#xjpx

[infj-love]

This is how I love.

I don’t want normal. I don’t want dullness. I don’t want convenience. I don't want easy for its own sake.

I want the fire and the flood, I want to risk my everything, not for a toss of a dice, but for the flash of brilliance, for the blinding light of the meteor streaking across the sky; the celestial sign of things to come.

I want the ordinary to be strong, immovable in its rightness.

I want the quiet to be laden, heavy with the heart’s own beat.

I want the duty to be a gift, a clear-eyed sacrifice willingly made.

I want the day to be bursting with hope and possibilities, and the night to be filled with intimate secrets and endless dreams.

I want hearts to be laid open, not in desperation but in communion.

I want the heat to be a raging inferno and the glowing embers, all at once, ever burning, never fearful that they should ever be smothered.

This is how I love. With every fibre of my being.

This is how I love. Without pride, without reserve, without pretense.

This is how I love. With quiet thought, with determined bravery, with extraordinary gentleness.

All of this is how I love. And this is how I deserve to be loved.

[infj-love]

A little too much tonight

The buzz is pleasant

But underneath

The wanting and grief grows louder

Constant

It's all too familiar

Time to sleep and hope it fades by daylight

[infj-love]

Life has been busy. I feel like I am constantly on the move, filling my days with tasks and goals and projects. It has been gratifying.

But the pressure has also been building. It's been a week where his presence and that pain has stayed so close. I have no idea why.

Last night I dreamed of him. It's been so long since I've seen him, I had hoped it was behind me. But in this dream we had somehow reconnected and I was hovering at the edges of him. He had met someone that he wanted to be strong for, someone sweet but troubled and who he needed my assistance for, and I could only ask uselessly, why. There were no answers and the resultant pain led me awake.

It was only a dream. I will not try and verify anything from it. But truly, I am beginning to surrender to the idea that I will never love someone so completely, so effortlessly... So hopelessly in hope.

[infj-love]

I never knew helplessness, until I met you.

[infj-love]

I dreamed of you, again.

Well, you weren't there, because when you are, I know it's not real. But I spoke of you, with your friend. Of how much I missed you, and how badly I just wanted to see you. I woke up aching, as I so often do.

Must I always have this weight upon me? Does it never dissipate? I may forget at times, be distracted, for a few moments, a few hours or even a day. But as always, the soul remembers.

[infj-love]

Maybe I should stop posting, trying to mark and count the days, as if I'm in a prison, waiting to be released into your arms. But has it really been two years since I first met you?

This infinite love I have for you is as present and alive as ever. I know that this will not change. Most days I am able to ignore it, keep myself occupied, and lose myself in one task or another. But ever in the quiet, I find my voice, the joy in my soul, the gift of peace and home, the simulacrum of you.

Happy anniversary, my precious heart. Please look after yourself.