#werewolf self

[lovelywingsart]

'I could be honest; I could be human

I could become the silver bullet in your head

But no one can break my heart like I can

Werewolf'

'Werewolf' - Motionless In White

-

I'm only going to care about myself from now on, no matter how many hearts it rips out.

--- Small 'vent' under cut, feel free to ignore ---

I just...

I went on an entire fucking thing on facebook this morning. I'm tired of small glimmers of hope only to have my face shoved back into the dirt by one thing after another, no matter how small they are, and dealing with others problems because I just... care.

Not anymore.

I seriously can't keep doing this. I can't worry about others problems. I can't be as open to them as I used to be. It's not helping me at all; in fact, it's wearing me down to the point of being barely functional. I've been ALOT more vocal about my issues in the past few weeks (i.e. since mid fucking January), moreso than I ever really have been, because I'm just... tired. Tired of dealing with it. Tired of caring. So basically, I decided- fuck your feelings, fuck your problems, because I only have the ability to deal with my own, just barely. So the only people I'm going to care about from now on is myself, my fiance, and my cat. I only have the mental capacity to care about myself and my boys.

That's it.

'Villain Era' mode activated, because I just need a fucking break.

Please note that this isn't about anyone in specific, it's just a generalized thing because so many small and infuriating things keep happening CONSTANTLY and have been completely overshadowing the good things- which there haven't been many.

I'm just tired.

Really, really tired.

[demonicxfire]

Last Night I watched Wolf Children

It was a really good film.

And... the ending... well, that's what made me, my soul, and my werewolf side go insane...

WHY COULD AME CHOOSE TO BE A WOLF, AND I CAN'T?????

THIS IS LITERALLY SO UNFAIR.

WHY CAN'T I CHOOSE?????

I WANT TO BE IN MY WEREWOLF FORM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

I WANNA CHOOSE THE WEREWOLF, NOT THE HUMAN.

YUKI CHOOSE THE HUMAN PATH, AME THE WOLF PATH.

WHY IS THERE NOT A POSSIBILITY FOR ME TO CHOOSE TOO????

Then, I'm right. This is no freedom. It will never be.

Cuz in this fucking life, I'm forced to be human.

I'm forced cuz I have to accept this part of me, apparently.

BUT- WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO BE HUMAN?????

WHAT. IF????

WHAT IF I ALWAYS WANT TO CHOOSE THE OTHER SIDE OF ME??? MY WEREWOLF SIDE????

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE HUMAN IN THIS WORLD???? IN THIS LIFE????

The only reason I can explain is that I must accept this part of me so that in the next life I'll be able to be a werewolf once again.

Maybe I had a lot of past lives as a human

And maybe I will continue to live human lives until I'll fully accept my humanity, so that in the next life, I'll be reborn as a werewolf, but I'll be able to find a balance between the werewolf and the human...

But- why do I have to be forced in this situation?

This... is so unfair...

I don't want to be human. Okay, I'm a werewolf, but I want to abandon my human side, forever...

I wanna be able to transform, and never going back...

I'd live in the forest... and I'd go hunting... I'd live with my pack... my family...

And I'd always stay awake at Night and I'd always sleep during daytime...

Instead, I'm forced to do something that I don't want to...

Tell me, is this real freedom? No.

And... it will never be.

----

I'm sorry, but I had to say all this. I had to vent.

[dustmote-dragon]

This is just me coming home from work with food for my roommate

[dustmote-dragon]

If you see a lanky werewolf excited over a fruit tray in your local grocery store that's just me

[dustmote-dragon]

There are flowers growing all around a massive animal inside of me And it's so ugly And I'm so broken And I'm so ugly And it's so broken