everything i wanted
description: sometimes love isn’t enough
genre: angst
pairing: park chanyeol x reader
word count: 1,362
a/n: yes the end is terrible but i wanted to go ahead and post it ;)
“What is it about me?”
“What do you mean?”
Chanyeol looked up from his phone and settled all his attention on you. To his surprise he was met with you in a state he’d never really seen before. You had tears streaming down your face. Your chest was heaving heavily, and automatically he hated himself for not noticing you like this sooner.
“Hey, hey, hey, y/n what’s wrong?” He immediately sat up and rushed to your side. Forming words became harder and harder for you as time went on. Chanyeol realized this, and sat there waiting for you to calm down, wiping your tears away as they fell.
You didn’t mean to fall apart like this. You’d made up your mind that you were gonna be civil, have a real conversation with him, unlike every other time where both of you beat around the bush until there was no point in carrying the subject any further. But your emotions had ended up getting the better of you and here you were now.
You knew there was no use in waiting until you’d calmed down to try and speak to him. Your heart was racing a mile a minute and the more you sat here the harder it was to keep your thoughts together.
“What’s wrong with me Yeol? Why can’t you love me?” The sadness that took over his eyes was more than you could bare. If you wanted to stay sane you had to look away. “I’ve always been here for you, cared about you, tried my best to be the one person that never let you down, that no matter what you knew you could count on, and where has that gotten me? Your second, third, fourth choice. The last person on your mind no matter who else was around.”
“Y/n it’s not like that. It never has been.”
“Are you sure ‘cause it certainly never feels that way.”
“I just,” Chanyeol stopped mid sentence. You knew that he didn’t quite know how to continue.
“I love you. I love you much much more than I can even express Yeol.”
“And I love you too. You’re my best friend. We’ve been together through everything together.”
“And that’s just it. You love me cause I’m your best friend, nothing more, nothing less. For years I’ve had this stupid, hopeless crush that I knew was bound to hurt me, but I didn’t care because at least I had you in my life somehow ya know. And I tried to confess my feelings for you over and over again and you’d always find some way of ignoring it, as if I’d never said anything in the first place. And at one point, when I’d finally convinced myself that you didn’t and probably could never feel the same way about me that I did about you, it felt like you went out of your way to prove me wrong. Flirting with me, spending as much time with me as possible, blowing off everyone else just for me. You made me feel like I was the only girl you’d ever want to be with and maybe just maybe I had a chance. And then every single time, you fall hopelessly for someone else. They become your entire world and it’s just fuck me. You won’t talk to me. I try to text you, call you. No response. Or if I do get a response your too busy or your newest girlfriend is over and you can’t talk right now so you’ll call back later and then never do. All up until she breaks your heart too and then you come running straight back to me. And the cycle happens all over again.”
There was no way to stop the fresh wave of tears from falling, so Chanyeol had stopped trying. For once he was actually sitting here listening to your every word, which was a relief for two reasons. One, you were finally telling him exactly how you felt. And two, the aching feeling that you knew all too well had settled into your chest as you spoke, making focusing on anything besides it a chore.
“I feel so selfish for feeling the way I do, as if I deserve your love and attention just for being here for you, but I know that’s not quite how I feel. Like it’s not that I expect or deserve anything from you, but it’s more like I’m the only one who’s ever truly made an effort to express to you how much they actually care about you and your feelings and just every and anything else that makes you who you are, but I’m not good enough for your love. I’m only ever good enough to be played and lead on until you’ve finally found someone you’re interested in. And it’s so so unfair ya know. Most people tell me to get over myself and move on, but god it’s so hard. I’ve tried countless times to just keep moving and throw away all these feelings I have bottled up for you, but over the years I’ve had been able to get to know the real you. Not the you you are when you’re with your boys or at school. Not the you that tries to impress girls. The real you. The one that no one would expect to be but is very kind hearted and sensitive. The one who cares way too much about what other people think of him, but tries even harder not to show it. The one that tries way harder than he even needs to when he’s given something to accomplish because even though we all know you’re fully capable, you want to be completely sure you’ll be able to get it done the best way possible. ”
“And all these little things that I’ve learned and admired for so long has been what’s always kept me coming back for more or to stick around for whatever else was to come because damn I was so excited for whatever you were ready to set your mind to the next.”
From the moment you opened your mouth till now you hadn’t stopped crying. You were exposing more than you had even anticipated for, but not for a second did you think about stopping yourself. You knew it was time to get all this off your chest and you had to do it, no matter the cost.
You looked over at Chanyeol. Somewhere throughout your outpouring of emotions he’d started crying too. This was something you hadn’t expected either. In your mind you’d prepared yourself for him to blow this conversation off too and everything to go back to normal as always, but apparently your words had finally gotten through to him.
“I’m not good enough for you.” He managed to mumble out in the middle of his own cries. “I never have been. You’re incredible, ya know? I’ve always tried to live up to the kind of guy you deserved, but I’ve just never known how. I thought I could do it, be that guy you needed and damn all I did was fuck it up. You deserve fucking everything this planet can offer and I couldn’t even be a good enough friend to realize all I was doing was hurting you. There’s no excuse to leading you on but I need you to know that was never ever my intention. All those girls were my attempts at getting over you and it never worked but I was determined to get you off my mind.”
“Why didn’t you just talk to me Yeol? Tell me how you actually felt? I was always there to listen.”
“Because I was trying not to hurt you. I failed miserably I guess.”
You couldn’t help but laugh despite how serious the conversion was. “Yeah ya think.”
“I know, I know. But Y/n I’m truly so so sorry. I love you. I really do, so much more than you think I do. All I wanted to do was protect you from me. Protect you from pain like this instead of being the source of it all.”
