#wolf puppet

[hummingjack01]

He’s just a ‘lil guy! Look at puppet boy go!

That wolf puppet from that furry con was getting down!

[ask-the-antisepticeye]

Anti, why must you hate circles?

“C͢au̶se̷ y̡'͏a͢l̸l won̢'͏t sḩut ͢t͠hę ̴f̕uck ͝up ab͢oưt ‘͞em͟"̶

[toytheatre]

Pelham Puppets - Big Bad Wolf

[toytheatre]

x

[toytheatre]

[cowchildren]

Leggy dame.

[themisprints]

0246 I love the way Hank emotes.

[themisprints]

0243

Hank: Before the woods, there was nothing. Nothing but Yannkapootō.

Phil: What’s yank a poo toe?

Hank: Who is Yannkapootō?

Phil: I don’t know!

Hank: No, you don’t. Otherwise you would have asked, Who is Yannkapootō?

Phil: So who is yank a poo toe then?

Hank: Yannkapootō is the god who created these woods. And the way you’re pronouncing her name is very disrespectful.

John Caputo/God/Amanda Twelvingpost: I am sorely vexed.

Phil: Do you need some cream… or a worming tablet?

John Caputo/God/Amanda Twelvingpost: Do not test me, sacrificial wolf boy.

Hank: BEFORE THE WOODS, THERE WAS NOTHING BUT YANNKAPOOTŌ.

Diego: And Diego. Don’t forget Diego!

Hank: Nothing but Yannkapootō and Dìegö.

Ramona: I love your religious accent, Hank!

Phil: Who was Dîegø? This Diego right here?

Diego: I’m named after him! Tell him Hank!

Hank: Dìegö was the mighty nine-legged armadillo who carried Yannkapootō through the sky.

Phil: I thought you said there wasn’t anything but those two?

Hank: Obviously there was sky. Sky isn’t anything.

Phil: Okay, nothing but Yannkapootō, his armadillo and some sky.

Diego: And ground. There has to be ground because Dìegö never touched the ground.

Phil: Why did he have nine legs then?

Diego: Because he was mighty. Geez! Are you from one of those atheist families that never sent their kids to Sunday school?

Phil: I didn’t go to Sunday school in the woods.

Diego: Where else would you go?

Phil: I went to a Baptist church.

Diego: You heathen! Yannkapootō does not dwell in houses made by human hands. The trees are our cathedral.

John Caputo/God/Amanda Twelvingpost: Actually a house made by human hands sounds pretty good TBH. Especially if those same human hands were feeding me some tuna and some milk now and again.

Hank: John Caputo, I’ve told you before that milk and tuna are bad for your thyroid.

John Caputo/God/Amanda Twelvingpost: *Sniff* If Diego hadn’t eaten your briefcase, I would pee in it right now.

[Awkward silence]

Phil: Er, so just to be clear before the woods there wasn’t anything besides—

Hank: BEFORE THE WOODS, THERE WAS NOTHING BUT YANNKAPOOTŌ, DÌEGÖ, THE SKY, SOME GROUND, A PANTHEON OF LESSER GODS AND THEIR REMARKABLE BEASTS, A FLOWER THAT BORE THE POLLEN OF DESTINY, THE RIVER THAT WATERED THE FLOWER THAT BORE THE POLLEN OF DESTINY, AND THE TRICKSY FISH THAT SWAM IN THE RIVER THAT WATERED THE FLOWER THAT BORE THE POLLEN OF DESTINY. CAN I GET ON WITH THE STORY PLEASE OR WOULD YOU PREFER ME TO LIGHT A FIRE BENEATH THAT CAULDRON AND COOK YOU ALL?

Phil: Story’s great, right guys? Let’s go with the story.

Hank: When Yannkapootō became bored of travelling across the sky on Dìegö’s back, she said, ‘Dìegö, I’m bored of travelling across the sky on your back. I wish to make some woods. Open your mouth.’

Hank: Dìegö knew that Yannkapootō was not a god to be trusted, so he shut his mouth tight and held it closed with his three forelegs. Of course this did not stop clever Yannkapootō. She plucked a feather from the Night Stork.

Phil: Would you be cross if I asked where the Night Stork came from?

Hank: Exceptionally cross. She plucked a feather from the Night Stork and used it to tickle Dìegö’s nose. Dìegö let go of his nose with all three legs and snatched at the feather. Dìegö was fast but Yannkapootō was faster. The feather danced around his bulbous nose, always tickling, always just out of reach. Soon the tickling overcame Dìegö and he opened his mouth to sneeze. Yannkapootō quickly shoved one of the Nine Wooden Columns of Wisdom into Dìegö’s mouth and wedged it so tight that Dìegö couldn’t budge it. More important, he couldn’t close his mouth.

Diego: That’s why we armadillos always take great care to avoid toothpicks and wisdom!

Phil: Speaking of wisdom, please notice that I haven’t even mentioned the unexplained arrival of the the Nine Wooden Columns of Wisdom.

Ramona: You totally just mentioned it.

Phil: But only to point out that I wasn’t mentioning it, so it doesn’t counts.

Ramona: Oh, it counts! Look at Hank’s face.

Phil: Hank’s a fish! His face looks exactly the same as before.

Ramona: Seeing as Phil already mentioned it, where did the Nine Wooden Columns of Wisdom come from?

Hank: They were just there.

Phil: But that makes no sense! You said there was nothing but—

Hank: THIS IS A STORY ABOUT RELIGION! YOU CAN’T EXPECT IT TO MAKE SENSE! NOW SHUT UP AND LET ME CARRY ON!

[Another awkward silence. Hank wipes sweat from his forehead, which is weird because fish don’t sweat.]

Hank: So Dìegö’s mouth was wedged wide open with one of the Nine Wooden Columns of Wisdom. Yannkapootō spoke all the stories of the woods down Dìegö’s throat. She spoke the stories to the pigeons and hedgehogs in Dìegö’s stomach. She told stories of trees and of birds and—

Phil: Sorry for interrupting again, but – there were pigeons and hedgehogs in Dîegø’s stomach?

Diego: First of all, it’s Diego, not Dîegø.

Hank: Actually, it’s Dìegö

Diego: Second, how else is he supposed to digest things?

Phil: Er, bacteria and stomach acid?

Diego: Is that what they taught you at Baptist Sunday School?!Bacteria might be fine for you and me but Diego is a mighty nine-legged armadillo. Bacteria are far too small for his digestive system.

Phil: Okay… but how?

Diego: Pecking and poking, obviously. You’re really dumb for a wolf, Phil.

Hank: Slowly, over nine æons of unending autumn, the pigeons and hedgehogs digested all Yannkapootō’s stories of the woods. Slowly, over nine æons of unending autumn, Dìegö worked the wooden pillar out of his mouth. And through all those nine æons Yannkapootō watched, implacable. At the end of the ninth æon of autumn, Dìegö pulled the pillar free and fell into exhausted sleep for an entire winter.

Hank: Yannkapootō gazed at Dìegö. She looked at the Pillar of Wisdom laying on the earth beside him. She considered returning it to its place with the other eight then decided she couldn’t be bothered. She licked her paw. She—

Diego: [vibrating with excitement] Tell us about spring, Hank! I love this bit!

Hank: You have no reverence, Diego. [Hank sighs.] When spring came and the sun warmed the nothingness, Dìegö awoke. He stretched. He stood on his nine legs. And he announced: I NEED A POO. There was no tree to duck behind so he did his poo right then and there in front of Yannkapootō. He released an enormous poo. He shat forth the woods. The pigeons and hedgehogs and Dìegö’s intestines had done their work. From the mighty armadillo’s bottom proceeded trees and birds and rivers and fish and grass and creatures both sublime and ridiculous. He shat creation with such great force and for so long that he cried out, ‘My lord, will I ever stop!?’ And Yannkapootō replied, ‘Not until you have excreted the last rabbit.’

Hank: When at last a baby black rabbit dropped to the forest floor, Dìegö was finished. Yannkapootō looked at the woods and smiled and said, ‘This will keep me entertained for a while.’

Ramona: Ah! You’re religion is so sublime and beautiful! I think it could really help me find my true self. Where I come from, religion is all shredding live salmon and bee sting rituals.