Jun 19, 2025
Every time I see blurry screengrabs from the pilot I become extremely ill
seen from Russia
seen from United States
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from China
seen from Ireland
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from China
seen from Ireland
seen from China
seen from China
seen from China
seen from Russia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Ireland
seen from United Kingdom
Every time I see blurry screengrabs from the pilot I become extremely ill
"how can you look at me and pretend I'm someone you've never met"
tai doing akilah’s hair….them both knowing how significant hair is in black culture, how braids often take an incredibly long time to do, both akilah and taissa shortening their hair length to adapt protective styles in the wilderness, covering their hair, having each other help as a bonding experience
i go insane everytime i think about them
bugs when you lift up a rock
Sweetest Goal
Summary: Lottie Matthews and you are soccer opponents. Your coach warns you not to get distracted by anything. The rivalry between the two schools is big, causing fights to break out. Is it okay that your supposed enemy is saving you?
Fluff <3
Warning(s): Bullying, cussing, typical school fist fights, Fem!reader
Word Count: 5.3k
a/n: This is a remaster of my old (2023) fanfic I made. The old one was... interesting (bad), so I had to make it better. Hope you guys enjoy this cute fanfic!
-
Your lungs burn with each step. You ran with all your might, your eyes focused on two things.
The soccer ball and the opponent.
She comes closer to the left of your peripheral vision. You breathe heavily as you thrust yourself forward. Sliding your knee against the turf with your right leg sticking out to kick the soccer ball. The ball misses the girl's feet by three inches and it goes rolling over to your teammate, Taissa Turner.
While on the ground, you are able to catch your breath. You hear the crowd cheering as you watch your teammate kick the ball closer to the goal. She successfully dodges two opponents with her quick turns.
You push yourself up from the ground and start picking up speed again, just in case Taissa needs backup. But you were not required because she sent the ball flying into the goal.
The crowd lets out a roar. Taissa spreads her arms out and comes running back to you. She engulfs you in a hug that nearly knocks the air out of you. Seconds later, you feel your other teammates crashing into the hug. They start to cheer and chant. You glance at the score. 3-2. Closing your eyes, you continue enjoying the cheerful spirit of your teammates.
-
“Great job out there girls!” The coach beams in the locker room. The girls sit on the benches, patting their sweat with towels. Some were taking swings from their water bottles. You stand near the coach with your arms crossed. The coach tilts his head at you before giving you a proud slap on the shoulder. The action causes you to jerk forward. You bite back a smile.
“That was a nice pass you did out there,” He compliments. The girls cheer and bang their fists against the lockers in applause. It sounds like thunder.
“What you guys did out there is what a team is like. I am so proud of each and every one of you. Our next game is in a couple of days. I expect you to keep up the good work. I will see you guys at practice tomorrow morning,” He coaches.
“Yes sir!” The girls salute in unison as a joke. Giggles can be heard among them. You feel a gentle hand touch your back. You glance up at your couch with a confused expression.
“May I have a word with you?” The coach asks. You agree and he walks out of the locker room. You give Taissa a “what the?” look and she returns with an “I don’t know, good luck” look. You inhale a deep breath to calm your nerves. You follow behind until he stops near the bleachers. You brace yourself. He turns around and itches his forehead.
“I want you to be more stern with yourself for the girls,” He begins. You drop your gaze to the cement floor and your shoulders drop.
This again.
When this year’s soccer season started, he picked you to be the leader of the team. You declined at first because you felt there was too much responsibility and expectations. You were afraid you would fail everyone. You didn’t see in yourself that you could be a leader, but apparently, the coach and your teammates see it.
“… I am trying my best,” You quietly reply. He chuckles softly and pats your shoulder, causing you to look back up to him again.
“I know you are, and I appreciate that a lot. These girls respect you whether or not you see that. I know it creates a lot of pressure for you, but that is the role of a leader. The season so far has been going extremely well. I expect you to keep this devotion. Don’t let anything distract you from the team's goal of going to the nationals,” He reminds you. His look is soft and encouraging. You nod your head slowly. His words sink in and suddenly you feel the urge to be better. To be a role model for your team. You love your teammates more than anything else. He sees it in your eyes and relaxes his shoulders.
“See you tomorrow,” He waves. You watch him walk away for a few seconds before turning around. You walk into the locker rooms and a few teammates are already done packing up. They sit around chatting with each other. You zipline to Taissa, who has a locker next to yours. Giving her a tight smile before opening your locker. She watches as you shove clothes into your bag.
Taissa is wearing the school’s bomber jacket. The sleeves are orange and the middle is black with orange detailing. The school's fox mascot logo is on the left side chest.
Your school is called Urocyon High School. Based on the gray fox (scientific name: Urocyon cinereoargenteus) commonly found in the state of New Jersey. Foxes are known for their speed, cunningness, and smarts, which you believe represent your soccer team perfectly.
“What did you guys talk about?” She asks curiously, taking a seat on the bench. Her hands are tucked in the pockets of the bomber jacket. You shrug your shoulders as you continue packing up. You try to sound nonchalant.
“Oh, you know… The usual leader coaching,” You sigh. She chuckles and tilts her head up against the lockers. She looks at the ceiling with a warm smile.
“You’re a good leader,” She reminds you.
You’ve expressed your concerns to her a couple of times now. She understands why you feel stressed, but defends you when you say you aren’t fit to be a leader.
You shut your locker a little louder than you expected. You watch her with a stressed expression, eyebrows arching up and lips frowning. She turns her head to look at you with a curious grin. Quietly watching you wrestle with yourself in your head. She is used to this part of you.
“Why didn’t he pick you? You’re so much more charismatic, strong, and brave-"
“Trust me. If I became a leader, I’d push the girls to the point of quitting. They would hate it. You know me! I hate slackers,” She laughs. You pause and press your lips together.
“You have a point,” You blurt. She rolls her eyes while smiling. You put on the school bomber jacket to match her. Lastly, you zip up your backpack and swing it over your shoulders. She gets up from her seat with a huff, patting her hands against her thighs. You could tell she is already starting to get sore. She throws her left arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer.
“Let's go eat! I am starving!” She beams, dragging you along with her to the exit.
-
You and Taissa go to the regular late-night burger spot. It is the spot you two always go to, and it quickly became a tradition. The bell chimes as she pushes the doors open.
Boy, do you love that smell of grease!
You two stand patiently before one of the workers glances over from where he was tasked. Travis, your favorite server. He attends a different high school, but you don’t know exactly which one. There are a couple of schools in this town. His eyes light up and he brushes his hands on the apron before walking over. He leans against the host station.
“The fox girls are back again!” Travis greets happily. Taissa waves her hands gloriously, as if someone placed a red carpet underneath her feet. Except there was no red carpet, but an old welcome rug that had been losing its bright red color. It looks a bit brown now.
“You guys won another match today, didn't you?” He grins. Taissa crosses her arms and leans back til her shoulder touches yours. She has a smug smile. You quickly copy her behavior. You can’t leave your best friend hanging.
“We sure did,” She beams. He happily nods his head. He glances at a certain booth and looks back.
“Luckily for you foxes, your table is free. The usual?” He questions.
“Yes, please,” You answer. He gestures to you two towards the table and leaves for the kitchen. You plop onto the seat that faces the door while Taissa sits opposite. She immediately goes to mess with the condiments. She clicks the salt and pepper bottles together. You stretch your legs out and yawn, which makes your eyes water. The match earlier is starting to take a toll on you. You place your elbow on the table and lean your chin against your palm.
“Are you nervous for the next game?” You break the silence. Taissa stops messing with the salt shaker. She straightens her back and gives you a stern look.
“No,” She states. You sigh and avert your eye to the window. The moon hovers behind the tall trees. Street lights are illuminating the streets. The neon burger sign flickers, indicating how old the place is. You can see a few other cars parked in front.
“I am,” You confess. She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.
“Just because we lost to the Yellowjackets every round last year does not mean we can’t beat them this year,” She points out. The mention of Yellowjackets makes you grimace.
Yellowjackets from Wiskayok High School. The girls' soccer team, as much as you hate to admit it, is good. Your team and the Yellowjackets have been neck to neck for generations. The rivalry naturally became a thing. Wiskayok High School is closer to the South side of town, while Uyrocyon High School (your school) is located closer to the North. Both teams became the main competition in the town.
You know all the members of the other team. You secretly search them up on the athlete's website. You analyze all their names and heights. It’s a little odd, you felt like you could be good friends with them if the situation were different.
Travis comes back out with the dishes, snapping you out of thought. He slides Taissa her dish first, then you.
“Anything else I could get for you guys?” He asks in a worky manner. Taissa shakes her head, and you thank him. He smiles and leaves to attend to other tasks. You two start munching like you’ve never eaten before. As if your stomach were an endless pit. Ketchup starts rolling down Taissa’s lip. You smile and reach over to grab her a napkin.
The bells from the door twinkled again, revealing that someone had opened the door. You glance up and nearly choke on your food.
Yellow and blue colors were the first warning indicators.
Three yellowjacket boys walk in with a smug look. Two of them had their hands in their jean pockets while one leaned on the top of the host table. He uses his free hand to brush along his golden hair. They curiously glance around the place, indicating it’s the first time they’ve been here. As they look around, one of them makes eye contact with you. You quickly jerk your attention back to your meal and silently pray they didn’t recognize you. Your heart starts hammering against your chest.
From the corner of your eye, you can see pairs of shoes gathering next to your booth. You let out a shaky breath.
“Well, well, well, look who we have here. Isn’t this the foxie girls?” The blonde boy snickers.
Foxie: Slang for sexually appealing; attractive.
You lower your head and clench your jaw. You loathe that nickname.
Though it can be empowering for some, it was meant to degrade the Urocyon girls' soccer team. Claiming that your team focuses on looks and body rather than skill. Which could not be more wrong. You’ve seen how much time and dedication your team has put in. On the other hand, you’ve seen the poor record score of the Yellowjackets' men's sports. An ongoing record of only winning two games a season. You wanted to taunt them, but then remembered you’re the team leader. You didn’t want to cause more trouble. You bite your tongue and sink more into your seat.
Taissa had other plans in mind.
“Well, well, well, isn’t this the failure of the school?” She mocks. That triggers the brunette boy next to the blonde. He slams both his hands on the table, rattling the glass water cups. He leans in close to her with a glare.
“You should watch that pretty mouth of yours. Keep talking shit and we’ll leave a sting,” He threatens.
“I’m so scared,” She rolls her eyes. The brunette keeps his stance, not backing down. Nor does Taissa. She glares back with the same amount of hatred. You nervously gulp from feeling the tension increases. You lift your hands to touch hers to remind her to keep her cool.
The third boy with black hair finally pulls the brunette back.
“Hey dude, we should just leave them alone,” He suggests. He playfully wraps his arms around his friend's shoulder, pulling him away from the table.
You let out a sigh, not realizing you’ve been holding your breath. You almost thanked him. Finally, a Yellowjacket that is nice with human decency…
That was true til he had the nerve to utter more words.
“They’re just a bunch of cock suckers winning their way up,” He laughs loudly.
Your blood runs cold. With a quick move, you jerk your foot outwards in front of the foot closest to you. This action trips the brunette forward, pulling his black-haired friend along to the ground. Taissa gasps before laughing loudly. She holds onto her stomach and looks at you with sparkling eyes. She couldn’t believe you just did that. You didn’t either. Your lips curl into a small smile, hidden behind your hair.
The brunette boy grunts and glares up from the ground. His cheeks are bright red from embarrassment. His friends try to calm him down, but he ignores them. He hoists himself up and begins to charge at you. You widen your eyes and brace yourself.
Suddenly, a figure jumps in front. A girl. Long, wavy, and black hair that reaches just below her shoulders.
“You guys are embarrassing me. Please go,” She groans, with a finger rubbing her temple in annoyance. Your eyes lower down to examine her more. Come to find out she’s also wearing a yellow and blue bomber jacket.
She’s a Yellowjacket.
“That girl tripped me!” The brunette boy whines. You feel the hairs on your arm raise from how cringeworthy he sounds. Taissa’s face scrunches in disgust. The yellowjacket girl crosses her arms and jerks her chin towards the door.
“Leave or I’ll tell your coach you’ve been smoking weed before games,” She threatens. That threat seems to do the job because the three boys halt their movement. They quickly glance at each other nervously. The blonde boy clenches his fist and makes the first move to the exit. He tilts his head to the side.
“You’re lucky this time,” He says in a low tone. The three boys glare at you before exiting the restaurant. You watch as the door opens and rings again, then they disappear behind it.
The girl lets out a deep sigh and turns around. She makes eye contact with you. Her face is filled with shame and disappointment. From the angle where you sit, you had to crane your neck to look at her. You immediately recognize her from the athlete research you did on the Yellowjackets women's soccer team.
Lottie (Charlotte) Matthews. The girl who has been praised for her skillful foot techniques.
“Thank you… for helping us,” You test. You are still hesitant about Yellowjackets, but she did save you. The least you can do is show gratitude. Her shoulders relax and before she can talk more, Travis comes up. Basically pushing her to the side.
“You girls okay? I just heard from another coworker. Sorry I didn’t jump in on time, I was busy in the kitchen…” He apologizes, but you stop listening and focus more on Lottie. She gives you a small, shy smile before quietly stepping away to return to her booth. Your cheeks turn pink from realizing how close she was.
Her table was right behind yours. She must have heard everything you and Taissa shared earlier.
-
The crowd is noisy with numerous conversations. You glance nervously at the crowd and notice the seats are more filled than usual. This is understandable since your team is going to go against the Yellowjackets today. Today's match is played on Yellowjacket's home base. You examine the crowd more and see that there is a larger majority of yellow and blue. Makes sense since you’re playing in their territory. You avert your attention back into the field.
The spokesperson introduces the Uyrocyon team first. Your team stands in a straight line. Staring at the crowd with heads lifted high to express confidence. Underneath your facade, your heart is racing. You cautiously brush your white and orange jersey. The crowd cheers respectfully. Except for the boy's sports team who boos, but thankfully they are overpowered by the Uryrocyon classmates who came to watch. The spokesperson continues and the crowd anticipates the home team players.
“Everyone give it up to the Yellowjackets!”
The crowd roars and thunders. You gulp nervously before peeking to the side. You watch as each yellowjacket runs out, waving their hands at the crowd. Your eyes naturally focus on Lottie. She is smiling brightly as she runs. Her hair swaying back and forth as she gazes around at the crowd. The long strands of her hair are tucked in a ponytail. After she runs to her position, she peeks at you. Offering a small smile once she finds out you are already eyeing her. You clench your teeth to stop yourself from smiling back. You look away first to keep your mind focused on the game.
“Just a distraction,” You mumble to yourself. You pull your teammates in a circle and stare at their eyes. Giving a stern look, you give a motivational speech in hopes of easing their stress.
“Remember the strategy the coach has given us. Stay focused and cautious. Work together as a team. I trust each one of you. We can do this,” You grunt. Your team places their hands on top of each other and pushes up with a scream.
The chosen starter players run to the field while the rest run to the benches. You rush to the referee with Jackie Taylor, the Yellowjackets team captain. You give her a quick smile in which she returns. The referee tosses the coin and it lands on the side Jackie picked.
Everyone returns to their positions.
It starts a little slow. Everyone is getting used to each other's play moves, but soon it gets heated. The Yellowjackets currently pass the ball around your team's goal. You feel a fear creep up your neck. Yellowjacket kicks a ball upward and Taissa fails to steal the ball. The ball spins to another yellowjacket, who hits her head against it. The ball goes flying into your goal.
1 - 0
The crowd roars in excitement. Yellojackets cheer with each other. You see your goalie holding her head down in disappointment. You quickly run up to your goalie to clench her shoulders.
“We still have time to catch up! Keep your head up!” You remind her. She nods her head and her eyes switch back to confidence.
The whistle blows again, and this time, your team has successfully stolen the soccer ball. Taissa runs full speed to the other side of the field. You push yourself forward on the opposite side of her. She glances and sees your free space. She kicks it hard and the ball flies over to you. You catch the ball with your foot and continue running forward. Then Lottie appears in front of you. You halt to a pause.
She is running to steal the ball.
You quickly turn, but she is quicker and invades your space. Her foot slightly grazes against the ball and your eyes widen.
How?! You quietly panic.
From the corner of your eye, you can see another yellow jacket running up. If you waste more time, you surely will be cornered. Turning again, you see your teammate on the other side. You kick the ball and watch it roll over to your team. You left out a breath of relief. Lottie runs from you, but before she goes away, she turns her head slightly. You can see the corner of her lips smiling. That small move makes you clench your jaw. You will not let her treat you like you’re an easy target.
You run beside her to defend your team from her. She widens her eyes in shock at your sudden tactic, but quickly recovers. She stops her run and angles in the other direction. You quickly stop and turn to catch up to her. Your hand is extended out as she stands behind you.
“Obsessive much?” She whispers, slightly leaning down to your ear.
“You wish,” You groan, staring straight ahead. The teammates are currently passing the ball toward each other. You hear her breathe out a laugh. She licks her lips and slouches further down.
“I kinda do,” She sighs in a joking manner. Your ears turn red, and you spin around to glare at her. From this sudden angle, she is leaning down toward your face. You can see her moles up close. Her plump lips are close to yours. Your eyes widen and stumble backwards. She quickly leans back to straighten her posture, just as shocked as you. A blush forms on her cheeks and to avoid further mistakes, she runs away. You don’t understand why your heart is beating so fast.
“What are you doing? Keep moving!” Taissa shouts at you. Right. You mentally curse Lottie for distracting you. You run forward to find a different Yellowjacket to block. But it was no use because, on the opposite side of the field, the yellowjackets had successfully earned another goal.
2 - 0
You fail to keep a calm composure. You glare at the clock and see there are only eighteen minutes left til the game ends.
Your team loses 1-2. Within the eighteen minutes left, Taissa managed to get a goal, but it was not enough to win the whole round. Your teammates sit quietly and sulkily next to each other. No one is making a sound. They felt defeated again, as if no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t beat the Yellowjackets girls' soccer team.
You stand in front of them, hands on your hips. You bite your lips. You couldn’t help but feel like this loss was your fault. You were distracted and didn’t give the game 100% of your attention. Coach warned you about this moment.
“Don’t beat yourselves up,” You speak out to the team. You wish you could take your own advice. Taking a deep breath, you calm yourself. You have to stay strong for your team. After a few more exchanges of bits of advice and conversations from the coach, the team is heading towards their cars. You stay last to ponder over your actions. You lean into your car seat and shut your eyes. An image of Lottie appears in your head.
“No distractions,” You softly mumble.
-
It's the next day and you stand in front of the mirror, awkwardly staring at yourself. You had on your party outfit, but were not really in the mood. Your coach had made all your teammates go to a party with other soccer players in the district to “make friends”. As much as your teammates begged not to go, he said this is for the greater good of sportsmanship.
So here you are now, standing awkwardly amongst the crowd with a red cup in hand. You take small sips of the bitter liquid, not hoping to get flat out drunk. Loud waves of laughter and conversations can be heard all around you. Not to mention the mix smells of cigs and weed.
It’s dark out with a few lights and a fire pit illuminating the area. You scan around in hopes of finding your teammates. You hoped they didn’t ditch. Your eyes move among the people and stop at a certain girl.
Lottie stands in a circle with her friends, giggling and waving the cigarette between her fingers. She taps the bud with her thumb as she nods her head. Her outfit is pink, which matches her really well. She lowers the cigarette and turns her head slightly, making eye contact with you. Her eyes widen in glee and she lifts her hand to wave.
You’re a bit awkward. Shyly smiling and slowly lifting your hands. You could barely manage a full wave before Taissa crashes into you. The liquid in your cup splashes around and drips on the side. She chuckles and wraps her arms around you in a hug.
“So glad I found you,” She mumbles into your hair. You give her a playful cringe and try to shove her away. You sneak a peek back towards Lottie, but she’s already looking away. You try not to show your disappointment by looking back at Taissa.
The rest of the night consists of you making “accidental” eye contact with Lottie. She looks away first most of the time, making it feel like you’re staring too much. You didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable, so you stopped. You even avoided her when she was close in the circle of friends. Currently, you're swaying your body slowly to the music while closing your eyes.
“Yo, bro. It’s those girls from the restaurant,” You hear familiar voices whisper behind you. Goosebumps rise on your skin. Footsteps quickly approach you. Suddenly, you feel a hard tug on your shoulders. You gasp in shock and pain.
“Funny to find you here,” The brunette boy greets. The blonde boy lifts a cigarette towards his lips and takes a long drag. His eyes slowly scan your body. A smile appears on his lips as he blows out the smoke.
“Holy shit you’re actually kinda hot?” He chuckles. He takes a step closer to you, causing you to step back. You clench the red cup. You try to cover yourself with your hands as an attempt to feel safe. His eyes darken a little. He flicks the cig onto the ground and places his hands on your hip. You immediately slap his hands away, glaring at him angrily.
“Get away from me,” You snap. Taissa turns around from her conversation. Once she sees the conflict, she quickly pushes people out of the way and rushes toward you.
“Come on now, pretty girls should-”
Before he could continue, Taissa shoves him away… hard. He slams against his friends. The commotion creates attention, causing people to be silent and look over. Soon, a small circle forms around you.
“Fucken bitches!” The black hair boy barks. He clenches his fist and starts running towards you. He stumbles over his footsteps a bit due to the amount of alcohol in his system. He sways his fist towards your face, but you quickly dodge. He stumbles from his weight and nearly falls over. He regains his balance and charges at you again. From the corner of your eyes, you can see a group of girls joining in the circle. You figured out who they were. The Yellowjackets girls' soccer team.
“Hey, stop it!” Jackie Taylor yells. The rest of the girls block the boys from you and Taissa. Lottie rushes to stand in front of you like a shield. She crosses her arms in annoyance.
“Didn’t I warn you guys last time?” She grumbles. You glance around to see many people joining to watch the fight. You lower your head close to Lottie's back to cover your face. You didn’t want to draw attention, especially for something like this. Your coach would not be pleased.
The boys ignore her and swing their fists again. The blonde boy wrestles against the girls, leaving the brunette to face Lottie. With the chaos stirring, Lottie doesn’t realize the brunette boy charging to punch her face. You couldn’t warn her fast enough and his fist connects with her cheek. She loudly grunts and stumbles back. She lifts her hands to touch her lower lip. Blood paints her fingers. She glares at him between her heavy-lidded eyes. Your eyes widen in shock. Lottie got punched because she was trying to help you. Without a second thought, you slam your body against his stomach. He gasps in confusion. You weren’t a strong fighter. You clench onto his body and he tries to pry you off him. You are not moving one bit, like you were glued. You didn’t want him to hurt Lottie again.
“Get this girl off me!” He begs, digging his fingers into your waist. You squeeze your eyes shut and grunt against his attempt to push you off. Lottie watches with her eyes wide. A small chuckle escapes her broken lip. She couldn’t believe you would do something like this. She was about to join the fight to help you, but a group of football players came in to break up the fight.
-
You don’t really know what happens next, but you're sitting on the concrete floor of the sidewalk. Your fingers gently rub the side of your hips. It feels like it's bruised by how hard the boy was clawing at you. You hiss each time you press your fingers in.
“Need time alone?” You hear Lottie ask from beside you. You turn your head up to look at her. The street lights shine perfectly against her face. You quietly shake your head and she smiles. She plops herself next to you with a soft grunt. Her hands are placed beside her as she looks up into the night sky. She doesn’t say anything else, too busy staring at the stars. You nibble your bottom lip nervously.
“Thank you… Again,” You break the silence. She tilts her head to look at you. She breaks into a smile again, which makes your heart squeeze. She looks so cute in this setting. You avert your stare to ignore the butterflies fluttering in your stomach.
“I’m sorry you had to deal with those idiots,” She mumbles. Your lips curl into a small smile. The images of the fight flash in your mind, causing you to chuckle. Lottie leans her body forward to get a better look at you. Her eyes soften when she sees you expressing joy. She usually doesn’t see you smile since she only sees you hyper-focused during games. She likes seeing you like this. A secret promise she made that night to see this side of you more.
“What are you laughing about?” She beams. You lift your hands to your lips to cover your smile.
“I was thinking about the fight,” You reveal. She starts chuckling with you. She remembers how hard you were clenching onto that boy. It was kind of cute to her. The two of you softly giggle with each other til it dies out once you shyly analyze the cut on her lips. You slowly lift your hands towards her lips. Her breathing slows as she feels your thumb rub against the dry blood. You clean the area underneath the cut while she stares deep into your eyes. You lower your hands and glance up to make eye contact with her. You feel yourself grow hot as a blush appears on your cheeks. She gulps and slowly blinks. You both jerk your faces back to the empty streets, both blushing and nervous. You quickly get up from the ground.
“I- I should probably go-” You stop talking when Lottie grabs onto your hand. Her soft fingers wrap against yours.
“Stay,” Lottie breathes out. Time seems to stand still for a moment. The sound of your heartbeat is louder than your thoughts. You nervously nod your head and return to sitting by her side. Her hands never leave yours- instead, she laces them and places them onto her lap. There was no need to say anything for a while. Both of you felt the same way.
Can we talk about Laura Lee? Like, REALLY talk?
(This is super long and not perfect)
I'm going to start with the Summer camp scene here. The scene itself is a sweltering day at a pool, busy with kids at play. We see a sign above the pool reading ‘Mary Magdalene Summer Camp’ and a faint ‘bible study’ poster behind Laura Lee, both insisting that this is run by a christian organisation. We then pan to a younger Laura, at least a year before the plane crash, sitting by the pool with her legs in the water. She then gets up and hovers over the edge of the pool for a moment, before diving in head first. Once she hits the water, she outstretches her palms, grazing them against the bottom of the pool, but making no attempt to stop herself from hurling into a concussion. As a result, she passes out from the impact of bashing her head against the bottom of the pool, floating at the stop with blood flowing from her forehead. In the lingering moment before she dives, I think she's hesitating. She’s thinking ‘should I really do this?’ because she's about to take her own life. After the jump, she is so unafraid to die, that I think it proves that she is really trying to hurt herself, because she doesn't seem to get a last rush of fear. I think she knew very well where she was and what would happen to her.
But, why would Laura Lee want to attempt suicide? Well, let’s see: Laura Lee was raised into religion, implied to have the ‘big christian poster family’; she is hinted to have mental health problems in the second episode where she says “This is all my fault”, blaming herself for the plane crash; and she could very well be feeling disconnected to her religion or even God itself. This disconnect is interesting when you look at Laura Lee’s not-so-goody-two-shoes acts like: going to parties, playing defence in sport, and having a close relationship with both Lottie and Van. Although it was scrapped, Laura Lee and Van were best friends in the original Yellowjackets script, and this is a very interesting choice, because we know that Van is lesbian. Sadly, we never get to learn if Laura Lee knows this, but we do get some implications of what both Van and Tai assumed of her. The very episode after Laura’s death, Van and Taissa stop hiding their relationship from the other girls, and kiss at the ‘dooms-coming’ party. Earlier in the show, Van says that ‘we can’t hide it forever’ and Tai responds with ‘I just don’t want to deal with the drama’. It’s possible that the ‘drama’ Tai refers to could be Laura Lee’s reaction, fuelled by her bible worship. However, considering that the original script was going to make Van and Laura very close friends, I tend to doubt that Laura was really as homophobic as Tai (rightfully) assumes. She played on a girl’s football team, for christ’ sake– Laura knew damn well about the queer connotations of that, it was the 90s. And this isn’t the only thing Laura Lee could be going against her religion with. Referring back: she attends high school parties in the woods; Even though she preaches about god, she’s in a woman’s soccer team– which isn’t condemnable, but very unusual for an aspiring christian housewife; She also has quite the temper, even if she doesn't show it most of the time. We do get to see this in her scene with Ben in episode ‘Flight of the Bumblebee’, when she asks “What are you going to do to stop me?” after he tries to stop her from leaving. In this scene, she’s not afraid to curse and admit reality. She says she has to go, “Or else we’re all going to fucking starve.” She's ambitious and determined - which are well or ill qualities in their own right, but may be not what's expected from a ‘good Christian girl’.
All to say, Laura Lee feeling disconnected from her religion because she doesn't agree with major preaching points is very much plausible. The summer camp scene itself is there to show how and why Laura Lee is so devout in the current day, and this could hint that Laura wasn’t nearly as nun-like before her suicide attempt. Perhaps she tries to take her own life as a way to test her dwindling faith. She's young and developing, and her close relationship with Lottie can definitely be read as something more than a simple friendship, meaning she could very well be read as queer herself. This could also explain her friendship and kinship with Van. Maybe because Laura Lee was growing apart from many christian beliefs, she was desperate to be proved wrong, because she loved her family and knew that she wouldn’t be accepted if she lived her truth.
I take Laura’s act of jumping into the pool as a dare. A test to God. ‘If I live, I've been saved. if I die, God is false.’ It’s a very risky bet, but not one that Laura Lee isn't scared to try. If God is false, she doesn’t see herself having anything to live for. No community, no family. She is so ingrained into christianity that she would die if it wasn’t true. She was yearning for a close connection to god. She can’t consider anything else; it’s her way of following religion. If God ‘allows’ Laura Lee to keep living, it means she has a purpose to fill. A mission, something, anything – she's not lost. It allows her to ignore (or deny) other parts of her identity. After she is saved by the lifeguard, she tries to thank him, but even he refuses to take any credit, and tells Laura Lee to thank God. This is why she is so incredibly devout. Even in her last moment of clarity, the person who saved her redirected her back to God.
This scene creates such a strong impression because of the amount of small details and little things that allude to Laura Lee’s mental illness, and why she repeatedly tries to hurt herself. This young girl has been forced into an incredibly restrictive and toxic environment, and she struggles to find herself amongst priests who tell her right from wrong. And it isn’t just when she tries to kill herself in the pool that’s impactful, but also when she tries to fly a plane that has been abandoned in the woods upwards of decades. She's completely untrained, and would be flying through a complex area filled with mountains and valleys, where even highly experienced pilots have struggled. She had no idea how far she had to fly, and in what direction, let alone how to land, or what conditions would be like. Not only is this incredibly insane, but it’s just dumb. Yes, Laura says it’s for the good of the group. Yes, she says it’s to save Van and Shauna– but it’s impossible. Her grandfather was a pilot, so it’s not like she was uneducated. She does it for god. She tests him yet again. Laura Lee uses her faith as an excuse to put herself in harm's way again.
Expanding on her “This is all my fault” comment, we also know that Laura Lee can’t imagine God wanting to punish the other yellowjackets. She knows all too well that none of them are saints: getting drunk, having physical relations before marriage, and being queer (If we assume that Laura knows). She thinks so lowly of herself that she immediately takes the blame for an uncontrollable plane crash, blaming herself just because she called her piano teacher ‘a cunt’ in her own mind, sobbing “But god heard me. And now he's punishing all of us (because of her actions).” While this is also meant to serve as a comedic scene, with all the characters laughing at Laura Lee, it has some deeper implications into Laura Lee’s harmful mindset. This really shows how her upbringing negatively impacts her, with this ‘it’s all my fault’ mindset linking back to divine punishment.
Despite her low self-worth, Laura Lee still manages to be a good character with strong morals. She is continuously understanding of Lottie and so sweet and gentle with her when she shows interest in Laura’s religion. Not only that, but she isn’t incredibly pushy about God, despite being so pious. She doesn't bring up God especially often in the wilderness, where everyone is scared and vulnerable. She keeps her religion mostly to herself. This contrasts most preachers, as so many major (mainly christian) religions rely on preying on the needy to collect followers. Preachers often see moments of vulnerability as an opportunity for people to ‘let god into their heart’, but Laura Lee doesn't do such things. In fact, I'd say she discusses God less now that she's in the wilderness. Before the crash, it seemed like every line of dialogue linked back to God. When considering Laura Lee’s own moment of ‘saviour’ (being resuscitated from a suicide attempt), one may dare to say that she was one of the vulnerable people who the church trapped herself. Despite being raised into christianity, I don’t think she truly believed when she was old enough to know that Santa Claus wasn’t real either. Maybe she had a tweenage rebellion, but we know painfully little about Laura Lee’s past.
All of these things have such an impact because it directly tackles the power that ‘God’, as an idea, can give to mentally ill people. Laura Lee puts herself in harm's way ‘for the sake of god’ when she really just wants to die. This is why she doesn't get the help she needs. Everyone sees her acts as devotion, when they are harmful. Flying the plane follows the same path as the pool scene: God lets Laura Lee live, and she saves the day; or God isn't here, and Laura Lee dies. She's provoking both God and the Wilderness, if they exist. If they do not, Laura Lee is just following her suicidal tendencies by risking her life with an excuse: potentially saving the others. And, as we know, nothing can save Laura Lee from her violent plane explosion. In the moments before her death, she is so glad to have the chance to save everyone, and panics when the fire lights. She looks around frantically, repeating “No, no…”, but knows that she can’t stop the inevitable. Laura Lee doesn't even look particularly afraid after realising that she is about to die, and there’s nothing she can do. There's a fire lit beside her, but she just keeps looking forward, inhaling the smoke. She clutches her necklace, calm and serene, and the plane implodes. It’s a bittersweet feeling to see the death of a character who was trying to die, but, as Lottie had written on her chalkboard in Shana, Van, and Akilah’s hallucination in episode three of season three: ‘Of all the ways to lose a person, death is the kindest.’ It was a mercy to Laura Lee, so that she didn't need to endure the horrors of winter and thereafter.
It's fascinating to compare Laura Lee with Jackie on their shared suicidal ideologies, because they're both trying to kill themselves in their own way. Laura Lee hides it (to others, but I think also to herself) behind her faith and her desire to save everyone, whereas Jackie stops eating and begins to self-isolate. They're both trying to be subtle about it, but they both want to die.
One of the few characters that respond to Laura’s small signs of instability is Lottie. When everyone laughs at Laura for her piano teacher confession, Lottie jumps in to reveal her own plane-crashing secret: She steals from T.J. Max, only to return the clothes and collect ‘T.J. bucks’ in the hundreds. So, in a way, it was Lottie who started the round of team confessions to show that Laura Lee wasn't alone, helping to turn a silly moment into team bonding. It’s fascinating because this is the first time we get to see Lottie's observation skills and empathy as leadership qualities, even if she still has the quiet girl status at the time. Throughout Lottie’s metamorphosis into who she is in season two, Laura Lee is there to encourage her into speaking up, and giving Lottie the confidence she needed to be able to grow into herself. When Lottie is unmedicated, Laura Lee is one of her few pillars of support and understanding. Even though it may not be good for Lott, Laura listens to and considers the things that Lottie is seeing in an honest and slightly delusional manner. Laura Lee sees Lottie as a prophet of God. During their time in the wilderness, Laura Lee and Lottie grow much closer. Laura Lee supports Lottie and believes in her visions even when there is no reason to. She believed Lottie was a prophet and her visions were messages from god, and this may not have been the best for either of them, but it made them happy, at least. Laura takes these dark parts of Lottie that have been repressed for years as a blessing. Laura Lee embraces Lottie for who she is, and that’s something not even Lott’s parents could do.
And Lottie helps Laura Lee believe in God, despite the setting of the wilderness and the lack of societal barriers that Laura grew up with. Lottie upholds the divinity of a priest for Laura Lee, resulting in her throwing herself deeper into christianity instead of allowing herself to start doubting her faith again. Laura Lee and Lottie both build up off of each other: Laura shrouds herself in her faith like a shield or suit of armour because Lottie reinforces her beliefs; and Lottie begins to be more and more outspoken as Laura Lee brings her out of her shell, resulting in her eventual leadership. Laura is such a major part of Lottie’s ascent to the throne that it’s hard to talk about one without talking about the other. Their relationship isn’t crystal clear before the crash, but we know that they chose to sit close to each other (Lottie behind Laura) on the plane. When it began its descent, they reached out to each other for support, gripping one another’s hand. They may not have been best friends ever before the crash, but there's an undeniable sense of familiarity between the two of them. They’ve definitely known each other a while, with being on the same sports team. And they seem to like each other’s company too, especially since we know that Laura Lee and Van were meant to be best friends in the pilot, and still Laura chose to sit with Lottie.
In episode 6 ‘Saints’, Laura Lee takes it upon herself to baptize Lottie in the lake. There's a lot of symbo- lism in this scene, specifically in Lottie’s vision where she is transported to a basement where she sees a male deer. The stag can represent many things here, but on the surface, the stag can simply symbolize the spiritual cleanse (baptism). But, in christianity, a stag represents Christ's crucifixion as well as a spiritual guide. So, Lottie follows the stag into a passageway in the basement, and there’s several candles burning. She lights one of the unlit candles. In terms of religious symbolism, the candlelight often represents the light of christ. Because of this scene, i think that While underwater, Lottie opens her eyes back up only to see Laura Lee’s face above, with a halo around her head akin to the ones seen around saint’s heads in religious paintings. Due to the similarly named episode, the symbolism of Laura Lee being like a saint is highlighted, and this could absolutely allude to Laura Lee’s tragic end, much like the saints of catholicism. This scene is so impactful to me because it creates such a strong impression on the viewer. We see two characters who are shown to be mentally ill feeding into each other's delusions, while simultaneously building up their characters and setting up Lottie’s character arc as the leader. We can see the way that the story is going, especially with the knowledge that everyone will devolve into cannibal cultists hunting each other for survival from the pilot episode.
ofc yellowjackets is always going fucking wrong theyre from New Jersey