#xiuthoughts

[calicookies]

its so crazy how fast things can change … and i will always wonder if its right or wrong to be carried along fast waves or am i forgetting who am i ?

[calicookies]

i want to be able to improve myself for the last few months of this year

talking to a friend whose really into self development pulled me out of a space in my head when she asked me “what type of energy do you want to radiate? is this what you really want to define you ?” in a fit of rage and ultimately—the green haze of insecurity that washed over me … it was embarrassing as eye opening for someone like me whose self worth was always just a poke away from disintegrating to be asked …

i want my partner to think of me nicely not only because he likes me, but because i’m essentially just a nice and good and smart person on my own that it wont be weird for him to compliment me, yk ? people would agree and it would just be better for me anyway so i STOP!!! being insecure which is a trigger to me reverting back to my old ways i thought i already outgrew :”””)

i want to have hobbies and a space to learn and relearn things and change my way of mind everyday … my sense of self isnt all just entirely fixed to being his but also because i am me and this is who he loves and i was given this important space for him to become vulnerable and safe … i want to be so much better for him and for myself ultimately

i saw a person classify hobbies into three categories: free, coffee shop ( where i lend a small amount of money ) and investment hobbies .. in this post ill list down mine in that order

free hobbies

drawing ( i should be able to buy that sketchpad after my midterms )

READING !!!! ( butchfemme lit, gothic lit !!!! )

walking

watching gameplays Lol

LISTEN TO MORE MUSICCCC

coffee shop & investment hobbies are still mulled over, i rlly dont like spending money so ill probably spend it on art + new clothes Hehe

the things i really plan to change about myself are:

acting too much upon my emotions

being a know it all (｡ ˇ‸ˇ ｡)

insecure about myself and my place in life

no sense of self at all …..

easily emotional !!! i kind of need to tone down a bit lol

just being dumb as hell

im sure it will all take a very long time, but im in no position to rush myself, just a bit of self goals and journaling to look back on to urge myself to progress :3

[calicookies]

i just found the loveliest blog here that could verbalize my desires im in awe

[calicookies]

my bf is the sweetest and warmest person in the world …. he touches me so well and kindly and kisses part of my body i never ever even thought could be kissed :””) i love him dearly

[calicookies]

overdue life update LOL

its now the last week of september, and it has been officially 98 days since june 22nd of this year .. here’s an update of what had happened

long story short: on that day, i got stupidly drunk and stupidly asked him to kiss me because we have been kind of skirting around the edges of what could’ve been since we’re both aware of this well… specific feeling of cant get enough of one another type shit …. so one thing led to another and my brain just made me do that ( red horse thank you fr )

i went there with the expectation of Nothing Happening . that i could honestly pass it up as a drunken confession and move on ……… Well……….

so erm safe to say things had happened tm and feelings were felt and there are a lot of unleashed feelz let out in the wild …. and june ended on that note #happypridemonth to me ↖(^ω^)↗

july and august is pretty much the same :3

i think its a bit funny to navigate a life with this new dynamic between the two of us, and there would be times that it would be incredibly difficult for me to unfeel unnecessary feelings and to stop yk … guessing what he feels and settling to the absolute worst case scenarios lol … but he’s the best thing i could ever ask for in this life, thats my soulmate o(︶︿︶)o no other platonic/romantic feelings would remove that reality for me thats for sure and i hope he knows that

huhuhuhu i love him …. in ways words wouldn’t even begin to surmise… its hard to do a life update about what im doing with things rn with him since there isnt a way for me to say it without gushing and its gonna be a lil bit embarrassing if i do say so myself

i love the peace and the quiet and our thing as being ours … so perfect for me :”””(

well thats it for now !! im gonna keep our relationship with lesbianism our thing for now because i love learning to be a femme with him hehehe

[calicookies]

there are so many things that is so very cruel in this world and my boyfriend will be no exception …. but then again, its the thought of being loved regardless of the ache of being real is what truly matters

[calicookies]

year twenty-five: xiu update !!! :3

the last time i poured my chest here was last year december and its already february !!! valentines was just over and wow how quick does time flies oh boy...

well, to start i lost my phone :) yeah, nothing so thrilling about that especially with the high and joy i felt while i was at the province . i was able to catch up with my sisters and family and now we're all going through a hard time ... happy belated birthday to my sister and grandma btw !!!

i wanted to write again because i've been indulging myself with other hobbies but what remains of me is well, im still like the same i was before ? i didn't have a great breakthrough and allat but i wanted to reflect in how i'm doing and my thoughts about what do i even actually feel .. this blog is my out practically for feelings i really cant say nor tell anyone and while quite forgotten bc i feel like my burts of feelings come in passing and not enough for me to write a whole ass blog about it, there will come a time i kinda have to just to make myself think about it less----which is why im here today

oh where was i again ? right .. so my codependency with my friend is idk still here .. idk and i wont ever know for better or for worse but yeah i really do dread and lament it sometimes .. the other day i caught myself almost saying something about it to my other friend but thank god for me because i rlly do NOT !!! tell anybody these stuffs cause its embarrassing and i dont really think anybody will really get it yk ???? but i did KINDA when i was drunk w my friends and well yeah, the usual " idk why but sometimes i feel jealous but im aware its not the romantic type but like its also kinda just really weird overall to me bc he means a lot " STUFF that makes me so omega frustrated !!!!!!!!!!!!! TYPING THIS NOW IS MAKING ME FEEL WEIRD TOO so yeah and they told me to maybe stop spending time w him so i'd know and yeah so i can experience more stuffs but yk the drill: i dont really wanna, i really like his company and i search for it; even tidbits of it in everyone yk ??? hanging out w other people feels like im wearing a skin that i shed when im alone or when im hanging out w him, and its less draining, and less hard to think of something to say ....... yeah typing that makes me wanna bang my head to a wall

and while ik that alr, the reason im typing this is cause i feel stupid about it sometimes .. like, im the only one who really does things like wait for him for hours ( i also did that ON my birthday but hes like the only friend i wanna hang out w anyway so ) ( i should write about what happened on my 18th birthday soon ) and all that stuff and yeah i feel sad and pathetic over it cause ik he wont ever be like that to me AND WHILE IM NOT EVEN ASKING HIM TO !! I WOULDNT ASK THAT OF ANYBODY !!! deep in my heart i really do wish i get treated the same way i treat other people ... i drop everything like a hat when it comes to my friends and especially and it makes me kinda sad to know ILL be that type of friend to them but never not them to me ... yeah overall sometimes i feel stupid and then i think that other people think that i am stupid too

and truth to be told i do feel quite lonely and i dunno.... i feel so complicated and confused

[calicookies]

i wonder if god got tired of hearing my cries when i was 11 and made me feel the rejection when i started feeling alien in the church i go to since i was a child