#wellfudge

[aaanyyyceee]

Nightly Thoughts 25

11:49 PM I don't know who to turn to. My cousin doesn't help. He doesn't listen to what I say. To how I feel. He just talks and that's the kind of person he is. And I can't blame him. I'm wishing. I'm wishing for a lot of things actually. But they're unattainable. And I can't really do anything about it. I want my sister back. To talk with her. To cry to her. To know someone is there for you. I love someone who will never want me. And yet here I am. Still. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to stop. I keep telling myself to. Telling myself that everything was a lie. Telling myself that this is better. That they don't care. That they've moved on. That I need to stop, too. But I can't. I'm wishing to better myself. To not think about all of my analyzations of things. But I can't. Why can't I? Because the pain will heal faster if it's me inflicting it. I'm dwelling with just myself. But I can't hold everything in because I have no one to turn to. If I hold it in, I'd probably go back to what I used to do. And I hated it. Hated her. Hated the old me. A post. A nightly post. The posts where I'm able to let everything out. This post with which I'm hoping will release some of the pressure Because the next few days will be finals. And I need to concentrate on that. I'm wishing I can. I can do something about it. It's attainable.

[aaanyyyceee]

I feel like everything's fine. But I always wake up with a heavy feeling. I could even feel it when I'm sleeping. It hurts my chest, and I wish it would go away... I just wanna enjoy sleep and naps again. It hurts a lot.

[aaanyyyceee]

Nightly Thoughts 19

2:45 AM

For the first time in awhile, my mind is blank. I can’t really sleep for the first time in awhile. I really tried to. But I can’t. I woke up. Even in my dreams my reality settles. The morning is going to be an even bigger pain though. My eyes will hurt. And I don’t know which is worse. Being asked if I cried last night or continuing to go through my day with this feeling. I’ll really try not to. But I know I can’t. All I know is I had two choices. And I don’t know which is worse. I had to let you go because if I didn’t, you would’ve never healed and never wanted me. And I would never let you or myself go through that. I really did try. But I couldn’t… for the first time in awhile.

[aaanyyyceee]

Nightly Thoughts 18

12:42 AM

I’m at a point where I’m like “okay cool everything will finally be on a great path for me if i do this and do that” but honestly I hate that mindset because it’ll just fuck things up because for me being too constricted and focused makes me a selfish bitch. I seriously fucking disregard other people and am in the situation only for my benefit. I also hate the fact of me being overly critical, orderly and planner of shit because it just doesn’t dwell well with other people and annoys the fuck out of them.

It’s like I really really really want to go with the flow and not think too much into current things and future things, but if I don’t I end up panicking and being “oh my god what am I even doing? is this even right? how can I make this work to the where the situation is at its best? what could I do to make sure this doesn’t get fucked up? and I go into a state of trying to do a bit of what I like to call quick planning where I think intensely about what my next moves are in a current situation. But everything becomes a clusterfuck in my head, and it gets a bit too much. Then, that’s how I fuck up… Because I do horribly if I’m in a situation where I don’t know the outcome, and I’m already freaking out about it.

So, I think I don’t win in either situation. And it sucks. That’s how I did poorly on my midterm. Which mindset did I take? The one where I went with the flow. It wasn’t an exam where I’m like yeaahhh I know this shit, it was a "let’s see what knowledge you retained over the past two months and put it to the test” and during the whole exam I was freaking out skipping back and forth in my textbook trying to find the answer because I didn’t fuckin know the full information.

[aaanyyyceee]

Nightly Thoughts 15

12:46 AM Realizing you haven't learned from past mistakes is devastating. I feel like I failed myself, and that it's my fault. And, it is. I seek emotional pain. It's what fucked me up over the last few years. I've inflicted undignified actions upon myself that led to degradation. I basically used physical pain to ease the emotional pain. It was like a drug to me that I only used when I felt my lowest. I never want to put myself through that again. Yet, I'm heading into a path straight into emotional pain. I need to put on my brakes before it's too late. Or maybe it already is. I've only just realized it... and it's devastating.

[aaanyyyceee]

Nightly Thoughts 14

12:57 AM

I don’t give a fuck still…

My anxiety makes me give a fuck. My mindset makes me give a fuck. My feelings make me give a fuck. What everyone thinks makes me give a fuck. What you do/say makes me give a fuck. I’m affected by all these fucks I give, when all I want to do is to ignore it.

It’s hard to ignore it. I really don’t want to. I’m trying my hardest not to. But if I don’t, that means I don’t care. And if I don’t care, that’s just not me.

I’ll be dead on the inside. I’ll go back to being dead on the inside. Yet, aren’t I still dead on the inside? So why can’t I not give a fuck?

[aaanyyyceee]

Nightly Thoughts 13

1:33 AM

Sometimes being selfish is hard. Hard because you’re always trying to appease everyone around, and you’re doing this because it’s what you think is for the best. Though is it really?…for yourself?

There are only two major things I could think of when I was being selfish: going for my own career path, disregarding what my parents wanted. The second: fighting for a relationship that I knew wasn’t the best, but I wanted it. One built me up, and one made me crash. Maybe that’s why I just don’t do it often.. Be selfish.

Still, I want to be more selfish. I want to be able to think of myself only and not what others want. I want to be able to go after something I want and succeed in getting it without thinking about what the alternate benefits could be for others. Do something for myself only and only for myself.

But it’s hard. I don’t know why I give so much, even when I know it wouldn’t contribute to my own benefit. Thinking only about others without a second thought to what it could do to me. Or what I really want. It’s always been that way my whole life. It’s just the first thing I decide.

Sometimes I just want others to do the same for me.

[aaanyyyceee]

Nightly Thoughts 12

10:06 PM

The sound of the rain is always so calming. It doesn’t matter if the rain comes down softly or that it hits violently against the roof. It’s soothing to know that the sound isn’t from my teardrops falling down on my pillow.

That the darkness from the clouds coordinates with this feeling I constantly have and constantly try to ignore. And the thundering resonates with the thoughts that float through my mind ever so often.

It’s nap weather. It’s like an excuse to go take a nap to escape from reality and wake up without a sense of guilt. Since it’s raining.

Raining because finally something out there is feeling what I’m feeling, and that the only thing to help keep me calm is the sound of the rain hitting the rooftop.