#wherethekiteflies

[tenebrius-excellium]

Forgive yourself for not bouncing back well

[tenebrius-excellium]

Really funny when you're supposed to bless the people who stripped you of identity, because lmao. Who is even doing the blessing

[tenebrius-excellium]

To people who have moved a lot.

One of the most brilliant things I've ever done, I think, is to answer the question "are you from around here?" with "Yes".

It's for the people of the town that you want to commit your life to, even if you weren't actually born there, but if they knew that, they would never accept you as one of their own.

So when they ask me where I'm from, I say "here", and we're good.

I don't technically consider this to be a lie, because I want to make a life here. I WANT to be from around here, I want my kids to grow up here, I want to know every nook and every street corner and every willow tree by heart. I am actively investing in a local future at this place.

So I'm not going to have that ruined by becoming the person known for "having moved here some years ago". I am simply integrating myself into the local ease of familiarity by skipping the stranger part.

It's the greatest feeling in the world to be able to say that you belong somewhere, when you've moved a lot and don't really have a place to call home. So far, no one has trapped me by asking what school I went to or something. No one was interested that much. And when such a detail eventually does come up, I am now able to say that I chose this place on purpose a long, long time ago, and by now they know me, and so it doesn't matter anymore.

Highly recommend.

[tenebrius-excellium]

Another round of analyzing the abuse and why it's been so hard for me to put it into words... My parents seemed to just straight up not notice, or ignore any sort of emotion. I never got a response to displaying any kind of feeling... which can send me into panic / overdrive today when I don't feel heard. I have a question about that, if anyone thinks they know the answer... what makes someone do that? Like, what's the thinking behind not acknowledging someone's mood? Thoughts appreciated... context/examples under the cut

Some "normal", subtle stuff that happened all the time:

me crying silently and no one even reacting. Like. Do you know those family car rides where, after the initial rummaging, everyone just kinda settles into silence and does their thing? Yeah. Driver is driving, some kid is looking out the window, other kid is listening to music, someone is scrolling on their phone, someone is crying. No one says anything. It's treated as casual. No one goes "what's up?" or "what happened?" or "why are you crying?" It's treated as filing one's nails.

"If you don't stop screaming we'll leave you behind" proceeded to leave me behind. Or they just waited it out. Even in public. Everyone would talk about "oh my gosh, that girl cried for hours" as if I was aiming for a record or something?

failing to notice when I was sick or afraid, like "you're still doing the thing anyway, right?"

telling everyone and their mother "she's still figuring out what she wants in life" because what I want wasn't the preferred answer. It's like they tuned that right out

More extreme cases:

school shooting -> "hey, did you hear about the school shooting?" - "Yeah we heard" - "um...were you at all worried?" - "not at all [implied: We trust that God protects you]. lunch is ready"

not visiting me at the hospital even though I begged them to

same hospital visit: "Dad, can you call me please, I'm still nauseous and exhausted from the anaesthesia" - "huh, why don't YOU just call"

at the point where I explicitly text them: "Here is my address. You know where I live. I need you to come. I need you." - no response [implied: you're an adult]

telling me to go play with my middle school bully who put nails into the collar of my shirt because "you've been reading too much into it"

All of these actually happened.

When I tried to tell strangers about the screaming (which was pretty much the only wrongness I was aware of at the time because it only happened when I absolutely snapped in half) in attempts to ask for help, they usually said: "well, that happens. All families are flawed, no one's perfect, and what you're saying sounds fairly normal tbh."

...Let me, uh. Let me violently disagree.

EDIT: Not looking for sympathy points anymore. Not...anymore. I can tell you about most of these incidents with a straight face because I've moved past them. I just want the above question answered.

[tenebrius-excellium]

Would you believe that I ordered a copy of my thesis for myself only today because I couldn't afford it before,... (greatest feeling in the world to be finally able to do that btw) and the print guy saw the title and asked "Tumblr? What's that?" and I got to gush about it to him like "yeah it was a big thing roughly 15 years ago trust me it was great" (totally playing into Tumblr being dead because I'm too tired to explain and also not about to spill the secret that we're still alive) and he then went "ok describe to me in 1 sentence why it flopped" and I blurted out (very proud) "MONEY" - yeah that was funny lol

[tenebrius-excellium]

This year's first rose :)) <3

[tenebrius-excellium]

Tumblr and its complementary platforms

Just re-read my own thesis to check on something and there's this part where I inevitably had to briefly dip into Tumblr's... creative struggle of how to make money. Because it's part of the evolution of its ecosystem. And I immediately thought: Tumblr needs an equivalent to Redbubble.

Which then in turn, also immediately made my stomach churn because nauuuurrrrwwww that would be AWFUL. Tumblr the new Amazon Tumblr the new Etsy Tumblr the new IG Affiliate NO... no thank you.

And yet I still believe that Tumblr, so far, has completely failed to explore the potential of what I call its "complementary platforms".

Meaning: The Tumblr experience, in most cases, isn't only about Tumblr. Tumblr's userbase is most definitely amorously in league with multiple other internet platforms, most prominently with Ao3.

This is very important information. Just like Amazon's suggestions of "you may also like...", Tumblr people are simultenously present on other sites while maintaining a steady connection with Tumblr. What does that mean? How does that look like?

Tumblr is for blogging.

Tiktok, Twitter, movies and the news are our topical sources.

Ao3 is to share the fanfics which we talk about here.

Discord is for getting to know people better after meeting them on Tumblr, and to organize group projects such as roleplay, fanzines and more, which we then post about again here.

Ko-Fi is to donate money to people in need.

And Redbubble is to sell designs that often originated on Tumblr.

So listen what I WANT is. What I'd want, if there ever was an option to 'shop' on Tumblr, it would be in the way tipping had been established. Or those little music players that you can integrate into your blog. Like a quick, easy add-on. Like an extension. Idk. NEVER. And I mean NEVER. In the way Meta is currently moving to link Whatsapp to Instagram. It's heinous. It's horrendous. Whatsapp is the 'private' everyday chat app that is used for all personal conversations, bearing information such as a profile picture and a phone number. Instagram is the evil influencer shopping app. Now suddenly, apparently we are meant to have 'accounts' and 'usernames' in the chat app where ALL of the irl communication information is stored, like in a phone book. Naw. NEVER. And Instagram clearly recommends me reels that it directly took from my recorded phone conversations, despite me having disabled as much AI stuff as possible. Anywho. Back to topic.

This is just a couple thoughts I'm spewing, nothing fleshed out, nothing I'd hope to see implemented on this site, ever. But I have analyzed two decades of Tumblr in my thesis and I simply find it remarkable how we were able to stay unmarketable. Ungovernable. Free. While others sites are clearly making money because we use them ALONGSIDE Tumblr.

Hmmm.

[tenebrius-excellium]

Things currently on my mind...

Ertugrul is constantly lingering in the background. I'm obsessed with his peace. I don't know how to explain what I mean. But he has a peace of mind which I believe transcends his acting role, and it's marvelous. Want. Many men in his culture seem to have a peace fully mythical to westernized culture. However, I don't want to see this peace in men possibly at the cost of 'putting women in their place' or whatever, which is definitely something that's also happening in this culture at the same time, and I am admittedly at a loss as to how these two things do or don't relate. Is it this, or is it something else? I want men to have peace at being men. But I don't want to pay the price for that as a woman. Halime, his wife, doesn't have "women's peace", so this can't be it. I know I'm wrong in my thinking / assumptions here, but I can't seem to find what's right...

The woman that Shallan is. I read her and I'm screaming like "oh, what a WOMAN she is!" See, to become a trickster after abuse and to always make contingency plans and to see this as your 'fun' exploring because you have no identity and are looking for yourself... and yet this being the very same traits / behavior that actually make her competent and smart and intuitively talented and worth loving because she is who she is... and it didn't mute her shine... she is herself despite herself... and she is loved for herself... oh Idk. Adolin sees HER under the shadows and illusions like it's as easy as breathing. I... want that... for myself... and I KNOW from firsthand experience how rare it is. Shallan has a woman's peace. Anywho, WELL WRITTEN WOMEN. I'm a woman and even I can't do it. Much to learn here. Much.

Toothless also in the back of my mind. More than Hiccup these days. I think about what he does for Hiccup, the role he takes. This... unconditional defense, the listening, the physical protecting, the sass and absolutely telling him when he thinks something is bullshit instead of leaving him guessing. The intuitive syncing, the effortless single step. Dare I hope for ease

Yeah yeah I'm going through shit and coping by analyzing my favorite fictional characters again. tuning into them is how I grow. how are y'all doing haha