DEAR EL PRESIDENTE
By: Probably 1 of the 3,000,000 Voters that Trump’s Pissed Off At
Dear El Presidente,
As I write this letter, my only concern is the fact that you may not even get through the first sentence of this written emotional out pour. If worst comes to worst, maybe you can have your wife help you. Now that I think about it, shouldn’t she be in line with the rest of the banned immigrants? As I’ve mentioned before, but you probably couldn’t hear me over the sound of your own typing from your ridiculous tweets, this wall you plan on building will not be funded or supported by the country of Mexico. And apparently my confidential informant in America (that’s right you can’t ban all of us immigrants), Pedro El Chapo, says “Trump don’t give one flying Ivanka whether Mexico wants to pay for the wall or not!” Maybe I haven’t been clear. Do I need to use my hands to explain it? MEXICO. *waves hands around for no reason* NO. *waves hands around for no reason* PAY. *waves hands around for no reason* FOR. *waves hands around for no reason* WALL. *waves hands around for no reason* YOU. *waves hands around for no reason* THAT’S RIGHT YOU. *waves hands around for no reason* PROMISED *waves hands around for no reason* So thats right, ya oompa loompa behind gonna have to tell all your little oompa loompa friends that you are a liar. I bet all the taxpayers are gonna be thrilled to know that this wall has an estimated cost between 10 billion to 12 billion dollars. Thought I would ask, because you're the expert, with all that money how many golden showers could you afford with that? Nevermind. Unlike Russia, we could not give two showers about what you do in your free time. However, I do have to applaud you on one thing. You are the first president that somehow managed to piss off the entire population...in 140 characters or less. As an experienced leader of the country, I suggest you find some other form of social media. I heard Pinterest is pretty good, and it's really hard to piss off a bunch of soccer moms with pictures of how to lose that muffin top. One last thing, I must thank you. For what you may ask? You, and your main chick Kellyanne Conway, have now given every liar a new loophole---what is it called? “Alternative facts”? Well here is my final “alternative fact” for you! I, Enrique Peña Nieto, am so thrilled to see how you take on these next four years and “Make America Great Again,” whether it's through never showing us your tax returns, or completely disregarding the fact that Russia got yo ass on the tightest leash, bruh!
Sincerely,
The Mexican You Have Never Been So Eager to Throw Over the Border