#whathealsyourheart

[lifeafterjanelle]

Capture Your Grief Day 1: Sunrise Dedication (7:19am)

The sky was a beautiful dark blue that quickly gave way to soft gray, gold, and a touch of pink. Our back yard doesn’t give the best vantage point to see the sunrise, but it’s enough this morning.

Today starts my third round of #captureyourgrief this October, pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. It’s a time to remember, to dream about what could have been, to thank God for how he’s worked in my life over these last 2 ½ years, and to share in the stories of so many others who have shared in this strange and unique grief.

[hopeforisaiah]

Day #20 - Forgiveness + Humanity. My thoughts on forgiveness have always been the same. Forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about freeing yourself from what that person has done to you. Right now I need to work on forgiving myself. I don't have regrets, I wouldn't do anything different, and I know I did the best I could have done. I just need to be kind to myself.

[hopeforisaiah]

Day #19 - Music. I used to listen to Beyoncé's Beyoncé album all day every day, but I would always skip these last to songs. They played one right after the other and I just couldn't do it. I would always cry. I later learned that she wrote "Heaven" after a miscarriage. It's a beautiful song but it still makes me cry and hard to listen to.

[hopeforisaiah]

Day #18 - Seasons + Symbols. December and August are the hardest seasons for me. December was when Isaiah was due and August was when he was born. They are both hard for different reasons. I'm hoping one day they won't be but for now they still are. Some symbols that I associate with Isaiah are sunflowers because they where on the wall in the room he was born in and the flowers that were at his funeral, monarch butterflies because at his burial there was one butterfly that came and stayed the whole service.

[hopeforisaiah]

Day #17 - Secondary Losses. There have been many secondary loss that came after I lost my child. The innocence that comes with pregnancy was gone, the comfort of knowing your bringing home a baby, that bliss you feel while pregnant. Those things became apparent when I got pregnant again. But right after my son died my secondary losses that I didn't expect to happen were; I lost friends, I lost my job, I was broke, lost the ability to do my job (I was a nanny and just couldn't go back to someone else's "happy" family with their healthy baby), my feelings towards everything changed, everything was different and everything has changed.

[carpedana]

Day 15 | Community: Lighting a candle tonight for Miles, Anne, and all the other sweet babies who couldn't stay. And for all the mommas aching to hold their babies now and forever. There are a lot of us out there. #captureyourgrief #waveoflight #whathealsyourheart

[carpedana]

Day 5: Journal | I haven't been writing. At all. And I get upset with myself when I think about. I feel like I need to write down my thoughts before I forget them. And then I just don't do it. It's mostly because I have trouble focusing. I need to reserve all the mental power I have for work these days. Grief takes a tremendous toll mentally and physically. So, my neglected blog sits on the Internet and my thoughts swirl in my head, keeping me up at night. Blogging kind of makes me feel nervous and vulnerable. I wonder if I've put myself out there too much. Other times, I want to share my story with the world so Miles can have a voice even if he's gone. Most of the time, it helps me feel relief to pour out my grief in words - and maybe into someone's heart. I just need to risk falling down the rabbit hole of sorrow in order to do it. #captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart @carlymariedudley

[carpedana]

Day 4: Now | Living one day at a time. It has been almost 8 months since Miles died. I'm immensely thankful to have my older son Owen. He is truly my sunshine every day - my reason to keep smiling through the hurt. At the pumpkin patch recently, I saw so many moms with toddlers and little babies in tow. I couldn't help but think, "that should be me." I should be juggling two munchkins, too. It is not fair. Why did this happen? But it is not me and I have no answers to that nagging question. And I have to accept that. Some days are pretty good. Some days are really awful. The grief comes in waves. The constant: I've been changed forever and will always miss Miles. I'm lucky to have a great husband to walk through life on the "other side." I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have his support. #captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart @carlymariedudley