#xmindabullcrap

[xmindataia]

Me 5 years ago: SONIC WEABO aw sweet look at all my fan characters there so choice

Me now: *on tumblr* oh wow is that sonic fan art... what is sonic rivals... this is sonic rivals 2? i missed one when did what did WHAT

Me from 5 years ago: I'm so disappointed in you

[xmindataia]

i was suicidal from the time I was 11 to 14 because I was bullied so heavily, all i want to do with my life now is to let people know someone out there loves them, because I love them. I forgive everyone who bullied me not because they deserve it, or because I am okay with what happened but because I do not want anyone to have the control over my heart that comes with holding a grudge.  

Several of my closest friends have all been through their respective shit and are still going through some, and if any of them are reading all my bullshit here, I admire you for working through what you are working through,Do not read this and think i am not talking to you because i am talking to every single one of you beloved little shits. and remember I am always here for you and am proud of you for being you and all the things you do. Recently a lot of people I love have gone lost to me. My dad is on the other side of the world with the military, my only living grandmother is in a bad place, and many many many of the rocks i depended on have died. my mom broke her leg a few weeks ago so i have really been in charge of everything, and it's fucking hard. But life is hard, I've learned with all this stuff happening in a span of a year that when something bad happens you can't just say it's okay I'm fine.  There where several times i did that and tried to make myself believe it. But all that did was allow all my pain to build up until i reached my breaking point.  I'm not going to say that I have all my shit together because I don't.  But I am picking up some pieces and leaving others behind. and i look forward and think of an amazing chance.  I haven't tried to plan, or seriously thought about suicide since I was 14, and I'm graduating highschool and leaving this town for a new life and adventure in 2014. 

[xmindataia]

Now I know how my Character feel, something life changingly bad has happened every 2 months or less for the past year, and in between that amazing stuff happens too, i just have one thing to say.... STOP

[xmindataia]

uhh my head hurts, and I feel sick.  I wanna talk to people but  don't wanna talk in groups. I wanna rp but i don't want to ask. I wanna lay down but I wanna dance. I wanna sleep but my mind wont slow down.  I have 99 problems and i want to add my way of, being nice but in the long run fucking myself over, to that list. I wanna talk to people about how i feel bu i don't want to burden them so i guess i will just lay er until my head stops.

[xmindataia]

why do i do this to myself?

[xmindataia]

Rambling ignore me

Sometimes I wish I could work hard and cash that work into something.  I want to do amazing things in life.  Part if me wishes i could go on a great adventure, walk across the country, and make a name for myself.  Meet people who will love me for what I am, and not who I am or who I am related to.  I want to preform and sing in front of thousands of people just to disappear into the night.  I want to over hear people talking about me as if i were amazing.   I want to be an amazing artist but i know no matter how good I get I will always think it is horrible. I always feel like I'm sparring with myself locked in a constant battle with myself because I'm so fucking dumb. ahg dfnfnjf

[xmindataia]

so I have issues where my blood pressure sometimes bottoms out, sometimes when it does sometimes it causes panic attacks, o yesterday it bottomed out and mom brought me home and i sat for a while and was fine after a few hour, that's pretty normal. Today I'm sitting on the sofa and    I stretch, next thing I know everything is black and I wake up a half hour latter.  that's not normal at all. what the hell

[xmindataia]

I got some of the coolest stuff in the mail yesterday, from a country far away.  One that gets a lot of shit because a lot of Americans, especially where I live, are super closed minded.  This cool stuff came from a country where there culture seems so dark ages but it is still beautiful.  That amazing package came from my dad who is currently stationed in Afghanistan. One day when there is peace, I hope I get to go visit the middle east and most of its countries.