you know what, fuck it be free, keep reading that bad fan fiction, keep writing that bad fanfiction, keep using y/n, keep staying up to 4 a.m reading x reader, to be cringe is too be free
summary: two years after everything fell apart, you receive an invitation you never expected. jackie's getting married, and somehow you're on the guest list. when one night of too many drinks and unresolved feelings leads to a moment you both know you can't take back, you're forced to confront what was real and what was just convenient—and whether some mistakes are worth repeating.
warnings: alcohol use, internalized homophobia, physical and emotional infidelity.
note(s): the final part will be released on 12/31.
day 27/31 of angstember. | previous part. | part three.
You almost don't come.
The invitation arrived three weeks ago—thick cardstock with elegant script, your name written in someone else's handwriting. Not Jackie's. Never Jackie's. You're invited to celebrate the bachelorette party of Jackie Taylor, it read, followed by details about a bar in the city, a hotel suite, a night of celebration before she becomes Mrs. Jeff Sadecki.
The wedding invitation itself had come months earlier. Same expensive cardstock. Same impersonal calligraphy. You'd stared at it for hours before shoving it in a drawer. You weren't planning on going. Why would you? You were nothing to Jackie. Just another name on a list, invited out of formality because your social circles still occasionally overlapped. Because it would be weird not to invite you.
But Shauna had called you last week, her voice careful. "You should come. To the bachelorette thing, I mean. It might be... I don't know. It might be good."
"Good for who?"
"Maybe for both of you."
So here you are, standing outside some trendy bar in Manhattan, watching through the window as Jackie's sorority sisters shriek and laugh inside. You can see her at the center of it all—blonde hair perfectly curled, white sash across her dress declaring her the bride-to-be, tiara perched on her head like a crown.
She looks exactly like what she's supposed to be. Perfect. Happy. On track.
Your hand is on the door when you seriously consider leaving. Going back to the subway, back to your apartment, back to your regular life where Jackie Taylor is just a memory you're still trying to forget.
Then Shauna's at the door, pulling it open. "I saw you lurking. Come on, don't be weird."
"I'm not being weird."
"You're being weird." She links her arm through yours, tugging you inside. "One drink. If you hate it, you can leave."
The bar is packed—bachelorette parties seem to be having a moment, because there are at least three other groups with their own sashes and tiaras. Jackie's claimed a corner booth, surrounded by girls you vaguely recognize from college. They're already drunk, already loud, trading stories about Jackie and Jeff's relationship like it's a fairy tale come to life.
You slide into a seat near the end, accepting the drink Shauna pushes into your hand. Vodka cranberry. Your old standby.
Jackie hasn't seen you yet. Or she's pretending she hasn't. She's in the middle of some story, gesturing wildly, and everyone's eating it up. She's always been good at commanding a room, at making people lean in. It's a gift—one you'd been stupid enough to think she'd used just for you, once.
Then her eyes find yours across the table, and something flickers in her expression. Too quick to name.
"Oh my god, you came!" She says it like she's surprised, like she hadn't personally written your name on the guest list. "Girls, you remember—" and she says your name like it doesn't cost her anything.
You raise your glass slightly. "Congratulations."
"Thank you." Her smile is pageant-perfect. "I'm so glad you're here."
The lie sits heavy between you.
------
An hour in, and you're starting to regret coming. The conversation is all wedding planning—centerpieces and seating charts and whether the band or a DJ is classier. You nurse your second drink and try to look interested while internally cataloging your escape routes.
Then Jackie appears at your elbow, having somehow extracted herself from the main group. "Another drink?"
"I'm good."
"Come on, it's my bachelorette party. You have to drink with me." She's already pulling you toward the bar, her hand warm on your wrist. "It's like, a rule or something."
You let her lead you because you've never been good at telling her no. At the bar, she orders shots—tequila, which you both used to hate. She slides one toward you with a grin that's almost mischievous.
"To old friends," she says, raising her glass.
We were never friends, you think. But you clink your glass against hers and throw back the shot. It burns going down, familiar and awful.
"Another," Jackie tells the bartender, and you don't stop her.
Three shots in, and she's closer than she needs to be, her shoulder pressed against yours. "I wasn't sure you'd come," she admits, her voice lower now. "To tonight, I mean."
"Shauna said I should."
"Oh." Something crosses her face—disappointment? "So not because you wanted to?"
You look at her then, really look at her. There's something desperate in her eyes, something that reminds you of that night two years ago when she'd climbed through your window crying. "I don't know why I'm here, Jackie."
"Me neither," she says softly, and you're not sure if she means why you're here or why she is.
The night dissolves into a blur of noise and drinks and Jackie's hand finding yours in the crowd. She doesn't let go, even when her sorority sisters shoot you curious looks. She pulls you onto the makeshift dance floor, laughing at something you said that wasn't even funny, her fingers laced through yours like it's natural.
"Having fun?" Shauna appears beside you during a bathroom break, her expression unreadable.
"I don't know what I'm doing here."
"She wanted you here." Shauna leans against the sink, watching you in the mirror. "I know that doesn't make it easier, but... she did."
"It's been two years, Shauna. Two years of nothing. And now she wants me at her bachelorette party?" You laugh, bitter. "What am I supposed to do with that?"
"I don't know." Shauna's quiet for a moment. "But I know she's not happy. And I know she keeps—" She stops herself, shaking her head. "Never mind. Just... be careful, okay? Both of you."
When you return, Jackie's waiting. "Dance with me," she says, not really a question.
The music's too loud, some Britney Spears song everyone's screaming along to. Jackie pulls you close, closer than friends dance, her arms around your neck. She smells the same—that expensive perfume, underneath it something that's just her.
"I missed you," she says into your ear, quiet enough that it might be a secret.
Your hands are on her waist, and you're both drunk enough that this feels almost okay. Almost normal. "Jackie—"
"Don't." She pulls back just enough to look at you. "Not tonight. Can we just... not tonight?"
You should leave. You should extract yourself from this situation before it becomes something you can't take back. But her eyes are bright with unshed tears and alcohol, and you've never been strong enough to walk away from her when she looks at you like that.
So you dance. You let her hold you. You let yourself pretend, just for a few more hours, that this means something.
------
The hotel suite is chaos—girls scattered across couches and beds, some still drinking, others crashed out. Someone ordered pizza that's getting cold on the counter. Jackie's tiara is askew, and she's kicked off her heels, her feet bare against the carpet.
She finds you on the balcony, where you've escaped for air and space and clarity.
"Hey," she says softly, sliding the door shut behind her. "You disappeared."
"Needed a minute."
"Me too." She joins you at the railing, looking out over the city lights. "It's weird, right? All of this. Being someone's fiancée. Having a bachelorette party. Getting married."
You don't answer because anything you say will be wrong.
"I'm scared," Jackie admits, so quiet you almost miss it. "Is that normal? To be scared?"
"I think so. It's a big decision."
"The biggest." She's not looking at you, staring instead at the skyline. "Sometimes I think about—" She stops, shakes her head. "Never mind."
"What?"
"Nothing. It's stupid."
You turn to face her, emboldened by alcohol and two years of silence. "Jackie. What do you think about?"
She finally looks at you, and there's something raw in her expression. Something that reminds you of those nights in your bedroom when she'd let herself be vulnerable. "Different choices. Different lives. What if I'd been braver, back then."
"Back when?"
"You know when." Her voice breaks slightly. "Don't make me say it."
Your heart is hammering in your chest. "You chose, Jackie. You chose Jeff. You chose that life."
"I know." She steps closer. "I know I did. And I've spent two years trying to convince myself it was the right choice."
"Was it?"
"I don't know." Her hand comes up to your cheek, thumb brushing your skin in a gesture so familiar it hurts. "How fucked up is that? I'm getting married in three months, and I don't know if I made the right choice."
You should step back. Remove her hand. Walk away. But you're drunk and she's here and it's been two years of wanting something you can't have.
When she kisses you, it feels like falling all over again.
You barely make it back inside before you're stumbling toward the bathroom, the only private space in the suite. Jackie's hands are in your hair, your back against the door, and she's kissing you like she's trying to consume you. It's desperate and messy and tastes like tequila and regret.
"Jackie," you manage between kisses, "we can't—"
"I know." She doesn't stop. "I know we can't. I know it's wrong. I know—" Her voice cracks. "I know everything I'm supposed to know. But I can't stop thinking about you. Two years, and I can't stop."
Your hands find her waist, pulling her closer even as your brain screams at you to stop. "What do you want from me?"
"Everything." She's crying now, tears mixing with kisses. "Nothing. I don't know. I want things I'm not allowed to want."
There's something broken in the way she says it, something that speaks to years of shame and hiding and pretending to be someone she's not. You recognize it because you've lived it too—the way you've learned to make yourself smaller, quieter, more palatable. The way you've watched Jackie build her perfect life and told yourself you were okay with it.
She kisses down your neck, and you let her. You let her push your shirt up, her hands on your skin. You let yourself have this one last time, even knowing what it'll cost in the morning.
"I loved you," Jackie whispers against your collarbone. "I still—" She can't finish the sentence. Can't say it out loud, even now.
"I know." Your hands are shaking as you pull her face up to look at you. "I know, Jackie."
When she kisses you again, it's softer. Sadder. The kiss of someone saying goodbye.
You lose track of time. It might be minutes or hours. Eventually, you end up curled on the bathroom floor together, her head on your shoulder, both of you too exhausted and drunk to do anything but breathe.
"What are we doing?" she asks.
"I don't know."
"I'm getting married."
"I know."
"To a man."
"I know."
She laughs, hollow. "God, what's wrong with me? What kind of person does this?"
You don't have an answer. You're both too far gone for easy explanations.
------
You wake up with a pounding headache and Jackie's arm across your waist. The bathroom floor is unforgiving beneath you. Gray morning light filters through the small window, and you can hear movement in the suite beyond—other girls waking up, groaning about hangovers.
Jackie stirs beside you, blinking slowly. For a moment, she looks at you like she used to—open and vulnerable and real. Then reality crashes back in, and you watch her face shutter.
"Oh god," she whispers. "Oh god, we—"
"Jackie—"
She scrambles away from you, putting distance between you like you're contagious. "This was a mistake. This was such a mistake."
The words hit like a slap, even though you knew they were coming. Even though you'd planned to say them first, to beat her to it, to protect whatever dignity you have left.
"Yeah," you hear yourself say, cold and detached. "It was. A mistake. That's all."
Jackie flinches. "I didn't mean—"
"Yes, you did." You stand up, your head swimming. "You meant exactly that. Just like you meant it two years ago when you chose him. When you chose this life."
"That's not fair—"
"Fair?" You laugh, and it sounds cruel even to your own ears. "Nothing about this has ever been fair, Jackie. You don't get to keep doing this to me. You don't get to pull me back in every time you have doubts about your perfect life."
"I wasn't—" Her voice breaks. "I wasn't trying to—"
"What were you trying to do?" You're angrier now, two years of hurt bubbling up. "What exactly was last night supposed to be? One last hurrah before you commit to Jeff? A reminder of what you're giving up? Some kind of twisted bachelorette tradition I'm not aware of?"
She's crying, mascara smudged under her eyes. "I just wanted—I needed—"
"What, Jackie? What did you need?"
"I needed to know if it was real!" The words explode out of her. "I needed to know if what we had was real or if I imagined it. If I've spent two years mourning something that only existed in my head."
You stare at her, struck silent.
"Because if it wasn't real," she continues, her voice shaking, "then I didn't give anything up. I didn't lose anything. I just... I just chose the life I was supposed to choose. But if it was real—" She covers her face with her hands. "If it was real, then what the hell have I been doing?"
The vulnerability in her voice almost breaks you. Almost makes you take it back, gather her in your arms, tell her it was real and it mattered and it's not too late.
But you can't. You can't keep being her secret, her experiment, her what-if.
"It was real," you tell her quietly. "But it doesn't matter. Because you're still getting married. You're still choosing him. You're still choosing the life where I don't exist except as some mistake you made drunk at your bachelorette party."
"That's not—" She drops her hands, looking at you with devastated eyes. "You're not a mistake."
"Then what am I, Jackie? What have I ever been to you besides something you're ashamed of?"
The question hangs between you, unanswerable.
"I'm not—" She stops, swallows hard. "I'm not ashamed of you."
"But you're ashamed of this. Of what we are. Of what it means about you." You can see the truth of it written all over her face. "You can't even say it, can you? Can't even name what we had. What we did."
"Don't." Her voice is small. "Please don't."
"Why not? We're already here. Might as well be honest." You're cruel now, pushing because you're hurt and you want her to hurt too. "Say it, Jackie. Say what you are. What we are."
"Stop." She's sobbing now. "Please stop."
But you can't. "You want to know if it was real? It was. I loved you. I loved you so much I would have done anything for you. But you know what? You were right. It was a mistake. All of it. Because I wasted two years of my life on someone who's too scared to be herself. Someone who'd rather marry a man she doesn't love than—"
"I do love him!" She shouts it, desperate. "I love Jeff. He's good and he's kind and he wants the life I want. He wants marriage and kids and a house in the suburbs. He wants normal. He wants—" Her voice cracks. "He wants what I'm supposed to want."
"And what do you actually want, Jackie?"
She looks at you for a long moment, her eyes red and her face blotchy from crying. When she speaks, her voice is barely a whisper. "It doesn't matter what I want."
"There it is." You feel suddenly exhausted. "That's always been the problem, hasn't it? You've spent so long being what everyone expects that you don't even know who you are anymore."
"That's not true."
"Isn't it? You're marrying Jeff because it's what you're supposed to do. You hooked up with me because I'm what you're not supposed to do. But neither of those things are actually about what you want. They're just... reactions. To pressure. To expectations. To whatever script you've been following since you were old enough to understand that girls like you aren't supposed to want girls like me the way you do."
She's silent, and you know you've hit something true.
"I can't do this anymore," you say finally. "I can't be your secret. Your mistake. Your what-if. I deserve better than that."
"I know." She's still crying, quieter now. "I know you do."
"So this is it. After this, we're done. No more late-night calls. No more showing up at each other's important moments. We're just... nothing."
"Okay." She nods, even though she looks like it's killing her. "Okay."
You move toward the door, ready to leave this bathroom and this hotel and Jackie Taylor behind forever. Your hand is on the doorknob when she speaks again.
"For what it's worth," she says softly, "I did love you. I do. I just—I can't—"
"I know." You don't turn around. "But love isn't enough if you're too scared to choose it."
You leave her there, crying on the bathroom floor. In the main room, Shauna looks up from where she's making coffee. She takes one look at your face and doesn't say anything, just pulls you into a hug.
"Come on," she murmurs. "Let's get you out of here."
As you're gathering your things, you see it—Jackie's purse, open on the couch. Something catches your eye, a flash of your handwriting. But before you can look closer, Jackie emerges from the bathroom, eyes swollen, and you force yourself to look away.
Some secrets are better left alone.
You don't go to the wedding. When the day comes in January, you spend it in your apartment, ignoring your phone. Shauna calls to check on you. You tell her you're fine.
You're not fine.
But you will be. Eventually.
You have to believe that.
------
The box is hidden in the back of her closet, behind her winter coats where Jeff would never look. Inside are dozens of letters, all addressed to you, none of them ever sent.
She's been writing them since that morning in the hotel bathroom. Since you walked away and she let you go because she was too much of a coward to ask you to stay.
Dear Y/N,
I wore white today. I said the words I was supposed to say. I promised forever to a man I care about but don't love the way I loved you.
My mother cried. Jeff's mother cried. Everyone said it was the most beautiful wedding they'd ever seen.
You weren't there. I kept looking for you, even though I knew you wouldn't come. Part of me hoped you would—that you'd stand up during the objections, that you'd give me a reason to run.
But you didn't come. And I didn't run.
I'm Mrs. Sadecki now. I'm learning to answer to it.
She adds the letter to the box and hides it again, deeper this time.
In the living room, Jeff calls her name. Dinner's here. He's ordered her favorite.
Jackie closes the closet door and pastes on a smile.
Warnings - Warnings - substance abuse, violence, abuse, mentions of blood and gore, cursing, c@nnabalism, mentions of death and dying, basic Yellowjackets warnings. Please let me know if I’ve missed any.
The killing moon part 1 | natalie scatorccio x reader (Yellowjackets)
Master list
Words 6k
Chapter one “I heard a rumour, what have you done to her”
"Gabriella you've got work on your footing" She can hear him, she can always hear him, he stays in the back of her mind as a constant reminder that no matter what she wasn't what he had planned for his life, she knew from birth she was a series of supposed to bes', second bests, she was supposed to be born a boy, a mistake made by one of the doctors who didn't look close enough, she was supposed to be an Olympian in the making, for god sake, her father was a soccer coach it was in her genes, but no matter how many things her father had planned for her she always fell second best a constant reminder of what should've been.
Gabriella knew from a young age that she was never going to live up to what her father wanted, but she tried god she tried. She was so selfish for his love, so selfish and so desperate which is why when her father shows praise for another girl on her team, a girl Gabriella hasn't bothered to even get the name of, she feels it, the thing she's felt her whole life and knows she has to get his attention any attention, bad, good anything she needed it, that mindset alone was dangerous but the fact that she had now made eye contact with the stick poking out of the ground was more.
"She's bleeding"
"COACH SHES BLEEDING"
"Gabriella's bleeding"
Gabriella laid on the ground smiling up as everything around her moved at fast paces, she knew she was selfish, how couldn't she be in a life like this when acting selfishly is the only way to receive love.
"JACKIE" a teammate had shouted from somewhere on the grass making Gabriella look towards the girl whose name was being yelled, the Yellowjackets, her father's greatest accomplishment, were currently playing their last game of the season, the game that was the deciding factor of whether or not the Martinez house was going to be silent or boastful. The game so far didn't look too good, the teams coming up on a tie, that's until Gabriella watches as the ball shoots right at Jackie's head bouncing off and landing right into the goal.
For a second it is silent, the realisation of what just happened slowly hitting everyone.
Then it goes.
"WERE GOING TO NATIONALS BITCHES" a scream is heard.
Then a circle forms, and someone's hand grabs Gabriella's wrist and drags her into it as well, she stumbles clashing against her other teammates but no one notices or cares, they're too busy jumping.
"BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" The girls are cheering and laughing so hard that Gabriella can't help but join in, they're going to nationals.
-
"That was a good game, Gabriella," her dad starts and before she can even get happy at the acknowledgment, "but you still gotta work on that left foot of yours" It comes crashing down again, she knows he isn't saying this to be hurtful, lord knows he's said worse, and at this point, she doesn't take his cruel words to heart anymore, the desperation for her father's affection whilst still strong, doesn't crumble her world as much as it used to, at least not since the incident.
Gabriella acknowledges what her father says worth a grumble, then turning to stare at the window, she wonders what it would be like living a life that doesn't feel like a battle for approval, a father that wanted a girl.
After a bit of driving the father and daughter duo pull into the family's garage, the two getting out of the car and heading inside their nice suburban home.
"mija how was the game today" Gabriella's mother greets her, cooking some dinner in the kitchen.
"Was good" Gabriella replies shortly, giving her mom a nod to which her mother just turns back to the task at hand. "You going to nationals?" She hears a voice ask from the kitchen table, it's Javi her little brother, the only other person that's just as much a fuck up in this family as she is. "Yes el perdedor" Gabriella replies while putting a hand in his hair and ruffling it.
"Gabriella leave your brother alone," her mother tsks at the two teenagers "But that's amazing, you Yellowjackets are something".
And Gabriella knows her mother is right, she just hates that she has to share that stage of talent with others.
Gabriella nods at her mother's comment and mumbles something about needing to go to her room for a bit.
-
Gabriella has gone the last four years without forming a singular proper bond with any of her teammates outside of what was necessary, it honestly wasn't something she did on purpose she just didn't have time for a social life by the time she was finished with everything else, soccer and her school came first, people are disposable and are to only been interacted with when they can provide something.
This is why it is very awkward for her on days like this when they're doing a prep rally, a whole event dedicated to them which meant acting like she was happy to be sharing the spotlight.
In the locker room and she stares into her blue locker, thinking of soccer strategies while her teammates all around her are singing along to Salt n Peppas shoop.
"Girls what's my weakness!?"
"MEN!"
The Locker room erupts in louder singing, laughter and what seems like Taissa and Natalie doing a makeshift dance or rap battle with each other, the noise catches Gabriella's attention and she looks at the Miniature concert, as she does she makes eye contact with Natalie, one of her teammates who in particular has a vendetta against Gabriella, she's short to everyone else but Gabriella with shaggy blonde hair that just screams I don't care, and dark eye make up that makes her already piercing blue eyes somehow even more piercing, so piercing in fact that Gabriella takes one look and slams her locker shut walking off, not wanting to feel the strangeness she fills in her stomach, people are disposable.
Gabriella walks into the bathroom area of the locker room seeing more of her teammates in there, Van and Allie, Van is the teams' goalie a pretty girl with sharp features and red hair and Allie is their youngest addition, a freshman that honestly Gabriella doesn't really understand how she got on the team but she doesn't question her father.
Upon Gabriella entering Van looks up smiling at her, " hey flex, You want a bee too?" She says nodding towards the pile of face paint next to her being used to draw a bee currently on allies face, while Allie is mumbling about something.
Gabriella shakes her head no, giving Van what she hopes is a kind smile. It luckily must've come across as such cause Van smiles at her back and then goes back to focusing her full attention on allies cheek.
Looking away from van she spots Lottie standing in the doorway that leads to the auditorium, nodding her head at her in acknowledgment Gabriella realises she hasn't seen one of her team members at all, "where's Jackie?" She asks, why are you asking , she shakes the thought and looks back at Lottie awaiting the reply.
"Coach asked to see her" Lottie says a little sheepishly, Gabriella feels her jaw tense a little at hearing this, she knows what this meeting means and she also knows she should be in there not Jackie, but she doesn't voice these opinions just puts a polite smile back on and nods.
Disposable
Gabriella turns away from the other girls back here and looks in the mirror fixing her appearance up, looking at herself she takes notice of everything, her nose is too long too manly she thinks, her brows are too unkept, her blue eyes look dull and lifeless opposed to others, her shoulder length brown hair is too short for her liking and so is her fringe that is cut into a micro-bang style a hair style only to make sure nothing goes in her face while playing, after assessing her face she decides it's too manly and probably the reason she's never had a boyfriend, not that she minds too much, boyfriends don't provide anything to her.
She then looks down at her body currently covered by the blue and yellow colour soccer uniform, and decides that while her face is too manly her body is too womanly, her body developed too much while having a lot in the truck on her chest, the lower part of her body was just put muscle from the years of playing soccer.
She stares at her body deciding her chest is what was the cause of those years of torment from bobby and she can't stand to look at herslef anymore when that thought flashes through.
Stepping back from the mirror she grabs her straightened hair and puts it in two low buns.
Finally out of her own head she hears van scoff "you're done" she says to Allie, the younger girl nodding and practically skipping off while van still stands there in shock about something. Before Gabriella gets to ask what she missed Lottie scoffs and comes to stand next to van, "Jesus Christ" van and lottie laugh "does someone wanna tell Kelly Kapowski to maybe worry less about prom and worry more about not fucking up nationals" Lottie finishes while fixing her hair, van making faces in the mirror and taissa now joking the four of them in the bathroom also looking in the mirror.
"Oh come on." Van says.
"If she plays like she did at states-" Lottie starts until taissa looks up with a knowing smile "don't worry, that's not going to happen" she says crossing her arms still smiling, she then walks off.
Gabriella is left standing there feeling like she might've missed some big context, but doesn't bother asking cause honestly she couldn't care.
Disposable.
-
"Now our next act needs no introduction, so let's all just make some noise for your New Jersey girls state soccer champions" Gabriella hears the Principal yell out marking the girls cue to run out.
The train of Yellowjackets leads with jackie the girls all running out to the beach boys good vibrations playing loudly over the auditorium speakers, as they run the girls crack smiles all feeling like a prize in auction on show while the school students and staff all cheer and holler for them.
The girls run into a line standing next to each other, Gabriella stands somewhat in the middle of line next to Natalie, she looks into the crowd of people cheering for her basking in the delusion that her dad is there cheering on for just her, but she knows the reality of it. While standing there, she feels soemthing brush against her hand, not thinking much of it she continues pretending her dad is there watching only her, when she feels it again, she looks down and see Natalie trying to press her pointer finger tip to hers, she glared at Natalie and as subtly as she can moves away from the touch not caring to even look at the other girls reaction.
Disposable.
-
Walking out of the school building next to shauna , Gabriella sees three of her other teammates in a semi circle talking, Gabriella guesses soemthing serious is getting spoken about because she can feel the tension from here, and from that alone she is ready to walk away and have no part in it, until she over hears taissa.
"This is what we worked for all season you really wanna take that chance?"
Upon hearing this both shauna and Gabriella make their way joining the circle, "yeah cause I'm not a fucking asshole" Nat retaliates back.
"What are you guys talking about?" Shauna questions, Gabriella not bothering to speak but curious.
Lottie looking a little bit stressed is the first to give any idea to the conversation at hand "Allie."
Before Lottie can say anything else, "what about her?" Shauna questions again.
"Did you black out at states," taissa questions looking at the Shauna and Gabriella "she totally choked-"
"She's a freshman tai" Natalie cuts in. "She's a liability" taissa finishes.
"So what do you want to do about it?" Shauna questions again, Gabriella staring straight at taissa wanting to hear what she's got planned, as much as Gabriella thinks getting to know her teammates is pointless from what she knows of taissa she trusts her judgment when it comes to winning, taissa is headstrong and taissa is selfish like Gabriella she fights for that spotlight as well and will do what it takes to win no matter the cost, something Gabriel can admire in a person.
"She can't screw up if she doesn't get the ball." Taissa says as a matter of fact.
"You want to freeze her out?" Shauna says finally understanding what's going on.
Gabriel looks around trying to have the other girls opinions, none of them are readable except taissa who has clearly given this some thought and Natalie who looks so offended by the sheer idea of the context of the conversation.
"Atleast we'd know what we're working with-" taissa says arms crossed looking around to see if any one agrees with her, "she does have a point." Gabriella says dryly, the other looks at her in shock that she's stated an opinion and actually spoken to them, all of them except Natalie though who is now glaring daggers at not just taissa but also gabriella.
"She does kinda suck," Lottie also adds, "but I don't know"
"That's because it's bullshit." Nat says still looking at gabriella with a look that can only be described as betrayal, Gabriella doesn't humour her with a expression back choosing to remain unfazed but she doesn't understand nats looks at her, she doesn't owe her anything.
"Oh yeah what's your plan then?" Taissa says with a hint of venom in her tone dropping her hands.
"I don't know, play like a fucking team and win," Natalie says returning the tone, looking taissa up and down "it's worked so far"
"Everything works until it doesn't, and for the record you smell like a wino, get your shit together" taissa says back to her.
Natalie looks around at everyone seeing if they are going to say something, she stops when her eyes land on Gabriella, Gabriella raises a eyebrow to her and Natalie's eyes turn back into a glare.
"You know what," she looks down a smile now on her face "fuck this" she says, giving one last harsh look to Gabriella and storms off away from the girls.
"Wow." Taissa says, turning to the group.
"Doesn't feel right." Lottie says leaving in the same direction Natalie did.
Gabriella decides to leave at the same time as Lottie, not bothering to state an opinion anymore , once Taissa has her mind up on something there's no changing it anyways, not that she wants to change this one.
-
"Alright everyone bring it in, take a knee ladies," coach Ben says, blowing his whistle to get the team who is currently doing drills attention.
"What's up state champs!," the girls are now on their knees on the ground in front of him, his words causing them to cheer at the mention of their recent win. "Okay so, jv is gonna help us out with a little scrimmage today, coach Martinez had to take care of a family thing," his words bring confusing to Gabriella, family thing? There's no family thing? He never misses a practice, clearly some of the other team members have the same train of thought as her cause when she looks up again there's heads turned looking at her, "so jv you're gonna grab a penny from misty and get started" coach finishes the curious girls not interested in what's going on with coach anymore.
"Coach Scott shouldn't we say a prayer first?" One of the girls says, Laura Lee a tall blonde girl with a heart of gold and a love for religion, if there's anyone on this team you can't hate it's her.
"Ah it's just a scrimmage Laura Lee" coach says a little uncomfortable. Laura Lee in her politest way possible is not taking that for an answer and shoots coach ben an awkward half smile, "but, uh sure yeah knock yourself out" he finally relents.
"Heavenly father let our efforts remain fruitful," Laura Lee begins the prayer, some girls put their head down prayer some others just stay silent in respect. Gabriella has never been the religious type remembering how awful it felt getting dragged to church as a kid, but she also isn't the non religious type, it's kind of another thing that feels disposable to her, serves her no need or goal.
"Amen" she hears some girls shout bring her out of her short thoughts, the word signifying Laura Lee end of grace, and the start of practice.
At the command of coach Scott the girls all start practicing, Gabriella taking her place at the back as a centre back she watches the game unfold in front of her.
Throughout the game she notices Natalie passing a lot to Allie something that brings an eye roll to Gabriella's face, and as much as it seems Natalie is trying to help Allie out, Allie is still falling at getting the ball.
Being reminded of the conversation from earlier she notices Taissa run up to coach and says something to him, nothing Gabriella can hear from her position. "Alright let's go variety, Taissa wants to see you step it up and quite frankly so do I"
That's when it happens, Gabriella watches the scene happen so fast, disposable, it starts with Taissa taking charge of the ball stealing it from Allie, Allie then trying to take the ball back in retaliation and Taissa reacting to this by pushing Allie away "this is the game step it up" Gabriella hears being said between the two girls.
She watches as shauna goes up to Taissa where they have a small conversation, Gabriella not able to hear this either, but she knows what's about to happen isn't good she feels it, she feels it like she felt it that day.
She runs, she runs fast, runs from her dads words, her teammates screams, she runs, she sees it, a stick, a big stick it's got almost 30 centimetres of height to it and a thick pointy end, she runs to it and without thinking she does it SNAP.
She wishes bones snapping didn't sound so close to a stick snapping, because if it didn't she wouldn't be standing here in the middle of her soccer field trying to calm what feels like might be a panic attack. Taissa had a plan, and Taissas selfish like her.
The scene feels unreal to her, like it's a cruel joke set out to remind her of the wrong she'd done. Taissa had broken allies leg, not just broken her leg she had hit her hard enough the girls bone snapped in half and was currently out on view for all to see the damaged caused by Taissa.
Everyone around her is panicking, allies screaming is all she can seem to focus her mind on, she's trying to understand but everything feels to much, she wants to help she wants to say something, do anything but she can't she is selfish, she doesn't want to speak and feel any burden of guilt of what had to been done to his girl, so she doesn't help she stays quiet, and she stays quiet as she watches misty try to help, she stays quiet as coach Scott and her teammates rush to aide, and she stays quiet as Allie is rushed off to hospital.
-
Ironically enough the locker room is too quiet, everyone's acting busy getting ready to go home so no one has to mention what just happened on the soccer field.
Gabriella sits on the floor back against some random locker, she has her head down focusing on her breathing when Jackie comes in "I know we're all really worried about Allie, but it might not be as bad as it looks." Gabriella looks up at Jackie, staring blankly wondering what her father sees in this girl to make her captain.
Natalie says what everyone's thinking "you could see her fucking bones Jackie, I'm pretty sure it's exactly as bad as it looks." As she finishes she shoots a look at Gabriella.
"I'm going to be sick." Van says nausea radiating off the girl.
"Ok but, I mean, we're still a team and we still have each other." Jackie says crossing her arms over, she looks so desperate to be a leader that Gabriella kind of feels a bit of putty towards the girl.
"And the lord works in mysterious ways" Laura Lee offers up trying to be kind. At her works Natalie stands up and slams her locker shut grabbing her bag storming out, "nice work Taissa" Natalie's words leaving a solemn aura to the room as no one dares to say anymore.
-
"How was school turd?" Gabriella asks as her little brother gets into the passenger seat. The young boy looks up and rolls his eyes at his sisters name calling, "it was fine, how was your prep rally and practice?"
Gabriella sighs and gives a dead look back, jacks understands what she means by that and turns the radio up, setting the two Martinez children into a comfortable silence.
You'd think Gabriella would be over silences, with how silent her day to day life is but the truth is there's nothing she loves more, silent means no socialising, silence means not saying the wrong thing, silence leaves no room for mistakes and that comforts Gabriella.
The rest of ride home is silent only ever sometimes filled with the noise of javi sketching something. Gabriella drives but she can't stop thinking about Natalie's look, it was so distraught, so betrayed? Gabriella wonders what she has done to the girl, they hardly knew each other, the lingering thought of you know why keeps voicing itself in the back of her mind, but before she can even touch on it the siblings are pulling into the family's drive way.
Upon walking into the house Gabriella can sense the tension, today their house inst a place of home but instead a warzone. proving Gabriella's suspicions right when she turns the corner into the dining room her mother and father sit clearly ready to have a family talk.
Javi and Gabriella share a look between themselves, "mi hijo sit please," their mother says quietly ushering them to sit down.
Once the two teens are seated their father clears his throat, "me and your mother are taking a little break," he starts, Gabriella feels her fingers start ripping at the skin around her fingernail, "I've done something to upset your moth-"
"cerdo you slept with a another woman!" Gabriella's mother shrieks cutting her father off, "me and your father are getting a divorce" she states plainly staring at her once was husband with disgust.
Javi goes to say something but Gabriella stands up loudly, "no," she says about to walk off.
"What do you mean no?" Her father says growing angry at the situation and his daughters growing attitude.
Gabriella stands tall for once not feeling afraid of her father, he doesn't have perfect anymore "I said no, you both don't get to do this to me, I leave for nationals tomorrow, you didn't even show up to practice today dad. You held getting to nationals over my head for Months you don't to get just push this onto me as well, sort it out after nationals." She says leaving her parents a little stunned, she doesn't get to take much of it in though cause as quickly as she spoke she was out of the dinning room ignoring her fathers booming voice to come right back and heading upstairs instead.
Gabriella enters her room, its a medium sized room decked out like a image of what a teenage girls room should be, all white furniture with big white fuzzy blankets and a small bear plushie in the middle of her pillows, the room screams femininity all furniture bought by her dad and not allowed to be changed, the only thing that shows Gabriella actually lives in this room is the wall of soccer trophies from over the years and a framed photo of her and javi on her nightstand, other then that you'd think this was a show room and sometimes she has a hard time remembering it's not.
Gabriella for the past four years hasn't socialised with anyone, her limited socialisation comes from her teammates and javi, she's been too a couple of highschool parties never really enjoying them, but she's never been to one for the Yellowjackets something about it seems commit full like if she goes she's pushing an image she doesn't know if she likes, which is why she's confused staring at her freshly make up caked face and an outfit consisting of a black sweater and small black skirt.
She looks at her hair deciding to just leave it down and heads out her house before she can have any second thoughts about going to this party.
-
The whole way to the party Gabriella tries to not think think about what happened at the last party she attended, she makes a point to note the same won't happen again tonight.
Upon arriving she notices shauna and Jackie drinking together with a bunch of other people she doesn't know too well around a bunch of cars, she also takes notice that Natalie is here, choosing not to notice the clammy feeling her hands have suddenly gotten, and decides if she's gonna make it through this party she needs a drink.
Grabbing a drink off van who seems to be guarding the keg Stand she walks off to sip at her drink leaning against a tree regretting even coming.
In true Yellowjackets fashion she gets reminded why she doesn't come to these events when shauna walks over to Taissa.
"I admire your resilience knowing you fucking crippled someone today" Shauna says to Taissa, clearly drunk, Lottie and van standing next to the girls but not getting in the conversation yet.
"Ok good talk" Taissa says defeated and goes to walk off until Shauna speaks up clearly not wanting this argument to end, "just admit you did it on purpose"
Taissa turns around slowly and walks back up to Shauna, Gabriella stands heading towards the girls the sinking feeling from practice coming back again. "excuse me?" Taissa says on the defence instead this time.
"You heard me"
"Your wasted" Taissa says trying to diffuse the situation.
"And you're a sociopath." Shauna says back keeping the argument going.
Van seeing where this is heading puts a hand out on Shauna "woah, calm down."
Shauna immediately pushes van off, "no, listen you guys we don't have to worry about the Allie problem anymore, because Taissa fixed it for us." Shaunas getting louder and louder by the second, causing more attention to be drawn to the group of girls, Laura Lee and Natalie now also joining the girls.
"What's she talking about?" Gabriella hears Laura Lee ask Natalie. "She's talking about Taissa little plan."
Taissa turns to them both "oh please, since when did you give a shit anyway, don't you have a bong to hit or a dick to suck?"
Gabriella goes to defend Natalie but Shauna beats her to the chase "don't talk to her like that" she semi slurs at Taissa.
"Oh fuck off shauna, I don't need you to defend me," Natalie says sounding more pissed off "last time I checked you were fine with the whole freeze her out strategy."
"Okay seriously what are we talking about?" Laura Lee finally exclaims louder.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP LAURA LEE!" The group yells in unison except Gabriella.
"Okay can we all just chill the fuck out no need to yell." Gabriella says moving to stand close to Laura Lee, she pretends not to notice Natalie's odd stare at her movement.
Some of the girls like van and Lottie start talking over the test agreeing that they need to stop until Taissa decides to start it back up again, "somebody needs to take her wasted ass home"
Shauna gets closer to Taissa "say that again bitch" at this the two girls start arguing and trying to fight each other.
Van and Lottie trying to push them apart and diffuse the situation, Gabriella just standing there noticing Natalie's stare.
The argument starts actually getting physical with Gabriella now also trying to get the girls to back off from each other, but it doesn't matter cause all the yelling has drawn them an audience and some boy yells "cat fight!" The girls still not stopping only getting worse also gets Jackie's attention who now stomps over to the group.
"ENOUGH!" She yells at them causing them all to go quiet, she looks around seeming a little shocked her yell worked and honestly Gabriella is too cause even she's tuned into what Jackie's got to say.
After a moment Jackie says loudly "Yellowjackets with me NOW!" And storms off further into the tree filled area, all the girls following suit, even Gabriella to her own surprise, maybe her dad was right. Disposable
"I don't know what the fuck that was, but I do know that it's over," Jackie starts talking to the group of girls, "we're about to go to nationals and based on what I'm looking at right now, we may as well not even bother getting on that plane." She pauses looking at her team, seeming like she's thinking up something.
"Alright," she pauses "everybody line up" she stops for a second and when nobody moves she continues "no I'm fucking serious line up come on!" She orders clapping her hands together.
The girls start forming a line Gabriella placed between lotting and Shauna and she thinks again about her dads choice of Jackie being their leader and kind of understands his decision.
"Here's what we're gonna do," Jackie starts once the girls are in a proper line "I want each of you to go down this line and say one nice true thing about every other girl on this team."
"What is this fucking Girl Scout camp." Taissa says softly to van causing van to snort.
"Who wants to go first?" Jack asks. "I'll go Jackie" Laura Lee says enthusiastically stepping up to do this activity causing Jackie to break out in a smile and let Laura start.
Laura Lee makes her way in front of Taissa first "Taissa, you are beautiful in the eyes of our lord" Gabriella can already tell how this gonna go based if this first interaction but doesn't say anything.
After Taissa let's out a mumble of acknowledgment laura Lee then moves down to van.
"Van you are beaut-" "oh my god" Lottie exclaims with annoyance causing some of the other girls to giggle.
"Ok laura Lee fall back," Jackie says seeming a little stressed "okay, I'll go first"
Jackie makes her way in front of Taissa, "Taissa turner, you have more fight in you then anyone I've ever know, I'm inspired by your determination." Jackie says to the girl leaving her seeming at a loss for words.
When Taissa doesn't reply Jackie moves down to van, "Vanessa Palmer," van does a little head nod at this, "your smile makes me feel happy everytime I see it" Jackie giggles out, van blushes and nods her head in what seems like gratitude.
"Laura Lee, I truly admire your faith" Laura Lee smiles and nods happily.
"Nat I love that you don't care what anybody thinks," Natalie looks a little uncomfortable hearing the compliment but Jackie continues "your so completely yourself-"
"She's also deadly at beer pong" van announces causing laughter erupt within the group, "so go on tell her," Jackie says urging the girls to partake.
Gabriella gets paired up with Taissa first, "taissa I admire how loyal you are to the sport, how you'll do what you can to make sure we'll succeed" Gabriella thinks up on the spot, she doesn't know these people she cant really participate in this activity but she tried and Taissa seems to understand that and gives her a polite smile and nod.
"Flex, I think you're very strong and like how you never back down on your opinions" Taissa says making it Gabriella's turn to smile and nod.
Somehow after tassia Gabriella lands face to face with Natalie, who's staring down at her with big eyes, her pupils dilated by ten fold. The two girls just stare at each other for a second not knowing what to say or who to start when Natalie breaks the stare off by giggly softly.
"I think you're prettyyy," Natalie giggles playing with Gabriella's hair "and I think about that night a lottt" Natalie adds on still playing with the other girls hair, her words slurring a little bit clearly on something judging from the state she's in, knowing that Natalie is saying this while under the influence leaves a small pang in Gabriella's chest, but it goes ignored.
Gabriella freezes at that last sentence her mouth going dry, disposable, your sick, get away from your sick, starts screaming in her head, she feels it again, she felt it when she carved that stick into her back, she felt it when bobby farleigh made up the rumour of her being a dyke, she felt it when her and Nat kissed at that party, and she felt it when she saw allies bone. She needs to leave she needs to get out she can't be sick.
Gabriella pushes Natalie's hand off her and speed walks away, ignoring the confused where are you going and come backs of the others and especially ignoring the look on Natalie's face, she needs to get home, she can't be here anymore.
On her way home she tries to force her brain to think about nationals, nationals is all that matters, not Jackie's stupid line up, not Natalie's constant reminder of that party, not her parents marriage, just nations the rest of it all was just disposable.
Notes:
Word count (5844) hey guys so this is the first chapter!! I don't have a set in plan for the story yet but it is going to follow the episodes quite closely but also with some cannon divergence cause yeah Travis inst there but instead my girl Gabriella. Also non of the things in this story said about lgbt+ is meant to harm or reflection of my feelings, it is just Gabriella is a closeted lesbian in the 90s she's gonna have some internalised homophobia so sorry about the words used. But anyways I hope this whole chapter made sense and you guys enjoyed it, idk when chapter two will be out cause this took me awhile to write but hopefully sometime soon :))) byeee.
summary: six years is supposed to be enough time to move on. but when you run into jackie at a grocery store during the holidays, her hand on her pregnant belly and that same careful smile on her face, you realize some things never really fade. one innocent dinner can't hurt, right?
warnings: pregnancy, unresolved feelings, emotional avoidance, and past infidelity mention.
note(s): and with this, we wrap up 2025. i hope everyone's having a safe new year's.
day 31/31 of angstember. | previous part.
The cereal aisle is the last place you expect your past to catch up with you.
You're debating between two brands of granola—the organic one your mom keeps insisting is better for you versus the cheaper one that actually tastes good—when you hear it. That laugh. The one that used to make your stomach flip, that you've spent five years trying to forget.
You look up, and there she is.
Jackie Taylor. Except not Taylor anymore—Sadecki now, probably, though you've actively avoided finding out. She's standing by the oatmeal, one hand on her shopping cart, the other resting on the swell of her stomach. She's pregnant. Very pregnant, maybe six or seven months, wearing a cream-colored sweater that somehow makes her look like she stepped out of a catalog for expectant mothers.
She hasn't seen you yet. You could slip away, take the next aisle, avoid this entire situation. Your hand tightens on the granola box.
Then she turns, and her eyes meet yours.
For a moment, neither of you moves. The fluorescent lights buzz overhead. A tinny version of "Last Christmas" plays through the store speakers. Someone's cart squeaks past on the next aisle over.
"Oh," Jackie says. Just that. Oh.
"Hey." Your voice comes out steadier than you feel. "Hi."
"Hi." She blinks, and you watch her cycle through several expressions—surprise, something that might be panic, then a careful neutrality that you remember too well. "Wow. I didn't know you were in town."
"Just visiting. For the holidays." You gesture vaguely with the granola box, like that explains anything. "My parents, you know."
"Right. Of course." Her hand moves unconsciously to her stomach, a protective gesture. "How long are you here for?"
"Through New Year's."
"That's nice."
The conversation is excruciating. You're talking like strangers, like you didn't once know every inch of each other. Like her name isn't still the one you think of in quiet moments when your guard is down.
"So," you say, because someone has to. "Congratulations. On the—" You nod toward her stomach.
She glances down, and something softens in her face. "Thanks. It's a girl. Due in February."
"That's great, Jackie. Really."
There's a pause where neither of you seems to know what to say next. An older woman squeezes past, muttering about people blocking the aisle. Jackie automatically moves her cart closer, and the movement brings her nearer to you.
"You look good," she says quietly. "Different, but good."
"So do you." It's not a lie. She does look good, if you ignore the way your chest aches looking at her. Pregnancy suits her—she's glowing, like everyone always says pregnant women do, though you'd never really believed it until now.
"I'm huge." She laughs, self-deprecating, and there's the Jackie you remember. The one who hid insecurities behind humor.
"You're pregnant. There's a difference."
Her smile turns genuine, just for a second. Then it falters, and you can see her remembering. Everything. The same way you're remembering.
"Listen," she starts, then stops. Shifts her weight. You notice she's wearing sneakers instead of the heels she used to favor. "This is weird, right? Running into each other like this?"
"Extremely weird."
"Would it be weirder if I asked—" She pauses, catches her bottom lip between her teeth. It's a nervous tell you recognize. "Do you want to get coffee? Or dinner? Catch up?"
Every instinct screams at you to say no. To make an excuse, grab your cereal, and get out. But there's something in her eyes—vulnerability, maybe, or hope—that makes you hesitate.
"I don't know if that's a good idea."
"Probably not," she agrees. But she doesn't take it back.
You should say no. You know you should say no.
"There's a diner," you hear yourself say. "The one on Maple Street. Is it still open?"
"Yeah." She says it fast, like she's afraid you'll change your mind. "Yeah, it's still there. Tomorrow night?"
"Sure." You're already regretting this. "Seven?"
"Seven's perfect."
You grab your granola—the organic one, because apparently you're making all kinds of questionable decisions today—and start to move past her. Her hand catches your sleeve, just for a second.
"It's really good to see you," she says, and she sounds like she means it.
"You too, Jackie."
It's only half a lie.
------
You call Shauna as soon as you get to your car.
"I ran into Jackie at the grocery store."
There's a pause. Then: "Oh boy."
"We're having dinner tomorrow."
"Oh boy."
"It's not—it's just dinner. Innocent. Catching up." You're trying to convince yourself as much as her.
"Uh-huh." Shauna's tone is carefully neutral. "And how are you feeling about that?"
"I don't know. Weird? She's pregnant, Shauna."
"I know. She's been posting bump photos on Facebook."
You haven't looked at Jackie's Facebook since you crossed paths with it. Blocked her after a moment of self-preservation. "How is she?"
"You'll have to ask her yourself." There's something in Shauna's voice—something she's not saying. "Just... be careful, okay? Both of you."
"It's just dinner."
"It's never just dinner with you two."
------
You arrive at the diner ten minutes early and immediately regret it. The place hasn't changed since high school—same red vinyl booths, same laminated menus, same faint smell of coffee and fryer grease. You and Jackie used to come here after games sometimes, back when you were still friends. Before everything got complicated.
You slide into a booth facing the door and order coffee you don't want just to have something to do with your hands.
Jackie arrives at 7:03, bundled in a winter coat that doesn't quite close over her belly. Her cheeks are pink from the cold, and she's wearing a knit hat that makes her look younger somehow. More like the girl you used to know.
"Sorry I'm late," she says, unwinding her scarf. "I've completely lost track of what it takes to get out the door these days. Everything's more complicated when you're shaped like a basketball."
"You're three minutes late. I think you're fine."
She smiles as she settles into the booth across from you, arranging her coat on the seat beside her. "I forgot how punctual you are. Jeff's on 'time is a suggestion' protocol."
The mention of her husband sits heavy between you. You take a sip of coffee.
"How is Jeff?" You ask because you should, because that's what people do.
"Good. Great, actually. He's taken over his dad's store." There's pride in her voice, but it sounds rehearsed. Like she's said it at a hundred holiday parties. "He's been working crazy hours, but once the baby comes he's planning to cut back."
"That's good."
"Yeah." She fidgets with the menu even though you both probably know it by heart. "What about you? Shauna mentioned you're in grad school?"
"Just finished, actually. Master's in social work."
"That's perfect for you." She says it like she still knows you. "You always wanted to help people."
The waitress appears, saving you from having to respond. Jackie orders decaf coffee and a grilled cheese—"I'm having the weirdest cravings," she explains with a self-conscious laugh. You order a burger you're not sure you'll be able to eat.
Once the waitress leaves, silence settles over the table. Not comfortable, not quite uncomfortable. Somewhere in between.
"This is strange," Jackie says finally.
"Yeah."
"Not bad strange. Just... strange." She wraps her hands around her water glass. "Six years."
"Six years," you echo.
"Shauna said you're living in Boston now?"
"Cambridge, technically. Got a job at a youth center there."
"That sounds amazing." She means it—you can tell. "Are you happy?"
The question catches you off guard. "I... yeah. I think so. Most days."
"Good." She nods, and something in her expression shifts. "I'm glad you're happy."
You want to ask if she is. Want to know if the life she chose was worth it. But you don't.
The food arrives, and you both focus on eating for a while. It's easier than talking. But eventually, Jackie sets down her sandwich and looks at you with an intensity that makes your stomach flip.
"I need to apologize," she says.
"Jackie—"
"No, please. Let me say this." She takes a breath. "What happened at my bachelorette party. The way I treated you, the things I said. Or didn't say. All of it. I'm sorry. I've wanted to tell you that for six years."
You set down your burger carefully. "Okay."
"That's it? Okay?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know. Something?" Her voice cracks slightly. "You can be angry. You can tell me I'm awful. You can—"
"I'm not angry, Jackie. Not anymore." It's mostly true. The sharp edges of that hurt have dulled over time. "We were both... we were both dealing with stuff. We both made choices."
"I made the wrong ones." She says it quietly, looking down at her plate.
"You made the ones you could live with. That's different."
Her eyes snap up to meet yours. "Is it?"
The question hangs there, weighted with everything you're both not saying. About her marriage. About what you had. About whether any of it could have been different.
"You're having a baby," you say instead of answering. "You're building a life. That's not nothing."
"No." She touches her stomach again. "It's not nothing."
But there's something hollow in the way she says it.
The conversation shifts to safer topics—your work, her pregnancy symptoms, mutual friends you've both lost touch with. She tells you about her nursery plans, and you tell her about your tiny apartment in Cambridge. You're both performing normalcy, pretending this is just two old friends catching up.
But underneath it all, there's a current. The same pull that's always been there, the thing that made you unable to stay away from each other even when you should have.
You notice the way her eyes linger on your face. The way she laughs a little too hard at your jokes. The way she finds excuses to reach across the table—passing the ketchup, brushing crumbs away—so her hand briefly touches yours.
And you notice the way you're leaning forward, drawn in despite yourself. The way you've memorized the new details about her—the tiny silver necklace with a "J" pendant (for Jeff or Jackie?), the way her wedding ring looks slightly tight on her swollen finger, the faint circles under her eyes that makeup doesn't quite hide.
"I've missed this," Jackie says softly, when the waitress clears your plates. "Just talking. Being around you."
"Jackie." It comes out as a warning.
"I know. I know I don't get to say that." She looks down at her hands. "But it's true."
"We can't—"
"I'm not asking for anything." She cuts you off gently. "I just wanted you to know."
The thing is, you've missed her too. Missed her in a way that's never quite gone away, like a phantom limb. But missing someone doesn't mean you should be around them.
"How's therapy going?" Shauna's voice echoes in your head from a conversation months ago. You need to stop carrying Jackie Taylor around like a wound.
"I should go," you say abruptly, reaching for your wallet.
"Wait." Jackie's hand shoots across the table, covering yours. "Please. Just a few more minutes."
You should pull away. You should leave. But her hand is warm, and it's been six years since anyone touched you like they didn't want to let go.
"Five more minutes," you agree.
She doesn't remove her hand, and you don't make her.
"Can I ask you something?" Jackie's voice is careful. "Are you seeing anyone?"
"No." You don't ask her the same question. You know the answer.
"Why not?"
"Haven't found the right person, I guess." Haven't found anyone who's you, you don't say.
She nods slowly, her thumb tracing an absent pattern on your knuckles. "Do you ever think about—" She stops. "Never mind."
"About what?"
"About how different things might have been. If I'd been..." She searches for the word. "Braver."
"Sometimes." There's no point in lying. "But you can't build a life on 'what ifs,' Jackie."
"No." She pulls her hand back, and you feel the loss immediately. "You can't."
The moment breaks. Jackie reaches for her purse, and you both go through the motions of paying, bundling back into winter coats, preparing to step back out into the cold and your separate lives.
Outside, snow has started to fall. Light, lazy flakes that catch in Jackie's hair as she turns to face you.
"Thank you," she says. "For this. For giving me a chance to apologize."
"Yeah. Of course."
"Maybe..." She hesitates. "Maybe we could do this again? Before you leave?"
You should say no. Every piece of hard-won wisdom tells you to cut this off now, before it becomes something.
"Maybe," you say instead.
Her smile is sad and grateful in equal measure. "I'll text you. If that's okay?"
"Sure."
She hugs you goodbye—awkward around her belly, brief but tight. You smell that same perfume, underneath it something else now. Something maternal and domestic.
"Take care of yourself," she whispers.
"You too."
You watch her walk to her car—a sensible SUV, because of course it is. She waves before getting in, and you wave back.
On the drive to your parents' house, you cry. Not hard, not dramatically. Just quiet tears that slide down your cheeks while the radio plays Christmas songs and the snow continues to fall.
You text Shauna: Dinner happened. I'm fine.
She responds immediately: Are you actually fine or 'fine'?
The second one.
Come over tomorrow. I'll make coffee and you can tell me everything.
------
Jackie texts three days later.
Coffee before you leave? Just as friends.
You stare at the message for ten minutes. Then you type: Can't, sorry. Family stuff. But it was good seeing you.
It takes her an hour to respond: You too. Take care.
You don't text back.
On New Year's Eve, you're at a party at your cousin's house when your phone buzzes. Unknown number.
I kept your letters. All of them. The ones I wrote but never sent. They're in a box in my closet. Jeff doesn't know about them. Sometimes I take them out and read them and remember what it felt like to be honest about something. I shouldn't tell you this. I'm probably going to regret it in the morning. But I wanted you to know that what we had was real. It mattered. You mattered. Happy New Year.
Your hands shake as you read it twice, three times. You start to type a response—delete it—start again.
Finally: Happy New Year, Jackie. I hope you find whatever you're looking for.
You delete the message thread and block the number.
At midnight, everyone around you is kissing and cheering and making promises about new beginnings. You slip outside to the back porch, breath clouding in the winter air.
Your phone stays silent.
Six years wasn't enough time to get over Jackie Taylor. Ten years probably won't be either. But you're learning to live with it—this ache that's become part of you, this love that has nowhere to go.
Inside, someone calls your name. The party continues. Life continues.
You take a deep breath of cold air, wipe your eyes, and go back inside.
-----
February 2006
The birth announcement comes through Shauna—a photo of Jackie looking exhausted and radiant, holding a tiny pink bundle. Lily Elizabeth Sadecki, born February 14th. 7 lbs 3 oz.
You send flowers to the hospital through an anonymous service. White roses, because Jackie always loved white roses.
You don't include a card.
Three weeks later, Shauna mentions casually that Jackie asked if you'd sent them.
"What did you tell her?"
"That I didn't know."
"Thanks."
"She's struggling," Shauna says quietly. "Postpartum is hitting her hard. She keeps asking about you."
"Shauna—"
"I know. I'm not trying to push anything. I just thought you should know."
You don't respond. There's nothing to say.
That night, you dream about white roses and a baby you'll never meet. You wake up with Jackie's name on your lips and tears on your pillow.
Some stories don't have endings, just ellipses. Just the slow fade of what could have been into what is.
You carry Jackie Taylor with you still—not as a wound anymore, but as a scar. Proof that you survived something. Proof that you loved and were loved, even if it was never in the way you needed.
