THE FOUNDATIONAL MYTHOLOGY OF THE SEXY WIZARD SCHOOL UNIVERSE
from the nonexistence beyond even entropy there sprang from nothingness a cosmos irradiated with magic, whose laws of physics were born with jellied bones, where the rubber of reality stretched with the slightest application of will. the kind of place where misadventures followed the strict moral guidance of 19th century children's fables.
A Shitty Place, by any measure
in one neglected corner of this vibrant universe there spun a planet full of sapient bipedal creatures whose primary concern centered on growing the biggest grasses imaginable. tall grass, wet grass, potato, they had it all.
then one day, one especially unpopular and bad-grass-growing hominid wandered into a weird cave in the side of Only-Bad-Dipshit-Live-Here Mountain.
unbeknownst to this hominid, whose name was Gug but was commonly referred to as Ugg (this is a cultural joke that doesn't translate directly) ten billion years prior a sentient shaft of rainbow light wasn't paying attention and slammed into mt onlybaddipshit, permanently trapping itself in a crystal geode.
well, let's just say Gug made a real Ugg of itself and decided to smash open the ominously glowing crystal wall at the back of a cave full of skeletons of Freaky Space Mammoths &c and other species unknown to Grass Hominids or anything else ever
so Ugg is bathed in scintillating hues, obviously, saturated with colors from out of space, primitive hominid brain awash in magickal powres, gates of perception blown open, yadda yadda yadda, cognizant of all space and time, angels dancing on the head of a pin, and he becomes a wizard
this is just what one DOES
but not JUST a wizard. oh ho ho no. an EVIL SPACE CAVEWIZARD. that is legally the worst kind, according to law. real kill on sight asshoeles.
so Gug, who immediately starts referring itself to Drakenhof Von Vilesmythe, flies out of the cave and starts going full Dresden on the grass hominids. he rains fire, casts lightning, rains snakes, most of his attacks were either weather or vermin-based, just really typical Ugg behavior.
he wipes out the grass hominid society in like, fifteen minutes. there were not a lot of them, and they generally lived under piles of trees, because they were so fixated on big grasses that they never invented architecture.
Drakenhof Von Vilesmythe went ahead and magicked himself up a real nice castle atop Mount Very Normal Crystals, and sat alone on his throne.
as all despots do, he got bored, and wandered into his workshop, where he went about inventing all kinds of new monsters and such. Dracowyverns, Fang Children, Flying Knives, white people, Sexy Elf's, basically the most foul line-up of villains the universe ever seen.
well the universe DID in fact seen, and responding to the laws &c of cosmic narrative functionality, rose up in protest of such evil, and created GOODMAN MCMANANUS, a powerfully Good Cavewizard, and lo they did battle.
they cast fireballs, firesnakes, thunderrats, fought each other in the rain on the side of a tower, took turns hurling each other off cliffs, just really made a day of it
anyway this fighting went on for Way Too Long. the minions and fell servitors got bored and eventually developed their own society independent of the wizard wars. it evolved to exactly feudal medieval european level, or at least what i imagine that was like.
sadly due to the world being a janked up mess after aeons and aeons of Wizard Combat, the heavy background magickal radiation ensured that a higher number than normal of these babies were born with the W-gene.
after getting their shit rocked and re-rocked immediately after unrocking itself, the creatures decided that the safest thing to do was build a giant school for the wizards to fuck around in and just let them do their own thing way over there.
and so, every day, when a denizen of Normalsville turned 18 and started developing Protagonist Thought, they would find their asses shipped off to....
oh also i forgot to mention that all the monsters and wizard servants and stuff, their genes all combined and mixed together and made creatures that look indistinguishable from modern humans. note to clarion workshop scouts, thats the kind of rich worldbuilding and social commentary you can expect to find here at tumblr dot com slash wizard smut.
ok thanks everyone have a good day and dont get diseases
