Table For Two - Part Thirteen
In collaboration with @welightthefire
Jake Kiszka x OC x Josh Kiszka
Summary: “What started out as a new job unexpectedly became something more for Sydney Baker. There’s only room at the table for two… How will she navigate her feelings and come to a decision? How can she choose between two sides of the same coin?”
Warnings: angst, anxiety, tiny bit of platonic fluff (let us know if we should add anything)
Word Count: ~5.4k
taglist // playlist // masterpost
A/N: thanks for being so patient with us and we hope we can make it up to you!
Part Thirteen
The view that stretched out before him resembled something like that of a nature documentary he had found himself time and time again mindlessly watching at three in the morning. The vast canopy of verdant fauna seemed to roll in waves across the dips and rises in the valley below. The sun was blinding, illuminating everything in its wake in a grand display of color.
As the heels of his boots sunk into the rocky earth beneath his feet, he let his eyes wander further. His gaze spanned the width of the rocky ledge that jutted out before him, stopping once they landed on her figure. Her bare toes threatened to curl around the jagged edge of the basalt as her long hair swept in the soft breeze behind her. The sun shone directly over her bare legs, the tanned hue of her complexion somehow glowing as she bathed in the light. He couldn’t help the shiver that crept its way along his spine when he noticed the denim fabric hanging off her shoulders.
His chest hurt as he watched her motionless form gaze out over the sight before her. Her body language was the epitome of peace and grace, yet the soulful connection he had formed with her over the past months led him to feel her inner conflicts.
Jake knew she was beating herself up and he hated that he couldn’t do anything but stand there and watch as her arms moved to wrap around her middle and her thumb twisted against the ring on her index finger. He could feel her anxiety and her sorrow, her remorse and her regret, her confusion and uncertainty just as if they were his own emotions, and in a way, they were.
He wanted to hold her, kiss her. He wanted to reassure her that everything would work itself out, that it would be fine. That one way or another, they could figure it out together.
But he couldn’t. The marks embedded in the dirt from his weight seemed to ground him, glue him to that one spot. His pulse raced as he watched her fingers trail up along the path of passion left on her breast up towards the sweet spot behind her ear. A place where she couldn’t see but remained a reminder of the early hours they shared together, wrapped up in each other’s limbs.
In the distance, he could hear the piercing call of an eagle cut through the sound of the wind blowing through the trees. Then, that same breeze, it kissed the bare skin of his arms in such a way that it caused his flesh to crawl. There was darkness amidst the light, greater than any feeling shared along the invisible red string between the two.
He wasn’t welcome here.
No matter how beautiful, how heavenly, how wondrous this escape to nature was, he couldn’t shake the horrible feeling that was burrowing itself deeper inside his gut. There was an inescapable dread that threatened to climb up his throat and escape his lips in a silent scream.
Something was wrong.
Maybe it was his presence in such a beautiful place, somehow tainting the air around him. Perhaps him being there was the reason Syd stood as still as a statue while her mind ran rampant.
He wished he could be the lighthouse in her harbor, the anchor that weighed her down and kept her at the shore. The terrors she was feeling inside… He wished nothing more than to take them away so she could find peace.
But that was all it was.
Wishful thinking.
Before he had even realized it, he found the familiar hum buzzing along his throat as his voice carried across the space between them. “Slip.”
Jake took a few short steps towards her, his dark irises eyeing her intently as her shoulders fell from their tense position. He swore he saw the apple of her cheek swell from his viewpoint, but he couldn’t be sure.
“Baby, please,” he pleaded, not stopping his footfalls until he was right behind her. Close enough to touch, but he wasn’t brave enough. Her broken emotions that seemed to flicker like a picture show through his mind held him back.
As she abruptly turned her head to face him, the familiar aroma of vanilla lifting up towards his senses, clouding his mind in unbridled comfort. For just a moment, her eyes held a certain kind of sadness, one of longing for a lost lover.
He wished her expression would fall, change into something brighter. He wished a meek smile would turn the corners of her lips upward, but they stayed.
“Jake,” she breathed with tears evident in the glossy coat that caused her eyes to sparkle in the late-afternoon sunlight.
“Hi, baby,” he smiled sadly, his own tears silently creeping over the defined structure of his cheekbones.
It hurt him to see her like this and to know that he couldn’t take it away. There wasn’t anything he could think of to do, except to exist there within her presence.
He watched as the tension lifted from her shoulders once more and she began to relax under his gaze. It was for only a second that her arms fell to her sides before they were wrapped around her torso once more.
“I miss you,” he spoke, hesitantly, fearful that if he said too much, he would scare her away.
Make her leave again.
Her silence was deafening as she opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, seeming to try and find the words that wouldn’t come out. She stuck out her tongue and swiped it along the plane of her plump lower lip, intaking a deep sigh after what seemed like hours but was only mere moments before her body crashed against his like a tidal wave.
‘I miss you,’ Syd’s voice sang through the creases and crevices in his brain, sending neurons firing left and right at the sound. ‘I’m here. You don’t have to miss me, because I’m here.’
Her arms snaked around his neck as she pushed herself up on her toes to press her chest flush against his. The floral scent of her shampoo intoxicated him as his nose kissed the hollow of her cheek. Her action froze any and all attempts at a reaction from him towards the embrace that she was holding him in so tightly. It was all he could do to steady their bodies by holding firmly to her waist.
As the pair stood there, Jake’s breath grew uneven and staggered. He wished he could feel at peace in this beautiful place with her. He wished he could take away all of the hurt and sorrow he knew she was feeling inside, but was too proud to admit to.
He couldn’t help but feel as though this was some sort of goodbye. His chest hurt, overflowing with his own pain. A dark and twisted kind of emotion that snaked and constricted tighter and tighter as it threatened to suffocate him completely. The feeling wasn’t panic. In fact, it was something else entirely.
It was the fact that he felt her slipping away from him. Her voice in his head was nothing but a wishful response to what he wanted her to say.
Needed her to say.
Jake couldn’t imagine a day without her shy smile filling a room, her witty remarks stunning him into silence, the soft touch of her fingertips against his arm a gentle reminder that she was there. After so many moments in time where they found themselves together, they had gotten to the point where they could share themselves unabashedly.
So much work, so many memories.
Little conversations that turned into special blips of mind space stored away to find happiness within the melancholy.
The tears slid down his cheeks in a slow trickle, losing themselves within the strands of her dark hair. He didn’t want to lose her, but he didn’t know how to make her stay. There was an innate fear deep within him that any word spoken about that morning would cause her to flee like an unsuspecting deer caught in a field.
So he kept quiet, kept his thoughts at bay.
But someone else couldn’t help it.
“Why?” The raspy voice sounded, coming from neither Jake nor Syd. It was Josh.
Jake could feel his twin’s eyes boring holes into the back of his skull. It caused a feeling of unease to arise in his chest, ceasing the constriction but heightening the pressure. It was a wonder why Syd couldn’t hear his heart begin to pound, and if she did, she didn’t let on. Josh was watching them, observing their embrace, scrutinizing their intimacy.
The grip he had on Syd’s waist tightened as he paused his breathing, waiting for his brother’s words that would never come. He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt Syd’s body shift, her torso bumping against his as she rose to stand on her tiptoes. Jake choked back a whimper as Josh spoke again.
“Why?” He repeated. “Why, why, why-?”
Jake could feel the hair on the back of his neck stand on end at the chilled, dead tone of his brother’s voice. He didn’t have to turn to see the man staring, not at them, but almost through them. The visual of Josh displayed clearly in his mind.
Usually tan, glowing skin gone pale.
Warm, chestnut eyes grew dark and cold.
Bouncy curls fell flat.
Tall, confident shoulders sunk low, defeated.
Yet, Jake still felt threatened. Syd could see them both and he knew she was watching Josh from over his shoulder. The shift of her shirt against his didn’t go unnoticed by him.
He could feel her bury her head into his neck, her shoulders shaking just enough to indicate that she was crying. The gesture only made him feel that much more intimidated by his brother’s presence. It seemed as if this were the end of the hug he had quickly lost himself in. As if her movement foreshadowed her impending departure. He felt as if she was letting him bask in her presence while he still could, crying only because of the pain she would cause.
“You can leave, if you need to,” he croaked out, voice hoarse as he tried to keep his composure. He didn’t want her pity, not if it meant she suffered in the meantime.
Still, she shook her head. And for reasons he couldn’t understand, she clutched onto him tighter.
“You can,” he insisted. As much as it hurt him to let her go a second time, he would do it a million times over if it was what made her happy.
He had heard that dreams were the mind’s way of processing things. Preparing for possible situations, accepting that which has passed. And with that knowledge, he made his decision. He’d fully lean into what was to come. What had already happened.
He’d accept the fact that he lost her. He’d come to terms with a reality that was just as bitter on his tongue as the name of any of his past lovers. He would let her leave.
And with Josh’s voice becoming clearer and clearer, more dangerous and disgusted, it felt as if her departure would arrive sooner rather than later. Her fingers twisted into the fabric of Jake’s t-shirt the moment Josh’s open palm connected with his brother’s shoulder.
In an instant, Jake’s arms tightened around Syd’s frame to keep her pressed flush against his as the earth fell out from beneath their feet. As her eyes widened with surprise but not with fear, they descended through the free fall.
Together.
—
It had been two weeks…
Two weeks of living in the confines of his wandering mind, spinning in circles as if he were a lost puppy in search of its favorite human. There was a sense of listlessness as Jake went through his days, repeating the same old actions from muscle memory.
He would wake up to the sound of his alarm blaring a monotonous tone, but instead of getting up once it was silenced, he would lay there staring at the ceiling as images of Syd danced before him. Jake spent his mornings longing for her, imagining what more he could have done to make her stay.
Each moment, every memory of her, replayed in his mind like an old home movie. The bittersweet sense of nostalgia creeping in and anchoring him down into his mattress as the weight of wonder sat heavily atop his chest.
That first fateful encounter on the curb out behind the diner while her dark lashes glistened in the orange light.
When Syd slipped and fell in the diner and earned herself a special nickname, cheeks painted red from embarrassment while a silly grin turned her lips upward.
The car ride home from Green’s when she kept drunkenly repeating her address aloud to him in between giggles as if she would forget it.
The morning after she spent the night and Jake played and sang her the song he wrote, and she sat there soaking up every moment with wide, adoring eyes.
When they danced in her kitchen so gently, it was as if neither of them were moving a single muscle.
And the morning before everything went to shit, when he laid there soaking up all of her and traced swirls and loops along the surface of her skin with his calloused fingers.
It all seemed like ages ago.
As the days turned into a week and that week turned into another, he seemed to live through those little moments in time before things changed. He’d rather be there than in the hell he was currently living in.
The diner was dull without her bustling around, yet the elephant in the room added a layer of tension that was seemingly unavoidable. Occasionally, he’d still look for her when he placed an order in the window, anticipating to see her trotting to retrieve it with a smile on her face. Instead, it was always his little brother, and Jake only hoped he understood why his expression would fall. He seemed to be the only one that was hopeful of her return.
Josh was much quieter nowadays. His laughter and boisterous attitudes were now stamped out by anger. He was quiet, only responding when absolutely necessary, sometimes even going out of his way to relay messages through Sam instead of talking directly to his twin. Jake tried to not take it personally, but deep down, he loathed the situation. He hated how something so trivial could alter his brother’s spirit, and ultimately, change their relationship completely. He wished he could find the same resentment that Josh had, the bitterness evident in each corner of his demeanor.
That bitterness that resided until Josh saw her. The new girl with the shorter, dark curls that had been hired on to take Syd’s place. The girl who was doing everything she could to fit in but seemed to be a ghost of her predecessor. Even some of her features resembled Syd’s. From the soft slope of her nose to the small stature she stood and many small things in between. She was wonderful at her job, great with customers, kind and charismatic, but just not Syd.
It was enough for Josh, though. He had latched on to her as soon as she was hired, greeting her each day with a warm and welcoming smile. Carrying on conversations anytime they were near, much unlike the niceties he’d grant his brothers. He seemed to have an easier time at work because of her - able to forget everything that had transpired and gotten his brother and him to where they are now - just because of her.
But Jake couldn’t forget. He didn’t want to forget.
Sam seemed to be doing everything he could to juggle the questions and suspicions that Jake would present to him. Anything that pertained to Syd in the least bit - concerns about her wellbeing, inquiries of her current situation, attempts to know more about her - were all returned with vague responses and nonchalant answers.
“Is she okay?” Jake had asked, desperate for any information he could squeeze from his brother. He had seen her image flash across the screen of Sam’s phone mid-shift, and the sound rang through the diner before he had rushed outside to take the call in a more private area. As soon as he returned, though, that need for privacy was disregarded.
Sam sighed. “Jake, I already told you-.”
“No, you told me that she’d be fine. Not that she was okay, not that she was safe, nothing.” Jake followed him as he weaved through the area. “You won’t give me any more than that?”
He didn’t flinch. He didn’t return any indication that he had even heard Jake’s questioning. He simply carried on with his tasks.
“Sam, seriously, this is getting ridiculous-”
“I think you have a few orders you need to work on, don’t you?”
His words were cold, unrelenting - avoiding the discussion at hand. He paid no mind to the anguish that was laden in his brother’s tone. He seemed to only care about the measly duties that the diner provided as a distraction.
What Jake didn’t know, is that it was quickly becoming just as hard for Sam as it was for his brothers. He had spent months accustomed to seeing his best friend essentially every day. Months of inside jokes and teasing, ranting and gossiping, all replaced by the occasional text or phone call.
Of course, he found it difficult to avoid the slew of questions that Jake came to him with, but in reality, Sam knew much less than the others thought he did. Syd talked to him some, but not nearly as often as she would before. He could only assume she was trying to save him from the burden of her secrets.
She had told him about the new job she had landed, the bookstore that she had frequented on the other side of town. After texting Danny and apologizing for the such short notice of her resignation, she had immediately searched for another job to occupy her time. Sam knew that once she arrived and presented herself for recruitment, the owner hired her on the spot. Sam knew that she still lived at the same address - not minding the extra distance to travel for work nowadays - but that was all.
He didn’t know how she felt detached from her new reality. How nothing seemed right to her anymore. How she had to force herself to become familiar with this new routine, and how she moved through her days as if she were a robot, programmed to live through the hell she had made for herself.
Her work schedule looked different now, her shifts now taking place every morning of the week. One might’ve complained about such a transition, but for Syd, less time to herself was seen as a gift.
She would come home to cuddle up to Delta, who always seemed privy to the situation and change in her demeanor, and cycle through whatever she could find to distract herself with. Within minutes of watching a new movie, she’d find herself thinking back to Josh’s fascination with film and Jake’s gesture of constructing the pillow fort for their movie night - eventually having to abandon the activity altogether. Reading was never the same, the consideration of Josh’s potential interests in the book caused a turn in her stomach and pain in her heart.
Even the simple hobby of listening to music was different now. Instead of the song at hand, she would only hear Jake’s soft strumming and singing. She even felt herself rocking back and forth as they had in her kitchen, the movement both comforting and agonizing.
To say that she missed them was an understatement. She was consumed by the sense of longing left by her thoughts and memories with them. Although her first and last interactions with Josh were less than sweet, she cherished everything their relationship had blossomed to become. They bonded over quirks and shared interests, and eventually grew to the point where they relished in the company of one another. Josh pushed her limits. He pushed Syd out of her comfort zone to find the beauty outside of her normal routine. He encouraged the pursuit of spontaneity, and his presence was her reward.
But Jake. Jake’s presence was her solace.
Jake was the embodiment of acceptance, of home. He had shown interest in knowing her, and in learning everything that made her unique. As she opened up to him - allowed him in the depths of her worries and anxieties - he welcomed her with no judgment. He pulled her in and surrounded her with love and intrigue. And that’s what she missed the most.
How different they were, despite their similarities. The push and pull. Yin and yang, day and night.
With both, an offer of friendship and intimacy, but a requirement of choice. And how could one choose between the sun and the moon?
As obvious as her choice should have been, she couldn’t bring herself to hurt one by choosing the other. It seemed irrational to her, to reject Josh because of the possibility of there being more with her and Jake. It wasn’t reasonable to deny the obvious feelings she had garnered for the eldest, simply because of her infatuation with his counterpart. But in a way, not choosing was a decision in itself. A decision that led her here. To be alone and hurting.
She had no one.
Occasionally, she considered what she could be doing with her time if she had made the choice she had longed to make in the beginning. She imagined how her nights of working at the diner would play out, stealing kisses and glances when she could. She could envision nights full of teasing and taunting each other, playful banter and innocent touches. Carpooling to work to “save gas” when deep down it was just another excuse to see one another. Coming back to either apartment and unintentionally falling asleep together, waking in the morning to do it all over again.
If she had only made that choice, she’d be in his arms Sunday morning instead of trudging along at work. A folded-up piece of notebook paper weighed heavy in her pocket, a reminder of what could be.
As Syd stood amongst the musty bookshelves in the shop, boxes of inventory scattered around her, she looked over her shoulder to find her boss busy at the desk working on the computer. The quiet man wouldn’t mind if she took a few moments to give in to her curiosity, right?
She pulled the note out and fingered the corner of the page that was left on her doorstep just that morning. Her name was scrawled across the front in Jake’s hand, written in dark ink that was smudged just slightly. She had found it resting on the doormat when she had fumbled and dropped her keys while trying to keep Delta from escaping the confines of her home.
The instant recognition of his handwriting struck a sense of irrational fear into her core and she swiftly shoved it into the pocket of her jeans in hopes of forgetting about it. However, that wasn’t the case. As the minutes turned into hours, creeping by at a snail’s pace, the flimsy piece of paper burned a hole through the denim.
She couldn’t get the thought of it out of her mind. The contents of the note were unknown to her, but held the promise of closure. The words he had written were from the heart, regardless of what they were. She could feel the embossed imprint of his heavy hand from where he filled the page as she rubbed her thumb over the blank back of the lined sheet.
If she could close her eyes and separate herself from where she stood, for just a moment, she could imagine watching him from afar while he scrawled the words onto the paper and folded it carefully.
In her mental image of him, she could see him chewing on his bottom lip, an obvious sign of the anxiety and fear he was desperately trying to hold in. She could see his trembling hands, him wiping his sweaty palms on the fabric of his pants and getting frustrated by how clammy they felt. She could see a bouncing leg, the movement shaking the knick-knacks on the surface of the desk.
But she could also see tears in his eyes, threatening to fall with every blink, and although it was only her imagination, her heart yearned to be there with him. To hold his hands in hers as she knew he would if it were the other way around. To rub soothing circles along his skin. To wipe his tears and hold him close.
But would he want her to? Maybe he was writing his final words to her. Maybe this note was his goodbye, his acceptance of how things panned out and finalizing the end of whatever relationship the two had nurtured to this point. Maybe this note would be her last memory of him. She was unsure of what to anticipate.
Syd hadn’t realized she was holding her breath until her lungs began to burn. She took a sharp breath and peeked over her shoulder at her boss. He still sat at the same spot behind the desk, busying himself with whatever task was in front of him. With shaking hands and a lip sucked between her teeth, she opened the letter to reveal its truth.
“Syd,
I couldn’t leave, and I don’t see how you did it. You left without a word, without even the slightest glance. I know you felt like you had to, like everything was falling apart and you had to run before it all caved in on you. I know you felt hopeless, alone. But you weren’t. You aren’t. And I wish you would’ve just stayed, Syd. I wish you would’ve let me tell you that before you let your thoughts get the best of you.
I hope you’re okay.
You won’t answer my calls and I’m so fucking scared. I hoped you would at least tell me where you went. I hoped you would tell me that you’re okay. I need you to be okay.”
As she read, she could hear his gravelly tone echo in her mind as he spoke the words. Even though she was standing there reading and analyzing his writing, all along he had been observing her, learning her. A sharp pang shot through her chest as she came to the realization that he had taken his time earning her trust. Jake had done more than anyone else ever had to understand her and accept her exactly for who she was, not what she could be.
Even now, as his pain and confusion were bleeding through the page, it was clear to her that while choosing one of the brothers would inevitably hurt the other, not choosing was just as hard on at least one of them.
The guilt of leaving crushed her, now more than ever. Knowing that it caused such an intense reaction from him, knowing that these words could only express half of what he was feeling. It was all too much.
She almost stopped reading then and there. She could feel the tears begin to well and her heart begin to break. Especially as she forced herself to continue looking upon the page in her hand.
“I love you, Slip. More than the stars in the sky. More than life on Earth. More than guitar or music or the air that I breathe. I love you so much that it’s scary, and that fact has never changed. It will never change. I don’t care what happened. It doesn’t make me love you any less, and I just need you to come back. We can work through this together, if that’s something you’d want. God knows I do. I want you. I want us. I’ll never stop wanting that, and I’ll always be here whenever you’re ready. If ever.
All my love,
Jake”
He loved her.
Jake loved her.
She thought she would always remember the first time she heard the words fall from his plush lips. She thought she would have the time, date, and setting stamped into her mind forever, molding her into a new person as soon as the words danced in the air.
She didn’t think that she’d have the words permanently written on a piece of paper, multiple times. She didn’t imagine this being the circumstance of why the words were being said. Things were supposed to be different. The words weren’t meant to be spoken out of desperation, in such a pleading manner with a sense of uncertainty behind them. It was supposed to be them and only them.
But she somehow still managed to fuck that up, too.
Syd couldn’t believe the last few lines of the note, no matter how many times she read them. He claimed he wanted her, them. He insisted that he would always be there, waiting for her return with the same amount of love that he had blessed her with before everything. But how could he?
How could he forgive and forget so easily? How could he move past the fact that she had shared such an intimate part of herself with his brother? How could he love the person who came into his life and destroyed his relationship with his twin and left him alone to deal with the aftermath?
It seemed impossible. She couldn’t even give herself the same amount of grace.
The soft bell of the shop’s door opening was almost unnoticeable, but the gruff sound of her boss’s voice was what drew her out of her thoughts and brought her back to reality. She heard his greeting and a mumbled “thank you” from the customer that entered, causing her to fumble with the note as she stuffed it back in her apron.
She hurried to grab one of the books she was supposed to put away, much too focused on looking busy that she didn’t notice the customer getting closer and closer to where she stood.
She glanced back to the empty spots on the bookshelf that awaiting their fulfillment with the new novels in the box before her, checking multiple times that the tag matched the title of the book in her hand. Her frazzled state made her second-guess herself, but eventually, she was convinced that she had the correct placement. Just as she raised her arm to set the book down, though, she heard the soft sound of footsteps growing louder behind her, the owner of the noise clearing their throat as they approached.
“Excuse me? Ma’am?”
The voice caused her to pause her movement, stalling once more from getting the task completed. Despite the last syllable being more pointed and sarcastic than one would normally use when acknowledging an employee, it sounded inviting, familiar. But it couldn’t be-
“Could you help me find a book?” Finally, a full sentence to confirm her suspicions, a wide grin already forming on her lips. “Maybe one on how to text your best friend back?”
A sigh of relief and a quick turn later, she was met with Sam’s bright-eyed expression, a kind smirk adorning his features. Somehow, he looked different than the last time she had seen him, the day feeling like years prior.
The book fell from Syd’s grasp in a flash, and without an ounce of hesitation, she wrapped her arms around his neck. She strained to keep her balance with her body stretching to meet his, but he welcomed the embrace, sighing as his arms enveloped her to return the hug and hold her close to him.
“You-” she spoke into his neck, laughing in disbelief. “-are such an ass, Sammy.”
A soft chuckle rumbled from his chest and landed into the strands of her hair. “I missed you, too, birdie.”
—————————————
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