Challenge Accepted: Here are the my three favourite archaic polearm weapons (with reasons) (and jokes) by A. Cushion
The Internet is a great place, full of people who are awesome. And I have a pretty good knack for hunting them down and starting conversations with them. This is how I met Grant Howitt. He's a Tech Journalist. His writing is amazing - Exhibit A.
Based on the aforementioned piece of wonderment in written form, I told Grant I would go on a writing date with him. He accepted. What is a writing date? Good question. I sure as hell didn't know.
So I invented it. I asked him to dare me to write about anything. Anything at all. That I would research it and blog about it. The title is his challenge to me.
Polearm weaponry has been an interest and speciality of mine for about three weeks - give or take. But since it's such an area of interest for me, I thought I'd share with you my three favourite polearm weapons.
Before I go about unveiling things let me tell you about polearm weaponry. Because until I received my challenge to write about these fine forms of kill-stabbery (stab-killery?), I knew about as much about polearm weapons as I did about the intricacies of making Venetian lacework).
Polearm weaponry, for you poor souls who've not devoted your lives to it as I have, refers to man's insatiable need to put something dangerous, metal and pointy on a stick. These sticks generally ranged in length between about 4 and 14 ft. Why? Because fuck you metric system - you didn't exist. While defined as a close-combat weapon they allowed you to keep a little bit of extra distance between you and your enemy.
Now, I have to say, going into close combat back in the day (anywhere between about the 11th and 18th century), you would certainly favour a polearm weapon if you had the strength. The kinds of damaging things men attached to sticks varied more than the attachments for my food processor (which are also sharp and pointy but generally only dangerous to the chick peas I'm about to make into hummus).
They ranged from your stock-standard sharp and pointy spears to maces and axes capable of head severage.
I imagine, polearms were favoured by fighty-types for the fact that they were relatively easy to fight with compared to swords when decked out in full armour. With some polearms, a simple thrust forward could achieve more than swinging a broadsword about.
Honestly, my favourite thing about polearm weapons is that they were so much more well developed than peoples' ability to spell at the time.
But enough about polearms in general here are my top three polearm weapons.
Drumroll! *drums on tummy*
Coming in at number three we have:
If you wanted to keep maximum distance between you and your foe while still dealing damage, this is the weapon you want. Generally between 10 and 14 feet (3-4 meters in new money) it only required you hold and point while on horseback. It'd stab your enemy or their horse (I would not recommend injuring horses - you don't know why she's ended up under your enemy she might have been signed up to the war effort under false pretenses and actually be really quite a nice person).
Also, if you used a pike, you got a really cool title. Pikeman! I mean, really, what more could you ask for? Ok probably not to die. But if you hadn't noticed you're living in the middle ages and you're a man. Face it dude. The odds were always against you.
Nothing says "I will fuck you up" quite like the trident. I mean, you might think that your soft, spongy body could cope with a three-pronged attack but stick that in your gut and you could very easily find yourself with a damaged spine and two fewer kidneys. Not to mention how poorly your digestive system would work after a run in with this baby.
Ok. Admission time. My real reason for selecting the trident is as a homage to 5 year old me who loved The Little Mermaid. Neptune rocked his trident. And let's face it. Musclebound magical king of the sea or no, without it, he was just a weirdo in a shell carriage pulled by dolphins.
Alright. I won't put it off any longer. This is the moment you've all been waiting for. My number one polearm weapon.
Why? You ask incredulously. WHY? Because Link used that thing like a fucking boss.
Clearly the above image is only achievable thanks to a hax, but it's depressingly hard to find a good shot of him wielding it.
Back to actual fighting, the hammer was the ultimate weapon in my opinion for dealing damage. You could basically role a 1 and still break bones. Depending on your DM, they may have been your bones, but that's just the kind of weapon this is. There is nothing better for cracking skulls than this baby, I don't care if you have a helm on. This bitch will kill you pretty much of the time. The only way someone could whack you with one of these babies and you wouldn't die, would be because you're an actor and there's CG and you're not actually being hit.
This ladies and gentlemen, concludes my exploration into polearm weapons. It wasn't easy. I had high hopes of being able to find tonnes of literature about it - given I work in a University. Turns out, not so much. I guess it's was never likely to be the most researched topic at the University of Tasmania but still. I got lost in the library and still only found one vaguely relevant book. On a not unrelated note, Arms & Armor of the Medieval Knight by David Edge and John Miles Paddock is pretty comprehensive if a little dry.
I do so hope you all enjoyed that. It only happened because of a writing date. Personally, I hope they take off, because this was some of the best fun I've had. I especially hope Grant enjoyed it. Because guess what? Tag. Your it. Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to write about Venetian lacework, seeing as I still don't know anything about it.
Sorry I was a little late to the writing date!
