Rapidly wrote this as a present to @caplanbuckybarnes, after talking about how we need more murder in Winter Soldier reader insert works
no beta we die like men
Tags: reader insert, murder, gun violence, the Winter Soldier
You’d been excited to see your friend. They’d been super busy lately, a new job with the Justice Department keeping them up at all hours, stressed out, when when they finally invited you around to their place for drinks- well who cares if it was two hours drive away, and out in the countryside, you were more than happy to spend the weekend hanging out and enjoying a little bit of a retreat.
The motorcycle in the driveway- that was new. Your friend had always been such a careful, cautious driver. Back in university, they’d always joked about motorcycles being “organ donations on wheels”.
The first red flag.
Then there was no answer at the door when you knocked. You waited, and waited. The lights were on, they were clearly home, maybe you should try walking around to the back door-
The splintered hole in the door registered before the pain in your stomach did. Wood splinters, a distorted circle, the paint chips- your brain had time to think about the visuals of it, before the white hot pain hit you. Staggering backwards, hands desperately clutching at your stomach, the world around you starts to spin.
You fall backwards off the front porch, crashing into the bushes, the pain of landing barely registering. Oh god, oh god, there’s blood, it hurts, the pain is blocking out- you can’t think! You might be saying something, anything, those broken noises of pain are probably coming from your mouth, but it’s so overwhelming that you can’t even really tell.
“Ple- ah, ah, please-”
He stands over you, reloading his gun with quick movements. He’s distorted in your sight, doubling, then tripling, in hazy, unsteady vision. Black mask, you wouldn’t be able to see much of his face even if you weren’t being overwhelmed by the bullet wound. One of his arms looks like it’s metal, but maybe that’s just the pain making things up.
“ah- oh god, god- hel-puh- help, help!”
You don’t even understand why. You won’t get the chance to understand why. He’ll be long gone by the time that concerned friends call the police, and your body will be found in the yard. Your friend’s body will be found in their kitchen, and the police will have no clue, no leads, as to why one minor employee of the Justice Department, and their long time friend, have been murdered.
Summary: Bucky thought his days of memory loss were done. But after a serious head injury, he can’t seem to remember anything past his time in Wakanda. But he’s starting feel like his life is missing more than just memories.
Word Count: 4,000
Part I
For once, Bucky got a good night’s sleep.
But when he woke up, he realized he’d dreamt about Y/N. Whether they were memories or his mind’s own creation, he didn’t know. She didn’t say anything. It was just…her. Like an old film reel without any sound. Just sunlight and clouds and Y/N.
Bucky splashed ice cold water over his face and on the back of his neck.
He stared at his reflection in the mirror.
He was growing frustrated.
Why was his mind so weak? Why couldn’t he just remember?
Bucky gripped the edge of the bathroom counter tightly, almost too tightly.
He went to the kitchen to get some coffee and try to make something good enough to be considered breakfast.
When he walked in, he found Steve and Y/N arguing in hushed whispers.
They were standing close, getting into each other’s faces. With Y/N’s height, they were basically eye to eye. There was no fear in her eyes as she faced the super soldier that probably had 100 pounds of muscle on her.
Bucky had never seen Steve so much as talk to Y/N when they were outside of training or missions.
Bucky was able to figure out that there was some sort of falling out between the two. From what, he had yet to figure out. He tried to just blatantly ask Steve, but he got nothing.
Y/N caught sight of Bucky’s entrance over Steve’s shoulder.
Steve followed her gaze.
Their argument immediately stopped, proving to Bucky that it had most likely been about him.
“Stay–” Y/N started to say to Steve and then her eyes widened, realizing that her words started off in a command. She was always so careful how she worded everything. She couldn’t make a mistake, accidentally taking away someone’s free will.
“Can you please stay out of it?” Y/N saved herself.
Her voice shook and Bucky swore there were tears starting to form in her eyes.
Despite hardly knowing her and Steve being his best friend, Bucky suddenly got angry from seeing Y/N upset. What the hell had Steve said to get her riled up?
Bucky stepped forward. “What’s going on?” But his tone was accusatory and he was glaring at Steve.
“Nothing,” Y/N snapped before rushing out of the kitchen.
As soon as she was gone, Bucky walked further into the room. “What the hell did you say to her, Steve?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Steve grumbled.
“Enough!” Bucky growled.
“I’ve been trying not to bother all of you. I didn’t want to make you guys solely responsible for filling in all the blanks in my head. But there’s something going on and I’m sick of being treated like some idiot.”
Steve seemed taken aback by Bucky’s reaction.
“So what the fuck are you all hiding?” He huffed.
Steve rubbed his face. He knew his friend had a point. “It’s more complicated than that, Bucky.” Then he sighed. “Maybe it’s time to call Shuri.”
“There’s a lot going on in Wakanda right now. She’s the lead inventor of a country and a royal princess. I don’t need to bother her with my head again.”
“She’s your friend, Buck. If you don’t reach out to her or T’Challa, I will.”
Bucky clenched his teeth.
“Why do you have to be stubborn about everything?” Steve accused.
“I’m sick of being everyone’s charity case, Steve. I can’t fix myself. It has to be everyone else that does it for me. I’m tired of it.”
He didn’t let Steve have the last word and stormed out of the kitchen.
—————————
“Can’t you get rid of the resting murder face just for a couple hours, man?” Sam asked Bucky as they stood at the bar.
It was Tony’s birthday.
Bucky was still surprised that Tony had befriended him after all this time, let alone even tolerated him. He murdered the man’s parents. Last Bucky remembered, Tony had been willing to break up the Avengers just to make sure Bucky ended up in prison for the rest of his life.
“I don’t belong here,” Bucky growled to Sam.
Here he stood in an all black suit, with a fancy drink in his hand. He was surrounded by people he didn’t know, most of them either rich or important.
Nat had tried to get him to slick back his hair and put it in a bun. But Bucky swatted her hands away when she even just tried to show him.
The suit was as good as it was going to get.
“Tony and you are friends now. Whether you believe me or not, you are. So try not to look so miserable,” Sam told him calmly.
Bucky just nodded. He knew Sam had a point.
Steve had been jumping around, getting pulled into too many conversations. Everyone wanted their moment with Captain America. It reminded Bucky of his days before he actually fought in the war, how Steve felt like a dancing monkey with no other purpose.
At least he didn’t have to get paraded around like that, Bucky thought to himself.
Then there was a figure walking through the crowd, at least an entire head above everyone else.
Bucky would recognize that height anywhere.
Y/N was strolling through the party like a celestial.
Despite already being significantly tall, she was still wearing four-inch stiletto heels. Her dress somehow managed to be both conservative and sexy, hiding her cleavage but shoving off skin in new places.
Sam watched as Bucky stared.
“Does she have a boyfriend?” Bucky asked shamelessly without taking his eyes off Y/N.
Sam smirked. “Nope.” He took a sip of his drink. “Most men are scared of her. Though…she doesn’t really make it easy for them.”
Bucky chuckled. There was a part of him that was relieved. Jealousy was not a good look on him.
Men and women eyed Y/N. It was hard not too with how much space she took up and how unashamed she went about doing it.
Women envied her statuesque figure. Some just assumed she was a model.
Some men couldn’t help but trail their gaze down her long legs.
“You’re not going to tell me what her deal is, are you?” Bucky asked.
Sam chuckled. “Nope.”
“Why not?”
Sam tossed back his drink then. “There’s a lot of things you have to figure out for yourself, Bucky. Whether that’s from getting your memories back or talking to her yourself, that’s your choice.”
He patted Bucky’s shoulder and mumbled something about going to find Wanda to showcase his new moves on the dance floor.
When Bucky turned back to the bar, he saw that Y/N was on the far end, waiting for her own drink.
Bucky hesitated before slowly moving to her side.
He could tell she immediately felt his presence without even glancing in his direction.
She didn’t say anything to him, but ordered a dirty martini from the bartender.
“Is this the part where you say I look beautiful?” Y/N asked without looking at him. Her tone was cold and bored.
Bucky smiled and shook his head. “Something tells me you would be unimpressed if I tried to give you the compliment.” Then he leaned closer. “Even though it’s a fact.”
“Words don’t really do much for me. Especially when they come from men who want something. In the end, their words are just…empty.”
Bucky chuckled. “You must see the irony, hearing that from you of all people.”
“I give commands, not truth.”
Bucky realized this was the longest he’d ever heard her talk.
“Have you ever used them on me?” He asked.
Y/N’s entire posture stiffened. His question was the thing that finally made her actually look at him.
“I would never do that to you,” there was nothing but sincerity in her statement.
Bucky felt like he’d achieved something by catching her off guard and throwing off her act, even if it was just for a few seconds.
“What if I asked you to?” Bucky asked. His eyes were playful.
Anger flickered across her face. She threw back her martini like it was a drop of water and slammed the glass back onto the bar. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” She growled before shoving past him.
Bucky watched as she walked with purpose. She made her way to Tony, not caring that she was interrupting a conversation. She whispered something in his hear and kissed him on the cheek. Then she gave Pepper a hug.
Bucky watched her entire exit.
—————————————
Y/N walked a step behind Steve and Bucky. It was like they were her two bodyguards.
No matter how much she’d proven herself to the two super soldiers, they both felt the need to look out for her on every mission.
They were in Japan, trying to track down the distributor of a drug that gave people short term effects of being enhanced. Steve and Bucky almost took it personally: somebody advertising that anyone could be like a super soldier, even if it was just for a few hours. What nobody was being told was the side effects almost always ended with the user being put in a coma or having a seizure, until they’re heart just stopped beating altogether.
The Avengers didn’t know that the distributor was waiting for them.
“I don’t like this,” Bucky muttered with a gun at the ready.
“That’s what you always say,” Steve answered quietly.
Suddenly there was a whistling in the air, almost like a bullet.
Steve and Bucky quickly turned at the sound.
But when they both turned to Y/N, she was pulling something out of her neck. It wasn’t a bullet, but it was a similar shape. When she looked at Bucky, her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she started to drop to the ground.
“Y/N!” Bucky called out as he dropped his gun and jumped to her, catching Y/N’s body in his arms before she could hit the ground.
“It’s a tranquilizer,” Bucky grunted.
Then there was a clapping.
Steve stood with his shield held high, putting it and himself protectively in front of Bucky and Y/N, who was now in Bucky’s arms.
Twenty something men stepped out of the darkness in front of them.
Steve and Bucky turned to see twenty more behind them, trapping them in the hallway.
Bucky cursed under his breath. His gun was still on the ground from rushing after Y/N.
A man walked out of the shadows. “We could not have your little siren using that tongue of hers against us, could we?” He said with a thick Japanese accent.
“But she did deliver both of you to me,” he added.
Bucky’s grip on Y/N tightened protectively.
“I will make you a deal,” he continued. “Give us the girl and we will let you walk out of here…alive.”
Steve narrowed his gaze. “I thought it was us you wanted?”
“I have no intention of improving my drug. It is selling fine, even with its unfortunate side effects.” He look at Y/N then. “But when I heard about her…I set my sights on something else entirely.”
“You even think about touching her–” Bucky snarled.
“You are outnumbered, Winter Soldier.”
“Bucky,” Steve warned quietly.
Yes, they could most likely take on all the men. But they couldn’t do that and keep Y/N safe at the same time. If a fight broke out, these men could easily grab her and make a run for it.
It took the team months just to find this hideout and now they knew it had been a set up. They’d wanted the Avengers to find them here.
“Put down your weapons and we will let you say goodbye,” the leader offered.
“Do it, Bucky.” Steve ordered. But he was also telling him, ‘The team has our coordinates. They will find us soon enough.’
Steve put down his shield and held his hands up in surrender.
A man stepped out of the shadows and walked up to Bucky, tearing Y/N’s unconscious body from his arms.
“You hurt her and I’ll save you for last,” Bucky warned venomously.
———————————-
When Y/N came to, there was a device over her mouth and she was locked to a chair.
Steve was off to the side, chained to the floor like some kind of caged animal.
But across from her was Bucky, who looked beaten up. He was chained up similar to Steve, but sitting in a chair underneath a harsh light.
Despite the blood and bruises covering his, when she met his gaze he was trying to tell her everything was OK.
Y/N looked around to see that all the men in the room were wearing devices in their ears.
They knew about her ability. And they were prepared. She couldn’t control them.
“All the legends have been traveling through my world for years. I must say I did not believe them until you started working with the Avengers.”
The same leader walked into the light, introducing himself to Y/N.
“All those mysterious suicides, no proof that they were staged,” he sighed. “It was all your doing, was it not?”
Y/N just glared at him.
He didn’t like that at all.
He turned and punched Bucky across the face. Y/N jumped at the sight and sound.
“They were your doing, yes or no?” He repeated.
Y/N quickly nodded.
“To think of what I could do with your power…” he thought aloud with a smile. “I wanted to see it for myself.” Then he signaled to one of his men, who then dragged in a beaten man who was crying.
“I want you tell him to beat his head into the floor until he kills himself,” the leader ordered.
Y/N looked horrified and stayed still.
Then the leader pointed a gun to Bucky’s head.
“Do it or there will be a bullet in his head.” Then he glanced towards Steve, “Or I will tell you to make Captain Rogers kill your lover.”
Bucky’s heart dropped at the word ‘lover.’
The man walked to Y/N and kneeled before Y/N. “He is your lover, is he not?” Then he read her face. “Or perhaps was… hmm? A lover’s quarrel?” He stood up, turning back to Bucky. “It does not matter. You still love him.”
Y/N was silently crying now.
Meanwhile, Steve and Bucky were desperately fighting against their restraints.
“Tell the man to kill himself or I will shoot the Soldier.” He held the gun to Bucky’s temple.
The man behind Y/N ripped the mouth guard off her face.
The only people in the room who would be effected by her powers was the trembling man on the floor, and Steve and Bucky.
Y/N was shaking and crying.
But she didn’t have a choice.
She gave the man the command and closed her eyes as she heard him beating his head against the hard cement floor.
Y/N was fully sobbing.
She didn’t open her eyes until the room went silent.
The man was laying dead, head and face covered in blood.
Y/N was shaking as she couldn’t take her eyes off the grisly corpse.
“There is more fun to be had,” was all the leader said before he and his men left the room.
Y/N was sobbing again.
“Y/N,” Bucky muttered. “Y/N, look at me.”
But she couldn’t.
“Y/N, there was nothing you could do. You didn’t do this. Do you hear me? This was not you.”
But she wouldn’t listen. She couldn’t even look at Steve and Bucky.
That’s how Tony, Nat, Sam, and Wanda found them.
Bucky didn’t even glance at them as they broke in. His eyes had been glued to Y/N the entire time.
As soon as he was cut free, Bucky booked it to Y/N.
He ripped her restraints.
“I got you, doll. You’re OK. We’re all OK.” He whispered over and over again. He didn’t even bother to see if she could walk, just picked her up in his arms.
Bucky didn’t let anyone get near her. He didn’t even think of letting her out of his arms.
He let Steve explain to the team what had happened.
Bucky didn’t snap out of it until Nat said she was going to take Y/N to her room, that she’d help her clean up and shower.
Bucky couldn’t be there for that.
After he showered too, he found Steve sitting at the kitchen counter, completely lost in his own thoughts.
Bucky leaned against the sink and crossed his arms. “We were together,” he muttered. “Y/N and I were together…and I did something to fuck it up.”
Steve just nodded.
What was the point of feigning ignorance now?
“You were best friends. And I got in the middle of you two because I hurt her.”
Steve nodded again.
Bucky rubbed his face. “What did I do, Steve?”
“You just…You need to talk to her, Bucky.”
—————————
Y/N hadn’t left her bed in 36 hours.
The blinds were down, so she didn’t even know if it was night or day outside. She was in her oversized black sweatshirt with the hood up, ignoring the fact that it was Bucky’s – whether he remembered that or not.
There was a knock on the door.
She assumed it was Nat or Sam bringing her something to eat or drink.
Y/N had made it clear that she wanted to be alone. Even stubborn and insistent Tony finally listened and gave her the space.
Y/N slowly made her way to the door, imagining she probably looks like a zombie.
But it wasn’t Sam or Nat on the other side of the door.
Bucky was patiently waiting.
“What are you doing here?” She whispered.
“I came to check on you.”
“I’m fine,” she lied.
“Can I…I just need…” Bucky stuttered through what he was trying to ask. “Fuck it,” he finally muttered before pulling Y/N into his arms.
He expected her to yell at him or shove him away.
But Y/N just let him pull her into his arms. She even gripped him tightly.
When he pulled away, Y/N was crying.
Embarrassed, she stepped away and quickly tried to wipe away the tears.
“Come here, doll.” Bucky whispered and pulled her back into his arms.
Once again, she didn’t fight him.
30 minutes later, they were sitting on the couch of Y/N’s room.
There was food half touched on the coffee table and Y/N was holding a glass of vodka on the rocks, compliments of Natasha. She’d stopped by with food and alcohol for her, surprised to find Bucky in her room.
Nat had given Y/N a silent look that asked, “Want me to get rid of him?”
But Y/N had merely shook her head.
Bucky didn’t ask any questions. The silence in the room didn’t make him uncomfortable. He just waited, let Y/N make the first move.
“You used to love me,” Y/N mumbled.
Bucky immediately wanted to correct her, but he knew this wasn’t his time to talk.
“We were together for…for over 3 years. In the beginning, we tried to keep it a secret.” She laughed darkly. “Between Nat and Clint, you can imagine how long that lasted.”
She took a sip of vodka.
“There was a new threat from Hydra. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just them showing up on the maps again. You had a confrontation with them, but you never told me what happened.” She swallowed. “It…panicked you.” Her eyes glazed over as the memory washed over her. “You started getting bad nightmares again. Your PTSD got worse. There was a night where you – I shouldn’t have woken you up the way I did.”
But she didn’t go into more detail.
Bucky could figure out what happened.
“You wouldn’t even let yourself sleep after that. You were exhausted and irritable. You started putting distance between us. You wouldn’t sleep in the same room as me. You wouldn’t even talk me anymore.”
A single tear fell down Y/N’s cheek and she wiped it away as she sniffled. “Then you…uhh… you broke up with me. You said you didn’t love me anymore. Said you might never have. You claimed you didn’t think you were even capable of love after the mess Hydra had made of your mind.”
Y/N cleared her throat as if it would also clear away all the emotions that escaped.
“That was 2 months before you took that hit and lost your memories.”
“Y/N, I–”
“I don’t want you to say anything,” Y/N cut him off. But it wasn’t a command from her abilities. “Please, just…I can’t hear it.”
Bucky was torn.
“You don’t remember me. You don’t remember us. So whatever you’re about to say…it doesn’t matter.”
Bucky took in a deep breath. “Do you want me to leave?”
Y/N nodded.
——————————
“I broke up with her to keep her safe,” Bucky thought aloud to Steve.
He hunted down his best friend after Y/N told him everything. There was nothing to stop Steve from giving his side of the story now.
Steve nodded.
“I did love her. I lied so she wouldn’t fight for me. I broke her heart so she would hate me.”
“Yeah, Buck.”
Bucky put his face in his hands.
“It was some Hydra agent. He didn’t have anything on you. All he had to do was say Y/N’s name and you lost it. You were convinced they’d come after her because of you. No matter what any of us said, you wouldn’t listen.”
Steve stared into his eyes. “You really loved her, Buck. I’ve never seen someone make you so happy. You started smiling and laughing – it was constant.”
“I still love her,” Bucky replied instantly. “I can’t…I can’t remember. But I swear, Steve, I can still feel it. That first time I saw her, I just had this feeling that I’ve never remembered having before.”
“You saw her,” Steve told him. “When she was invisible to so many people, it was the opposite for you. Like she was the only woman you could see.” Steve smirked then. “She didn’t make it easy for you. At the beginning, she pushed you away more than she let you in.” Then Steve’s smirk disappeared. “That’s why you hurt her so badly. She’d been waiting for the floor to drop out from underneath her for so long…and then you were the one to push her down.”
“You broke her heart,” Steve declared quietly.
Bucky nodded, already having figured out that was exactly what happened.
“And you two?” He asked Steve.
“I tried to stop it. I tried to tell her what was going through your head, that you hadn’t meant what you said. But she wouldn’t listen. And I wouldn’t stop. So, she pushed me away. Stopped talking to me. Would leave a room any time I walked into it. I guess just seeing me reminded her of you.”
Not only did Bucky rip himself out of her life, he unintentionally ripped Steve away too.
“When I told her what happened to you, that you didn’t remember her…she said it was for the best. She thought things would be easier that way.”
“We all tried to push you two back towards each other. But Y/N wasn’t having any of it.”
Steve sighed. “She’s scared. I know that now. She doesn’t want to get her heart broken again. She just figures the exact same thing would happen all over again.”
---------------------
Part 3
Honestly, first part had the lowest amount comments/reblogs of any story I’ve ever written. I’m assuming because I put that it was Tall!Reader. Writers can describe the reader as petite and short, and get away with it. But I guess people draw the line at the reader being tall. 🙄😑
The Only Hell I Know is Without You | Bucky Banres
A/N: I haven’t written in a very long time so I’m sorry in advance.
Warnings: Angst, swearing and mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts. It gets better I swear!
Because I know you’re lost when you run away, to the same black holes and bad mistakes.
Bucky knew exactly where to find you after the last mission had ended on a more than terrible note. He didn’t know why you liked this particular pub so much, but he hated it. It felt like every time you were here something bad had happened and you came here to either drown your anger and sorrow in bad beer or even worse men.
“Welcome to Dugan’s!” A small woman shouted from behind the bar as he stepped inside the dimly lit building. Bucky gave a nod to her before his eyes scanned the interior for you. The moment he found you his heart sank down into his stomach. For once in the three years that Bucky knew you, he had never once seen you cry. Until now. Slowly and cautiously he made his way to your booth where you sat with a tall glass of beer in front of you and he was thankful you were not preoccupied with another stranger. His heart ached as he slid in front of you and heard you try to contain the sobs that made your body tremble. “Y/N” Bucky spoke softly, causing you to tilt your head up and stare at him. His first instant was to reach out and hold you, to make you feel safe and okay again, but he refrained in fear that you would pull away.
“They’re dead because of me” You said before a fresh wave of tears stained your face. “I fucked up Bucky..I..can’t..how do I fucking live with this?” You tried to swallow the hard lump that formed at the base of your throat but couldn’t quite manage. Bucky watched as your hand curled into a fist beside your beer. “You did what was necessary” He spoke, finally meeting your blood shot eyes. “Necessary?” She questioned, your sadness bubbling into anger. “How is killing civilians necessary?!” As your sadness faded into rage aimed toward yourself Bucky lost the self-control to not touch you. His hands wrapped around your wrists loosely and his thumbs worked on rubbing small gentle circles on your skin. “It was necessary because if those three people didn’t die then a thousand more would have. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow but you can’t save everyone all of the time, Y/N” He spoke quietly. “People die. Even though we try they die” He added.
“But I could have..” Your voice trailed off as you focused on his thumbs making patterns on your skin. You hated to admit that he was right. You hated even more that he was able to soothe you so quickly. A few moments passed as the two of you sat in silence. You were thinking over his words as he was thinking over how he should admit that he has been in love with you since the day you met. “Bucky..” You finally broke the silence as a sudden wave of exhaustion hit you. Between the crying and the beer the only thing you wanted now was to sleep. “Can I stay with you tonight? I don’t think I can be alone tonight not stable right now. I don’t want to do something I’ll end up regretting in the morning” You said, knowing that the man in front of you knew you better than anyone else. He didn’t make you elaborate, instead he gave you a nod and moved to slide from his booth. You followed suit, making a stop at the bar to pay for your beer before you followed Bucky out of the pub.
One day the Earth will open wide and I will follow you inside because the only hell I know is without you.
“You wouldn’t actually..?” Bucky trailed off as you walked side by side. “I wouldn’t kill myself if that’s what you’re asking..running away is a possibility though” You answered, meeting his worried eyes with wide sad ones. “But I..I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for getting those civilians killed”. Bucky stopped suddenly and turned his body to you. His metal arm rested heavily on your shoulder as his flesh had gently wiped away the fresh tears that fell on your cheek. “Y/N” His voice was lower now, deeper with the emotions that coursed through him at the thought of losing you. You tried to look away from him but the way he held your face forced you to look into his eyes. “You can’t leave me or hurt yourself over this Y/N” As he spoke, he pulled you closer to him. “What happened..we all have blood on our hands. It doesn’t get easier, but you get through it” He pressed a soft kiss to the top of your head before pulling away to look at your face again. You wiped away your tears with a soft sigh. “I know..I know but the wound is still so fresh Buck” You admitted, your shoulders slumping in defeat. “I know, darlin.. but you have to stay..” He gently cupped your face in his hands. Before you could counter to reassure him you didn’t plan on dying or leaving tonight his mouth was moving again.
“You gotta stay because I just now got the courage to tell you that I love you and I can’t.. I won’t lose you” His words came out rushed, jumbled together but still hitting you full force. You stared at him for a moment as your brain and chest registered that he loved you. Bucky, your best friend who you had more than best friend feelings for reciprocated the feeling. You stayed silent as your brain battled your thumping heart. “Bucky I..” He silenced you with a soft kiss. “You don’t have to say anything tonight Y/N,,I know your emotions are running rampant right now.. just stay with me tonight and we can discuss this in the morning” He assured you. And for the first time since you got back from the mission your eyes stopped crying. Silently you wrapped your arms around Bucky and leaned your head on his chest. “I love you too Barnes” You whispered quietly. And for the first time that night everything felt alright.
My 3rd and final fic for @until-theend-oftheline 1k MCU challenge :) and despite my laptop doing a Thanos and deleting half my damn drive, I've just managed to get in before the deadline :) my prompt for this fic was 'there's times where I want to get slapped during sex by a girl wearing a Zorro mask. It doesn’t make it a good idea!' and is in bold
Word count: 1,222 words
Characters: Reader, Bucky Barnes, Tony Stark (mention), Bruce Banner (mention)
Warnings: swearing, mild injury to reader, mentions of Bucky's back story, heavily implied smut
“Could you breath any fucking louder?!” You whisper yell to the cause of all your problems.
“Yeah, actually, I probably could! Will you calm down?” James Buchanan Barnes, the Winter Soldier himself, whisper yells back at you.
“Calm down? Sure, I'll do that. It's not like we're trapped in an office, no back up, barely any ammo between us, and at least 20 Hydra agents sweeping the building. What's there to panic about?!”
The explosion from a couple of floors beneath you shakes the building, making both you and James grab at anything bolted down for stability.
“What was THAT?!” You do actually yell this time, shaking your head to clear the ringing in your ears.
“New weapon Stark designed. Should buy us enough time to get to the roof...”
“You better have an extraction plan you've been keeping quiet Barnes!” Grabbing your bag and your practically useless gun, following Barnes into the stairwell and groaning as you look up to see at least 20 flights of stairs above you.
Twenty-three flights of stairs later, the two of you burst out onto the roof, Barnes turning round after you've come through and using his metal arm to crush the lock of the door, holding off anyone who's behind you.
“Jesus. I need to do more cardio. I swear this stitch in my side hurts more then this slash in my arm.” You say between deep breaths.
“Let me have a look.” James says, taking hold of your arm and using just the moonlight to see by. Benefits of the super serum running through his veins. As he moves the frayed edges of your uniform away from your skin, you watch his face soften slightly, one strand of hair falling forwards, and you have to resist the sudden temptation to push it back.
“It's not too bad. The blood just makes it look worse than it is.” Oh right. Your arm. You'd practically forgotten about that while focusing on the way the muscles in your partners neck and shoulders moved, and how this one line of sweat rolled down into – “Chameleon? Y/N?”
“Huh? What?” Fucking hell Y/L/N. Pull yourself together. It's just Barnes. The same guy that always eats the last of your Oreos and never replaces them.
“You OK? Did you knock your head or something?”
“No. I'm fine. Honest. What now Barnes?” In answer, James grabbed your hand, leading you to the side of the rooftop. Damn. Has he always had this firm, yet soft grip?
“See that fire escape over there?” The fire escape in question is several flights below, but more importantly, on a different building.
“Yeah?”
“We're jumping over there.”
“WHAT?! Are you crazy? You might manage that jump but I sure as fuck can't!” Pulling back from Barnes, you give him an incredulous look.
“You can. Because you're going to use your powers.”
“No. No. Not happening. Nope.” Comes your reply, shaking your head so hard you might give yourself whiplash if you don't stop soon.
“Y/N...”
“No! Damn it Barnes! This was your plan?”
“Yes. I know you hate using your powers on us, but some times you have to. This is one of those times.”
“Yeah. Well, there's times where I want to get slapped during sex by a girl wearing a Zorro mask. It doesn’t make it a good idea! This is the same sort of thing, OK?!
“A Zorro mask? Really?”
“That's what you took from that?” The exasperated sigh tumbles from your mouth before you van hold it back.
“Well, I already knew that you're bisexual. Now, come on. One touch, you turn into me, and you get the super soldier benefits needed to jump over there.”
“Please, Bucky. Please don't make me do this.”
“That might be the first time you’ve called me that.”
Gunfire suddenly rings out behind you, and you yelp as a bullet breaks through the door and catches you in the thigh.
“Damn it! Y/N! Come on!” Barnes yells, and you know that as much as you’re going to hate these next few moments, better this than ending up dead. Letting your eyes turn to solid black, you reach out and tap James on the shoulder.
“Damn. How do you lug this arm around?” The question coming out in your now deep voice has the real Bucky laughing.
“You get used to it. Ready?”
“As I'll ever be.”
It's late as you shuffle your way through the halls of the tower, Bruce having taken a ridiculously long time to give you the all clear. You've got a bandage going round your arm, and a couple of stitches holding your thigh together. You know you should be heading for your bed, but instead your feet take you down a couple of floors, to the rooms James has as his own.
Knocking on the door, once, then a second time, you're turning away to go your own rooms when the door opens, and you spin round on the spot to be faced with a dishevelled Barnes. His hair is sticking up in five different directions, and his sweatpants hang low on his hips. But what makes your mouth drier than the Sahara is the distinct lack of a t-shirt.
“Y/N? You OK?”
“Huh? Oh. Um, yeah. Doc finally cleared me.”
“Adrenaline rushing through you still?”
“Yeah.”
“Here.” James says, opening the door wide enough for you to slip under his arm. Making your way to the end of his bed, you perch awkwardly, not really sure on what to say or do next.
“You want to talk about it?” James sits down next to you, the warmth from his body comforting you in a way you never expected.
“Kind of. Why did you make me do it? You know I hate using my powers on anyone on the team.”
“There was no other choice doll.”
“There's always a choice, Bucky.”
“Twice in one day. I'm honoured. Normally it's James, or Barnes.” His smile is small, but brings one to your own face.
“We don't really know each other well enough for me to call you that.”
“Well, for a few minutes you were me. I think that's enough to stop being so polite with one another.”
“Promise me you'll never force me into that again?”
“This is a big thing for you, isn't it?” Worry flicks over Bucky's brow, and you reach one hand out onto his face.
“What you had, with Hydra? The way they messed with your mind? My story's not much that unlike yours.”
“I'm sorry.”
You hum in response, and silence falls between the two of you. Your hand is still on his face, but instead of moving it off, your thumb starts rubbing along his cheekbone.
“Y/N...”
“Yes Bucky?”
“I don't want...if you don't leave...”
Your hand slowly falls away, and you stand up, only long enough to turn, push Bucky flat onto his back, and crawl up to straddle his lap.
“Don't think. This...” You break off to grind your hips into the muscle underneath you, “...is a good idea.”
“Doll? Shut up and kiss me already.” Pushing yourself up to hungrily lock lips with the super soldier, one thought above all else crosses your mind as Bucky's hands grab onto your waist and flip you over. This is actually a great idea...
“I can’t stop crying” with Bucky please?? But please don’t rip my heart out??
I tried not to rip your heart out... fingers crossed your heart’s still intact.
You knew you were probably just being paranoid, but you could swear someone was following you. You’d been walking for three blocks and there was only one to go until you got to your apartment, but you could just feel the presence of someone behind you. Someone who wasn’t as friendly as you were hoping they were.
The thought that Bucky was home and up in your apartment a block away was what was keeping you going. The moon was high in the sky, illuminating the street around you, but not enough to provide any sort of protection. Your hands were balled up into fists in your jacket pockets and your breathing was heavy as you tried to pick up your pace.
Behind you, the steps got faster. So did your heartbeat.
You let out a shaky breath, trying to calm yourself down. You could see your apartment building up ahead and ventured a quick glance behind you. It was quick, but not so quick as to miss the person slipping into an alley you’d just passed. Your heart beat quickened and your hands started to shake. Tears started to cloud your vision.
Trying not to seem spooked, you walked a little faster, crossing the road that brought you closer to your apartment building and closer to Bucky. Your hands were shaking as you tried to unlock the door to the lobby. Once you were inside, you’d be safe. It took a second to get the key into the lock, and you could see the person advancing once more in your peripheral vision.
Finally the key clicked and you hurried inside, closing the door behind you and hurrying towards the elevator, pressing the button a million times in the hopes it’d move quicker. As soon as you were safe inside it, you let out a breath, trying to calm yourself down before you got to your apartment, but as soon as you felt the tears start to fall, you knew you were done for.
Bucky didn’t notice your tears immediately. He was laying on the couch, paying half-hearted attention to some show on tv, but as soon as he heard you sniff, he was alert and ready to find and hurt who ever hurt you.
He was by your side in an instant, hands moving to cup your cheeks and wipe your tears away. “What happened? Tell me what happened, doll,” his voice was quiet, comforting, and you finally felt properly safe for the first time since you’d stepped inside.
You leaned into his embrace, sighing softly. You were safe. But the tears didn’t stop.
“Doll, tell me what happened,” Bucky pressed softly again.
You finally found your voice. “There was someone– someone following me home,” you mutter. “For four blocks… they just followed me. I– I was terrified. I don’t–” you glance down at your still shaking hands. Bucky’s eyes follow.
His hands instantly move from your cheeks to your hands, holding them tight. He pressed a kiss to the top of one to try and comfort you, even though his first instinct was to run outside and locate whoever the hell was following you.
“I can’t– I can’t stop crying,” you muttered, your voice almost as quiet as a whisper, tears still cascading down your cheeks from your fear.
Bucky pressed a kiss to your forehead, arms moving to wrap around you and hold you close. “You’re safe now, doll. You’re safe, I’ve got you,” he assured you, rubbing your back softly. “Just breathe, breathe.”
You follow his advice, breathing in and out slowly, trying to get your bearings back. But all you could think of was the sight of that person following you. What if they got inside the apartment? What if they knew you were in this apartment? You shook away the thought – Bucky was here. No one would get past him, not when it came to you.
The feeling of Bucky’s hands rubbing your back assured you of that.
Bucky kissed the top of your head, still holding you close. “I’m never going to let anything happen to you, I promise you that,” Bucky said. “Not in a million years will anyone ever touch you, okay? I need to hear that you know that.”
You nodded. “I know that. I know, Buck.”
He stroked your hair with one hand. “Come on, let’s get you into bed, yeah? I’ll stay with you, doll,” he whispered. “I’m not leaving your side ever again. You’re safe now. You’re safe.”
AU: Fury tries to recruit Y/N for the Avengers without knowing about her deep secret with HYDRA. She refuses to join in fear that they’ll discover her abilities. But that doesn’t stop the Avengers.
Part1 | Part 2 | Part 3
MASTERLIST
Y/N breathed in and out slowly as she waited for the elevator. That meeting with Fury opened up her eyes.
They knew everything about her and it was only a matter of time that they find out the truth about Sarajevo. They’re SHIELD. It’s what they do.
She has no choice but to move out again. She’ll call her old Sergeant, the only person she think of as family and a close friend. Y/N will stay low for a while. She won’t let SHIELD know about her anymore.
DING
Y/N stepped in the elevator and sighed. She has to start packing again.
“Hold the door!” someone called out. So she held up her hand to stop the elevator doors from closing. Then she was looking up at a man with blonde hair and blue eyes and an extremely well built body structure.
“Thanks, Ma'am.” he nodded at her and stepped inside, pushing button to go down.
This was Captain America. Steve Rogers. An Avenger.
Y/N nodded back at him and stood as quietly as she can next to this superhero. But she can feel Steve’s gaze on her. He would look away but then he’d look back again.
“I’m sorry but are you Miss Y/L/N–” he started to say but then was cut off by a ding, signaling that the elevator has stopped at a floor. Steve stopped talking as a few men in business suits went inside the elevator and went down with them. Even with these men, Y/N can still feel Steve looking at her.
Then the floor stopped at the ground floor and, avoiding Steve, she walked out the elevator and outside into the parking lot as fast as she can. Hopefully the amount of people in the building’s lobby helped her lose sight of Steve. He was tall and can see from a distance. But she blended too well among the crowd.
When she got to her car, another one, a more stylish and expensive yellow Ferrari parked beside her. Then a black haired man with a trimmed goatee and a posh suit came out with what seems to be a glass phone on his hands.
“FRIDAY, notify the building that I’ve arrived.” he said.
“Already done, sir.”
“And tell Fury that he interrupted my daily reactor imp—I’m sorry. FRIDAY, are you seeing his woman in front of me?” he said, as he stopped to stare Y/N.
“Sir, that is Miss Y/L/N. The subject of your meeting today with Director Fury and the Av—”
“Yea yeah. Okay.” he smiled at her. “If I’d known you were this pretty I might have come earlier. I’m Tony.”
“Stark. Yes. I know. And you can stay at home for all I care because I won’t be coming back here.” Y/N said as she slid in her own car and started the engine. But that was before she heard Tony chuckled.
“We really must get her on the team.”
Ignoring his remark, she drove away and never looked back. Not at Tony. Not at Steve. Not even at the building.
What for? She won’t see them again anyway.
Right?
First Sergeant Johnston served almost all his life in the military. He learned that when you’re out there in battle, everyone on your side is your family. And when he finished his time in the field, he opted out for a job in the US Army Recruiting office. His job was to take in civilians and introduce them to the life of a soldier. His job was to make his warrior family bigger and stronger.
It was his personal attributes that compelled Y/N to trust in him with her life. Now, he had his own family. He had a wife and three kids. But he was willing to open it up for Y/N, a former member of his platoon when he served in Iraq.
Now Sergeant Johnston serves as Y/N’s friend and confidant.
“I still don’t understand why you turned down SHIELD. I mean, as a soldier, it’s an honor to be working with people who protects the nation. The world, even.” he said.
Taking a swig of her beer, she shook her head. “They are destroying the balance of this world, Sergeant. A nuclear deterrent? Other countries would want to build something like them in hopes of beating the US.”
“But their actions has nothing but for the protection of the people.” he said, gesturing at his family. They were in his home and his wife and kids have invited her over for dinner. Just like usual. “I want to protect my family, Y/N. But I’m growing old, yes. So as long as you’re young, you have to do your best to protect those you love most.”
“He’s right, you know.” Sergeant Johnston’s wife came up to them and smiled. “Love is what makes you strong.”
“Yeah and we still don’t know if you play for the other team actually.”
“Andrew!” his wife scolded him playfully. “What he means to say is, that as long as you want to protect someone, you have to make sure that they are willing to protect you, too. And SHIELD seems like a powerful institution.”
Y/N smiled and thanked the couple. What they said was true. But she still can’t explain to them the real reason she can’t let herself join SHIELD.
After dinner, Y/N said her good bye’s and went home to her own apartment. It was dark and she threw her bag and keys on the desk and went over the window to close it again. It was another night when the moon was glowing again. She hated that.
Then she went over to her closet to change. After turning on the light, her eye caught sight of the uniform hanging from the corner. It was her old Army uniform. It had all the awards she’d earn. The ribbons she’d received. The honors she was given by the country she fought wars for.
Y/N denied it for years after she quit the army.
But she wanted war. She craved for it. She was hungry for more and it pained her.
Y/N did all she could to forget the war.
She wanted peace.
But she lusted for war.
It was in her body. It was embedded in her.
Then suddenly, Y/N froze. She went as still as death. Listening for the sound that caught her attention.
It came.
And it grew faster and faster approaching.
Her front door were broken open and soon mean in black suits and guns came barging in her apartment. Y/N quickly grabbed the pistol hidden in the back of her closet and pointed at the armed men.
They shot at her and she crouched down, using the wall as shield. There seemed no end to them. Y/N shot at them as she pulled herself towards her window, all the while still crouching and covering her head. They’re getting closer to her and whoever they are, they came prepared with loads of ammo.
Shooting the rest of her bullets, Y/N suddenly jumped out her window. She felt the strong pressure of the air brush through her as she fell and when she was almost close to the ground, Y/N slowed herself down until her feet hit the concrete. When she was standing on the ground, Y/N looked up and saw the men pointing their gun at her.
That’s when she took off running into the streets at night. Y/N ran as fast as she can into the alleyways, away from people.
“Stop right there!” she a man called out behind her. It was the armed men. They were chasing her.
Slipping into more deserted streets in the dark, Y/N can see her end is nearing. Soon the street she was in was blocked by a brick wall and then she was surrounded.
“Miss Y/L/N. You’re coming with us.” one of them said.
“The hell I am.” she snarled. There was no helping it. She has to use it against them in order to survive. She willed her abilities to be concentrated at the palm of her hands and got ready to fire.
But then there was a bright light and something heavy dropped from the sky. Y/N noticed that it was a large man with a cape and she watched as he swung his weapon, a hammer, and smashed it onto the concrete, leaving a an impact so strong that it caused the armed men to fall back and collapse.
Y/N realized that there was small bits of lightning coming from his hammer. It was another Avenger. It was Thor.
James Buchanan Barnes was the most the notorious mobster of New York City. He was rich. He was powerful. He was feared. But something – or rather someone – made him realize his life meant so little to him. | Mobster!Bucky x Fem!Reader
Summary: Bucky gets reminded of his time as the Winter Soldier. Only this time, he’s forced to face the victim of his assault.
Pairing: Bucky x Fem!Reader
Word Count: 8,088 - One Shot
Warning: There are themes of rape and torture in this fic! This is NOT smut.
Steve glanced over at Bucky and knew that his best friend was nervous. He gripped his shoulder. “You know you can wait in the jet. We’ll call if we need reinforcements.”
Bucky snapped out of his thoughts. “No. I need to do this.”
They were about to land at a Hydra base near Siberia. It wasn’t where Bucky or the other Winter Soldiers had been kept, but it was close. Bucky had been cleared to go on missions for months now. T’Challa and his team had eradicated his brainwashing and developed an even better metal prosthetic.
However, Bucky hadn’t faced anyone from Hydra since his recovery. Of course Steve, being the overprotective friend, was worried it was too much, too soon for Bucky.
“We’re 5 minutes out.” Nat announced.
It was a smaller team today: Steve, Bucky, Nat, Wanda, Sam, and Vision.
They didn’t know what they’d find at the base. There could be people cowering inside or it could be abandoned.
“Just let me know if it’s too much.” Steve muttered as they felt the jet landing.
“Stop treating him like he’s made out of glass, Steve.” Sam walked up beside them, wings strapped to his back and pulling his goggles down.
Steve glared at him, but Bucky had a little side smirk. He pretended to be irritated by Sam, but he had actually grown quite fond of the man. Their bickering was one of the few interactions he had with people on the team.
The rest of the team walked up behind them. They’d already gone through the plan. Everyone knew their jobs. They all double checked their comms before stepping down the lowering platform.
“It is rather quiet.” Vision in his peaceful tone. He hovered a few inches off the ground as his eyes scanned the area.
“Pretty eerie.” Nat scoffed.
“Sam, are you getting any heat readings?” Steve asked.
“Nah. It’s cold.” His voice was calm, further proving that he didn’t feel there was any immediate threat.
“Well, that doesn’t mean we’re alone.” Steve reminded everyone.
“I-I feel something.” Wanda gasped. They all looked at her. “It’s faint. Someone…or something is here.”
“Let’s split up. It’s too much ground to cover. We’ll be here all night if we stay together.” Steve instructed. “Wanda and Vision. Nat and Sam. Bucky you’re with me.” Bucky all but rolled his eyes to the back of his head. Of course he paired them together.
A few minutes later they were stealthily walking down a dark hallway. The whole thing was constructed with concrete. But pipes must have burst at one point because the whole place was damp and smelled of mold. It sent chills down everyone’s back.
“Is any of this ringing a bell?” Steve asked quietly.
“Vaguely.” Bucky admitted. Though his brainwashing had been cured, his memories were still slowly returning. The doctors said he might never get it all back. But every month, he remembered more and more.
But Bucky spoke too soon. His heart quickened when they reached a hallway that went off to the right. It was more narrow than the others. At the end of it was a door. But it was unlike the others they had passed at this area: it was a vault. Bucky couldn’t help but be drawn to it. Steve watched him silently, understanding that he had a sudden burst of familiarity.
Steve put his finger to his ear. “Standby everyone: we might need back up.”
“We reached a dead end already. We’re circling back to you.” Nat responded.
Bucky gently placed a hand on the rusty metal.
“Do you remember the combination?” Steve asked quietly.
Bucky closed his eyes and slowly nodded. “I-I actually think I do.” He blinked a few times as he started turning the lock right, left, and then right again. Both of their super-senses heard the clicking of the lock being undone. Bucky looked back at Steve, sharing a look of surprise.
Bucky pulled the heavy handle of the vault and pulled it open.
Their eyes were met with complete darkness. Bucky already had the flashlight at the end of his gun on. He led the way. Meanwhile, Steve grabbed a flare from one of his pockets. He lit it up and tossed it on the ground as soon as he stepped through the fault.
The inside was completely dry and preserved, unlike the rest of the building.
But none of them noted this. They were too busy staring at the body. It was laying on a cot in the corner of the fault. A metal cuff was around their ankle and then chained to the floor.
Bucky’s brow furrowed when he tried to push his mind to remember more. He’d been here before. When he got closer and closer to the body, something clicked. He rushed forward then, despite Steve’s protests for him to be careful.
He tossed his gun aside, making Steve think he had lost his mind. It was a young woman, Bucky remembered her now. He remembered this whole place.
She was wearing only a grey sports bra and baggy sweats. Her ribs were practically jutting through her skin, making it blatantly obvious that she had nearly starved to death.
Bucky’s hand shook as he put a finger to see if she had a pulse.
“She’s barely alive.” Bucky stated.
Steve watched him carefully and saw his expression change. “Do you know her, Buck?”
He didn’t look at Steve, just stared at the woman and nodded. But then he backed away as if even being close to her was a danger. He picked up his gun again and pressed himself against the wall as far away from her as possible.
“Wanda, can you meet us?” Bucky asked his comms.
“I felt it. You found her.” She gasped. “Vis and I are on our way.”
Steve was confused by Bucky’s reaction. “Is she dangerous?”
Bucky shook his head.
“Bucky, talk to me. Who is she?” Steve whispered.
But he just stared at the ground with a pained expression. Steve couldn’t tell if he was so lost in his head that he actually didn’t hear him or he was just ignoring the question.
The rest of the team came running into the vault with their weapons raised.
“It’s fine. It’s fine. Lower your weapons.” Wanda commanded. Everyone relaxed. But their eyes quickly fell on the lifeless body in the corner.
“We have to bring her back with us.” Wanda whispered with a heartbroken face.
Steve nodded in agreement. He strapped his shield to his back and took a step forward.
“No!” Bucky yelped, making Steve stop. “Please…Just-just don’t touch her. Wanda, do you think you can…?”
Despite every one else’s confusion, Wanda nodded and gave him a reassuring look. Waving her hands, red light came rushing from her and wrapped around the girl’s body. The red magic shattered the chain around the girl’s ankle. Wanda’s powers lifted her off the ground and she levitated a few feet into the air. She led the way with the body floating just in front of her as they all headed back to the jet.
Steve stayed behind a bit when he saw Bucky trying to put as much space between him and the girl as possible.
“Bucky, are we bringing something dangerous back to the compound?”
He shook his head as his eyes stayed glued to the ground. “She’s harmless.”
Steve didn’t ask anymore questions. Clearly Bucky wasn’t ready to talk about it. But he would have to explain at some point.
When they were close to landing at the compound, Steve saw Bucky talking to Nat and Wanda as he flew the jet. The two women kept nodding their heads as Bucky spoke. A few minutes later, Nat came to sit in the co-pilot’s seat.
“What did he say to you two?” Steve asked her quietly.
“He asked that we stayed with her. Said to make sure men kept their distance when we took her to the med wing. We already called Dr. Cho.” Nat answered. “Did he explain any of this to you?”
Steve’s jaw tightened. “He knows her. But he wouldn’t tell me anything.”
“That place hasn’t been in operation for months. There’s no way she could’ve survived that long without food or water.” Nat thought aloud.
“Maybe they moved her there recently and made a run for it?” Steve suggested.
Nat nodded, contemplating the idea. Then she glanced behind her. “The way Bucky’s looking at her, it’s like he did that to her.” She narrowed her eyes. “She’s very beautiful.” Nat noted mostly to herself, like it was a scientific observation rather than opinion.
“What does that have to do with anything?” Steve asked.
Nat turned back around. “More than you might think.”
-----
Bucky knew he wasn’t going to sleep that night, or maybe even for the next few nights. So he sat at the kitchen counter for hours, only moving when he wanted to refill his mug with coffee. He wasn’t mentally present. No, he was living in his head, trying to piece together the puzzle that was now his memory.
Bucky was so lost in thought that he didn’t even hear Steve’s arrival.
He walked in, also grabbing a mug of coffee, and moved to the stool next to Bucky. “It’s time to talk.” He declared.
“Is she awake?” Bucky whispered.
Steve shook his head. “Not yet.” He sighed. “She should make a full recovery. They expect her to wake up tomorrow or the day after.” Then his voice lowered. “Dr. Cho said she’s special…that she has enhanced healing. That’s why she was able to stay alive for that long without food or water.”
“I know.” Bucky mumbled.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to sort out…everything.”
Steve’s face softened and he reached out to place a hand on Bucky’s back in comfort. It finally made his friend look at him.
Bucky’s bottom lip shook and his eyes got slightly watery. “You’re not going to like me after this story, Steve.” His voice shook with emotion.
“What have we always said, punk?” Steve smiled encouragingly. “I’m with you until the end of the line.”
Bucky nodded and took in a deep breath. “She was a prisoner too.”
“A winter soldier?” Steve immediately asked.
“No. Hydra was tracking down people with accelerated healing. They needed patients they could experiment on…that-that wouldn’t die so quickly. Hydra gave me the coordinates, I’d capture, and bring them back to base. A lot of them died, Steve.”
“She was one of them?” He asked softly.
Bucky nodded. “But I wasn’t the one to bring her in.”
Silence filled the kitchen.
“Keep going.” Steve requested.
“A few years before we met again, I started misbehaving. They needed to take me out of cryo more frequently and the brainwashing wasn’t as effective. They tried different tactics. When they kidnapped Y/N, she was just a teenager-”
“Y/N?” Steve interrupted.
Bucky nodded slowly. “Her name is Y/N. She couldn’t have been older than 16 when Hydra took her.” But his mouth had suddenly gone dry when he reached this part of the story.
“Bucky you can tell me.” Steve muttered encouragingly.
“Hydra thought if they started giving me a reward after I successfully finished a mission, then I would be able to stay out of cryo longer without having episodes.”
Steve’s face dropped. “Y/N was the reward.”
Bucky didn’t confirm or deny his prediction. But Steve knew he was right.
“Buck, did-did you…?” He couldn’t find the words.
-----
The Winter Soldier sat on the floor of his cell, staring at nothing. But he quickly got to his feet when the metal door started opening. His eyes narrowed when the guard was gripping a young woman tightly. So tightly that Bucky could already see bruises forming on the girls arm from the hold.
Her eyes were blood shot from crying and she was barely wearing any clothes. The guard tossed her into the cell so hard that she fell to her knees, scraping the skin.
“It’s your reward, soldat. Enjoy.” The guard said in Russian.
The girl’s eyes slowly looked up at him in complete fear. Her entire body was shaking, expecting him to do the worst. She wobbled back onto her feet but slowly stepped away until her back hit the wall.
The Winter Soldier watched her with interest. But he made no move toward her. Instead he went back to his spot on the floor at the opposite side of the room.
His cell was always freezing. It didn’t bother him. But he could see that it was hurting the girl now. She had her arms wrapped around her knees, bringing them tightly to her chest. Her entire body now shook with fear and coldness. They had thrown her in there wearing just her underwear and a sports-bra. Clearly they thought it would entice the soldier.
The solider glanced at the cot next to him. He’d flung the jacket from his last mission on their. They’d forgotten to take it from him.
He slowly stood up and grabbed the jacket. He took a few steps toward the girl.
Meanwhile her eyes widened and she thought this was the moment where he’d finally force himself onto her.
But to her shock, he handed her the jacket.
She stared at it for a moment, thinking it was some kind of trick. When he didn’t move, she finally took the jacket from his hand and slowly wrapped it around her shoulders.
He moved back to his place at the other side of the cell.
“You’re-you’re not like the others.” She stated in a shaky whisper.
Somehow through the brainwashing, Bucky realized she was talking about the other Winter Soldiers. Had they tried this with them too? Was he just another cell she was forced into?
Hours and hours passed. Bucky stayed in his place on the floor, watching her intently. She seemed to cower from his gaze and stared down at her feet instead. He could tell she was exhausted. Her eyelids dropped lower and lower. But she would jolt awake when they got too close, terrified of letting her guard down by falling asleep.
There was a small outlet with Bucky’s conditioning: the longer he was left unfrozen without any demands or missions, the more he was Bucky and less soldier. He remained robotic, but little slips of his personality would manage to come through. He wasn’t so much the cold, unfeeling soldier…but more of a frightened prisoner.
“What’s your name?” His voice was quiet and hoarse.
The mere use of his voice jolted her awake. None of the others had asked for her name, let alone even talked to her. She was surprised he used English.
Her eyes narrowed. But he waited patiently.
“Y/N.” She whispered and buried her chin behind her knees, tightening her grip around herself. “Wha-what’s yours?” She didn’t know why she asked it. Maybe in that moment she realized how alone she’d been these past couple of years. There had been so much pain and torture that she didn’t have time to think about the loneliness…until now.
Bucky’s jaw clenched.
She realized he was concentrating, trying to find the answer.
“It’s okay.” Y/N finally whispered.
He snapped back into reality. Then he quickly got to his feet and it startled Y/N. He walked to her, but didn’t show any indication of touching her.
“Sleep.” He commanded as his head gestured toward the cot in the corner.
She shook her head. Yes, he seemed kinder and much more human than the others at this place. But that didn’t mean she trusted him.
“Safe.” He said when she didn’t move a muscle.
She glared up at him. Why was it so hard for him to form words?
But she quickly realized he wasn’t going to move away from her until she did as he said. Out for fear of him hurting her if she didn’t listen, she slowly stood from her spot. Her muscles ached. As she stood, Bucky spotted various bruises on her legs. He knew he’d find more on her upper body, but his huge jacket covered the top half of her.
Y/N watched him carefully as she stepped around, always facing him, and tiptoeing to the cot. It was nothing special. But as soon as the mere inch of cushion clutched her body, she let out a sigh. Her personal cell didn’t even have a cot.
Bucky seemed satisfied. But he moved his sitting position so it was against the wall and next to the end of the bed. Now he was between Y/N and the door to the cell.
Y/N’s gut still told her not to fall asleep, that it wasn’t safe. But her heart seemed to understand that this particular soldier meant her no harm.
Except it didn’t matter, because her body was so exhausted. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept more than 30 minutes. With this soldier’s jacket, his cot, and this weird understanding that he wouldn’t let anything happen to her… she managed to fall into a deep sleep. It was something that hadn’t happened in the 2 years she’d been there.
She didn’t wake up until the metal door was thrown open. Two Hydra men stood with their guns at their side.
The soldier shot up from the ground and stood in front of the cot, blocking the intruders’ view of Y/N.
Meanwhile, Y/N quickly sat up in bed. She was breathing heavily from the fear of what was about to happen next. Would they take her away like they had with the others?
“Do you like your little pet, soldat?” One of them asked in Russian with a sneer.
But Bucky just glared at the question.
“I’m surprised she has more clothes on than when we gave her to you.” He added with a disgusting chuckle. But he spoke more to his comrade than Bucky. They both looked around the room, expecting to find Y/N’s underwear and bra ripped to shreds or disarray that proved there was struggle.
“Alright. Time to go.” The other one said to Y/N.
In a panic, she scurried back on the bed and tried to bury herself into the wall.
She was prepared to fight them with as much strength as her body could muster.
But that wasn’t necessary.
Because Bucky quickly stepped forward and gripped the soldier’s neck with his metal arm. He lifted him off the ground, choking him.
“Hey, hey, hey!” The other soldier yelled with his gun raised and pointed at Bucky. “Let him go!” Bucky ignored the demand and tightened his grip. “Put him down or I’ll shoot the girl!” He screamed even louder in Russian.
This made Bucky freeze and he looked at Y/N to see a red dot on her chest. She was shaking in fear.
“She stays.” Bucky growled in Russian. “My reward stays.”
In a desperate attempt to save his own life and his comrades’, the Hydra soldier shook his head quickly. “Okay! You can keep your pet, soldat.” He spat.
That was enough for Bucky, he tossed the soldier at the other as if they were mere ragdolls. They both scrambled to their feet and slammed the cell door shut.
Y/N still shook on the bed, utterly confused about what happened. She didn’t know a word of Russian. So the conversation was no help.
Bucky glanced back at her. His mind was so muddled that he didn’t know how to make her less scared. So he simply went back his spot on the floor.
“Th-thank y-you.” She stuttered after a few moments. Despite not knowing what words were shared, she managed to figure out that the soldier had just fought to keep her here. She still didn’t trust him, but this was the safest she’d been in her imprisonment.
-----
Despite the near killings of two soldiers, Hydra saw Bucky’s draw to Y/N as a success and a new advantage. If their bond continued, they planned on using the girl against the Winter Soldier if he ever misbehaved.
They allowed Y/N to remain in his cell. They brought food for them both. But only left one cot. It wasn’t until a week or two later that Bucky grabbed one of the soldiers roughly.
“Clothes,” was all he said in Russian as he looked at Y/N.
She was still only in her bra and underwear, her only warmth coming from Bucky’s discarded jacket.
The Hydra soldier nodded in terror before giving the tray of food and sprinting from the cell.
An hour later, someone returned with black sweatpants and a matching black hoodie.
Bucky ripped them from their grasp and gently handed them to Y/N.
He had yet to touch her. Even making sure not to accidentally graze her hand as he gave her the new clothes.
They didn’t really talk. Y/N would’ve tried to converse if she knew that he could actually talk. It seemed he struggled to form thoughts of his own. His actions relied solely on instincts of the James Buchanan Barnes that Hydra tried so hard to kill.
It wasn’t until a couple weeks later that a whole army arrived in their cell.
Alexander Pierce walked in with two dozen guards accompanying him.
Bucky shot up from the ground and once again took a protective stance between the intruders and Y/N.
But she stood up this time, ready to fight. Now that she was getting fed consistently and could actually sleep, she’d never been stronger since being brought to Hydra.
“I’ve was told you’d grown attached,” Pierce said with a knowing smirk. “But I never expected this.”
This was the first time anyone had spoken English around Y/N and the soldier.
Bucky’s jaw clenched and Y/N saw his hands tighten into fists at his side.
“You have a mission, soldier.” Pierce explained. “You can come easily or we’ll hurt the girl, understand? If you succeed, she’ll be waiting here for you when you get back.”
Bucky looked back at Y/N. Her eyes looked sad. She didn’t want him to go. He was the only good thing she had here. He was the only one that made him feel safe.
But Bucky nodded.
A second later, five soldiers rushed into the room. To Bucky’s surprise, they went for Y/N. In a panic, he grabbed a shoulder, shoving them off their feet and against a wall with his metal arm.
“Ah, ah, ah.” Pierce reprimanded. “You hurt any more men and we’ll kill her.”
The threat had the effect Pierce was looking for, because Bucky immediately dropped the soldier.
He could do nothing but watch as Y/N was dragged from his cell. He looked like a kicked puppy: helpless and lost.
“Now that we’ve taken care of all that.” Pierce sighed. “We have a target for you. A nuclear engineer is being escorted out of Iran. You are to intercept and eliminate the target outside Odessa, Ukraine.”
Bucky listened to his orders. The soldier took over his body now that Y/N was no longer near him. It was like she was a small cure that lured Bucky back into the forefront of his mind.
-----
“That was the mission when you attacked Nat.” Steve interrupted the story.
Bucky squinted and suddenly the memory came back. He hadn’t realized that he ran into Romanoff on that mission until now. She had been the one to escort the engineer. He shot through her to get to the target.
“The scar on her abdomen…” Bucky muttered. He’d seen her without a shirt on quite frequently in the gym. “I did that.” A new wave of guilt washed over him.
“It’s fine. She thinks it makes her look badass.” Steve tried to joke.
But Bucky didn’t even so much as smirk.
“Was that the last time you saw her?” Steve whispered.
To his surprise, Bucky shook his head.
----
Bucky was escorted through the halls of Hydra’s lair and back to his cell.
His heart leapt when he saw Y/N already waiting for him on his cot.
He quickly walked in, ignoring the slam of the cell door behind him.
But he stopped walking toward her when he got a good look: she had a black eye and a split lip. However she looked so clean. She’s recently washed her hair. He also noticed the lack of hair on her body. She even had her toenails clipped.
She gave him a sad smile. “Hi.”
Bucky sat on the edge of the cot. He’d never done that before. His flesh hand reached toward her face, but he stopped.
“It-it’s okay.” She assured him.
He continued his reach and gently cupped her cheek. His thumb traced over the cut on her lip.
“Who?” He growled.
She shrugged. “I’m okay.”
“Who?” He repeated.
“One of the guards. They came to get me. I didn’t know they were bringing me back here. So I fought…they didn’t like that.”
It was the most she’d ever spoken to him.
Bucky’s entire body tensed. He wanted to kill them.
To his shock, Y/N gripped his bicep. “But look.” She gestured to her face. He did as she said. Right before his eyes, her split lip sealed itself. Her black eye started fading.
“I can heal myself.” Y/N explained in a whisper. “I tried to do it before you could see. But I’ve become weak from being here so long.” Her expression saddened.
Then, to his surprise, she scurried closer to him on the cot. She wrapped her arms around his waist and rest her cheek against his chest. It was risky, she knew this. Bucky could easily rip her to shreds if he didn’t like this contact.
“I’m glad you’re okay.” She sighed.
But she didn’t expect him to respond. Bucky slowly and carefully wrapped his arms around her body.
“Bucky.” He muttered lowly.
Y/N pulled back to look at him. “What?” She gasped.
“I…I think my name is Bucky.” His forehead wrinkled in confusion. It sounded right, but he wasn’t entirely sure.
She nodded encouragingly. “Bucky. I like it.”
But then her eyes darkened. “Bucky, I…I think they’re planning something for us.” Her eyes began to water in fear. She’d started putting it together when they were ‘preparing’ her for Bucky’s return.
He narrowed his eyes in confusion.
“They made me take a shower. Gave me a…a wax.” She blushed in embarrassment. “They were trying to make me look…better.” She almost used the word ‘pretty’ but it felt so wrong.
“I won’t let them.” Bucky surprised her by saying.
She placed her head against his chest again. “You might not have a choice.”
-----
“Once they gave the serum to the other Winter Soldiers, they didn’t know what else to do.” Bucky explained. “Y/N had been staying with me for a couple of years. Most of the time we didn’t talk. I didn’t know how, really. But she kept me calm and I kept her safe. During that time, they tried and tried to train the other Winter Soldiers. But they couldn’t be controlled. When they saw how attached I’d grown to Y/N, they thought they could create more super-soldiers in a different way.”
Steve waited patiently for him to continue.
“At first they figured they could just tell me to…to force myself on her.” Bucky growled. “They thought I had so little humanity left in me that I would do it as soon as the idea had been put in my head.” Bucky’s hands shook as he gripped his coffee mug. “They would order me to do it without using the words. Thank god they said it in Russian. I was able to keep it a secret from Y/N. But she knew better, she felt something terrible was coming.”
Bucky took in a deep breath. “Hydra grew impatient and frustrated. It disgusted them that I had enough of a conscience to disobey such an order. My brainwashing allowed them to kill anyone they wanted, with me as their weapon. But my conditioning couldn’t bring me to do that to Y/N. And Hydra punished us both for it.”
-----
Bucky was sitting up in the cot while Y/N peacefully slept. Her head was on his chest, right arm draped over his waist. He mindlessly played with her hair. Listening to her slow breaths always relaxed him.
But he didn’t have his guard up. When Hydra came in, they were surrounded.
Y/N jolted awake. They both jumped to their feet. Bucky dragged her behind him, holding her body against his back with his flesh arm.
One of the head doctors walked into the room. He had an evil smirk as he saw the two prisoners desperately tangled together.
“Separate them.” He ordered.
Before Bucky could attack. He was shocked with electric batons. He groaned and fell to his knees.
“Stop it! You’re hurting him!” Y/N cried out. She knelt at his side, gripping his shoulders.
But she was ripped away from him by two men. She tried to fight them off, elbowing and kicking anyone in her vicinity. But she wasn’t strong enough.
The sound of her cries sprung a new energy into Bucky. But as soon as he tried to fight again, they shocked him with an even higher voltage.
“Don’t worry, soldat. You will see her soon enough.” The doctor chuckled.
Bucky tried to even his breathing as he felt Y/N getting dragged further and further away from him.
The doctor stepped forward bravely. “Take off your gear.” He ordered Bucky.
His chest was heaving up and down when he looked up at the doctor with utter helplessness. He knew he didn’t have a choice. He started undoing the leather buckles across his chest and unbuttoning his pants.
A few minutes later, he was just standing in his black briefs, glaring. The doctor stepped forward and plunged a syringe into his neck. Bucky hissed, not from the pain, but from not stopping the assault.
“These men are going to escort you to another room. If you misbehave, we will not hesitate to kill Y/N. Do you understand?” The doctor’s voice held no emotion, only threats.
Bucky’s glare deepened, but he nodded in understanding.
He was flanked by a dozen men, all their guns pointed at him.
The doctor led the way down the hall and to another room. He placed his hand over a scanner and unlocked a new door. But he didn’t step in. Instead, he made eye contact with Bucky and nodded his head, ordering him silently to go in.
When he saw what was waiting for him in the room, his heart broke.
-----
Bucky didn’t think he could go on with the story.
“She…ugh…was tied up.” Tears silently fell down Bucky’s cheeks. “The doctor said if I didn’t do as they said, they would toss her in a cell with one of the other Winter Soldiers and have them do it.”
Bucky roughly wiped away the tears with the back of his hand. “I killed a lot of people, Steve. But what happened that day…it was the worse thing I’ve ever done.”
Whenever Bucky shared memories of his Winter Soldier days, Steve was quick to remind him that it wasn’t his fault. But he couldn’t find the comforting words this time.
“I still was the Winter Soldier when I did it. But I was enough of myself to know that what I was doing was wrong and I tried to stop it.” Bucky sniffed and wiped more tears away. “Afterwards, I thought they’d leave us alone… Let me look after her. But they separated us, threw me back into cryo and did god knows what with her. The next time they woke me up was when they ordered me to kill Fury. By then, I’d forgotten about her.”
Silence filled the kitchen.
“You didn’t have a choice, Bucky.” Steve insisted.
Bucky was now thinking about all the things that could’ve happened to her since they were separated. It had been years since that terrible day.
“Please just make sure someone takes care of her.” Bucky whispered before quickly making his exit from the kitchen.
“Buck, wait!” Steve shouted. He stopped. “You don’t want to see her?”
“She shouldn’t ever have to look at me again. I’m probably the lead in all of her nightmares, Steve.”
With that, he left the kitchen.
-----
Y/N’s eyes fluttered open. The smells are what alerted her first. It was too clean, too sterile. This wasn’t the vault or any other Hydra cell.
“Don’t worry. You’re safe. You’re at the Avenger’s compound…the medical wing, to be exact.”
Y/N’s gaze snapped to a woman in the corner of her room. She had long, dark red and curly hair. Her face gave Y/N an odd comfort. But she knew better than to trust anyone.
“Avenger’s compound?” Y/N scoffed in disbelief.
She’d actually been taken by Hydra not long after the alien invasion in New York. During her imprisonment, it was hard to believe in heroes anymore.
“Yes, have you heard of us?” The girl asked politely.
But Y/N only narrows her eyes.
“Would it help if I grabbed someone you recognized? Tony Stark or Steve Rogers?”
Y/N didn’t answer.
“Okay. I’ll be right back. Oh! I’m Wanda by the way.” Without a response, she rushed out of the room.
Y/N used her time alone to take in the room. She was looking for exits and anything she could use for a weapon. This was definitely no Hydra facility. But that still didn’t mean she wasn’t a prisoner and this place wasn’t filled with people of ill intent.
“Y/N?” A deep voice asked.
Lo and behold, Captain America was walking into the room with the first girl right behind him. His eyes were even bluer than they seemed in pictures and on TV. He wasn’t in his famous uniform though. Instead, he was wearing dark jeans and a light grey t-shirt.
“How do you know my name?” Her voice was low and careful.
Steve ignored her question. “We found you in an abandoned Hydra facility and brought you back to the Avengers’ compound. You’re safe. We mean you no harm.”
Y/N noticed how he seemed very intent on keeping a safe distance between them.
“Do you want to see his shield? Would that help convince you?” Wanda smirked.
But Y/N didn’t even crack a smile.
“Can we get you anything?” Steve asked softly.
“Have-have you called my family?” Her bottom lip trembled at the thought of seeing them again. They probably thought she was dead.
“They should be here next week.” The doctors want to run a few tests and keep you on bedrest for a few more days.
Y/N nodded, trying not to get emotional in front of these strangers.
“Did you tell Bucky that she was awake?” Wanda whispered.
“Bucky?” Y/N yelped out.
Steve gave a panicked glare to Wanda. But the poor girl didn’t know that Bucky wanted to remain a secret to Y/N.
“You know Bucky?” Wanda asked carefully.
“He’s…he…Bucky is here?” To their surprise she looked hopeful at the idea.
“Wanda, can you give us a minute?” Steve asked politely. She nodded and left the room, closing the door behind her.
“Is it okay if I sit?” Steve asked as he pointed to the empty chair behind her bedside. In his head, he kept hearing Bucky’s warnings to keep his distance.
She nodded.
“Is he okay?” Y/N whispered.
Steve nodded.
“How did you find him?”
For the next couple hours or so, Steve told Bucky’s story. Y/N had no idea that Bucky was a man of the past. Everyone knew Steve Rogers’ story. It was taught in almost every history class. But it was easy for teachers not to spend as much time on his best friend or even the rest of the Howling Commandos.
As Y/N listened, she cursed herself for not paying closer attention in class. If she’d put it together, realized who Bucky was, then maybe she could’ve helped him more.
Steve updated her on everything she missed with Hydra’s attack on DC. Y/N’s eyes seemed to change, like she’d known something had happened while she had been in the clutches of the enemy. They started moving prisoners around. It explained why they’d left her for dead in that abandoned place.
“How long had you been in the vault?” Steve asked quietly.
Y/N shrugged. “I don’t know. Time…it stopped moving for me. I refused to keep track. It was just a reminder of how long I’d been their prisoner. I thought I’d die there.”
Without realizing what he was doing, Steve took her hand in his to comfort her. She didn’t flinch or pull away, but welcomed it.
“Can I see him? Can I see Bucky?” Y/N breathed.
Steve gave her a sympathetic look. He didn’t know how to tell her that Bucky couldn’t face her. Bucky was so convinced that she’d be terrified of him that he never even considered that she’d want to see him.
“He doesn’t want to see me again.” Y/N muttered, answering her own question.
Steve opened his mouth to protest. But quickly shut it when he realized he didn’t know what to tell her.
“I just wanted to thank him.” Y/N sighed.
“Thank him?” Steve whispered in disbelief.
Her eyes snapped up to him, surprised by his reaction. “He was the only good thing that happened to me while I was there. He kept me safe, more than I think he realized. We both knew they were using me to keep him calm. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t care for him too.”
Steve looked unconvinced.
Y/N studied him carefully, almost like she could read his mind. “Oh.” She suddenly realized. “He told you what they made him do, didn’t he?”
Steve nodded. “In so few words…”
Y/N squeezed his hand. “Well…would you like to hear my version? Maybe you could pass it along to Bucky and convince him that I do really wish to see him?”
Steve bowed his head.
“Yes, they ordered him to do it. When he stepped forward, he looked terrified. I didn’t want him to think that he was really doing what he thought he was. We were alone in the room, but there was a one-way mirror that those sick people were watching us through. I kept whispering to him that it was okay…that I wanted him to do it. I knew neither of us had a choice.” Y/N took in a deep breath. “Hydra had strapped me down. Bucky undid the buckles. We tried to pretend we were alone in that room…That it was normal. He was so careful and gentle to me. I kissed him to try and stop his shaking. He needed to be comforted more than I did.”
Y/N spared Steve the gory and disturbing details. But she wanted to make sure she made herself very clear: she’d given Bucky consent and comfort. Because she didn’t want to add any more guilt to his conscience.
“I used to wonder why Hydra did it that way. It could’ve been painless. They could’ve done IVF, took out the physicality of it. But I realize now why they didn’t. Hydra saw that we brought each other what small comfort and happiness we could find while being their prisoners. So they punished us for it, and reminded us that we still belonged to them.”
“Thank you…for telling me.” Steve muttered. He cleared his throat. “I’m truly sorry for everything they did to you.”
“It wasn’t your doing.” Y/N didn’t know what else to say.
-----
Bucky walked down the dark hallway with complete stealth. He knew everyone was asleep. Otherwise he wouldn’t have snuck down to the medical wing.
Steve had come to his room earlier that night. He tried to retell Y/N’s story word for word. When he was done, Bucky gave him no reaction. He made it so impossible for Steve to read him that Steve was convinced Bucky still wouldn’t go see Y/N.
Now he was tiptoeing down the linoleum floor.
He heard her breathing before he saw her.
Y/N was asleep in the patients room.
She’d never looked more beautiful. Now that she was out of Hydra’s grasp, her skin had regained it’s healthy glow. Her hair didn’t appear so dry. The shadows under her eyes were almost completely gone. Bucky realized how much older she looked now too. When he’d first met her, she was a teenager. Now she had to be in her early 20s.
Bucky couldn’t stop as his feet led him to the chair at her bedside.
Her hand was so close to him. It took all of his power not to grab it.
“You don’t have to be so scared to touch me.” Y/N mumbled with her eyes closed.
Bucky’s eyes widened and he sat back in his chair, putting just that much more distance between them.
Y/N slowly opened her eyes. “I taught myself over the years to know when someone sneaks into my room while I’m sleeping.” She smirked proudly.
Bucky gave her a shy smile.
“Strange.” Y/N hummed. “You almost look like a different person.”
Bucky’s bottom lip quivered as he looked down at his handwringing. “I’m sorry…for everything. For what I did to you. For not coming back for you. For forgetting.”
“Nothing that happened to me is your fault. You were their captive, just like me. All the terrible things that happened to us? That was all Hydra.” Her voice was quiet and soothing, but the words were strong and true.
Bucky nodded, trying to let her words convince him.
“I have to tell you something, Bucky.” Y/N whispered. “After what they made us do…I got pregnant.”
He looked up from the ground in shock.
“I had a miscarriage a month later.” She looked down at her hands. “Sometimes I think that’s why they wouldn’t let me see you again.” Tears started falling. “When I was recovering, I kept begging them for you. Eventually, I convinced myself that you were dead.”
“I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry.” He gasped.
-----
A few days later, Y/N’s family arrived at the compound. The room was filled with emotions. Her mom and dad were crying uncontrollably. Y/N seemed rather shocked.
Bucky watched it happen from a distance.
He hated himself for wanting Y/N to stay longer. It was strange trying to deconstruct what their relationship had been. He had called it Stockholm Syndrome once in front of Nat and Steve. But they were both quick to correct him: they hadn’t been each other’s prisoners; they had been Hydra’s.
“It’s okay, you know.” Nat appeared at Bucky’s side, also watching the reunion.
He didn’t say anything.
“It’s okay to feel something for her.”
“But is it real?” He challenged.
“Just because it was life or death, doesn’t mean that it isn’t real, Barnes. You two spent years together.” Nat answered.
“I’m worried about her.” Bucky admitted. “The transition…it’s not easy.”
“Her family will look out for her.” Nat reassured him.
But will that be enough? Bucky wondered. Even though he wasn’t in Winter Soldier mode, he still felt a protectiveness toward Y/N.
-----
“Bucky! Buck! Wake up!” He roused to Steve shaking his shoulder.
“What? What is it?” He grumbled sleepily.
“It’s Y/N.” Steve sighed.
That woke Bucky up. He whipped the covers off of his body and followed Steve down the hall to a conference room. Dr. Cho was on the TV screen in a video chat.
“Sergeant Barnes, I wanted to inform you that Y/N attempted suicide earlier tonight.”
Bucky’s stomach dropped.
“Thankfully she was unsuccessful. With my psychiatry team at the compound, I thought it might be best for Y/N to start treatment there.”
Bucky nodded in understanding and tried to keep his emotions in check.
“The reason I asked Captain Rogers to wake you is because I think you could also help Y/N a great deal. You were with her during her imprisonment. You’re also much further along in your own recovering than she is…”
“Yes, of course. Of course I’ll help her.” Bucky cut off Dr. Cho before she could even ask.
She was thankful and continued to explain the situation, referencing post traumatic stress disorder and survivor’s guilt.
Bucky was simply grateful that he could keep an eye on Y/N.
Once the call was over, Steve looked at Bucky. “You okay?”
Bucky swallowed and managed to nod his head.
-----
6 MONTHS LATER
“FRIDAY where is Y/N?” Bucky asked with some concern.
“On the roof, sir.” The AI responded.
“What!? Her access was taken away from entering the roof. Why didn’t you inform someone?!” Bucky yelled at the system and sprinted towards the elevator.
“She is perfectly safe, Sergeant Barnes. Y/N was recently given clearance from Dr. Cho.”
The words gave Bucky no comfort though. He was sprinting out of the elevator, only slowing down when he found Y/N sitting on a chair, wrapped in a blanket. She had a mug of hard cider in her grasp.
“Jesus Christ, Y/N. You scared the crap out of me.” Bucky sighed as he tried to catch his breath and sat on the seat next to her.
Y/N was gazing at the stars. “No one ever tells you how annoying it is after you try to kill yourself… Everyone thinks you’ll jump off a building the moment you’re alone.”
Bucky chuckled. He’d gotten used to her humor. When Y/N finally started finding herself again, he was pleasantly surprised by her sassiness and sarcasm. It was refreshing, but quickly became concerning when she used it to cover her pain.
She finally looked at him. “But I’m sorry for worrying you.” She let out a sigh. “I couldn’t sleep. So I thought I’d come out and look at the stars.”
Bucky followed her gaze up. “Well, they are beautiful.”
“At least they let you out of the cage to see them every once in awhile. I hadn’t seen the sky until 6 months ago.”
A peaceful silence settled between them.
Bucky saw her burrowing further into her blanket and bringing her mug of hot cider closer to her chest.
“Are you cold?” He asked.
She nodded. “I don’t want to go inside though.”
“Come here.” Bucky instructed softly.
Y/N watched him for a second before getting up and sitting on his lap. He wrapped his arms around her tightly.
“How are you so warm all the time?” She sighed.
“Guess it’s the serum.” Bucky shrugged.
Then he felt her body tense.
“Bucky?” Y/N whispered.
“Yeah, doll?”
“You don’t have to look after me, you know.” Her usual sass was missing. “I know you still feel guilty about everything. And I know you feel responsible for me. But I would prefer it if you ignored me.” Then she twisted her body slightly so she could read his face.
“Why?” Bucky challenged.
Y/N started crying then. “Because when you don’t feel guilty anymore and you stop feeling responsible for me…you’ll leave. And I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do when you’re gone.”
Bucky brought her closer to his chest, rubbing her back. “Well, what if I said I do it because I care about you?”
Her crying paused for a moment so she could read if he was being serious or not.
“What if I said I do it because,” Bucky took a deep breath, “Because I love you?”
Y/N gave him a sad smile and wiped away her tears. “I’d say I don’t believe you.”
Bucky’s expression looked a little heartbroken. “Well…I guess I’ll just have to prove it to you, Y/N.”
“Does it get easier?” She asked with a sad desperation.
“Yeah, I promise it does.”
----
So I have this disease where I tell myself I’m going to write a one-shot and it turns into a whole series. When I was halfway through this, I realized I could separate it. But like fuck it.
I know this storyline has been written MANY of times. But I feel like it’s been poorly done and I’ve become frustrated because I read them and think ‘This is not the real Bucky.’ So I did it how I thought it would actually go down.
I would love if you reviewed and reblogged and commented. I hate posting stuff and getting no response. Especially something that I wrote so passionately.
