and he plays college basketball. If you wait for your lives to catch up, you might end up missing everything worthwhile. And as for your friends, people who genuinely care about you and want what’s best for you might have a little trouble adjusting, but they should be able to see what you see in him. And if they don’t, and listen carefully to this, that’s not your problem. And as for your mind…” Chantelle’s voice grew softer, “you have a tendency to try to rationalize everything and find a place where everything makes perfect quantifiable sense. Not only does that get in the way of your art, so say that sketchbook full of half-done drawings, your notebook full of unfinished poems, and your paints that you haven’t touched in months. It also gets in the way of you allowing people into your heart. You can choose to find all of the logical reasons to push him away, but you know it won’t work, because you like him, and you have for a long time. Just because it doesn’t look and feel the same as the last time you fell in love doesn’t mean it’s wrong. In fact, it could mean that it’s right for once.”
“What she said.” Lydia smirked. “Fine!” Kai replied, smiling. “Wait, why aren’t you at work?” “I’m working a later shift. I actually have to leave in a few minutes.” “Oh, it’s almost five already.” “Shit, then I have to leave now. I lost track of time. See you guys Sunday night,” Lydia exclaimed as she rushed out of the door. “She’s unfairly adorable.” “So are you, pretty girl,” Kai said as Chantelle rolled her umber eyes.
They sat in Kai and Lydia’s room for another hour, discussing Chantelle’s feelings about Charlie and where she saw that relationship going. As she soaked in Chantelle’s partially internal dialogue, Kai idly took notice her dorm room. The carpets were dark, likely to hide any stains left by residents over the years. The walls were a stunning white, made even more glaring by the bright florescent lights, but that evening, as was usual for most days, the overhead light was off and the large windows were open, letting in the fading summer sunlight, which, combined with the tiny lanterns strung around the room, gave it a golden glow. Kai and Lydia brightened and personalized their room by adding a bright red throw rug, a crisp white rocking chair, and various paintings, drawings, and fan art by Lydia on the walls, juxtaposed by the play posters and cast photos from productions Kai had been in and the nature photography that Kai had departed from of late. The large mirrored doors of their closets were covered in doodles in dry-erase markers, and an entire six-foot segment of one of their walls was dominated by their shoe racks, filled up with heels, flats, sandals, boots, and converse for every occasion. Their large mahogany bookcase was full of textbooks, scripts, dictionaries, atlas’s and works of fiction. Kai had transformed the bottom bunk of their bed into a cave using black-out curtains and colored Christmas lights, in stark contrast to Lydia’s colorful bunk, covered in stuffed animals and throw pillows. They had made careful use of the small space, not that either of them spent very much time in it.
Kai wasn’t sure how it was possible to feel at home in a dorm room, but she did in this one. Maybe it had something to do with the people she shared it with. Her bond with Lydia was nearly sisterly, to the point where they could be on the same page without speaking, and they ended each night by talking about everything and nothing in their bunks before drifting off to sleep. And Chantelle was one of the best friends Kai had ever had. The three of them were very different and yet very similar, and it seemed that the more that went wrong in their world, the better they worked together. Not many people knew Kai as well as these two, and even though it scared her, she knew that there was no way she could take on her life with strength and grace were it not for them to lend it to her. She found herself wondering if Sawyer had that with Cole and Gabriel.
“What are you thinking about?” Chantelle asked. “Nothing,” Kai replied as she checked her phone, “it’s almost six, do you want to get food?” Chantelle enthusiastically nodded, so they headed down to the cafeteria. They were just reaching the line when the basketball team got out of practice, forming a train of staggeringly tall, tired, somewhat aloof men from the gymnasium to the cafeteria. Sawyer, Cole, and Gabriel approached the two girls together. “Hey, where’s Porthos?” Cole asked, grinning at himself. “What?” Chantelle asked, sounding as confused as Gabriel looked. “The Three Musketeers. She works on the weekends, Moe.” Kai replied. Now it was Cole who was confused. “From ‘The Three Stooges’.” Sawyer laughed, “Kai, do you want to just eat dinner here, and then after I’ll shower and change and we can go?” She nodded. Gabriel was staring after Chantelle like a dog begging for table scraps while she explained to Cole why he had to be Moe. “How’s your day been?” Sawyer quietly asked, leaning in to Kai. “Fine. After lunch I spent most of it up in my room with the girls talking.” “Yeah, what about?” “Mmmm would you hate me if I said you?” “Only if you were talking negatively about me.” “Of course, what else is there to do?” Kai said mockingly. “Stop it.” “Stop what?” she asked antagonistically. “You’re doing that thing that you do when you’re making fun of me where you smile and bite your lip. Stop it.” “I do not do that.” Just then, Chantelle leaned back to say, “yes, you do. And it’s a problem.” Kai rolled her eyes as the line moved forward.
“What else did you ladies talk about?” He asked, smiling widely. “Other boys.” “Oh, do you have many?” “Not mine, goof. Theirs.” “Oh, I bet they have a lot.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Chantelle turned around this time, on the verge of being offended. Sawyer looked like a deer caught in the headlights for a second, “Just that you are both very nice, and attractive and fun to be around, so I’m sure a lot of guys like you,” he glanced down at Kai, “was that okay to say?” Kai simply laughed. Chantelle smiled awkwardly, deliberately not looking in Gabriel’s direction as Cole watched her carefully.
During dinner, Gabriel asked Chantelle so many questions about her art that for once she actually got tired of talking about it, while Cole observed their dynamic and Sawyer and Kai listened with great interest. The group had become high-profile, drawing the attention of multiple cliques on campus. The artsy students were wondering why Chantelle and Kai were with the jocks, the sporty students were wondering the same of Sawyer, Gabriel, and Cole, while the psych majors were observing their peers and the various people that they all had built friendships with outside of the normal social cliques watched how Sawyer and Kai processed Brett’s death. Kai wasn’t sure how to respond to the attention, because she had for the most part faded into the background up until this point.
After dinner, they parted ways and Kai changed clothes before meeting Sawyer at her car. He had changed into dark blue jeans and an azure button-down, and was leaning against the front grill like he had just walked out of an 80’s movie. “You look very nice,” he said as she handed him the keys. “Thanks. You do too. It’s nice to see you dressed in real clothes.” “Do you have a problem with how I normally dress?” He asked as he started the engine. “No problem, trust me, workout clothes are flattering on you, it’s just nice to see you in something else.” “I’ll take that as a compliment.” “You should,” she quickly replied as she fidgeted with the radio, “So where are we going this time?” “Let’s just say you might regret wearing those shoes.” “Right, because you couldn’t have told me that before we left.” “Well, I see it this way, if you take the shoes off, you have to go barefoot, and then maybe I’ll get to carry you.” She blushed brightly, turning the radio up.
A few minutes later, Sawyer stopped in front of a park with an old-fashioned playground, complete with a huge metal slide, a marigold merry-go-round, and a large multi-colored geodesic dome. “This is it.” He said as he got out of the car. She slipped her shoes off and jumped out of her seat, sprinting up behind him and hopping on his back. They played like children for a few hours, until the last of the sunlight finally faded and they found themselves sitting on top of the dome overlooking the park.
“Do you ever wonder about what led us here? And what happened to those little kids we used to be? What happened to all of our dreams?” He asked as she leaned her head against his shoulder. “All the time.” “Did you know when I was little, I wanted to move to Metropolis and be a journalist and fight crime like Superman?” She laughed, “No, but I can totally see it. We could get you some hipster glasses and dye your hair black. It’ll be great.” “What about you?” “When I was little... I wanted to grow up and be the slayer.” “Like Buffy?” “Yes, like Buffy. But taller. I wanted to fight vampires and save the world from unspeakable demons. You can imagine how disappointed I was when I found out that the unspeakable demons were actually within normal people, and that you can’t fight them off with wooden stakes.” “Is that why you study psychology? So you can fight the demons within?” She nodded. “Why do you?” “Because journalism pays like crap, and I love the game. And working in a team gives you a whole new appreciation for the human mind. I think it makes me a better teammate and a better player. I know it makes me a better person.” They were both quiet for a few minutes.
“So what got you here, Kai Dinwiddie?” “Ah, that is a long story.” “I’ve got the time. God knows I’ve been waiting long enough to hear it.” She looked at him for several seconds. “Okay, well, here goes. My grandfather and I moved to California before I started high school when he had finally made enough money to buy and operate his own dairy. I applied to a lot of schools, and I got in to all of them. But one of my friends from youth group was a student here, so when I got a scholarship here, I took a leap. I’m still learning why.” “Was it just you and your grandfather?” “Yeah. When I left for college, my aunt moved in with him.” “Do they get along well?” “They did,” she said, drawing her legs up to her chest, “but he passed away my freshman year here.” “Do you think about him a lot?” “Every day,” she quietly replied. He put an arm around her, holding her for what felt like forever.
Sawyer finally spoke again, “does it make Brett’s death harder?” “Not just that, but yeah.” He gave her a questioning look. “When I was in high school, one of my best friends overdosed. And before that, my parents passed away.” “How old were you?” “Six.” The pain on his face seemed almost impossible. “I’m so sorry, Kai.” She just nodded, resting her head against him again.
It was 1:15 when Kai made it back to her room. She knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep, so she decided to watch Netflix for a little while. She opened her laptop back up to the news feed. The anchor was going on about the various insane things that had happened in LA that day. “At approximately 3pm, authorities discovered the brutally murdered remains of forty-eight-year-old Tom Baker, who had been stabbed thirteen times before being disposed of in a nearby dumpster.” As the reporter continued, a mug shot popped up on the screen, depicting the deceased. Kai’s heart dropped, her lungs stiffened, her hands shook, and her head spun as her mind flashed back to earlier in the day when she was walking in the city with Caedmon. She played the scene slowly in her head, as the thief ran into her, as he looked over his shoulder while running away, as Caedmon printed after him. She saw it again in her mind, Caedmon’s hand through his hair, his tiny smile, his scarlet shirt, “I apprehended the bandit…” She repeated under her breath.
