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Zaundads Week - DAY 5 - The Last Drop

Vander and Silco were Zaun's best Jaeger pilots until one mission ended in pain and betrayal. They vowed to never set foot in a cockpit again. Until tragedy strikes many years later and agree to pilot 'The Last Drop' once more.

#zaundadsweek2026 #zaundads #vanco #arcane #vander #silco #pacific rim au #god this is so late but work has kicked my ass #sidenote 'the last drop' is a fire jaeger name come at me #this is an AU i think about a lot #when i'm working

me: i would like to have a self and a personal identity

captialism: unacceptable it would be better to die than to be yourself subsume yourself or be destroyed

#i'm like not supposed to access my Blackness or my queerness or my autisticness #when i'm working #i'm supposed to like stow it in my locker #well i can't!!!!!!!

I need a moment. I’m back to answering questions about Thranduil again. I don’t want to, but I have to, I know. I think now the only difference between me and Lee Pace is the fact that he’s a guy and I’m a girl when it comes to Thranduil. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t anticipate this. I was hoping this would happen after I was dead like every respectable writer, @fortunatelyclevercandy. I just wish I knew if this thing is popular because it’s good or because I have an uncanny talent for mimicking sounds and my Thranduil talks like Lee.

Some guy asked me about why I don’t like all the attention outside of just interacting with readers

1) I suck at it.

2) I feel like I’m being interrogated and it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong even if I haven’t done anything wrong.

3) I always have flashbacks to that red carpet thing--when I got out of the car in front of the Egyptian Theater in L.A. to attend the Italian Film Festival and I was met with flashbulbs and yelling and all I remember is the door at the end of the carpet getting further and further away and I couldn’t get there fast enough. I felt horrible because I had two actors in two films that day and I was representing my talent agency. I hyperventilated and Chad Lowe had to get me a paper bag. I was so traumatized, they brought the car around to the alley so I didn’t have to go out the front. I’m not the only one that has panic attacks (Meatloaf is just as bad), but the thought of having to return to that scares me.

4) Doing this is hard enough with family--I don't have anyone to stand with me through all this. I’m all alone and furthermore, I’m afraid that if this book does get published, my family won’t like it. They tend not to like it when I do well. The only time my sister cared I got a voice over job for Li’l Amazing Ashley was when Oprah Winfrey gave out a couple hundred of them to poor girls in Africa so she had to tell the world her sister was the voice of the doll. My family’s like that. Just love me when something like that happens--not really any other time. I think I like pretending I’m a failure so they’ll be happy. No matter what I do, whenever I’m good at it, they notice and take the credit for it. I always hated being good at anything--I never enjoyed what I did even if I loved it. I was the only person not in my own high school graduation picture--my birth mother and adopted mother kinda pushed me out of it.

5) I always think people are thinking that I’m better than they are--no matter what I do. I don’t think about myself that much. I think I’m rather boring if you must know. I just like what I do. I’m not competing with anyone. I’ve been talked about a lot--none of it good. Nothing the least bit true, but it’s not the first time I’ve had to deal with it. I’m from Hollywood; you can’t go a block anywhere that someone isn’t talking bad about someone--sometimes it’s true, but often it’s not. It bothers me, but not enough to stop what I do because I love it too much to give it up.

I just think of the story in all of this mess. I want it to be good for my dad and to live up to what Tolkien might have liked. He was a professor after all. He taught about what he wrote and the history of such things. It’s a tradition just like playwriting is Shakespearean. I just want it to be good enough for them so they are always in my thoughts--dad and Professor Tolkien--when I write. I’m humbled when people think it’s good enough to sit on a bookshelf next to Tolkien, but I didn’t write it for that purpose. I just love writing is all. I think everyone is talented in their own way--they just have to find their story and tell it. This is just how I write. I don’t think about if I’m good, I just want the story to be--has nothing to do with me.

6) My hair is a mess; seriously. I just cut it off not long ago--not all of it, it’s still long on top. I had to; I was so stressed out about six months ago, I pulled most of it out. It grows fast, and most of it has grown back, but still, it’s a mess.

Looks a little like this, @fortunatelyclevercandy. Just a little longer. I don’t have a beard, thankfully. My hair is that color, though--especially in summer when the red and gold highlights show up and people think I dyed it. As a girl, of course I worry about appearances--the more this book gets noticed, the more anxious I get because there is really no way the world isn’t going find this fascinating--I’m a little black Country girl abandoned at a hospital at birth from nowhere that wrote a book about a tall blonde-haired Elvenking. Not just any Elvenking, but the Elvenking of Mirkwood. I don’t think it’s remarkable or unique, but considering who played the Elvenking in Jackson’s film trilogy, that is a lot of pressure--even if my king is more Tolkien than Jackson. He’s gorgeous, let’s not beat around the bush. Lee Pace is drop dead gorgeous--blond or otherwise. For the rest of his life, Lee Pace will be Thranduil--no matter what he does. He was very good, too. To have someone like me to come up from behind telling that story he didn’t know he was telling me just being Thranduil and putting it into Middle Earth isn’t easy; he’s a hard act to follow.

We are both Thranduil. I literally am becoming known for being Thranduil now myself (because I wrote Book II from his point of view) to the point I had to change my Facebook profile photo to Thranduil so people Googling me know who they were looking for and whether we know it or not, we are two parts of the same character created by Tolkien and that will be forever.

I do look like my avatar, and if it’s pretty, I give credit to the photographer (Alan Weissman). But that was the same year I met the elusive stranger--I gave him that and another headshot for some reason) and now I’m skinnier and paler having my illness go into remission but I like to look presentable. It’s a girl thing. I don’t want to look like I have been in a barn with a rooster.

If doing this book has taught me anything is that when you get past 2000 readers being confused with the grandfather and creator of the high fantasy genre and are tagged so much with Lee Pace people literally can’t seem to separate us from Thranduil, the odds of remaining obscure is probably not in my favor. And making the announcement I have to make at some point isn’t going to make this any easier. I have to decide between what my family wants and what I want--more so now than ever. That’s a hard thing to do and made harder still by the fact I have to do it alone.

I doubt anyone will remember me as Oropher or Legolas as much as Thranduil--I started this journey as Thranduil. I didn’t write the story from the POV of an onlooker. I couldn’t tell this story any other way but through the eyes of Thranduil. I don’t think this story could be told by anyone but Thranduil. I don’t regret that for one minute because I wrote what I felt should be written and will continue the same why whether I’m Orothôn, Oropher or Legolas.

This is the only thing that sets me apart from any other story. This is what came from inside of me. I’ve written many things but this was the first time I’ve written a book and from a place inside of me. I lived every minute of every word I wrote. If that makes me an author worth publishing, then let me become a real book one day.

“I am Thranduil, Elvenking of Mirkwood.”

#this is so strange #i'm happy #when i'm working #now this stuff #i can't avoid it #it's inevitable #it's inescapable #it's here now #need someone to talk to #can i write now #it's lonely #i am alone #time to face the music #this is thranduil's time to shine #i am thranduil

I left L.A. the same year The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings came out and started writing my book in 2015, 5 months after The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies came out.

I have eluded Hollywood for what is the equivalent of two trilogies and one book of a trilogy--which is related to the books the two film trilogies are based on and for 17 months, I have been attached to the actor that was the elf that I have been writing about in the second trilogy to the point someone wanted to kill me and his imaginary wife in my story. Me because we have the same model iPhone, NY hats (pink and black respectively), we drive SUVs and have pets the same color.

Last night, I had a dream about movie stars--in no particular form or fashion, but I could name few of them. I woke up to a LinkedIn message about the anniversary of my book and I received a call from a mysterious number with the recognizable area code of 213. I didn’t need caller ID to tell me it came from Los Angeles. I lived there for 4 1/2 years--leaving two months after meeting a mysterious stranger in my last acting class looked remarkably like Lee Pace.

I asked on Facebook nonchalantly “who’s calling me from L.A.?”. One person said, maybe a movie studio. I’m writing a book. Why would a movie studio be calling me? No one knows my cellphone number except those I give it to and a film studio isn’t one of them. I had a panic attack for about an hour before I just stopped.

You can only run so far before you catch up with what you've been running from.

I had to face reality--it was my choice to write my book. It was inspired by one moment in time by Lee Pace. I knew what I was getting into. I have to own that and anything that may come with it. It is what it is and what it was meant to be. There are no accidents in this world. Things happen for reasons we can’t explain. I traded one life for another and it seems to be leading right back where it started from--2001. Los Angeles.

In the back of my mind, within the depths of my soul, I missed the world I fit into like a glove--the world I started working in less than 3 weeks upon my arrival and worked non-stop for 4 1/2 years. The world I wanted to be in as long as I wanted to be a writer. I’m not much of an actor, though I can do it. I’m more of the writing kind. I always have been and will always will be. If I thought I would escape the other love of my life while doing another, I was sorely mistaken. I tried to avoid it for 10 years but then he came along and turned my world upside down and it hasn’t been the same ever since. This person woke me up without care or conscience and forced me to do everything I thought I would never do.

You wait all your life looking for the one person that will take you away from whatever it is that is holding you back and as you get older, no one comes and you live life with regrets while still longing for the one.

I realized that the one I was waiting for was me. Lee just made me see that more than any other person in the world. Everything I have done since the day I first wrote down “I am Thranduil” has been everything you imagined it would be--unexpected, challenging and wonderful. I am the one I’ve been looking for all my life. I went through many incarnations but I didn’t not come out until I became the six-foot-five blue-eyed, blonde haired Elvenking of Mirkwood. No one saw me until I saw myself. I was invisible looking in the mirror until I saw Thranduil. I didn’t like it at first but it wasn’t until someone noticed how happy I was and how free I had become that I knew I had found the one I was looking for.

I didn’t see the love of my life then because I was too busy wanting something that didn’t belong to me. I had to let go of something I knew I couldn’t have for something I needed far more.

Today, I just stopped running away. I couldn’t do it anymore. I finally found something I wanted to hold on to and I couldn’t run away from that. I love it too much. I knew that the minute there was nothing in this world that could keep me away. For the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to love something you didn’t want to lose.

So what if I have to run into Lee Pace one day? So what if I end up returning to the world of Hollywood either from L.A. or Edinburgh? So what? Would it kill me to just let things happen rather than make excuses for why I can’t do something? What am I afraid of?

Underneath that sweet boy exterior of Lee Pace, there is a panther--a fierce beast not afraid to take on anything. That Lee woke me up. That was the one that changed me and forced me to find myself again. That is a good thing. I owe him for that. Without that, I never would have finished my first book and on the second without missing a beat. He swaggered into my life for a reason. I needed it. I wasn’t looking for it, but I got it anyway. I didn’t ask for it--I didn’t even want it. But what we want and what we need are two different things. This was a gift you don’t give back. You treasure it forever.