Do you ever see something that makes you feel physically sick
But like, it isn't gross to other people, but to you it makes your stomach drop and you genuinely feel like you're gonna die and cry and hurl everywhere? I got that feel.
Since nobody else will, here's my way to book the Divas division at Mania.
Background (aka, you can skip this if you can tell the Funkadactyls apart, or the name Kaitlyn makes you shed a tear):
This is AJ Lee. She has held the female's division championship title belt longer than anyone since this belt was established in 2008. AJ Lee's character is built around the following:
While she is very petite, she is the best in the division. Many months ago, AJ cut a promo on (performed a speech in the general direction of) the rest of her division, calling them plastic and interchangeable. She has said she wants no part in their reality television world (more on that later). Somehow, the WWE turned this promo into her being a heel (read: Evil), with the commentators frequently calling AJ jealous of the attention and TV time her competitors have achieved.
She has the date she won the title tattooed on the back of her neck, something that the all-male commentary team refers to frequently with more than a little of a mocking tone.
Crazy, but don't say that word around her. She's unstable and could flip out.
She has had a few on-screen relationships with wrestlers, most notably Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, and Dolph Ziggler.
AJ has a bodyguard, Tamina, who has helped her cheat her way out of a number of title defenses.
It is called the WWE Divas Championship because female wrestlers in the WWE are called Divas, because we must never forget that this company doesn't even know what being Progressive means. Maybe they let Flo & Progressive Auto Insurance sponsor them once. That would be about it.
The division is unfortunately as poorly kept as it gets in pro wrestling. It's bigger names currently are:
• Nikki & Brie Bella: twins who used to cheat using their similar appearance, which worked until one of them got breast implants. They are the mean girls of the WWE. They used to be horrible, and are getting better.
• Natalya Neidhart (who is related to wrestling's famed Hart family), who can barely deliver dialogue and whose most memorable plot from recent memory involved her flatulence.
• The Funkadactyls (cheerleader characters who dance male wrestlers to the ring) who I will refer to from here on in as Funka & Dactyl.
• Summer Rae, who is the wrestler Fandango's valet & dance partner. Very talented, but only gets to live up to her potential on the online-only show NXT.
The rest of the talent roster are even less defined than those I have just listed, whose characters I have completely defined above. Names like Alicia Fox and Aksana, who are still employed because WWE hasn't fired anybody since Linda McMahon's political aspirations turned firings into bad PR.
This is where you skip to if you know the difference between Emma's dance and the Fandango.
After Wrestlemania 29 (somewhat famously) featured zero divas matches, and the time since that event has featured the debut of the WWE's hit E! reality series Total Divas, I think getting the women onto the main card of Wrestlemania is an easy inevitability.
The company is very proud of Total Divas, it may not be bringing over viewers from E!, but they advertise the crap out of the show, and see it as a great thing for their image. Personally, I think the show makes the Funkadactyls and the Bellas look like trash, but maybe that's what Reality TV does.
I'm so confident that there will be a divas match on the card, that I've started wondering how the WWE could accomplish both getting the Total Divas cast on the card, and allow AJ Lee to get her shine. This lead me to an almost impossible to have predicted a year ago theory:
There is a small chance we'd get two divas matches at WM30. And it could be done half in the Lazy-WWE writing style of a Battle Royale for the #1 contenders spot, followed up by a championship defense by AJ.
Each of those options by themselves would be enough for a likely packed card to handle, but the lack of direction in the division, and want to show off a litany of Divas in the same night could be solved thusly:
The Lazy All Divas Battle Royale:
Featuring, the cast of regulars: Cameron, Naomi, Brie, Nikki, Summer Rae, Emma, Tamina, Aksana, A. Fox, Natalya, and even Rosa Mendes. Also, if we're lucky, some surprises.
This could happen on a Raw for all I know, but I think having a contender show up for the match against AJ already weary is a great move to help put someone over if they took the title.
Prediction: if the above list is all they can offer the card, then the progress up until now points to Naomi, who could then win the title from AJ.
What I'd want: either midway through the match, or maybe earlier in the promotion for the match, you announce that one or more of the NXT female wrestlers will be participating. I'd prefer for it to happen midway through the match, and have Paige, the British-born NXT Women's Champion, rush the ring, and just clean house.
Then, the Proper Singles Match:
If we did get Paige, you could build her up as strong rival for AJ, with her saying she's owned the women of NXT just as easily as AJ has dominated the Divas division. I think you have AJ win, but by less than noble ways, and set up a rematch at Extreme Rules, where Paige goes over.
If someone else currently listed as a WWE Diva wins the belt from AJ, I have no idea how to write it unless you actually write something inventive. The WWE has tried and failed to create rivalries between AJ and the rest of her division. Which is why her defending her title at Mania against one of them would feel like a repeat to me.
You could, in theory have former WWE Divas Lita or Trish return for a feud, which would be more like #2, but AJ's promo that begins this process can have a historical context. Add to that how weird things would be in kayfabe/shoot with Lita, with her being an ex of CM Punk (who, I'm assuming you know, AJ is dating IRL).
Resign the newly fit Awesome Kong. Have her squash AJ. That would be a Wrestlemania Moment.
Turn Tamina Snuka face. But this assumes the reopening of the death of Nancy L. Argentino doesn't give more bad press to Vince.
Easy, Lazy, Worst Booking, AND Historically Likely:
AJ & E! "Celeb" 1 vs. Naomi & E! "Celeb" 2. Or Brie Bella & "Celeb" 2. You can't write off those Bellas. History has shown the WWE using the Divas to get some pop culture attention, maybe bringing in the newly returned to ESPN Michelle Beadle.
And my one-WM march Darkhorse Least Likely Option, Especially Because You Get Nobody from Total Divas on the show:
The NXT Women's Divison Invasion
I can't tell what the problem with the division is, aside from Natalya being sloppy in the ring and on the mic, and nobody being written for at all. The division will never get enough time on a show to have two decent matches a night (do we even get one?) but if you want a fun way to re-set on the female division, you can do a kind of invasion angle.
The NXT female roster are not called Divas. It's the NXT Women's Championship that Paige holds. Bring up a slew of talent, who can argue that they're more legit than the Divas. May have AJ start to lead them until they turn on her, telling her she's held that Butterfly Title, and that makes her part of the problem, not the solution. Start a feud or two with it. Have AJ keep the belt at Mania, though. Let someone go over and take it from her at a subsequent PPV.
