Believing in myself
Yesterday, something good happened when I was at Westside Dance Studio. I didn’t write about that place yet, but it’s a place where I feel so alive because it is where I do what I like the most: dance.
There are a lot of amazing dancers there and, as usual, due to my lack confidence, I feel so insecure of letting myself dance because there is this stupid thought in my head that people will judge me and that I spoil everything and this is so irritating.
I don’t think I dance well and I still have to improve a lot. So, yesterday, while I was attending DS Fuesl’s class, I felt so dumb because my body didn’t obey to my mind’s commands and when I looked at the mirror, I didn’t like it at all. So I decided to ignore the mirror and just focus on my conscious of my own body without worrying about the look of it.
I was feeling depressed, that I was a shame and I would never dance well. I wanted to quit, but I forced myself being there and finish the class that I had started. Somehow, it would help me to improve more than if I had given up. And I was so right.
There wasn’t a single time when I looked at myself in the mirror because I didn’t want to see, so I kept on working the steps on my mind and let them go through my body. I had no idea how I was doing and, in the end of the class, the teacher said to some aleatory people dance. Usually, this is when the ones who are feeling comfortable with their dance go to the middle of the room and dance while the others watch. And, obviously, I just remained at the side, watching the people there dancing.
When the class is about to finish, the teacher usually calls some people who he/she thinks did good on class and I heard him calling some names that I already knew where good dancers – it would be just a typical select and I would just see it and go get ready for the next class.
However, he looked at my direction and said “you go there too”. I was so confused because it never happened to me. No teacher has ever selected me and I took it long to realize he was talking to me. He even said again “you there who looked at me. Japan girl” and then I realized it was really me.
DS Fuel, the owner of Westside Dance Studio, selected me to dance. I was so mesmerized and nervous that I didn’t even dance right when the time came. I was disappointed that I made some mistakes there, but I think the fact that I was selected was making me feel too awestruck to be so sad.
The next class was a teacher who I really like and she was at DS’ class as well. She knew I was nervous there and, at the end of her class, she didn’t select me, but when she asked if anyone wanted to dance, I knew deep down she was talking to me, but I was too nervous to say I wanted to; and later she just confirmed what I was thinking. She was giving me some kind of a challenge that I still didn’t have the courage to face. But I was glad to her.
All of it just made me recall a quote: “You are so used to your features you don’t know how beautiful you look to a stranger”. I never felt it was so true – I am so used to think I don’t dance well, that there is nothing on me someone would think is, at least, nice, that I didn’t know that I looked fine to DS when I was dancing there.
It made me realize that I have to trust more in myself even though it is hard. I have to stop thinking that I am not good and just start thinking that I am learning. It is a difficult process, but I know that someday, if I keep on practicing, I will start believing in myself.
(February 21th, 2017)
