In my attempt to take my blog seriously and be consistent, I decided to try and write at least one post briefly summarizing each week.
I had done this on Sunday night, but something stopped me, and I pressed ‘save draft’ instead of ‘post’! Just Like everything in my life, it wasn't good enough. I told myself I would read over it in the morning and B post it then.. what was the difference, right?
Well, the difference was that it is now Friday and it has remained amongst my drafts ever since. It is almost time to reflect upon another week entirely.
And the reason why is because so much has happened since Sunday night!
So much had happened by Monday morning! And each day, more and more situations overwhelmed me as my coping abilities diminished. I have started roughly 10 new posts since then, and funnily enough, they are all saved in my drafts.
And now I feel overwhelmed, as usual, because I don’t know whether to go finish each one separately or add them together and make a super big giant post. Obviously it doesn’t matter in the slightest. Fuck.
I think this is the exact problem with my whole life. This becomes increasingly evident when I look at my Tumblr drafts and see that there is almost one hundred.
Yes, I’ve wanted to do this blog thing for a while now, and I have probably had some good things to say, but my inferiority complex ruled me every time. The fact it still appears to be happening kills me. And, in my trying to change that- I will force myself to post this.
Last week- the level of chaos was mild compared to usual, but still intense none the less.
I had been in a bit of a fog all week; a state not that many understand.
1. No one got a response to any text messages- the pressure I felt to reply to all these messages become so unbearable I decided to not pay from phone bill so could only receive incoming calls and messages. Yes, this may have become the biggest inconvenience, but massively inconveniencing my life is much easier for me to deal with than the overwhelming guilt associated with the burden of responding to everyone.
2. I couldn’t reply to important emails- despite the fact they were concerning important career prospects and potential work in a law firm.
3. All my uni work that was already overdue didn’t get done- even though that is the ONLY thing i should be worrying about.
I’m sure you get the picture.
I guess I was kind of going through a kind of grieving process.
It’s a long story which I will save for another blog post, but basically, my life has revolved around my mission to save my mum. The week before last, she needed me to pick her up from where she had been staying. She came and stayed at my apartment from Wednesday to Saturday and turned my life upside down, in good ways and bad. There is far too much that happened during that time and I can’t possibly write about it all now, but after everything, she walked out on me. Everything I had done, everything everyone had said to me; thrown in my face.
A feeling of emptiness consumed me. The extent of which can’t be understood until I explain the situation between my mother and I. But that feeling remained with me throughout the whole week. It became progressively worse when my many attempts to contact her were ignored. By the end of the week I felt as if I had gone almost insane.
There were some positives, of course. With mum gone, I was able to house sit with my roommate, Felicia. That was an extremely enjoyable and it was good to get away. It was especially exciting because Felicia had work every morning at 9am, which meant I had to wake up at the same time as her, and I was home nice and early to commence my day.
Now, anyone who knows me knows I struggle to get out of bed in general, let alone before 11am. This is because I feel too overwhelmed to face the day, but again, another story for another blog post.
But, this week I didn’t allow myself to go back to sleep when I got home. I made myself push through my internal turmoil I was experiencing, get to uni and tried my best to get stuff done. A lot more happened but I think I have gone on enough for one post. So I’ll try my best to write about certain significant aspects in future posts and actually press post.
Until then, I’m out. X
