"I wanted you to stay, but the clouds wanted you home early I suppose."
Wowoww Happy fathers day gang uhhh- wow can you believe the first time my persona appears is for an angst post??? Well- more like a vent in way I suppose but uhm
Yall dont have to read this, I just unm, thought I'd do smth for Father's day for my dad, who, uhm....isn't, here.
TW - Mentions of divorce, smoke/alcohol addiction, abuse, death, illness, maybe mental health and su!cidal thoughts in a way?
AGAIN DONT FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD READ THIS JUST BC I POSTED IT!!!
My dad died when I was around 11 or 12, he was quite a smoker, something that I knew a ton about him, even when I was a small kid, even though I probably shouldnt. My parents never had a healthy relationship back then, when they were together, but my memory is foggy so that spares you the details, verbal fights were the most I got from them. I knew he wasnt a good father, being the smoking alcoholic he was.
I resented him, and avoided going to work with him when my mom wasnt around. To say I hated him would be an understatement, even if I was confused on why me and my mom were suddenly leaving him, even if I hated him, i didnt want to be apart from him.
And during those times when we moved, dad became,,,more tolerable to be around as he became more present in my life compared to my mom even though we lived under the same roof, my mom had work until late so that meant I had to stay with my dad. Though I didn't complain all that much because i had my auntie to keep me company, and I also got free food because my dad own a Wok Shop thing, I guess that's what made me like staying with dad more than my mom, or maybe that's what caused me to realise that my mom was just as bad as him, they both just showed they were shit parents in their own ways I guess.
But even though, whenever I had the offer to visit my cousins on my dad's side, he never mocked or tried to guilt me when I said no, he understood, he listened, and made sure to put boundaries whenever I did go to visit them, especially since the culture there was strong on that side of the family and I often got backlashed by my aunties and uncles for my pickiness and introvertedness.
life was admittedly more better when I was with my dad, and not my mom, though I still catch my dad smoking or vaping, or those times we visited his dad's grave and he drank in honour of him, it was only when I bothered to read the back of his cigar box did I see what happen to those who smoked, I threw the package away in the end, and dad spent a whole 10 minutes looking for it
I should've done that more often if I knew he was going to die 2 and a half years after I moved away from home.
I was neutral at first when I got the news that my dad was at the hospital, I thought he'd recover, I don't know why, I just did I suppose. I felt the same way when hearing he was getting better, then worse, then worse, until finally, my mom told me he had died.
It was stupid, I wasn't shocked that he got sick in the first place because of smoking. And I shouldn't have been shocked when I was told he died.
My mom told me that they'd cremate him, and I'd get his ashes, only for me to hear that his mother got them instead. I was annoyed to say the least. But I took it well, I thought they'd give me his ashes at some point. Then I heard they let his ashes go into a river. That was what made me angry.
I know I probably shouldn't be, my grandma, aunties and uncles knew my dad all his life, but I knew him all *my* life, how was that fair? It was something I always think about still. And now with his ashes and grave placed all away somewhere I don't want to go anymore, I can hardly say I can celebrate Father's day.
It's probably stupid of me to be mad about it, but, it was another thing when years later when on vacation with my mom, she brought up dad, talking about how shit his family treated her, how my dad treated her and me, I knew that, I wasn't dumb. But hearing all this, bothered me, why was she bringing this up now? We were having fun. And she ruined it. All I was thinking was "You're just as bad as him. You both just show how shit you are in different ways. You were good and he was bad, but now? You were bad and he was more good than you could ever be now."
I probably shouldn't be upset or mourning about my dad, especially all that he's done, but, how can I? Why was she bad-talking him after all this time? Why now? Why not before he died?
I don't think I'll ever forgive my dad for what he's done to me in the past but boy, I hate that I miss him. That I see him as a more better person compared to my mom. I complain that she always overshared but I guess I'm no better lol.
Miss you dad, hope you're doing better than I am, wherever you are...
