#what'sup

[tranen-eines-engels]

what's up

[sweet-child-of-night]

adding ‘nothing much’ to my to-do list.

[wingedcatwithapaintbrush]

*whispering: you guys are safe now...the circle drained their strength and the buttons, along with whatever demons haunt them, have been contained. Just don’t mention them- they might hear you. And the buttons don’t like it when you ask questions...

*loudly: Hey everyone I am back!!! I’m all moved in at the new place and ready to start making new art! I’m thinking I need to make a dragon. I mean, am I really even a respectable blog if I don’t have dragons? I think the answer to that is no, so be on the lookout for fiery winged friends!!!!!!!

[dentaldamselindistress]

#what'sup is not a catch phrase

[vectorvioletvixen]

What'supppppppppppppppppp!!!!

[akumanoken]

Hello friend I am finally awake

[inkatansuri]

WHAT'S UP - 4 non blondes (cover)

[czzzzzarina]

What’s up

[Fair warning: This entry is raw, no editing and proof-reading was done]

I have been worn out and maxed out by my anxiety. I have been defeated on my own doing. I have regrets on how poor I handled the recent events in my life, but no regrets on the major decisions I made.

This started about half a year ago. My job started to shake me. People that I worked with surprised me on how they easily turn their back on me.But then I still defend and back them up when they needed it. I guess I got frustrated on how people treat me- so differently on how I value and trust them. It broke my heart, observing that no matter how I care for them, they will not care back at me. And then my anxiety grew heavier. I started waking up full of fears and I experienced crying on the commute going to the office. All I can think of is everything will be okay when the clock strikes 5 o’clock and that I can rest during sundays. I hate that I was only fueled by the money I get from that job and no more. I hated myself for hating the job I used to love. I hate that the excitement was replaced by fear. My confidence was gone and my job performance grow poorer and poorer that I cannot make my ow decision without confirming it to y superior. I hate that I couldn’t find any silver lining on what I was doing. I just wanted it to stop. My anxiety had eaten me. I whine all the time to my friends. I felt like I was a toxic person myself because my job was toxic to me. I hate that i was too weak to fight. 

And then one day, suddenly I felt it. That urge to send y own resignation letter because I couldn’t take it. I JUST WANTED IT TO STOP! The fear, sadness and sorrows that I was feeling for a long time. And so I quit.

For about a month, I felt relieved. I tried looking for a new hobby and developing other skills. Finally I sleep at night not feeling heavy and I woke up the next day hopeful for the next opportunity life will give me. And then I found my next job. I was happy and excited.

Little did I know, life will give me my next challenge. My special someone gave up on me once again. I guess he grew tired of me whining. He also held strong trying to motivate me to get better. I am still thankful for his effort but then he gave up fast, not even wanting to fix things or to take some time off to just breath. He just decided to leave me because he lost his feelings for me again. It was unfair.

I was too frustrated to go work like everything’s okay. So on my second week on my new job, I quit. I know it was wrong but I couldn’t handle everything. I wasn’t even okay for the previous anxiety attacks and then there it was again. I don’t have motivation to go on. I gave up. I was so close on visiting a therapist because that is how intense my frustration is. I cannot concentrate, I always feel like crying. I was not sad because my boyfriend broke up with me. I was upset because life was too bitter with me. I felt like the universe don’t want me to feel happy. That bad things happen to good people. I was so lost, until now.

Here I am unemployed until now. I can’t seem to find motivation. I don’t see the point of living if I am not happy.I hate that I feel this but I am allowing myself to get upset. Maybe I am handling it wrong but what the hell. Walang wala na ako! Wala nang mawawala sakin kasi kinuha na lahat ng pinaghirapan ko. Pinaghirapan ko yung career ko, maging magaling pero nawala dahil sa takot. Pinaghirapan ko ibalik yung relationship namin, pero nawala din dahil sakin.