real talk i just had a panic attack because the assistant manager at my store didn’t read the book that my store manager writes down all the days off she’s accepted and i saw i was booked to work during my finals...
thank god my sm was working tonight so when i called she reassured me she’d fix it. i love her.
When you can’t nap because you’re worrying so much about all your responsibilities that you can’t fall asleep, but when you go to take care of said responsibilities, you feel too exhausted and overwhelmed with anxiety to handle them.
That sucks a lot.
I have a backlog of grading that would make your head spin, including comments on AP Lit papers that I should have done a long time ago so they’d have time to make final edits in the lab before winter break- but I was so busy planning the next unit and freaking out about other grading (which doesn’t necessarily mean I was doing the other grading- I was just freaking out about it) that I never got around to it. Now even if I give it to one of the composition assistants, it still won’t be done in time to get them to the lab by next week. It doesn’t help that I haven’t finished reading Wuthering Heights, or re-read The Poisonwood Bible, both of which I need to do in order to take care of most of the AP grading. But holy fuck, I do not have time to read.
I keep doing dishes and the kitchen is still a mess. I haven’t done laundry in God knows how long. I’m showering every couple of days, if that. I’m almost a week overdue on grocery shopping- all of my meals have been pieced together from whatever I can find, if I’ve had them at all, because I can’t seem to get around to a comprehensive grocery store trip. I have a ridiculous amount of bills piling up, and it’s not even a lack of money that’s standing in the way of my paying them; my last paycheck was pretty decent-sized and is lasting me a while. It’s just a lot of effort, and stress, and something I don’t want to think about.
I haven’t decorated for Christmas. I’ve hardly bought any Christmas gifts. I haven’t sent out any cards yet.
I’m supposed to finish a draft of next year’s worship calendar for the committee I run, and we finalized the notes for it back in literally October, but I haven’t done it yet. I have an article for the church newsletter that will be maybe 2 paragraphs long and is currently four days late; haven’t written it. I have several emails to send about upcoming services; haven’t sent them.
And there are fun things I want to do (in theory- I’m not feeling much motivation in any particular direction at the moment) right now too. I’d like to go see a movie (maybe Spectre, or Star Wars of course, or In the Heart of the Sea even though people have been saying it’s pretty bad), or watch my latest Netflix, or catch up on TV shows, or any of the other things I like but haven’t gotten around to doing. Instead, even fun things are piling up as much as obligations. Everything feels like too much work- even watching a movie. There are always other things I need to be doing. Everything (fun or not) takes too long and involves too much mental energy.
I don’t know that writing all this out makes me feel any better about it, but it certainly does put it into perspective.
swags today i had my spanish oral exam which was horrific bc i was prepared, i had learnt everything and could speak what i had prepared off by heart days before the exam however i fucking broke down during the exam and had a panic attack which was really sucky bc i started crying in front of teachers which isint fun and i finally did do it but i couldn't focus and ended up getting a C when i probably could have got a high B grade or even an A
i wish i wasnt so nervous and panicy over random things like im not even sure how i feel most of the time bc i worry about things constantly and when i panic i just burst into tears and like i dont even know why i panic over random things and cry and i just fucking do
